The Mechanist's Secret Power
by robotortoise
Summary: The Mechanist class has a very special ability: Replicate. Replicate makes a clone of one's body, allowing the user to be in two places at once. This ancient and powerful technique can be used in battle to annihilate multiple foes at once or to defend a castle valiantly, but Corrin has other, less orthodox uses in mind. Spoilers for all paths. On (temporary?) hiatus.
1. Corrin's Dilemna

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 1: Corrin's Dilemma**

* * *

"Hi, brother! Want to play hide-and-go-seek?" Elise tugged on Corrin's metal sleeves. "Come on, Corrin! Let's play!"

Corrin looked down at his little sister, hesitant.

Elise's eyes were wide – they were filled with anticipation and hope. She was making a pout with her bottom lip. It looked so adorable, Corrin had to actively restrain himself from wrapping her up in a hug and ruffling her hair.

"Okay," Corrin said after a moment. "Elise, we can play. But just for a bit – I have to attend a meeting with Leo and Xander in a few minutes."

"Woohoo!" Elise said, jumping up and down, her blonde hair cascading along with her. "Okay! First I'll hide, and then you-"

 _"Corrin!"_ a distant voice shouted.

The dragon prince turned around to see Xander. As per usual, he was scowling.

"You agreed to come to the war meeting with me and Leo," Xander said, unamused. "What are you doing out here in the astral realm? Make haste to the mess hall."

"Brother…" Corrin moaned. "I didn't intend to avoid my responsibilities, I promise! I was just about to leave, but then Elise started asking me to play. And she was looking at me and doing that thing she does with the big eyes! And she's so cute, and she was pouting, and I…" He stopped and sighed. "I'm weak and she's cute."

The older prince was not amused. "Corrin," said Xander, "you have to learn how to say no. Elise being completely adorable is not reason enough to shirk your duties to Nohr. You can play with her another time."

"C-Corrin can't play with me?" a meek voice whimpered from behind Corrin, causing him to turn around.

Elise clutched onto a teddy bear - it had a button in place of one of its eyes and was fractured at the seams along its side, a bit of the stuffing falling out. "B-but you said you _would_!" she whined.

Xander saw how little Elise was looking up at Corrin. Her big round eyes were glistening, ready to tear up, and she was gripping the life out of the poor plush. Xander smiled a little, moved behind Elise, and put his arms on her shoulders, looking straight into Corrin's eyes. "Corrin, this will be a good life lesson," he said. "Now, practice saying no to your younger sister. Then we can head to the meeting."

Corrin stared up at Xander, who gave a brief nod and motioned his head down to Elise.

Elise herself was cuter than a button, and on the verge of tears. Corrin's mouth tried to form an 'n' shape.

"N… N… Neeeeeoh…" Corrin tried to get the difficult word out, but failed. He hesitated and then drew in a deep breath. "Elise, I-I'm really sorry. I can't play with you. I have to-"

"What was that, brother?" Elise said, tilting her head to the right. Her blonde baguette hair flowed to the side. "Oh, Corrin, I almost forgot! Look what Camilla gave me!"

Elise wriggled out of Xander's grip.

"Get back in my arms," grumbled Xander, trying to grip her shoulders. "I am _trying_ to teach Corrin a lesson in saying no!"

"Hang on!" said Elise. "I want to do something first!"

"Elise, please," said Xander. "I don't have much time."

Elise cupped her hands to her mouth. "Here, doggy doggy doggy!" she shouted. "Here, boy!" After a few seconds of waiting, a little brown puppy ran up to the girl, wagging its curly tail. Elise giggled and picked the pooch up in her arms, coddling it and cooing to it.

"Isn't he just the most adorable thing you've ever seen?" she asked. "Teehee!" She rubbed the puppy against her cheek, and it wagged its tail happily. "I'm gonna name him Cory after you, Corrin, because you're my hero!"

The puppy started licking Elise's face. She giggled lightly, looking up at Corrin expectantly.

Xander crossed his arms over each other, forming an "X" shape with them. He silently mouthed the word "no".

Corrin liked to think he had a strong will. He also _knew_ he had enough resolve to deny his sister something simple like this.

"I'm sorry, Elise," Corrin said slowly, "but I can't play with you right now." The puppy stopped licking Elise's face, and the girl's friendly smile turned into a pout.

"But whyyyyy?" she whined.

"Because…" Corrin paused. He looked at his sister's hair with its little pink ribbon on top, her little button nose that he wanted to squish. He stared at her chubby cheeks, puffing out like a chipmunk. Even Elise's newly-obtained puppy, with its downtrodden face, looked like it was about to be impounded.

Corrin couldn't take the cute cruelty anymore. Elise was just too damn adorable!

"B-because me and Xander are _both_ going to play with you!" His lips moved before he had a chance to think, and he would have regretted the words, had he any reasonable sense of guilt.

"Yaayyyyyy!" Elise shouted. She started jumping up and down, her pigtails struggling to match the frantic bouncing rhythm. "You're the best brother anyone could ask for, Corrin!"

Xander frowned. "Honestly, I'm disappointed in you. I thought you had more resolve than that, Corrin."

"She has a puppy, Xander!" Corrin whispered. "Where'd she even find a puppy? We're in the middle of a magic alternate dimension!"

"Err…" Xander frowned. "Perhaps Camilla gave it to Elise for her birthday."

"It's _December_! Her birthday's in March!"

Xander's frown deepened. "That _is_ odd… Hm. Perhaps Camilla gave it to her as an early present."

"Seven months early?"

"Corrin, you know how your sister is. She can't resist babying her siblings. Remember what happened when-"

Elise ran over to the duo, interrupting their dialogue. "Come on, guys! Let's play hide-and-go-seek!"

Xander was stumped, with no obvious solution in sight. They couldn't lie to their sister – what kind of message would that send to Elise? 'Lying is okay?'

No, that would not do. Xander couldn't very ditch the all-important war meeting, either. What were the two of them to do?

Corrin pondered this issue himself, and was suddenly struck with an idea of his own. "Xander, I have an idea!" he suddenly cried out, jolting Xander out of his thoughts. "We can fix both our problems at once - wait here!"

"Corrin, where are you," Xander started. However, it was too late - the younger prince was already gone. Xander sighed. "I suppose I'll just wait for him to return," he mumbled, sitting cross-legged on the grassy terrain.

Corrin returned a minute later, leading an irritated Jakob by the arm.

Xander spotted two round objects in Jakob's pocket, intriguing him.

Corrin led Jakob to the spot where Xander was sitting.

"Jakob!" said Corrin. "You're my friend! You're Xander's friend, too, right?"

Jakob frowned. "Lord Corrin, may I ask what drove you to lead lead me here? Could you not have asked me to follow you?"

Corrin hesitated. "I…I guess I could have just asked, yes. But that wouldn't have been as fun!"

The butler harrumphed and tried to get back into 'butler mode', and less 'friend mode'. "Milord," he asked, "how may I be of service to you today?"

Corrin smiled. "Jakob, you can be all of the service! All of my service, buddy 'o pal! We're just a bunch of chums, aren't we? Chums in a bucket!"

Any normal person would have jumped a bit when Corrin put his arm around Jakob.

Jakob, however, was a butler. He was trained to be proper, fast on his feet, be dignified, and above all else, be very British.

Well, it would be more accurate to say that Jakob _had_ been a butler. Corrin had, against all perceivable odds and reason, reclassed Jakob into a ninja. Not satisfied there, Corrin had then used a master seal to turn the angry servant into a mechanist.

Nowadays, Jakob rode around on a puppet-esque _thing_ in battle. It unnerved Jakob, if he were to be entirely honest with himself - he thought the mechanist puppet was creepy as hell with its green bedsheet body and creepy red face.

Jakob had no idea how the puppet worked or if it was alive at all. He also had no plans to find out, and actively avoided doing so when possible, shoving his in the astral plane's shared storage closet when not in use.

In fact, the mechanist puppets were just below 'faceless with a scythe" on Jakob's " _Top 10 Things I Never Want to Be Locked in a Broom Cupboard at Night With_ " list. An annoyed Corrin was at the very tippy-top of said list.

Jakob forced a smile. "I suppose we are friends, yes. Why do you ask?"

"And you're friends with Xander, too. Right? Best friends, even?"

"I suppose so," Jakob replied hesitantly. He just wasn't certain just where this line of questioning was going.

Corrin nodded, satisfied with that response. "Well, let me tell you _just_ where this line of questioning is going, Jakob, my best of friends!" he said. Corrin pointed to a spot on the grass that had a red X marked. "I want you to stand riiiiiight here."

Taking took out the ball-shaped objects from earlier, Corrin continued: "Now, Xander, my brother who is also close with Jakob - I want you to focus. Close your eyes and think about what great friends with Jakob you totally are.

Xander now easily identified said spheres as a pair of friendship seals. Bewildered, Xander did what Corrin asked, hesitant – he wasn't sure what was going on, either, but he didn't see reason to not proceed. Shrugging, he did as he was told.

Corrin placed one of the orbs into Xander's hand, grasping the other with his own. He lifted it above his head, instructing Xander to do the same.

"You guys know I'm still totally right here, right?" Elise tilted her head. "Um, hello?"

Without warning, the sky flashed a blinding white, striking Corrin and Xander with a magic lightning.

When he opened his eyes, Xander was taken aback - Corrin's outfit had changed completely.

Jakob, however, didn't react, continuing to preserve a forced grin.

Elise frowned. "Is no one going to play with me?"

Instead of wearing his usual metal armor, Corrin was now wearing a green velour-esque outfit. Xander raised an eyebrow in surprise and looked to his own outfit.

Surely enough, Xander's outfit had been radically altered too! No longer was he wearing his dramatic, silver, manly armor! No, Prince Xander of Nohr was wearing…a green bedsheet.

"My wallet!" Xander said, patting his pockets frantically. "Dammit!"

"How fashionable," Jakob quipped, pulling out a pumice stone from one of his many pockets. He began to file his nails.

"Corrin, what exactly just happened?" Xander inquired, frowning slightly. "What in the world am I wearing? And where did my wallet go?"

Corrin didn't respond, instead opting to grin and jump manically up and down. "Yes, it worked! We're mechanists, Xander! Now we can hang out with Elise _and_ go to that stupid war meeting!"

"Woohoo!" shouted Elise.

Jakob released a sigh. "Lord Corrin, may I return to the castle now? I have more pressing business to attend to."

Corrin stopped jumping and faced the butler. "Okay, but before you go, could you show me and Xander how to use the replicate skill?"

Xander's eyes widened as he realized what his brother was intending. "Corrin, that's utter insanity. Replicate is a special skill exclusive to the mechanist class. It's a magical, mystical ability meant to aid worthy warriors in combat! It's not for us to goof off with."

"But, uh…Prince Xander?"

Xander sighed. "Yes?"

"Er, well… Why not?"

 _Clearly, there must be a reason_ , Xander thought. Else, why didn't the entire army use the skill for themselves and reap the benefits of a clone?

Xander took a moment to conceive a response befitting his title as the legendary Prince of Nohr. "Because…" His neutral expression morphed into a small frown. "Perhaps it'd make our lives _too_ easy? We can't have that."

Corrin looked at Xander, his face deadpan.

"…But I suppose we can try it," Xander conceded with a small sigh. "What have we got to lose?"

Corrin jumped into the air, used replicate, and then high-fived himself.

"Woo-hoo!" both Corrins shouted, linking arms and beginning to Can-Can.

Jakob looked at his master, who was now inhabiting two bodies at once and literally dancing with himself.

He sighed. "Fantastic. Two of them."

Elise clapped her hands. "What fun!"

* * *

Author's Notes:

So here it is! My first fanfiction. Cue the party horns!

Hm, what was that, you say? No one cares?

...huh.

The idea for this came about when I was thinking Mechanists in Fates. Specifically, they have the replicate ability, which allows a unit to clone itself.

Once the skill is used, both units, the replica and the original, are able to attack _and_ take damage; It's not a "true" clone. Personally, I think it's more like one soul being shared between two bodies.

So I started to think about the fun and shenanigans that could be had with a second body. Sure, you could use it to kill more enemies. But you could also use a second body to do double the housework in half the time, use it to have mind-blowing sex with yourself, or test your ping-pong abilities with yourself! And in the end, isn't that what life is all about? Finding clever and silly ways to exploit battle weapons and concepts for your own, personal amusement?

I was originally gonna do something a bit more serious, but I like the goofier direction this is going.

If you have any thoughts, criticism, feedback, insults, don't hold back! I'm trying to use this story to improve my writing skills (while having fun, of course) so any feedback is appreciated!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	2. Dancing With Myself

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 2: Dancing with Myself**

* * *

"This is so cool, Xander!" Corrin shouted.

After splitting himself into two, Corrin had decided it was a good idea to try a ballroom dance with his replica. Thus, both were trying to match each other's pace, each with his own hands on the other Corrin's hips. Out of the pair of princes, the 'original' Corrin was leading, the other trying to match the first's rhythmically inept pace.

One Corrin grinned at Xander. "I learned this dance from Laslow!" he said. "Apparently, it's called the 'Slow Foxtrot'! Isn't it neat?"

Xander stood silently.

"Maybe I should get a fox tail accessory from the accessory shop!" said Corrin. "I could be dressed as a fox and doing the Slow Foxtrot! Or maybe I could grab one of those Einherjar we picked up that looks like a fox person and I could dance with him!" Corrin frowned. "Hm, but then I wouldn't be able to dance with myself, huh? And that would make the dirty joke a flop."

Xander ignored Corrin's deluded ramblings, too entranced by the alien creature in front of him.

Calling the man in front of Xander an "alien" was a bit of a misnomer, really - he was anything but. The man in front of Xander _was_ another Xander, after all. And that simple little fact really, _really_ freaked the eldest prince out.

"Is this…me?" one of the Xanders asked, feeling a tad silly for asking a question that he already knew the answer to. "I'm standing in front of myself."

"This is too weird," the other Xander mumbled.

The Corrins were now doing the Conga in unison. However, this was still two separate instances of Corrin, who was about as graceful and elegant as a Faceless after drinking a few too many bottles of brandy. So when one of the Corrins started kicking the other pair's legs, sending both mechanists both tumbling to the ground, Xander was unsurprised.

"Ow," both Corrins groaned.

Both Corrins tried to stand upright from their spots on the ground. The one on the left leaned into the one on the right for support and vice versa. They then proceeded to crash into each other and tumble downwards.

Corrin thought about this for a moment.

"I've got it!" the Corrin on the left said. "I have to take turns helping myself up!" And so they did just that – the Corrin on Xander's left grasped onto the body of the other to steady himself, pulling himself upright.

 _That_ Corrin then proceeded to offer one of his hands to the _other_ Corrin, who grabbed it and pulled himself upwards.

Both Corrins were now standing.

Xander sighed. He didn't have the patience for hijinks. "Corrin," he asked, "may I ask you something?"

Both Corrins turned to look at Xander, knocking the tops of their heads into one another in the process. After wincing, the Corrins asked, "What's up?"

"Your plan is to have both of us be in two places at once, correct? One pair of us will be playing with Elise, and the other will engage Leo and Camilla at the war council. Right?"

One of the Corrins nodded.

"Then I'm afraid you'll have to explain to me how this…" Xander fumbled, trying to find the right word, " _concept_ works. I simply can't grasp the concept of two of myself existing."

In fact, Xander had grasped the concept so utterly poorly that one of the Xanders had started breaking down. Its eyes were squeezed shut, and it had stuffed grass tufts in its ears, using them as makeshift earplugs. He was in a fetal position on the grass, his right thumb in its mouth as he slowly rocked back and forth.

The Corrin twins looked at the Xander on the ground; their eyes widened. "Oh my," they muttered in unison.

Suddenly, both Corrins broke out into a goofy grin, speaking simultaneously for maximum dramatic effect. "It looks like _I'm_ going to be training _you_ in something, eh, brother?"

"Eh?" One of the Corrins elbowed Xander in the ribs.

"Stop that," snapped Xander.

"Sorry," he whined.

"Ooh, ooh!" said Elise. "Can I come?"

"The plot has forgotten about you up until this point," the other Corrin said. "So, no. Sorry."

"Darn," muttered Elise.

* * *

"Attennn-tion!" Corrin commanded in the loudest bark he could muster. He was wearing a large poofy hat with tufts at both sides and tinted a sickening shade of auburn. He stood in front of a chalkboard that he'd seized from his son, Shigure (whom he had deemed not responsible enough to use).

Another Corrin was seated at the front of the "classroom" (which was, in all honesty, simply the records hall with a bath towel placed on the ground for seating). Two Xanders and one Corrin were seated at the rear of the room on the bath towel, apparently eager to learn.

The Corrin on the bath towel raised his hand. "Commander Corrin? I have a question."

"Did I give you PERMISSION to speak, Private?" snapped the Corrin with the goofy hat. "No, I think not! Now, give me twenty thousand pushups! No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it!"

"But sir, I was simply asking for permission to speak! That's why you called on me when I raised my hand."

Commander Corrin hesitated. After rolling his eyes upwards to look at the _very_ interesting ceiling, he relented. "Fine. What is it you wish to ask? And this better be important, Private, or it'll be our rear on the line!"

The Corrin at the rear of the room spoke. "Sir, what's with the hat?"

The commander broke out into a goofy grin, clearly proud of said headwear."Hm, this old thing?" he asked. "I made it myself. We didn't have anything army-themed to wear, but we did have an extra chef's hat. I _was_ going to dye it in some green leaves from the hunting forest, but I didn't really feel like walking all the way there, you know? So I just grabbed some slop from the mess hall and stuck the hat in there to dye it. It's not really green, but it gives off the same sort of vibe."

The Corrin at the back of the room nodded, appeased. "Okay. Thanks, commander!"

Commander Corrin beamed. "I hope you appreciate all the work I put into this, Private! I wanted to make this teaching environment real authentic, ya' know? Even for a short little lecture."

One of the Xanders cleared his throat. The commander nodded in his direction, indicating that Xander had permission to speak.

"Damn it, Corrin!" Xander yelled. "Elise, Leo, and Camilla are all waiting for us! We're wasting precious time!"

Corrin shook his head. "Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I looked it up - the records hall is actually inside a Deeprealm. Time passes _much_ more slowly here when compared to the outside world. A three-month vacation in this room is only about two minutes in the outside world."

Xander frowned, then shook his head – his golden locks flailed around. "Then since we have time, can you please explain how this replicate skill works? I can't say I'm entirely certain on that."

The Corrin at the front of the room smiled and nodded, the top of his brown Chef's Hat wobbling up and down as he did. "Of course!"

He stood up straight. "As you may know, the replicate skill makes a fully functional copy of the user's body. If either body takes damage, the damage is mirrored on both. However, the reverse is also true. If one replicated unit is healed, the other's HP is restored."

"HP…?" Xander frowned deeper.

"I don't actually know what it stands for," he admitted. "Azura told me it stands for 'handkerchief porcupines', but she was snickering as she said it, so I can't say I trust her on that matter. I later brought it up with that Robin guy, and he said it _actually_ stands for 'health points', but, like, half of what he says is utter gibberish, so-"

Xander glared at Corrin.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Most of what I say is gibberish, too. Anyways…" He paused. "Dammit. What was I talking about again?"

"You were explaining how replicating units worked on the battlefield."

Commander Corrin snapped and pointed at one of the Xanders. "Right! Thank you, left Xander. The question is thus, this: Ii replicated units are identical to each other in every respect, what does that mean? Each unit - the replica and the original body - gains health points, experience points, and flower points at the same time. Both units can move independently of each other, and both can see out of each pair of eyes. Do you know what this means?"

Xander blinked.

Corrin blinked back.

Xander brought his palm upwards, letting it rest on his face. "You're not going to tell me unless I ask, are you?" He exhaled. "Fine. Tell me, brother. What does that mean?"

Commander Corrin smiled. "I'm glad you asked that question entirely on your own with no third-party interference, Private! Anyways, it means that replication doesn't _really_ replicate the stuff inside of you - the spiritual part of your body. You know what I'm talking about."

"Corrin, is this another guessing game?"

"Yes."

"I guess the gull bladder – I want to get this over with."

"What? No! Gods, Xander, I thought you were smart! You're a prince, for Kris's sake! It's your soul! Replicating yourself doesn't split your soul! Soul, spirit, ghost... Whatever-you-want-to-call-it, it's the part of you that makes you, well, _you_! There's only one of them, and it's currently evenly distributed between both of your bodies. That's why you can control both bodies independently, see out of both, and share memories between them."

Xander closed his eyes and nodded. "I think I'm beginning to understand. Thank you."

"Replication doesn't clone _you_ , Xander," the commanding Corrin said. "It only clones your physical body. It's like those avatars from that _Avatar_ movie, except you're, like, controlling both forms at once."

The Xander on the left nodded. " So I have two bodies when I'm in this form. Yes?"

"Precisely," Corrin affirmed.

The Xander on the left squinted a bit. "What was that last thing you mentioned, brother? An avatar?"

"Ah, don't worry about it. Just another thing Robin was muttering about. Something from the Outrealms, apparently. It was topical, like, a while ago. Now it's a dated reference." He smiled politely. "Any last questions?"

Xander nodded, his mouth opening slightly to reveal a pleasant smile. On Xander, it was… very disconcerting.

"What's your question, champ?" Commander Corrin asked.

"You were controlling both of your bodies this whole time, correct?" the first Xander asked. "Why did you waste our time by asking that dumb question about the hat?"

Both Corrins shrugged. "I thought it'd be funny."

"Funny to _whom?_ We're the only two people here!"

"Well, _I_ thought it was funny, and that's what's important, right?"

Xander's right eye started to twitch. Both Xanders began to rise from their spots on the bath towel, drawing their respective Siegfrieds.

"What do you think of _this_ , funny guy?" they said, swinging their blades at Commander Corrin's head.

"My haaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"

* * *

"And that's how my commander's hat got torn in two," Corrin said, sighing as his dramatic monologue came to a close.

Azura sat next to him on the bed, her lips pursed. Both were in Corrin's treehouse and resting together on the bed. "Why couldn't you have just told me that Xander broke the hat?" she asked, frowning. "The other parts of that story were rather superfluous, dear."

"Maybe," Corrin admitted. "But if I'd been forthright, I wouldn't have gotten to spend as much time talking to my beautiful wife."

Azura's lips grew the tiniest bit outward. "Don't lie. You just like hearing yourself talk."

He groaned. "Hey! That's not... Okay, fine. It's completely true. And you know what else, Azura?"

Azura's grin grew larger. "What's that, my sweet prince?"

Corrin grinned. "I'd like to dance with myself some more right now, if you're interested in joining me," he wiggled his eyebrows. "And when I say 'dance with myself', that's actually a euphemism. I really intend to-"

Azura, smiling, put a finger over his mouth. "Shh. Don't ruin the moment, dear."

Corrin grinned, taking her smile as a hint to proceed. He split himself into two using replicate. One of the Corrins snuggled up to the left of Azura, the other scooching over to the bed on the right.

The Corrin on the left backed up on the bed behind his wife, his hands roughly kneading Azura's shoulders.

Azura moaned softly.

The other prince planted a firm, but passionate, kiss on her lips.

Smiling, Azura reciprocated the kiss, and the Corrin behind her began to undress her, starting with her lacy headpiece.

Without warning, the door burst open - Arthur stood in the doorway, hands on his hips. His head was cocked upwards, a brilliantly blinding smile on his masculine face. Wearing a Nohrian flag on his back as a makeshift cape, and it was somehow waving majestically in the (non-existent) wind.

"It's _team-up_ time! **"** he shouted. He then proceeded to dash out of the room, his cape still waving heroically as he ran through the treehouse's halls.

Frowning, Azura got up from the bed and slammed the door shut. "We should buy a lock," she noted before diving at the prince on her bed and his replica duplicate.

* * *

Author's Notes:

I hope this Corrin wasn't too crazy for y'all! He's definitely not in-character, but since Corrin's supposed to be a self-insert, I can make him act like whatever I want! And I want to make him wacky and happy and nuts. I'll try and keep everyone else in character, though. If there's an inconsistency you notice in a character, don't be afraid to PM me or leave a review.

Plus, you know, this is fanfiction. I could make Soleil fall in love with Zola, or have Corrin use a Drag-onstone and then suddenly have an affinity for crossdressing! Nothing is off-limits with the powers of our imagination and fanfiction!

…You know, the Zola thing might be kind of hot, actually. He _can_ shapeshift into _anyone_ , after all. I wonder if…

Never mind. I'm not going to go down that train of thought. Anyways, what _is_ Azura's headpiece called? Is it actually named something, or is it just some weird wedding veil-esque thing Intelligent Systems made up for Fates?

Oh, and sorry if you like another pairing better for Corrin, but I wanted to get the obvious Replicate sex joke out of the way, and Azura and Corrin already talk like a married couple in the game, so….

I'd like to mention and thank some of the authors who wrote stories that inspired to me to make my version of Corrin happy, insane, and prone to ramble on. The following stories all have a Robin that's kind of crazy: _"_ De-cruited _"_ by _thewhitepatch_ , "Interviews with a Tactician" by _Scourge of Infinis_ , "Grimaspawn, timelost psychotics, and lesser irritants" by _MorayInTheWreck_ , which actually has an insane Morgan, not an insane Robin, and "Unconventional Tactics" by _weeatbabies_.

If you like "Crazy Robin/Corrin", go check those stories out! They're all some of my personal favorite stories. Seriously, if there was a "SUPER favorites" list, all of the above would be on it.

RedNephilim: Thanks! I hope you enjoy future chapters as well. And I'm sure I'll bring Jakob back. He's about as serious as Xander, but with a devotion to Corrin and a sarcastic streak. Honestly, he's kind of a prick. But that makes him really fun to write.

Kit-Cat Star: I have some other weird ideas planned for Replicate, too. I'm always a fan of TV shows/movies/games/stories that have the characters explore a superpower/ability to the fullest, and figure out how they can best mess around with said superpower, so I'm glad you enjoyed.

Potatoman098: I'm not quite sure Corrin could really care any less about the psychological ramifications of being split into two. He just wants to mess around with the ability. Xander, on the other hand, is a bit more concerned about the implications, as you saw in the chapter above. And I put a LOT more Corrin in this chapter. I hope he's not too much for your tastes! He got a bit…intense.

That Guy: I'm always a fan of TV shows/movies/games/stories that have the characters explore a superpower/ability/skill to the fullest, and said characters figure out how they can best mess around with said superpower, so I'm glad you enjoyed.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	3. How Shigure Lost Chalkboard Privileges

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 3: How Shigure Lost Chalkboard Privileges**

* * *

Kana was walking around the Astral Realm, simply "hanging out", as Izana would have said. She stopped, overhearing two voices whisper-yelling at each other. She spotted the owners of the voices – they were trying to hide behind a tree, and seemed to be leering into the hot springs building.

Soleil let out a deep sigh. "Aww, I can't see anything with all this steam in the way!"

Nina squinted. "So… Right now, is it the girls' bathing hour, or the boys'? I bet it's filled with boys! Boys are so cute!"

Soleil frowned. "Eh, boys are OK. Personally, I think girls are _so_ much cuter."

Nina stopped trying to leer through the fog, and instead turned to face Soleil. "Nah, boys are better. Boys have muscles."

"Girls can have muscles, too!" Soleil grinned." And girls have built-in pillows to rest your head on!"

Nina glared. "So do boys, but _their_ chests are so much nicer. They're rippling and muscular. Taut, but yet somehow still perfect to snuggle up against. Therefore, boys are better."

"But boy's chests aren't as soft as girl's chests are!"

"How would you know?" asked Nina. "Have you ever touched a boy's chest?"

Soleil frowned. "Not in the cool way."

"W-well, have you ever touched a girl's?"

Soleil stared at Nina.

"…What?"

"Nina, we're both girls. We _have_ girl chests."

"Oh. Right."

* * *

Meanwhile, in a tree behind the two perverts, Kana had pulled out a notebook, feverishly taking notes on boy and girl chests. She walked up to the duo, tapping them on the shoulders.

"Hi guys!" Kana chirped. "What are you doing?"

The two girls flushed – they'd been caught.

Soleil recovered first. "Nothing! We were doing nothing at all. Now go…back to wherever you came from, okay?"

Kana's smile lessened. "But I don't want to go back to my Deeprealm."

Soleil sighed softly and grabbed the young dragon's hand. "Not _there_. I meant the soldier's barracks!" Soleil tried to lead the dragon towards the treehouse. Kana shrugged and let herself pulled by the young flirt. It wasn't often she got to play with an older kid!

"So what makes girl's chests so great?" Kana asked Soleil.

Soleil stopped walking. She looked at Kana, then back at the treehouse. Soleil resumed walking, this time walking at a much brisker pace. She shoved Kana near the ladder of the treehouse.

"Go ask your brother or someone about it!" Soleil yelled. She then ran off in the direction of the bathhouse. Kana thought nothing of this, climbing the ladder.

Kana found Shigure sitting inside one of the rooms in the treehouse. She proceeded to ask him about girl and boy chests. As an artist, it was Shigure's natural instinct to explain these foreign concepts to his sister by drawing examples on the chalkboard.

Very vivid, incredibly graphic examples.

…Corrin and Azura were _not_ happy when they returned.

* * *

Soleil returned to just outside the hot springs. She waved to Nina and walked over. "Did you manage to see anything? Was there anyone inside? Any cute girls or guys?"

Nina's eyes were wide open, and her mouth was agape. She stood motionless.

"Niiiinnna?" Soleil asked. "Nina! Hello, is anyone in there?" Soleil started snapping her fingers in front of Nina's face.

Nina simply stared into the distance, her green eyes glazed over.

"Nina!"

"Uh…" was Nina's eloquent response.

"Was there anyone in the Hot Springs?" Soleil asked.

Nina slowly nodded up and down. "There sure was. Two people were bathing - a man and woman."

Soleil grinned. "The best of both worlds! So, which one was cuter? The man, or the woman?"

"They were my parents," Nina put her face into her hands.

"Huh," said Soleil. She grinned."So, which one was cuter?"

* * *

Author's Notes:

I had this mini-story made for chapter 2 of _The Mechanist's Secret Power_ , but then I realized it kind of seemed…off-topic.

Not that _The Mechanist's Secret Power_ is rather on-topic to begin with, but for a flashback sequence it seemed _especially_ long and disjointed. I still think it's pretty funny, and it's a kind of lore, of a sort (not really), so I added it as a bonus chapter.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	4. Anna and the Felicias

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 4: Anna and the Felicias**

* * *

"Ohhhh, brothers!" Elise's voice singsonged. "Wherrrre _are_ youuuu?"

Her cry echoed throughout the Astral Realm, startling Xander and Corrin as both exited the records hall. The Corrins, however, were indifferent. Neither cared even slightly about the mischievous voice.

"My commander's hat!" the Corrin on the left sobbed. "It was so beautiful and full of life, but now it's torn asunder!"

"It wasn't beautiful," said Xander, "and it certainly wasn't _alive_." He straightened. "We must make haste, Corrin. We promised to meet our siblings at the war council. We're running late as is."

"Azura will be there," the Corrin on the right added. "And you know how frisky she gets after those long war meetings, other me."

The left Corrin's eyes bulged, and his slouched posture instantly turned rigid and upright. "Gah!" he exclaimed, poking a Xander's shoulder. "I just extrapolated something important out loud, Xander! We have to-"

"Yes, yes, I heard," Xander interjected. "Get to the meeting. I agree - let's each use one of our bodies to head over to the Mess Hall." One of the Xanders ventured to the mess hall, and one of the Corrins followed.

The remaining Corrin turned to the remaining Xander.

"Let's head to the Dragon's Gate," the Corrin said. "Elise would never think to look for us there."

The pair began to walk towards Anna's swirling green abode, - a.k.a, the Dragon's Gate.

Xander turned his head towards Corrin while walking. "Do you think it'll be difficult to multitask with two bodies at once, both doing such different tasks?"

Corrin shrugged. "How hard can it be?"

Without warning, Xander halted in place.

"Corrin, did you hear something?" Xabder asked, scanning his surroundings. They'd reached the abandoned ruins that housed the Dragon's Gate, but there was no Anna in sight. On most days, the redhead guarded the Dragon's Gate asking visitors for payment to enter.

Something was off.

Corrin shook his head. "Nope. Why, did you?"

Xander sighed. "Corrin, if I _hadn't_ heard anything, I would not have asked. By asking if you've heard anything, I'm implying that _did_ I hear something. Brother, sometimes I wonder about you. Your social skills are…well, almost non-existent."

"Xander," said Corrin, "I was locked up in a _castle_ for most of my childhood. How was I supposed to learn how to socialize? My only company was the servants I had and the occasional sibling visit! And that's not even beginning to mention how utterly insane the people I _did_ talk to were." He shook his head. "Have you met Jakob?"

Xander stared at Corrin.

 _'Did Corrin just say something insightful?'_ Xander thought. _'Is my goofy little brother finally growing up?'_

Before Xander could make any other inquiries into the state of Corrin's mental health, however, a pretty maid with a long pinkish-brown ponytail rammed directly into Corrin, sending the prince ricocheting backwards.

"Felicia?" Corrin asked, rubbing his head. "What… What are you doing here?"

"Jakob told me to keep an eye on you, Lord Corrin," Felicia said. "And I wanted to keep you company!" She beamed, holding her hands behind her back and giving a quick bow.

"Oh," said Corrin. "Well, that was thoughtful of you."

"Are…are you not going to ask me why Jakob asked me to watch over you?" Felicia asked, frowning somewhat.

Corrin shrugged. "Nope."

Xander ribbed Corrin. "Brother, remember a few moments ago, when you were telling me about your poor social skills?"

"Yep. Why?"

"Your maid is giving you a social clue right now," Xander explained. "She wants you to ask her _why_ she's been assigned to watch over you."

Corrin nodded feverishly. "Ohhhhhh, okay. I get it now." Turning to face the young woman, Corrin asked: "Why are you keeping watch on me?"

Felicia put her arms at her side, clutching her skirt. "Thank you for asking, Lord Corrin. Jakob said to watch over you because there are now two of you! He can't buttle you in two places at once." She frowned. "Is…is buttle a word?"

Corrin's almost-perpetual smile dipped a bit. "So…you're aware of the replicate thing, too?"

Felicia giggled. "Of course, milord! As your maid, I know everything you're up to."

Corrin raised an eyebrow at that. " _Everything?"_

The maid looked forlorn and sighed. "Everything, milord. There's a reason I commissioned that soundproofing hex on your room, you know."

"Heh. The implications." Corrin smirked. "Anyway, Felicia, since it seems like you're going to be accompanying me regardless, do you want to officially pal around with me and Xander? We were planning on going inside the Dragon's Gate to hide from Elise."

" _Hide_ from Elise…?"

Xander sighed and rolled his eyes. "Corrin insisted on playing games with our sister when he had other responsibilities. That's what got us into this whole replicate mess in the first place."

Felicia frowned. "Wait. Are you telling me you're currently using replicate to attend the war council at this very moment?"

Xander closed his eyes and nodded sagely. "Your assumption is correct. The war council is currently going quite well. Though I'm still not quite clear on Takumi's role in all of this." He frowned.

"I'm pretty sure Camilla is flirting with Robin, too," Corrin added. "Not that I blame her. Robin _is_ very handsome. He should lose the cloak, though. It makes him look odd."

"Says the prince who doesn't wear shoes," Felicia muttered.

"…What was that?"

"I-I said that Jakob makes enjoyable stews."

Corrin looked up at the sky dreamily, not catching the first uttering of Felicia's comment. "Yeah, Jakob's stews are pretty great, unlike yours. I remember one time he made a stew with wyvern meat. You wouldn't think it would taste good, but it actually served as a good palate cleanser for dessert. That night's special was apple pie, and it was just divine…"

Corrin's rambling was quickly cut off, however, when Felicia dove in front of Corrin, pushing the prince backwards.

A sword lay pierced through Felicia's neck.

Felicia lay on top of Corrin, and there was an odd wetness permeating through Corrin's shirt. She gave a weak smile.

"I'm…glad I could be of service," Felicia said. She slumped down on top of Corrin.

Corrin, surprised, quickly sat up and accidentally knocked Felicia's body onto the ground.

The maid's head slammed onto the ground, detaching itself from her neck with a sickening _CRACK_. It rolled away a few feet.

Xander's face was grave; he withdrew Siegfried, wary.

"Dammit, Felicia!" Corrin yelled. "You can't retreat at a time like this! We need you!" He grabbed her shoulders, rapidly shaking her very much headless corpse back and forth.

"I don't think she's going to retreat, dear," a high-pitched voice said. "She's dead as a doornail."

Corrin shook his head. "No, no, you don't understand!" he said, shaking Felicia's body and grabbing for the disembodied head. Haphazardly, he placed the head on her neck. "Felicia's fine! She's just resting, see?"

He tried to stand Felicia's body up. Her head fell off again in the process, and Corrin resigned to setting both pieces of the maid on the ground, lying adjacent to each other.

Xander narrowed his eyes, pointing his sword at the woman who dare lay a hand on his allies.

Corrin turned towards the newcomer. When he saw who it was, he stepped backwards, shocked. "It's…it's you!" he shouted. "You're…" He gasped. "Anna? The merchant?"

"Anna the _assassin_ ," Anna corrected. "I was the one guarding this particular Dragon's Gate. There are hundreds of Annas, darling. You didn't think we _all_ had a fetish for gold, did you?" She paused, tapping her finger on her chin. "Well, I guess I do really like gold, too. I just prefer to get my hands dirty upfront instead of bothering with trading and tax evasion and all of that mess. Killing's so much simpler, you know? Get the target and kill 'em! Whammo, blammo, done!"

Xander rushed her. The redhead sidestepped out of sword's path; she instantly countered the prince's hit, striking him back with the full force of Siegfried, but none of the magic. She wagged her finger at Xander, who was now lying on the ground and bleeding out quite a bit.

"Tut tut tut!" Anna chided. "I was monologuing! You can't just interrupt a villain while she's telling the goody-two shoes hero about her evil plans. What, you new to this or something?"

Xander grimaced, in pain. "I…am no hero."

Anna rolled her eyes. "Oh, how melodramatic. Brood later, handsome. Let me just kill you now and be done with it so I can collect my big, fat paycheck." She grinned. "See you later, RyomCorrina!" Anna raised her sword, about to plunge it into Xander.

"No, Xander!" Corrin shouted. "Not you, too!"

Anna hesitated, stopping her sword inches from Xander's neck. "Wait a minute," she said. "Did you just say Xander? As in, Prince Xander? The Nohrian Royal?"

Xander nodded, groaning as he did so. "That is indeed me. If you intend to kill me, please be quick about it. I do not enjoy pain."

Anna stepped back, putting her pinky finger over her lips. "I don't think anyone enjoys pain, princey," she said. "But I _do_ think I have the wrong guy."

Pulling out a red, rectangular device from her pocket, Anna flipped the two halves of it open to reveal two internal rectangular squares. The squares were in color, and seemed to display information of a sort. Nodding, she closed the device and smiled. "It looks like it's your lucky day, champ! I made a bit of a whoopsie. I was supposed to kill a man named _RyomCorrina_ , according to my New 3DS. Not a Xander."

"...RyomCorrina?" Corrin asked. "What kind of a name is that? What, did their parents hate them?"

Anna shrugged. "You come across a lot of weird names in my line of work," she said before pausing and putting a finger to her lips. "I once had a target named _A_. Just the letter A." She frowned and tapped her finger. "They were surprisingly difficult to kill, actually. Now that I think about it, I think they were a speedrunner. Had no sense of story, nor what was going on. Kind of a dope, actually." She grinned. "They were cute, though! Not so cute when they were dying, but cute nonetheless!"

 _'She seems to do that finger thing quite often,'_ Corrin thought. _'Is it trademarked?'_

"Oh, whoops. I should probably introduce myself if I'm not going to be killing any of you guys, huh?" Anna pulled out a business card, handing it to Corrin. "My name's Anna. I'm an Outrealm Assassin. I travel through the Outrealms and, well, assassinate people. The description is in the title, really. I also watch over this Dragon's Gate during my downtime."

Xander, meanwhile, rolled over and groaned. "You already _did_ kill one of us, you devil-colored fiend! You killed Felicia!" He winced, groaning again and sticking his face into the ground like an ostrich.

Corrin frowned. "She just retreated, Xander."

"Be quiet, brother," Xander groaned.

Anna frowned. "Oh, poop. I really messed that one up, huh? Wait here a 'sec. Okay, guys?" She ran off, disappearing into the Dragon's Gate.

Xander groaned again, in obvious pain from Anna's wound piror. Corrin reached inside his pockets and frowned - he was out of vulneraries.

 _'Wait a minute,'_ Corrin thought. _'I'm remembering something I said to Jakob earlier! If I can flashback to what it was, perhaps could help Xander out here…'_

* * *

 _Earlier that day_ ….

Corrin grinned, looking at Jakob.

Jakob sighed.

Corrin's grin widened even more, stretching the folds of his face to inhuman amounts. (That made sense. After all, he wasn't _quite_ human.)

"Jakob," Corrin said. "Guess what me and Azura just did?"

"Do I want to know?" Jakob asked. "Is it perhaps an image that will haunt me for the rest of eternity, resulting in me spending my spare wages on alcoholic beverages, getting extremely intoxicated to the point where my body can no longer function, and then, perhaps, passing out inebriated?"

"What a story, Jakob!" Corrin laughed. "You do all of that stuff anyways! No, me and Azura just had sex, but _this time_ , I was a dragon!" He grinned, looking at Jakob expectantly.

"Fascinating," Jakob said.

"It was amazing! You really should have been there!"

"Some offense intended, milord," Jakob sighed rather loudly, "but I would much prefer taking a bath in boiling acid."

Corrin nodded. "No offense taken. I'm not really into voyeurism either, but Azura's into some really kinky shit. That's just the top of the list."

Jakob headed to leave. "I'm not even close to drunk enough for this," he lamented, exiting Corrin's treehouse room. Corrin shrugged and turned around. "Sorry, it looks like Jakob's out. I really thought he'd go for it."

Azura frowned and grabbed a clipboard from the top of Corrin's dresser. The parchment had the text "Potential Three-Way Candidates" written as a header. She grabbed a spare quill and some ink, crossing off the third name on the list.

"Wait, who is _Rinkah_?" Azura asked.

Corrin shrugged. "I don't know. The name sounds familiar. I just grabbed the list from the Records Hall. It's supposed to be a roster, I think."

"That _would_ explain why Kana and Shigure are on here …" the songstress slowly drawled, frowning.

* * *

Corrin shook his head. "Well that wasn't helpful at all," he realized. "Maybe I should try thinking of something else."

Xander smacked Corrin on the back. Hard.

"Ow!" Corrin shouted. "What the hell, Xander?"

"Why didn't you heal me?" Xander yelled. "I was lying on the ground in excruciating agony!"

"I was _trying_ to flashback and remember a way to heal you!" Corrin said, marginally annoyed at having his back slapped. "It's not like I had any vulneraries or concoctions on me!"

Xander smacked Corrin again. "What does it matter?" he asked. "Did you forget that any injuries or healing effects applied to one replicated body affects the other?"

"So you're saying…" Corrin trailed off.

"Yes, that's _exactly_ what I'm saying!" Xander shouted, frustrated. "You should have healed me in the war council! Why didn't you grab Flora or something?"

"Flora's a dread fighter now, actually," Corrin said quietly.

Xander frowned. "Why, exactly," he asked, "is our _only_ unit capable of healing currently posing as a _dread fighter_?"

"She's not the only healer!" Corrin whined. "Elise can heal people, too."

"You reclassed Elise into an _archer_!"

"Archers are overpowered as hell and look really cool!" Corrin argued back. "We just discussed this in our _other_ bodies at the War Council!"

"It doesn't matter how _cool_ one looks when their comrades are about to be mauled!"

"Flora and Felicia seemed to think archers look cool, and I respect their judgement on that!"

"Why is that?" Xander asked, now more curious than anything else, having healed his wounds with a spare elixir at the war council.

"Because they're from the Ice Tribe!" Corrin shouted. "They're cool people! Literally! Also, I think Anna's back! We should probably stop yelling and talk to her!"

Corrin and Xander turned to face the redheaded assassin. Anna was smiling and leading a confused-looking Felicia by the arm.

"W-what's going on, Anna?" the Felicia asked. "Is Kana starting forest fires again?"

Xander looked curiously at Felicia. "Am I seeing things? Did we not just witness her death?"

Corrin frowned. "She _retreated_ , Xander. I don't know why I keep having to tell you that. Ooh, look! A butterfly!" He began to run after the winged insect.

Anna nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that. I figured if I couldn't fix _your_ Felicia, I might as well grab another. I don't want to draw the ire of some of my best customers. You guys buy so many weapons! I love war!"

Xander frowned. "Pardon me, but surely you're not implying..."

"Yep!" said Anna. "Grabbed this one from some random Outrealm. She's identical to yours in every way!" She paused. "…I think?"

"That does not instill confidence in me…"

Felicia saw Corrin and ran over to him. She grinned, wrapping him up in a warm embrace. "Corrin!" she shouted, burying her face into his chest. "I'm so happy you're alright!"

Corrin pouted. "Aww, you made me lose the butterfly. But I'm happy to see you retreated safely, Felicia."

Felicia frowned. "What are you talking about? I don't see a butterfly."

"Well, yeah." Corrin scratched his head. "It flew away."

"Oh."

"What's King Xander doing over here?" Felicia asked.

Xander frowned. " _King_ Xander?"

Felicia giggled. "Of course, my Lord! Where's your crown? Did you lose it again?"

Xander narrowed his eyes at Felicia. He turned his gaze to Anna, who only shrugged.

"So she's not _completely_ identical to your Felicia," Anna responded.

Felicia frowned. She whispered to Corrin: "Do you have any idea what Anna's talking about?"

"I never have any idea what _anyone's_ talking about," Corrin said. "I usually just go with the flow."

Felicia grabbed for his hand. He shrugged and let her take it. _'Felicia's a bit more touchy-feely today, huh?'_ he thought. _'Well, whatever. I can't say I mind. She's got soft hands.'_

Felicia grinned at Corrin, her emerald eyes wide. She was grinning from ear to ear, looking up at the draconic prince. He laughed at the sight.

"Felicia, you're so cute!" he said. "You're like a little kitten!"

Felicia's grin widened. "Oh, is that true, my prince?" she asked, still smiling dangerously. "Does that mean you'll stroke me, making me _purr?_ " Her voice lowered dangerously, and she pushed herself up against him and the wall.

Corrin was beginning to feel vaguely uncomfortable. "U-uh, Felicia?" he asked. "Shouldn't we, err, get the wife's permission first? And, you know, not do this in front of my brother and Anna?"

"I don't mind," Anna said. "I'll take photos with my snapshot tome, if you'd like."

"How much for a photo?" Corrin asked. He frowned. "Wait, what am I saying? Felicia, I can't just do this without my wife's permission!"

"You _have_ your wife's permission," the maid responded, slightly annoyed.

"No, I don't. I didn't get a chance to ask Azura, and I can't right now, even in my other body. My other body's currently at the Einherjar Shop, and Azura's probably off practicing singing in the forest."

"What do you mean, your _other_ body?" Felicia frowned. "Are we roleplaying?"

"Didn't you say you knew all about me using the replicate skill to split myself in two?"

"I do now," Felicia responded. "I don't quite know what that means – does that mean there's two of you?"

Corrin nodded. "Uh-huh."

Felicia's grin stretched further, and her face turned red. "Wow… Can you both, um… y'know?"

"Oh, I think I see what's going on here," Anna said quietly to Xander. " _This_ Felicia was married to her Corrin and thinks hers and ours are one and the same. I should probably explain that before the situation escalates."

Xander nodded. "That would be the amicable thing to do, yes. "

Neither of them moved.

"On second thought, we could just watch," Anna mused. "It might be kind of funny."

Xander didn't reply, yet also didn't make any move to halt the weird courting display. Loathe as the royal was to admit it, the situation _was_ quite entertaining.

Corrin gently grabbed Felicia's shoulders, making to push Felicia off him. "Listen, Felicia," he said. "You're a sweet girl. And I _do_ love you, just not…like that."

Felicia's eyes began to tear. "So…you're leaving me?" she said slowly. The abandoned ruins suddenly dropped ten degrees. "But I thought we were in love!"

"I'm not quite sure where you got that idea…" Corrin paused. "Was it Azura's three-way offer? Because she's tried to set one up with practically everyone in camp. I think the only ones that have agreed so far are Niles and Nina, though, which presents a bit of an ethical quandary."

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I got your feelings confused as love when you _proposed_ _to me?_ " Felicia cried. "H-how could you?!"

"…What?!" Corrin stared.

"W-won't you at least give me a r-reason before you break my heart?" Felicia asked shakily. "What will our daughter think?"

"Felicia," said Corrin, "I've never proposed to you, much less had child with you! And I never will! I'm happily married!"

"What…?! But, I…"

"Corrin! I found you!" Felicia suddenly yelled from the other side of the ruins. Corrin turned to face the other side - a girl with pinkish-auburn hair waved to him. "Hello!"

Corrin stood, stupefied, before his face broke into a huge grin. "Oh, I get it now," he said. "The flirting, and the making me uncomfortable, and the weird sensual whispering...it was a joke, right? Is ventriloquism a new skill that maids can learn?"

"Corrin!" Felicia shouted, rushing up to the draconic prince's left side and looking him over for injury. "Are you alright, my lord? I had to retreat from the battlefield after that devastating attack, but I'm in good health now!"

Corrin nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. How'd you do that trick? Throwing your voice is so nifty! I want to try it!"

She frowned. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."

Corrin nodded. "Ah, right. I'll explain. So," he said, turning to his right, " _this_ Felicia was pretending to seduce me." He faced the Felicia on his left. "And _you_ used ventriloquism to throw your voice and project the second Felicia, which is obviously an illusion. He then proceeded to punch the Outrealm Felicia in the face, knocking her on the ground.

"See?" he asked. "My hand phased right through her!" Corrin nodded, clearly pleased with himself for deducing the science behind this clever trick.

Non-Outrealm Felicia (who shall hereby be referred to as "Normal Felicia", to avoid the already increasing confusion) just stared at her duplicate, slack jawed. Outrealm Felicia was lying on the ground after being punched in the face by a dragon-man.

Anna was speechless.

Xander's jaw was gaping open.

Corrin, as per usual, was smiling.

Xander attempted to squeeze words out. "There are _two_ of them. One was…dead."

"I r-retreated," Normal Felicia said.

"Your h-head was s-separated from your body," said Anna. "I killed you."

"I retreated."

"You had no pulse!" Xander said.

"I _retreated._ "

"But-"

Xander was interrupted by the Outrealm Felicia, who picked herself up from the floor. Xander's mouth shut, and he stared.

"Wha-huh?" Outrealm Felicia asked, flabbergasted as she stared into her own eyes. "You're…you're me!"

Normal Felicia frowned, looking to Corrin. She looked at Outrealm Felicia, then back at Corrin. She shook her hair, her ponytail slapping her face. "Lord Corrin, did you start playing around with body-switching hexes again?"

"Nope."

"Oh."

Normal Felicia looked down at her outfit, and realized her clothes were as maid-y as ever. She was the only maid in the army, and so she knew these were her clothes - thus, she was in her body. "So if I didn't switch bodies…"

The Outrealm Felicia continued in her twin's stead. "And since neither of us are mechanists, we can't use replicate…"

"Outrealms," Anna explained, regaining her senses. She massaged her forehead with her index fingers. "I brought her over from the Outrealms. It's the answer to everything here. Outrealms."

"Cool!" Corrin said. "Hey, since there are two Felicias now, would you guys like to have another Book Club meeting? We finally have enough members!"

The Felicias looked at each other, then frowned.

"Wouldn't we both have the same perspective on the book, though, my Lord?" Normal Felicia asked.

Corrin shrugged. "Yeah, but does it matter? A book club is just about spending time with fr-"

"Got you!" Elise said. She snuck up behind Corrin and tagged him. "You're it, little brother!" she shouted, running away.

"Fuck!" Corrin shouted.

"I thought they were playing hide-and-seek, not tag," Xander said to Anna.

Anna, who had begun to count her gold, completely ignored him and continued counting. "Twenty-two gold pieces, twenty-three gold pieces…"

* * *

Author's Notes:

Oh, man. This chapter was a doozy. Almost 4,000 words! I think it may have run on a bit long. Let me know what you guys think. I live for feedback and criticism, good or bad!

I was originally going to have Kaze take the role of Felicia, but then I realized he was kind of boring, and I couldn't play off of him. Plus, I haven't seen many supports with him, so I didn't know how to write him, and it frankly sucked. I was then going to give Felicia's role to Jakob, but then I realized he's currently somewhere else, which you'll see in the next chapter. So I thought Felicia would be fun. She's very silly.

I've also upped the rating in this story to 'M', as it has heavy implications of sex. That's supposed to be 'M' rated, according to this website's rule guidelines. I also added some characters into the description, though I might change that as more characters are added, and some characters become more active in the story than others. For instance, Elise has only appeared, like, once.

potatoman098: Yeah, I'll admit that I paired Azura and Corrin together because they're the easiest, and they're arguably the most "canon" couple. (Like I said: They talk like a married couple in-game already.) Though I tried to make Azura more interesting in this story. One thing we don't see in-game, for obvious reasons, is the characters' sex lives, and so that's up to interpretation. I made her really weird and sexual, because of the fact that she'd married a man who can turn into, you know, a _dragon_. That's preetttty kinky.

That Guy: Yeah, I think Nina and Soleil are funny precisely _because_ they're blunt and have no qualms about saying what they're thinking. Same applies to Jakob.

The Apocryphal One: Thank you! And I plan on adding more craziness in!

ImagInarI: Thanks for the long review! I appreciate all of the feedback. The voting idea is interesting. I might have to steal that, heh. I've actually read 'Robin for Exalt' as well! It's very funny, and Robin's pretty nuts in that one, too, though she seems nuts _because_ she's driven to it.

I _do_ plan on using Robin in this story a lot more; in fact, next chapter is almost all about him! He's basically going to be Corrin, but more of an asshole. I don't plan on him using any Grima powers, though. He's not evil, he's just an asshole. Then again, the amiibo Robin _is_ Smash Robin, so I could have some fun with that!

Sorry, but I don't think I'll be adding any Awakening characters in; at least not yet. Maybe some references to the Shepards from Robin, but since Fire Emblem Fates has a shit ton of characters as is, I don't want to add to that.

Let me know what you think of this chapter: If it was too long, funny, bad, good, anything. The next chapter should be done soon. (I did them both concurrently, so they would reference each other, as parts of the chapters are supposed to be happening simultaneously.)

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	5. Robin The Spotlight

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 5: Robin The Spotlight**

* * *

Leo drummed his fingers on the war table.

"Where are Corrin and Xander?" he asked. "Did they not say they would arrive by four o'clock? It's 4:15 – shouldn't they be here all ready?"

Jakob sighed melodramatically, rolling his eyes. "If I know Master Corrin – and unfortunately for my health, I do - he's just late. Freshly-baked cookies, anyone?" Jakob took out a plate of cookies, placing it on the table in front of him.

Leo, Camilla, Azura, and each grabbed a cookie and started munching. They were seated in the Mess Hall, and a table had been set up to aid the battle-weary warriors in the fight against eating their meals on the ground.

Camilla shook her head and bit into a pumpkin cookie, her long purple hair moving from side to side. "I'm sure our brothers will be here soon enough, Leo. Xander's never been one to miss a meeting." She swallowed a final piece of the cookie and proceeded to grab another one. This one was snickerdoodle.

Leo frowned. "True, but can you even count the number of times Corrin _has_? He's very untimely."

"Jakob," Camilla asked, "what _did_ you make these heavenly morsels with? They're fantastic!"

"Nohrian Scum!" someone shouted.

"…Pardon?" Camilla said. "You made them with scum? Is that a spice?"

Jakob shook his head. "That wasn't me. And for the record, I didn't even make the things. I bought them at Annbertson's Grocery. I don't have the spare time to make cookies. We're an army not a for crying out loud! We don't have money for pleasantries."

Camilla frowned. "Then who said...?"

Without warning, Takumi entered the Mess Hall. His bushy, styled-up blonde ponytail was bouncing up and down as he walked indoors. Ignoring the looks of disbelief, Takumi proceeded to grab a macadamia nut cookie from the plate and stuff it in his mouth.

"What's up," Takumi casually pulled a chair over. He sat down at an empty seat on the table. "Thanks for the cookie, guys."

"Takumi?" Azura asked, frowning. "What are you doing here in Nohr? Have you joined our cause, perhaps…?"

Takumi shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe another me has. I haven't, though."

Azura's scowl deepened. "I don't understand…"

"Welcome to the club." He took another bite of the cookie.

"I _dearly_ appreciate you asking before taking my cookies," said Jakob, his tone biting. "I worked very hard on them, you know. They're made from scratch."

Takumi once again shrugged. "They looked like they were for the taking, and Robin's orders don't involve food. I might as well enjoy being sentient while I can, right?"

Azura raised her eyebrows at the Robin comment, but said nothing.

Camilla narrowed her eyes. "If you've even laid a finger on my dear Corrin, I'll kill you and your whole family." She hesitated and tilted her head. "Well, I suppose I'll be doing the latter regardless. But the important part is that I'll kill you first, darling."

Takumi blinked. "I have no idea what you're talking about, ma'am."

"Don't try and play a fool, darling. I know who you are - you're one of those royals from Hoshido."

Takumi quirked his head. "And what of it?" he asked. Suddenly, he stiffened as he realized something had set his ponytail ablaze.

Leo smirked across the table, barely concealing a fire tome in his right hand. "Who's the Nohrian scum _now_ , you big tropical fruit?"

"It's still you!" Takumi grabbed an arrowhead from his quiver, using it cut off his burning ponytail. He shoved the hair clump on the floor and sat on it, smothering the flames with his butt.

"What the hell was that for?" a new voice asked. "Seriously, I leave you people alone for five minutes on your own, and you're already killing each other! You're worse than betta fish!"

"And just who the hell are you?" Leo asked.

"Is this a Nohrian tradition or something?" asked the new voice. "Acting like a tremendous jerk to any new warriors aiding your cause? Because, quite frankly, I hate it."

The newcomer was wearing a black coat adorned with a strange purple design. He was male, and his voice was deep, sounding like it would be quite well-suited to shout things like "You're not ready yet!" and "It's time to tip the scales!".

The man was Robin.

"Excuse me," said Azura, "who are you? I can't say I've seen your face around these parts."

Robin grinned in greeting. "I'm Robin, the tactician of a group of mercenaries called the 'Shepherds'. Corrin asked me to aid you all in this war meeting."

Camilla perked up at the mention of "war", and got a good look at the newcomer. She smiled a tad, showing her pearly whites. Straightening her back, she pushed her breasts forward, trying to look alluring for the newcomer. Camilla wasn't certain what it was, but something about this Robin was just so damn _cute_. She wanted nothing more than to talk with him, perhaps four times, have a child with him, and then throw that child into a Deeprealm somewhere - Robin was simply _that_ precious.

Jakob, on the other hand, had no attraction to Robin and thus, he had no qualms about being an insufferable ass in his general vicinity. "You tend sheep," he observed. "That's certainly an odd occupation for a _tactician,_ of all things."

"No." Robin shook his head. "'Shepherds' is simply the name of a militia I'm a part of. We fight bandits and the like.

"Wow. That is an impressively idiotic name."

Robin took an empty seat at the table. "Yeah, well... You're a shitty butler."

Jakob balked. "Excuse me?"

Robin smirked and grabbed a chocolate cookie from the platter. "You heard me correctly. Where I come from, butlers are supposed to be _respectful_ towards their employers - I've seen how you act when Corrin isn't in the room… You're not respectful towards anyone. In fact, not only are you unfriendly, you're a tremendous asshole to anyone _but_ Corrin. Quite frankly, I'd prefer Fredrick's Chrom fetishism to your perverted branch of butlery."

"Who's Chrom?" Camilla wondered out loud. "Is he your boyfriend? Please tell me you don't have a boyfriend."

Jakob balked. No one had called him out in front of an audience like this before! Insulted, his first instinct was to British it up. "Well, I never…!"

"Oh, and one more thing," Robin said, as he grabbed another chocolate cookie and took a bite into it. He spat it out. "These cookies are awful. Seriously, _I've_ made cookies that taste better than this. And that's saying something."

Robin faced Azura. "Lucina?" he asked. Azura's frown moved upwards, turning into a look of confusion.

"Hm?" Azura asked.

Robin sighed. "Think nothing of it. You just reminded me of a friend from another life, that's all. What's your name?"

"I'm Azura. I-I'm a princess." She wasn't certain why she added in that last part, but she just hoped Robin found it impressive. For some reason, Robin radiated an aura that made her want to just rip off her pendant and her clothes, press against him on the table, and-

"Ah. That's nice." Robin nodded. "My friend Lucina was a princess, too."

His words interrupted Azura from a very dangerous trail of thought.

"You remind me of her," Robin said. "So, just what purpose do you serve for our little Nohrian army here? Are you any good with a weapon?"

"I can wield a lance if need be, but my true talent lies in singing. I sing to inspire morale and give our soldiers an improved will to fight."

"Oh, a songstress, eh? What songs do you know?"

"I know one called 'Lost in Thoughts, All Alone'. Would you like to hear me sing it? It kind of hurts a bit to sing, but if it's for _you_ …" Azura fluttered her eyelids.

Robin shook his head. "No, if it hurts you, I'd rather not. Do you know any other songs?"

Azura sighed.

Robin frowned at her. "You…you don't actually know any other songs? What kind of songstress only knows one song?"

"I do know _Wonderwa_ _ll_ ," Azura said right before the tactician cut her off.

"What is a songstress doing in an army, anyway?" Robin began to rant. "If you're like that Feroxi dancer babe and her 'special' dances, I'd like you to know I'm a parallel-universe married man! Well, okay, _I'm_ not married, but I know of versions of me that are. I once read this book on parallel universes called _Outrealms: The Special and General Theory_. According to the book, multiple universes…"

"Gods, does this guy _ever_ shut up?" Leo moaned to Xander.

Xander sighed. "Apparently not. He's worse than Corrin in that respect."

Corrin tilted his head. "Worse than me at what?"

Xander put his palm on his face and exhaled. "Brother, I only meant it as-"

"Now just hold on a minute!" Leo interrupted. "When in the seven hells did you two get here? We've been waiting for the both of you to show up this whole damned meeting!"

"Oh, so sorry about that, Leo!" Corrin replied. "We got a little held up with some chores."

Xander promptly removed his palm from his face and elaborated. "Corrin and I were simply working on improving a new technique to be more efficient in our daily chores and routines," he said. "I'm sorry we didn't arrive in a timely manner. It won't happen again, Leo."

"We also got these stylish new outfits, too!" Corrin added, wiggling his arms in the air to show off his new loose linens. "We learned the replicate skill!"

"That's…interesting," Leo commented, not quite sure what the replicate skill did, and not really caring. "More importantly, can either of you tell me how and _why_ Takumi is present?"

Corrin shrugged. "Ask Robin. He was the one who brought him here."

"But I've already tried, and he-" Leo was cut off, as Corrin started to scream at Robin.

"Yo, Robin!" Corrin yelled, trying to aim his voice across the table.

The tactician was engrossed in his own conversation with Azura, who was resting her chin on her hands, her elbows on the table, and giving goo-goo eyes to the tactician.

"And that's why you make sure you always double-check the instruction label before using a body-swap spell on a double-date," Robin said.

Corrin sighed. There seemed to be quite a bit of sighing going on tonight, he had noticed.

Robin continued talking, unaware of Corrin's growing (albeit very, very slowly) impatience. "I'd planned on swapping with Lucina to show her how well I knew her and could impersonate her. So, we made a bet."

"Robin?" Corrin inquired.

"I figured the people who knew us best would be the ideal judges, but Chrom and Sumia were booked up." Robin shrugged. "Also, Chrom said he didn't have time for any more of my 'shenanigans'. Anyway, me and Lucina ended up double-dating with Inigo and Severa. Of course, the hex went wrong, and for once I'd planned _poorly_ and done the switch _during_ the date instead of before it. I swapped bodies with Severa, and Lucina switched with Inigo."

"Robin!" Corrin said.

Xander started moaning in pain - his other body had begun to bleed out. Corrin knew there weren't any healers nearby, unfortunately, so he figured it was best to just ignore it. Xander was strong, and he still had 10 HP out of an available 37, so he would be fine. Probably.

Robin continued talking, still unaware of Corrin's attempts to catch his attention. "The three of them were pretty pissed off. Well, Inigo wasn't upset – actually, he kept fondling Lucina's breasts. Well, _his_ breasts, I guess I should say, but there wasn't much to begin with, really. Lucina's body really excels more in another department, if you know what I-"

"ROBIN!" Corrin screamed.

"That was the most romantic night of my and Lucina's lives," Robin said softly. "Of course, she wasn't really _my_ Lucina. I don't even have a Lucina! I'm single in my reality. I just happened to walk into their Outrealm, saw a Robin making out with Lucina, thought 'Damn, I want a piece of _that_ '. So I stuffed the other Robin into a broom closet and took his place for the day."

Corrin had _enough_. He couldn't take the madness anymore! Xander's painful moaning, Robin's ranting, Azura's goo-goo eyes, and his elder sister continually fondling her bust and giggling, trying to catch the tactician's eye.

"ROBIN! SHUT UP!" Corrin flung the nearest weapon he could find at Robin.

A Pebble +1 hit Robin in the shoulder. "Huh?" he asked. "Oh, Corrin. What's up?"

"Why the hell is Takumi here?" Corrin screamed.

Robin beamed at his friend. "Oh, the answer is so simple! See, that's not really Takumi - that's just an Einherjar the shop whipped up. I thought he could provide some valuable insight into the real Takumi's actions and whereabouts, seeing as Takumi is the prince of Hoshido and all of that royal nonsense."

Xander closed his eyes and nodded. He'd found a spare elixir and healed himself with it, and as a direct result, had stopped groaning in increasing discomfort. "That actually makes sense," he said.

"Why choose Takumi?" Leo inquired. "He's not as important, as, say, Ryoma or Garon are."

"Are you kidding me?" Robin slammed his hands on the table. "We can't _afford_ a Ryoma or Garon! We're broke enough as is! A Takumi Einherjar is more knowledgeable about the Hoshidians, than, say, a Sakura, but not so much that he'd be really expensive. As a bonus, he can use wield a bow and bow users are overpowered in this world."

The Takumi Einherjar smirked, put his hands over his head, and leaned back into his chair. "You're gods-damn right we are."

Leo grinned. "Robin, you're actually pretty smart. Know our enemies and whatnot."

"Indeed," Robin affirmed.

"So what else did you want us here for, Robin?" Azura asked.

Robin shrugged. "Honestly?" he asked. "It was really just the Takumi thing. I'll talk with it - er, _him_ \- later and see what he knows. He _should_ know everything Takumi did up until the moment of the card's inception. That leaves us with information that's only a few hours out-of-date."

"Does he know that he's a card?" Azura asked quietly.

Robin didn't get subtle hint to keep the conversation quiet and continued loudly (as per usual). "Yeah, like I said: this Einherjar's a few hours old already. You know what most Einherjar do when they're created?"

Azura shook her head.

Camilla saw an opportunity to impress Robin and pounced on it, much like a dog would its own tail: very, _very_ poorly, and completely missing the target in the process.

"Like a caterpillar-turned-butterfly, they must adjust to their new form, so they rest," she articulated, happy with her poetic word choice and accurate answer.

Robin shook his head. "Nope. Sorry, not even close."

Camilla frowned, displeased that she hadn't managed to impress Robin. She settled on trying the 'sexy momma' act again and began fondling herself. "You're _sooo_ smart, Robin. Tell me - what _do_ the Einherjar do when they're born?"

"First off, I don't know what you're trying to do with your bust, lady, but you _really_ need a better tailor. You've got giant holes everywhere. And to answer your second question: they brood." The tactician smirked, and then proceeded to do his best 'professor' impersonation. "Now class, can anyone tell me why the Einherjar brood? Jacunt - er, Jakob?"

"Jakob left a while ago," Azura said. "He seemed rather upset that you called him out on his behavior."

"Oh."

"Robin," Corrin said. "I'll bite. Why do they brood?"

"Ah, that's elementary, my dear Corrin," said Robin. "The Einherjar are created with the memories of the original person and, as such, believe they _are_ that person." He hesitated, and the corners of his mouth drooped a bit. "Well, up until they see themselves shimmering. Then they usually think they're a ghost, and then someone usually talks to them and explains that they're a copy of the original. Then the Einherjar must go through the obligatory spiritual crisis. It's actually kind of fun to watch, in a macabre sort of way."

" _I_ would enjoy watching such an interesting event, Robin. Would you like to show me how the process works, sometime?" Camilla winked. "I could show you a, shall we say, _process_ of my very own." She jiggled her bosoms.

"Put on some clothing first, ma, and then we'll talk." Robin frowned. "Honestly? I'm not into the whole 'sexy mother' thing; it's kind of creepy." He frowned more. " _You're_ creepy, lady. But I _would_ like to create some more Einherjar. You can never have enough Galeforce users, you know. Those guys are super powerful."

Corrin stood up from his table. "To the Einherjar Shop!" he shouted, running out of the room. Robin followed behind, his Grimleal cloak flapping behind him.

Azura shrugged, and pulled out a guitar from her dress. She began strumming it and singing.

 _"Today is gonna be the day_

 _That they're gonna throw it back to you_

 _By now you should've somehow_

 _Realized what you gotta do_

 _I don't believe that anybody_

 _Feels the way I do, about you now..."_

"I didn't punch her when she asked for a three-way," Leo whispered to Xander. "Can I do it now?"

The prince shook his head. "I don't think that's wise, Leo. After all, it's not dangerous, only an annoying song."

 _"Because maaayyybe_

 _You're gonna be the one that saves me_

 _And after all_

 _You are the ocean's grey waaaaaaves…"_

"On second thought, don't punch her," Xander whispered. "Use Brynhildr."

Leo, grinning, began to fire up the tome.

* * *

Author's Notes:

I tried to make Robin more or less Corrin, but more vulgar, a lot smarter, and a complete ass. So, er, nothing like Corrin, now that I think about it, aside from the rambling.

This chapter was shorter than the previous one because I'd completed it _before_ Chapter 4. In retrospect, I don't think it was as entertaining as said chapter; not much actually happened aside from the Einherjar reveal. I'll remedy that with more goofiness in the next chapter.

Oh, and I'll be responding to reviews through PM now; I don't want to add so much text in the A/N in the future.

The Apocryphal One: The only part I really intended to be "sad" was the "retreat" of Felicia, honestly. Corrin and Anna were supposed to be silly, but now that I re-read it, I guess even silly things sound sad when someone's head was just chopped off, huh? Oops.

Nah, but I think it actually ended up working better this way. And I totally forgot about Azura's JPN skinship lines! I actually read about that on TVTropes a few days prior; that's where I think I originally got the "Azura being a sexual deviant" idea.

Please leave a review if you loved it, hated it, thought it was mediocre, see a typo; whatever. I want to improve my writing, and the only way to do that is through feedback!


	6. Alternate Astral Realm

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 6: Alternate Astral Realm**

* * *

"So, how many Einherjar can I buy?" Robin asked.

Selena, who was on duty at the Einherjar Shop, rolled her eyes. "How should I know?" she asked, scowling per usual. "Why don't you ask someone who works here?"

"You're sitting behind the counter. In the Einherjar Shop."

"Yeah. So? Anyone can sit behind a desk."

Robin frowned. "You're the only other person in the shop."

"Corrin's here." She pointed to the corner of the shop. Corrin was standing next to Kana and assaulting her with tickles.

"Papa, stop it!" Kana giggled. "That tickles!"

Corrin stopped his playful assault, closed his eyes, and thought about it for a few seconds. Nodding to himself and grinning, he resumed his onslaught, much to the young girl's glee. "Nah, I'd rather keep tickling you! This is too much fun!" The young girl attempted to squirm out of the prince's reach, giggling as childish squeals filled the room.

"See?" Selena said. "Corrin could be on duty."

"Corrin's _never_ on duty!" Robin replied. "He doesn't work at any of the shops."

Selena huffed and crossed her arms. "He should be! If Lady Camilla and I have to man the shop every so often, Corrin should, too! Even Lord Xander isn't exempt - and he's in line to be king!"

"I don't think _man_ is a good choice of verb in that context, Severa."

'Selena' gasped, holding a hand to her open mouth. She slapped Robin, tinting his cheeks pink. "Don't call me that here!" she whispered. "You never know who could be listening in."

Robin shook his head. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit. Now, could you _please_ just give me my gods-damned Einherjar and let me be on my way? I don't know if you've noticed, but I kind of have a war to attend to." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "...again."

" _Fine_. Which ones would you like?"

Robin eyed the shelves littered with cards. "Well, what've you got? Do you have a pamphlet or catalogue or something I can browse?"

Suddenly, Elise slammed the door open and burst into the entrance of the shop, panting. She shut the door and backed against it, snickering. "Hah! Corrin won't find me here!" she said, her blonde pigtails moist with sweat.

Corrin stopped the tickle attack on his youngest spawn and looked up. "Did someone call me?"

Elise just looked confused. "Corrin?" she asked. "Weren't you just at the Dragon's Gate? How did you get here so fast? Or, for that matter, know where I was?"

Corrin ignored her, focusing his attention on the tactician. "Robin, will you be okay here by yourself for a while? I think I'm going to merge my bodies and head to the Dragon's Gate for a bit."

Robin shrugged and waved his hand in Corrin's direction. "Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine." He began to thumb through an inventory packet Selena had handed him.

Corrin nodded, pleased with Robin's response.

Elise, meanwhile, remained confused. "Wait, Corrin, seriously, how _did_ you get-"

But before she could finish, Corrin ran up to the princess, tapped her on the shoulder, shouted, "Tag! You're it!" and disappeared in a flash of light.

"What," Elise muttered.

"The hell was that?" Selena exclaimed.

Robin licked his lips and turned the page of the pamphlet. He snickered. "Hey, they sell animals as Einherjar, too! Awwww, it's a kitty!"

Elise pouted and crossed her arms. "Will someone please tell me what's going on? I'm an adult! I deserve to know what's going on around here. Does it have something to do with the replicate thing from earlier?"

"Hey Elise, you want to ride dragon-me?" Kana suddenly asked.

"No!" Elise pouted, her bottom lip puffing up. "I won't rest until I figure out why Corrin is acting so weird!"

"We can blow things up with my fire breath. You can aim my dragon head while I blast things! It'll be like archery practice, except with pyrotechnics instead of arrows!"

Elise jumped up and down, completely having completely forgotten about her earlier objective. "Ooh, ooh! Okay! Can we try to aim for Laslow?"

"Huh. You know, I've been getting that request a lot recently. I think you're the third person to ask this week." Kana's face grew into an unbelievably wide grin. "So, okay!"

Elise clapped her hands together giddily and hopped onto her daughter-in-law's back.

Kana ran outside, hefted her Dragonstone into the air and transformed into a roaring silver beast. The duo flew off and started a misadventure.

Robin looked up from the catalogue and glanced at the scowling clerk. He glared at the children flying away into the distance. "I hate kids," he mumbled.

* * *

"Huh. I thought I'd feel different somehow," said Corrin, "but I feel the same as ever."

Xander shrugged. "Perhaps the re-merging of replicated bodies requires a cooldown period?"

Corrin shook his head. "I don't think so. The class's instruction manual didn't say anything about that."

"Maybe the distance has something to do with it, Corrin?" Outrealm Felicia asked. "Lord Xander stood beside himself, quite literally, before merging. On the other hand, you tried it from across the astral realm."

"It could be related to the length of time you've used it, Lord Corrin," Normal Felicia added. "In battle, mechanists usually only use the skill for a short period at a time, and Xander only used it for an hour or so. You've been replicated since this morning!"

Corrin put his right thumb and index finger on his (non-existent) beard and started stroking it in contemplation. "Hmm, fascinating," he said, trying to sound smart. "This crevice requires much forsooth inquiry."

"Look, I enjoy a good beard stroking as much as the next gal," Anna butted in, "but I think I know what's going on. Your maid was right, Corrin."

"Thank you!" Normal Felicia said.

"The _other_ maid. The Outrealm one."

"Oh."

Outrealm Felicia curtseyed. "Thank you, milady!" she chirped.

"Don't mention it, kiddo. Anyway, you're gonna want to stand back a tad. You ever used a tape measure?"

Corrin shook his head.

"A rubber band?"

"Nope," he replied.

"Elastic?"

"What's that?"

Anna's palm met her face. "Well, at least I found a new market," she mumbled. "Look, just stand back a little bit, okay? Your soul was split into two. Really soon it's going to ram back inside your body really, _really_ fast, and if you're not careful you'll ricochet off to who knows where!" She wiggled her fingers in the air to enhance the dramatic flair and really get her point across.

Corrin nodded, this time up and down in acknowledgement. "Ah, I get it!" he said. "So, when do you think it'll happen? It sounds fun! I've always wanted to fly!"

Outrealm Felicia gave him a pointed glare.

"In, er, human form," he amended.

Anna shrugged. "Honestly? I thought it would've already happened by now. Usually these kinds of things happen when you're least expecting… Oh, there he goes."

Corrin slammed backwards, flying through the air. "Someone caaaatch meeeeeee!" he wailed, flying into the swirling Outrealm portal.

"Hey! You can't go through there without payment!" Anna whined.

The Felicias put their hands to their mouths. "We've got trouble!" they shouted.

Anna turned to face the girls. "Hey, harmonious! Nice!" She whistled. "Unfortunately, now I have more important things to do than compliment good musical tempo. I have to rescue that prince!"

"I didn't peg you as the rescuing type," Xander said. "No offense intended."

The Anna assassin shrugged. "None taken. But if word gets out that people are getting through that Gate for free, then the _flood_ gates will open, and no one will take me seriously when I try and charge them an entry fee!"

"Wait, you don't own the Gate?" Outrealm Felicia asked. "B-but you charged me twenty gold to enter this Outrealm! At the time, I didn't even know what was happening!"

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about."

"But-"

"Look, do you want to rescue Corrin or not?"

"Of course! But-"

"Then shut your trap and get a move on!" Anna tugged on Outrealm Felicia's hand. The young maid twisted her torso and hand away, trying to escape the assassin's grip.

"L-let go of me!" she cried.

"Just come on! We don't have time to lose! Time is money!"

"Both of you, stop this!" Xander boomed. "You're acting like spoiled children."

Anna released her grip. Outrealm Felicia stopped struggling. Both women looked up at Xander, who suddenly seemed to have grown a few inches taller. "Before we rescue Corrin, we need a plan. We can't just march into unknown territory without any backup. Let me get my retainers before we continue on our journey." He started to walk away from the Gate.

"I can help!" said Normal Felicia. "Let me get Jakob." She rushed west to notify him.

A few tense seconds passed between Anna and Outrealm Felicia, each trying to avoid the other's eyes. Finally, someone spoke up.

"So," Anna said, "in your world, you married Corrin?"

"Uh-huh." Outrealm Felicia nodded.

"Isn't that kind of weird? You know, with him being your employer and all?"

Outrealm Felicia shook her head. "Oh, not at all! Corrin is the best husband a girl could ask for. He's so thoughtful, and caring, and sweet, and handsome…" She hesitated. "He can be a tad naïve, but he's just a big marshmallow, really."

"That's nice and dandy, but what about him being your boss? Isn't it kind of demeaning to have a partnership like that?"

Outrealm Felicia looked away and began clutching the sides of her dress. Anna could have sworn she saw blush lining the girl's cheeks. "I don't mind."

"Hold up a second here; you _don't mind_?" Anna started to get irritated. "Corrin has all the authority in the relationship; he's your boss! He could fire you at a moment's notice! He could order you to wash his feet, scrub the castle latrines, or worse if he was ever mad at you! That kind of power dynamic doesn't seem fair at all! How can you be okay with that?"

Felicia's face reddened more, and her fingers tightened against the dress's ridges. "I said I don't mind. And I'd prefer it if you stopped asking me these scandalous questions!"

Anna nodded, comprehension growing on her face. Her smile widened. She smirked, placing her finger on her ruby lips. "You don't happen to like the relationship _because_ of that, do you?"

Felicia's face was so ripe and red, one could have convinced Leo to eat it. "B-be quiet!" Outrealm Felicia wailed.

Anna giggled in response.

"Leave Felicia alone!" a voice rang out. "A woman that beautiful deserves to be respected!"

"Yes, leave her alone!" another voice cried. "Such a fair warrior deserves to be assaulted in the throes of battle, triumphing over foes, not verbally attacked by some devil-colored fiend!"

Anna's snicker quickly concluded, replaced by an impatient frown. She tapped her finger on her chin. "Oh, _great_. These guys."

A blonde-haired man in a revealing dark mage's outfit ran up to Anna. He was accompanied by a grey-haired man with golden earrings, a blue mercenary's sweater, and a silky smile that screamed 'sex appeal'.

Of course, any 'sex appeal' the Mercenary possibly possessed dropped tremendously the instant he opened his yapper, but that's neither here nor there, really.

"I…am Odin Dark!" the blonde boy, Odin, shouted. "And this is my fair companion Laslow - womanizer, dancer, and an esteemed mercenary!"

"I can introduce myself, you know," Laslow commented. "I do have a mouth."

"You're not dramatic enough!" said Odin. "It's so boring when you do it!"

"You're _too_ dramatic when you announce it!" Laslow retorted. "I don't mind a little creative flair, but 'womanizer', really? Was that necessary?"

"It wouldn't be if you wouldn't stop hitting on everything with a skirt!"

"Odin, I don't know if you've noticed, but most of the women in this army _don't have skirts!_ They have armor…plate…things! And I'm married!"

Odin frowned. "Then why are you chasing women?"

Laslow shrugged. "It's my shtick. Why do you still talk like you're in a low-budget play?"

"Because the darkness which runs throughout my veins craves vengeance against those who have sinned me!"

"…and?"

Odin's shoulders sagged. "And…it's kind of my thing. All right, all right. I see your point."

"Look, if you two are done leaning on the fourth wall, can we get down to business?" Anna asked tapping her foot impatiently.

"We're leaning on what now?" Laslow asked.

Anna pointedly ignored him. "What are _you_ doing here?" she asked, pointing at Odin. "Aren't you supposed to be the younger prince's retainer?"

"Peri was busy," was Odin's reply.

"She was in her…happy place…" Laslow elaborated.

"Her…happy place? What does that mean?" Outrealm Felicia inquired.

Laslow sighed. "Peri is in an enclosed fence…slaughtering dogs. Every week we round up the canines that are set to be euthanized, fence them in with her, and let her go nuts. We have an arrangement from the local animal shelter to get the death row dogs every Sunday. It tames her bloodlust and does the dirty work for the shelter."

Outrealm Felicia recoiled in horror. "Oh gods, that's horrifying!"

Laslow shrugged, indifferent. "It's better than the alternative."

* * *

 _A few months ago…_

"Gods, Peri!" Laslow shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Peri lay atop her bed in the soldier's bunks and wearing a one-piece pajama-esque suit that had oversized buttons sewn on and was multicolored. Her face was painted white with heavy eye makeup, and had a big honking red nose smack dab in the middle of her face.

"Greetings, Laslow!" she chirped. "I'm Peri the Clown! Would you like a huuuug?"

She moved towards the mercenary, grinning. Forcibly, she coddled him into a nice, warm hug.

Laslow whimpered.

"There, there," she said, stroking his back gently. "Shh. It's okay, baby. Cry it out."

Laslow sobbed into her shoulder.

"Now," she whispered into his ear, "here comes the fun part!"

Laslow suddenly felt something hard and very, VERY painful in his back. He yanked it out and screeched. "What the hell, Peri?" he asked. "You stabbed me with a knife!"

The clown giggled. "Of course, silly! It's a Tuesday! All Tuesdays are Stabby Tuesdays!"

"What the-…" Laslow trailed off. He was used to crazy people. He was used to Peri's quirky, blood-filled flavor of insanity. But he was NOT used to…whatever this was.

"It's Friday, Peri!" he shouted.

Peri frowned and then placed her left hand over her red nose. She gave it a honk. "In that case…" "Laslow, do you know what Fridays are?" she asked.

Laslow slowly shook his head. He didn't want to know.

"Frisky Fridays!" Peri shrieked, tearing off her red nose and throwing it like a softball at the mercenary. Peri began to tear off her own shirt with her teeth, and Laslow hightailed it out of there, womanizing instincts be damned.

* * *

"At least with the weekly canine carnage, her insanity is predictable," Odin mused.

"And there are no clowns," Laslow added. "I hate clowns now."

"Ah, I see you two arrived," Xander said, walking up to the duo. "Has Felicia showed up yet?"

"I never left!" Outrealms Felicia responded.

Xander put two fingers on his head. "The _other_ Felicia."

"Oh," Outrealm Felicia said. "Hey, there's Jakob and the other me, walking here right now!"

Xander turned around to face the entrance to the ruins. Sure enough, the butler and the duplicate maid had arrived.

Jakob ran up towards the group, his mechanist puppet secured to his back with some hastily-tied rope. "Felicia informed me that Lord Corrin was in danger, so I made haste! What happened?"

"Corrin flew into the Dragon's Gate!" Outrealm Felicia responded. "He merged his replicated bodies, and then, Ka-POW! He flew straight into the Outrealms!"

"I figured we should have some backup before entering the Gate," Xander explained. "That's why I called for you and some of the retainers to assist."

Jakob nodded. "A wise choice. I will stop at nothing to keep Master Corrin safe."

"Well, is everyone packed?" asked Anna. "Are we ready to head out? Are there any questions before we leave?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to have tea sometime?" Laslow asked.

Odin slugged him in the shoulder. Anna glared at Laslow.

"Sorry," he winced. "Force of habit."

"Then let's head off!" Anna said. "Single-file line, please!"

Anna was the first to step inside the Gate, disappearing instantaneously. The others hesitantly approached it, slowly peering inside the swirling vortex.

Popping her head out of the vortex, Anna frowned. "Jeez, could you lot be any slower? Time is money, people! Hut, two, three, four! It's not going to bite." Her head popped back inside the Gate.

Xander hesitantly stepped inside the vortex, Siegfried in hand.

Laslow was the second to enter. "Eh, I've been in these things before," he mused. "They're not so bad." He jumped inside the swirl.

Odin hesitated, the two Felicias and the butler standing in line behind him. "W-wait!" he cried. "I have to think of a catchphrase to shout before I enter the fated Vortex of Doom!"

Jakob scoffed. "I don't have time for this," he said, and he pushed the mage into the portal.

Outrealm Felicia was next in line. She looked to her counterpart. "You can go first, Felicia," she said.

Normal Felicia giggled. "No, no, Felicia! You go ahead first, I insist!"

Outrealm Felicia snickered. "Beautiful ladies first!"

Normal Felicia tittered. "Then how about we both go together?" she asked. Outrealm Felicia nodded and held out her hand. The other maid grabbed it and they both slowly walked up the staircase, hand-in-hand.

Suddenly, they both had the same thought, and so both halted walking up the staircase and turned around to face Jakob.

"Oh, what is it _now_?" Jakob snapped.

The Felicias frowned. "Aren't you curious why there's two of me, Jakob?" they asked in unison.

Jakob scowled and walked up to the staircase, looking at their stupid, identical faces. "Lord Corrin is in danger. I do not, and I repeat, I do **_NOT,_** " he looked both Felicias in their despicable duplicated eyes, " _Give_. _A_. _Shit_." He shoved both of the maids into the void and brushed his hands together.

Jakob sighed, shaking his head. "The things I do for you, Lord Corrin…" He jumped into the portal.

* * *

"Where am I?"

Corrin was lying on his butt. Standing up and groaning, he looked at his surroundings, seeing the etched stone of the Dragon's Gate.

"Huh. I guess I ended up back here. Well, that's disappointing. I thought I'd have an exotic Outrealms adventure." Corrin shrugged, and began to head towards the treehouse.

"Just where do you think you're going, buddy?"

Corrin turned around. "Hey, Anna! It looks like your Dragon's Gate just spat me back out! Pretty lucky, huh?"

Anna put her index finger to her lips and frowned. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

Corrin shrugged. He began walking towards the plains of the Astral Realm. "Okay. See you later, Anna!"

"Bye, complete stranger!" she responded. "Have a nice day!"

"I don't remember Anna being so nice,'" Corrin said out loud. "Did the Gate truly spit me right back out? Wait…" He frowned. "Why do I care? Why am I saying all of this out loud?"

He shrugged, skipping towards his destination. "Only one way to find out!"

* * *

"Youuuu are the oceaaan's grey waaavees, destined to seek life juuust beyond the shooooore…" Corrin sung, skipping as he waltzed across the Astral Realm. Pausing, he frowned when he reached what had previously been his treehouse.

"Huh," he said. "Why is my treehouse a rod shop?" He looked at the sign, squinting. "Huh. Like… a fishing rod? I didn't know you could fish at camp!"

"Indeed, there are a great many things you appear to not know," a deep voice said. Suddenly, felt a sharpness on his throat. He looked down, only to see a metal throwing star pinned against his jugular. "And there is one thing _I_ do not know - namely, who the hell you are, newcomer."

In a flash, Corrin found himself kicked to the ground. "Answer the question," the voice growled. Corrin looked upwards to see the voice's source.

A man garbed in red with a blue scarf wrapped around his neck scowled. He had the scarf wrapped around his chin, preventing his mouth from showing.

"Hey, I know you!" Corrin said. "You're Kaze's angry, angsty brother!"

Saizo's scarf wiggled a little as he talked. "Indeed. And you shall be dead in a few moments unless you tell me who you are. I don't take too kindly to intruders wandering near Lady Corrin's tent."

"You don't take kindly to _anyone_ ," Corrin said. "You tried to kill me… I think."

"I don't recall."

"Yeah, well you did. No worries, though. Most people have, at some point or another." Corrin sat up and began to dust his bottom off. Saizo kicked the prince down again.

"Hey, come on, man. I just dusted my butt off, and you pushed me back onto the ground…" Corrin trailed off. "Oh, right! You wanted to know my name. I'm Corrin!"

Saizo shook his head, his scarf waving. "You aren't."

"Yes, I am! That's the name my mother gave me!"

"Your mother lies."

"My mother's dead, you cleavage-window wearing nin- _jerk_!"

"Your mother was a whore."

Corrin scowled. "How would you know?"

Saizo ignored this.

"Wait, I know this," Corrin said. "Duh, of course you'd know. My mother was the queen! You served Ryoma… I think. So, in a sense, you aided Mother. Regardless, you knew about her extramarital affairs that I'm only finding out about now."

"You dare speak ill of the queen?" Saizo asked. Against all odds, his scowl deepened.

"You were the one who called her a whore!" Corrin got up, dusted his cushy tushie off, and started walking away. "I swear, the nerve of some people…"

Saizo stared. This newcomer had spoken ill of the queen, called her promiscuous, and then casually brushed his ninja-ly awesomeness off. This new man wasn't even _intimidated_ by the angry act! How else could Saizo show he hated the world, if not by brooding?

The ninja shook his head. The disrespectful whelp would not last another second. Saizo jumped in the air and threw a Flame Shuriken at Corrin. Blood spurted out of the Corrin's neck, his body limping to the floor.

Saizo's scowl lessened, and he crossed his arms. "Done." He began to walk away.

"What the hell, dude?"

Saizo turned around to face the voice.

"I introduce myself, you call my mother a whore, and you make me retreat?" Corrin asked, storming over to Saizo.

Saizo looked to his left where Corrin's body still lay on the ground. He looked to his right at the angry prince. He looked again at the body. Then Corrin, then the body, ad infinitum.

"Hey, confusion. That's a new expression for you! You should try it more often, it's less depressing."

"…Did I not just kill you?"

"You made me retreat."

Saizo pointed to his left. "That's your corpse lying on the ground! Right there! See the green garb?"

"Yep. I see it."

"B-but… How…?"

"I just told you! I retreated."

Saizo shrugged. "If at first you do not succeed…" He threw another shuriken at Corrin, who fell flat on his face, dead as a cow in a roast-beef sandwich. The ninja smirked. "Heh…"

Corrin stormed up to Saizo, again. "Seriously, what the heck is wrong with you?" he cried. "I'm trying to be nice here!"

Saizo groaned. "Again?"

He threw a third Shuriken at Corrin, and prince once again fell atop the second corpse.

"Stop that!" Corrin shouted, re-entering the Astral Plane's green field. Another metal star embedded itself within his neck.

"Seriously, dude. Do this a few more times and I'll be really angry!"

 _Thunk._ Corrin's neck had a protruding ninja star.

Corrin sagged as he felt himself warp to the entrance of the Astral Realm yet again. "I guess I'll be here for a while…" Corrin groaned, a ninja star forcing his body to fall over in 'death' once more.

* * *

"Saizo!" Ryoma shouted. "What did I tell you about killing intruders on sight?"

The ninja struck Corrin in the neck, and then closed his eyes. "Ask for permission first?"

Ryoma frowned. "What? No! _Don't._ We're from peaceful Hoshido, not the power-hungry Nohr!"

"Hey, I resent that!" Corrin cried.

Ryoma looked at Corrin, then frowned. "Didn't our brooding ninja just kill you?"

Saizo shook his head. "I keep trying, but this vermin keeps insisting on coming back. This foe is nigh invincible."

Corrin hopped over a few corpses on his way over to greet the prince - his corpses, to be precise. "And _I_ keep trying to have a pleasant conversation with you, but you keep making me retreat!" He tripped over a corpse and faceplanted. "Ow."

Ryoma strolled over to Corrin and offered a hand up. "My apologies. My retainer has a bit of a temper." He glared at Saizo.

Corrin brushed some dirt off his legs with his hands. "I can certainly see that."

Silence permeated the air.

"So, um…are those corpses, err, yours?" Ryoma asked, gesturing to the roughly forty corpses garbed in green that were scattered on the field.

"Yeah." Corrin nodded. "I retreated."

"I don't think that sentence is the catchall that you appear to think it is."

"Perhaps." He shrugged. "Thanks for rescuing me, brother. No offense, but your retainer's kind of a dick."

Ryoma furrowed his brows. "'Brother?' I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, and he also called your mother a whore."

"HE DID WHAT?"

"I did no such thing, my Lord," Saizo responded.

"You called my mother a whore," Corrin said. "My mother is Mikoto. Mikoto is Ryoma's mother as well. Therefore, you called Ryoma's mother a whore."

Ryoma turned towards Corrin once more. "Wait, your mother was Mikoto?"

"Yes…?"

"That's impossible. I have three siblings." Ryoma started counting on his fingers. "Hinoka, Takumi, Sakura, and Corrin."

"Right. _I'm_ Corrin."

Ryoma frowned. "You resemble my sister, that's true, but you are not Corrin - any fool with eyes could see that much. Are you perhaps a relative?"

"I _am_ Corrin!"

Ryoma shook his head. "No, _that_ is Corrin," he said, pointing at the woman sprinting towards the trio.

"Hello, Ryoma!" Corrin said, walking up to Ryoma. "I was just talking to Takumi, and he gave me some peaches! Wasn't that just _peachy_ of him?"

She looked at the male Corrin and frowned. "Wait, who are…"

"You," the male Corrin finished finished.

Corrin got a good look at the dragon-woman. She was wearing grey armor, and had long greyish-white hair, like his. She had vivid red eyes, a pronounced bust, and a long blue cape that flowed from her back. Wearing a grey, metallic skirt with weird thigh openings, she was also barefooted, not unlike him.

"Well, fuck me!" the princess exclaimed, taking in the odd parallel-universe version of herself with her own red eyes. "We're the same person!"

"Gladly," Male Corrin responded, coughing.

"What?"

"Er, nothing."

She pursed her lips. "This is certainly...different, to say the least."

"Maybe we should take this somewhere else," Male Corrin suggested. "If I know an alternate-universe me, and believe me, I _know_ me, I'll want to examine all of my alternate gender differences."

Female Corrin glared and began to draw her Yato. "What makes you think I'll even let you within five feet of me, you perverted little scamp?"

Male Corrin threw his hands into the air like he just didn't care. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not like that!" he explained. "I meant, like, personality differences. Sheesh!"

Female Corrin put the blade back into its sheath and nodded. "Okay. That sounds fine."

"We can meet in our treehouse," Male Corrin said. He glanced at his apparently-female counterpart. "You…you do have a treehouse, right?"

Female Corrin nodded. "Of course."

"Okay, sweet." He began to walk with her towards the perched house in question.

Ryoma turned to Saizo. "I hate the Outrealms."

"I know the feeling," the ninja said, eyeing the forty-plus Corrin corpses on the ground.

Ryoma sighed. "I'll get the wheelbarrow."

* * *

Author's Notes:

Oh, boy! Shit's getting good. I freaking love Outrealms, parallel-universes, body-switching, time-travel, and alternate gender counterparts. They make for some really entertaining shenanigans. I think I've incorporated all of the above in one form or another. Odin and Lazlow count as time-travel by proxy, right?

The "fuck me" joke with the two Corrins is dedicated to all of the fan comics of Male and/or Female Corrin talking about how cute Female Corrin is. Seriously; I have an entire bookmark folder dedicated to it for use on /r/fireemblem! I'm guessing it's because canonical Female Corrin is prettier or something; I don't know. But it's funny, and so I incorporated it. Plus, and let's be honest here: who _wouldn't_ want to diddle themselves? And no one dare say Excellus; his raw beauty rivals Oliver's.

Oh, and the 'Peri killing dogs' thing? It _totally_ explains where that chapter 1 puppy came from. See? See? I'm _not_ just making all of this up as I go along!

...Okay, maybe I made that part up as I went along. Shut up.

Please review and give feedback!

See a typo? Leave a comment or PM! Love me? Leave a comment or PM! Hate my guts? Leave a comment or PM!

Edit as of 5/3/2016: Cleaned up some grammar; clarified some bits.

 **The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 6: Alternate Astral Realm**

* * *

"So, how many Einherjar can I buy?" Robin asked.

Selena, who was on duty at the Einherjar Shop, rolled her eyes. "How should I know?" she asked, scowling per usual. "Why don't you ask someone who works here?"

"You're sitting behind the counter. In the Einherjar Shop."

"Yeah. So? Anyone can sit behind a desk."

Robin frowned. "You're the only other person in the shop."

"Corrin's here." She pointed to the corner of the shop. Corrin was standing next to Kana and assaulting her with tickles.

"Papa, stop it!" Kana giggled. "That tickles!"

Corrin stopped his playful assault, closed his eyes, and thought about it for a few seconds. Nodding to himself and grinning, he resumed his onslaught, much to the young girl's glee. "Nah, I'd rather keep tickling you! This is too much fun!" The young girl attempted to squirm out of the prince's reach, giggling as childish squeals filled the room.

"See?" Selena said. "Corrin could be on duty."

"Corrin's _never_ on duty!" Robin replied. "He doesn't work at any of the shops."

Selena huffed and crossed her arms. "He should be! If Lady Camilla and I have to man the shop every so often, Corrin should, too! Even Lord Xander isn't exempt - and he's in line to be king!"

"I don't think _man_ is a good choice of verb in that context, Severa."

'Selena' gasped, holding a hand to her open mouth. She slapped Robin, tinting his cheeks pink. "Don't call me that here!" she whispered. "You never know who could be listening in."

Robin shook his head. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit. Now, could you _please_ just give me my gods-damned Einherjar and let me be on my way? I don't know if you've noticed, but I kind of have a war to attend to." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "...again."

" _Fine_. Which ones would you like?"

Robin eyed the shelves littered with cards. "Well, what've you got? Do you have a pamphlet or catalogue or something I can browse?"

Suddenly, Elise slammed the door open and burst into the entrance of the shop, panting. She shut the door and backed against it, snickering. "Hah! Corrin won't find me here!" she said, her blonde pigtails moist with sweat.

Corrin stopped the tickle attack on his youngest spawn and looked up. "Did someone call me?"

Elise just looked confused. "Corrin?" she asked. "Weren't you just at the Dragon's Gate? How did you get here so fast? Or, for that matter, know where I was?"

Corrin ignored her, focusing his attention on the tactician. "Robin, will you be okay here by yourself for a while? I think I'm going to merge my bodies and head to the Dragon's Gate for a bit."

Robin shrugged and waved his hand in Corrin's direction. "Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine." He began to thumb through an inventory packet Selena had handed him.

Corrin nodded, pleased with Robin's response.

Elise, meanwhile, remained confused. "Wait, Corrin, seriously, how _did_ you get-"

But before she could finish, Corrin ran up to the princess, tapped her on the shoulder, shouted, "Tag! You're it!" and disappeared in a flash of light.

"What," Elise muttered.

"The hell was that?" Selena exclaimed.

Robin licked his lips and turned the page of the pamphlet. He snickered. "Hey, they sell animals as Einherjar, too! Awwww, it's a kitty!"

Elise pouted and crossed her arms. "Will someone please tell me what's going on? I'm an adult! I deserve to know what's going on around here. Does it have something to do with the replicate thing from earlier?"

"Hey Elise, you want to ride dragon-me?" Kana suddenly asked.

"No!" Elise pouted, her bottom lip puffing up. "I won't rest until I figure out why Corrin is acting so weird!"

"We can blow things up with my fire breath. You can aim my dragon head while I blast things! It'll be like archery practice, except with pyrotechnics instead of arrows!"

Elise jumped up and down, completely having completely forgotten about her earlier objective. "Ooh, ooh! Okay! Can we try to aim for Laslow?"

"Huh. You know, I've been getting that request a lot recently. I think you're the third person to ask this week." Kana's face grew into an unbelievably wide grin. "So, okay!"

Elise clapped her hands together giddily and hopped onto her daughter-in-law's back.

Kana ran outside, hefted her Dragonstone into the air and transformed into a roaring silver beast. The duo flew off and started a misadventure.

Robin looked up from the catalogue and glanced at the scowling clerk. He glared at the children flying away into the distance. "I hate kids," he mumbled.

* * *

"Huh. I thought I'd feel different somehow," said Corrin, "but I feel the same as ever."

Xander shrugged. "Perhaps the re-merging of replicated bodies requires a cooldown period?"

Corrin shook his head. "I don't think so. The class's instruction manual didn't say anything about that."

"Maybe the distance has something to do with it, Corrin?" Outrealm Felicia asked. "Lord Xander stood beside himself, quite literally, before merging. On the other hand, you tried it from across the astral realm."

"It could be related to the length of time you've used it, Lord Corrin," Normal Felicia added. "In battle, mechanists usually only use the skill for a short period at a time, and Xander only used it for an hour or so. You've been replicated since this morning!"

Corrin put his right thumb and index finger on his (non-existent) beard and started stroking it in contemplation. "Hmm, fascinating," he said, trying to sound smart. "This crevice requires much forsooth inquiry."

"Look, I enjoy a good beard stroking as much as the next gal," Anna butted in, "but I think I know what's going on. Your maid was right, Corrin."

"Thank you!" Normal Felicia said.

"The _other_ maid. The Outrealm one."

"Oh."

Outrealm Felicia curtseyed. "Thank you, milady!" she chirped.

"Don't mention it, kiddo. Anyway, you're gonna want to stand back a tad. You ever used a tape measure?"

Corrin shook his head.

"A rubber band?"

"Nope," he replied.

"Elastic?"

"What's that?"

Anna's palm met her face. "Well, at least I found a new market," she mumbled. "Look, just stand back a little bit, okay? Your soul was split into two. Really soon it's going to ram back inside your body really, _really_ fast, and if you're not careful you'll ricochet off to who knows where!" She wiggled her fingers in the air to enhance the dramatic flair and really get her point across.

Corrin nodded, this time up and down in acknowledgement. "Ah, I get it!" he said. "So, when do you think it'll happen? It sounds fun! I've always wanted to fly!"

Outrealm Felicia gave him a pointed glare.

"In, er, human form," he amended.

Anna shrugged. "Honestly? I thought it would've already happened by now. Usually these kinds of things happen when you're least expecting… Oh, there he goes."

Corrin slammed backwards, flying through the air. "Someone caaaatch meeeeeee!" he wailed, flying into the swirling Outrealm portal.

"Hey! You can't go through there without payment!" Anna whined.

The Felicias put their hands to their mouths. "We've got trouble!" they shouted.

Anna turned to face the girls. "Hey, harmonious! Nice!" She whistled. "Unfortunately, now I have more important things to do than compliment good musical tempo. I have to rescue that prince!"

"I didn't peg you as the rescuing type," Xander said. "No offense intended."

The Anna assassin shrugged. "None taken. But if word gets out that people are getting through that Gate for free, then the _flood_ gates will open, and no one will take me seriously when I try and charge them an entry fee!"

"Wait, you don't own the Gate?" Outrealm Felicia asked. "B-but you charged me twenty gold to enter this Outrealm! At the time, I didn't even know what was happening!"

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about."

"But-"

"Look, do you want to rescue Corrin or not?"

"Of course! But-"

"Then shut your trap and get a move on!" Anna tugged on Outrealm Felicia's hand. The young maid twisted her torso and hand away, trying to escape the assassin's grip.

"L-let go of me!" she cried.

"Just come on! We don't have time to lose! Time is money!"

"Both of you, stop this!" Xander boomed. "You're acting like spoiled children."

Anna released her grip. Outrealm Felicia stopped struggling. Both women looked up at Xander, who suddenly seemed to have grown a few inches taller. "Before we rescue Corrin, we need a plan. We can't just march into unknown territory without any backup. Let me get my retainers before we continue on our journey." He started to walk away from the Gate.

"I can help!" said Normal Felicia. "Let me get Jakob." She rushed west to notify him.

A few tense seconds passed between Anna and Outrealm Felicia, each trying to avoid the other's eyes. Finally, someone spoke up.

"So," Anna said, "in your world, you married Corrin?"

"Uh-huh." Outrealm Felicia nodded.

"Isn't that kind of weird? You know, with him being your employer and all?"

Outrealm Felicia shook her head. "Oh, not at all! Corrin is the best husband a girl could ask for. He's so thoughtful, and caring, and sweet, and handsome…" She hesitated. "He can be a tad naïve, but he's just a big marshmallow, really."

"That's nice and dandy, but what about him being your boss? Isn't it kind of demeaning to have a partnership like that?"

Outrealm Felicia looked away and began clutching the sides of her dress. Anna could have sworn she saw blush lining the girl's cheeks. "I don't mind."

"Hold up a second here; you _don't mind_?" Anna started to get irritated. "Corrin has all the authority in the relationship; he's your boss! He could fire you at a moment's notice! He could order you to wash his feet, scrub the castle latrines, or worse if he was ever mad at you! That kind of power dynamic doesn't seem fair at all! How can you be okay with that?"

Felicia's face reddened more, and her fingers tightened against the dress's ridges. "I said I don't mind. And I'd prefer it if you stopped asking me these scandalous questions!"

Anna nodded, comprehension growing on her face. Her smile widened. She smirked, placing her finger on her ruby lips. "You don't happen to like the relationship _because_ of that, do you?"

Felicia's face was so ripe and red, one could have convinced Leo to eat it. "B-be quiet!" Outrealm Felicia wailed.

Anna giggled in response.

"Leave Felicia alone!" a voice rang out. "A woman that beautiful deserves to be respected!"

"Yes, leave her alone!" another voice cried. "Such a fair warrior deserves to be assaulted in the throes of battle, triumphing over foes, not verbally attacked by some devil-colored fiend!"

Anna's snicker quickly concluded, replaced by an impatient frown. She tapped her finger on her chin. "Oh, _great_. These guys."

A blonde-haired man in a revealing dark mage's outfit ran up to Anna. He was accompanied by a grey-haired man with golden earrings, a blue mercenary's sweater, and a silky smile that screamed 'sex appeal'.

Of course, any 'sex appeal' the Mercenary possibly possessed dropped tremendously the instant he opened his yapper, but that's neither here nor there, really.

"I…am Odin Dark!" the blonde boy, Odin, shouted. "And this is my fair companion Laslow - womanizer, dancer, and an esteemed mercenary!"

"I can introduce myself, you know," Laslow commented. "I do have a mouth."

"You're not dramatic enough!" said Odin. "It's so boring when you do it!"

"You're _too_ dramatic when you announce it!" Laslow retorted. "I don't mind a little creative flair, but 'womanizer', really? Was that necessary?"

"It wouldn't be if you wouldn't stop hitting on everything with a skirt!"

"Odin, I don't know if you've noticed, but most of the women in this army _don't have skirts!_ They have armor…plate…things! And I'm married!"

Odin frowned. "Then why are you chasing women?"

Laslow shrugged. "It's my shtick. Why do you still talk like you're in a low-budget play?"

"Because the darkness which runs throughout my veins craves vengeance against those who have sinned me!"

"…and?"

Odin's shoulders sagged. "And…it's kind of my thing. All right, all right. I see your point."

"Look, if you two are done leaning on the fourth wall, can we get down to business?" Anna asked tapping her foot impatiently.

"We're leaning on what now?" Laslow asked.

Anna pointedly ignored him. "What are _you_ doing here?" she asked, pointing at Odin. "Aren't you supposed to be the younger prince's retainer?"

"Peri was busy," was Odin's reply.

"She was in her…happy place…" Laslow elaborated.

"Her…happy place? What does that mean?" Outrealm Felicia inquired.

Laslow sighed. "Peri is in an enclosed fence…slaughtering dogs. Every week we round up the canines that are set to be euthanized, fence them in with her, and let her go nuts. We have an arrangement from the local animal shelter to get the death row dogs every Sunday. It tames her bloodlust and does the dirty work for the shelter."

Outrealm Felicia recoiled in horror. "Oh gods, that's horrifying!"

Laslow shrugged, indifferent. "It's better than the alternative."

* * *

 _A few months ago…_

"Gods, Peri!" Laslow shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Peri lay atop her bed in the soldier's bunks and wearing a one-piece pajama-esque suit that had oversized buttons sewn on and was multicolored. Her face was painted white with heavy eye makeup, and had a big honking red nose smack dab in the middle of her face.

"Greetings, Laslow!" she chirped. "I'm Peri the Clown! Would you like a huuuug?"

She moved towards the mercenary, grinning. Forcibly, she coddled him into a nice, warm hug.

Laslow whimpered.

"There, there," she said, stroking his back gently. "Shh. It's okay, baby. Cry it out."

Laslow sobbed into her shoulder.

"Now," she whispered into his ear, "here comes the fun part!"

Laslow suddenly felt something hard and very, VERY painful in his back. He yanked it out and screeched. "What the hell, Peri?" he asked. "You stabbed me with a knife!"

The clown giggled. "Of course, silly! It's a Tuesday! All Tuesdays are Stabby Tuesdays!"

"What the-…" Laslow trailed off. He was used to crazy people. He was used to Peri's quirky, blood-filled flavor of insanity. But he was NOT used to…whatever this was.

"It's Friday, Peri!" he shouted.

Peri frowned and then placed her left hand over her red nose. She gave it a honk. "In that case…" "Laslow, do you know what Fridays are?" she asked.

Laslow slowly shook his head. He didn't want to know.

"Frisky Fridays!" Peri shrieked, tearing off her red nose and throwing it like a softball at the mercenary. Peri began to tear off her own shirt with her teeth, and Laslow hightailed it out of there, womanizing instincts be damned.

* * *

"At least with the weekly canine carnage, her insanity is predictable," Odin mused.

"And there are no clowns," Laslow added. "I hate clowns now."

"Ah, I see you two arrived," Xander said, walking up to the duo. "Has Felicia showed up yet?"

"I never left!" Outrealms Felicia responded.

Xander put two fingers on his head. "The _other_ Felicia."

"Oh," Outrealm Felicia said. "Hey, there's Jakob and the other me, walking here right now!"

Xander turned around to face the entrance to the ruins. Sure enough, the butler and the duplicate maid had arrived.

Jakob ran up towards the group, his mechanist puppet secured to his back with some hastily-tied rope. "Felicia informed me that Lord Corrin was in danger, so I made haste! What happened?"

"Corrin flew into the Dragon's Gate!" Outrealm Felicia responded. "He merged his replicated bodies, and then, Ka-POW! He flew straight into the Outrealms!"

"I figured we should have some backup before entering the Gate," Xander explained. "That's why I called for you and some of the retainers to assist."

Jakob nodded. "A wise choice. I will stop at nothing to keep Master Corrin safe."

"Well, is everyone packed?" asked Anna. "Are we ready to head out? Are there any questions before we leave?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to have tea sometime?" Laslow asked.

Odin slugged him in the shoulder. Anna glared at Laslow.

"Sorry," he winced. "Force of habit."

"Then let's head off!" Anna said. "Single-file line, please!"

Anna was the first to step inside the Gate, disappearing instantaneously. The others hesitantly approached it, slowly peering inside the swirling vortex.

Popping her head out of the vortex, Anna frowned. "Jeez, could you lot be any slower? Time is money, people! Hut, two, three, four! It's not going to bite." Her head popped back inside the Gate.

Xander hesitantly stepped inside the vortex, Siegfried in hand.

Laslow was the second to enter. "Eh, I've been in these things before," he mused. "They're not so bad." He jumped inside the swirl.

Odin hesitated, the two Felicias and the butler standing in line behind him. "W-wait!" he cried. "I have to think of a catchphrase to shout before I enter the fated Vortex of Doom!"

Jakob scoffed. "I don't have time for this," he said, and he pushed the mage into the portal.

Outrealm Felicia was next in line. She looked to her counterpart. "You can go first, Felicia," she said.

Normal Felicia giggled. "No, no, Felicia! You go ahead first, I insist!"

Outrealm Felicia snickered. "Beautiful ladies first!"

Normal Felicia tittered. "Then how about we both go together?" she asked. Outrealm Felicia nodded and held out her hand. The other maid grabbed it and they both slowly walked up the staircase, hand-in-hand.

Suddenly, they both had the same thought, and so both halted walking up the staircase and turned around to face Jakob.

"Oh, what is it _now_?" Jakob snapped.

The Felicias frowned. "Aren't you curious why there's two of me, Jakob?" they asked in unison.

Jakob scowled and walked up to the staircase, looking at their stupid, identical faces. "Lord Corrin is in danger. I do not, and I repeat, I do **_NOT,_** " he looked both Felicias in their despicable duplicated eyes, " _Give_. _A_. _Shit_." He shoved both of the maids into the void and brushed his hands together.

Jakob sighed, shaking his head. "The things I do for you, Lord Corrin…" He jumped into the portal.

* * *

"Where am I?"

Corrin was lying on his butt. Standing up and groaning, he looked at his surroundings, seeing the etched stone of the Dragon's Gate.

"Huh. I guess I ended up back here. Well, that's disappointing. I thought I'd have an exotic Outrealms adventure." Corrin shrugged, and began to head towards the treehouse.

"Just where do you think you're going, buddy?"

Corrin turned around. "Hey, Anna! It looks like your Dragon's Gate just spat me back out! Pretty lucky, huh?"

Anna put her index finger to her lips and frowned. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

Corrin shrugged. He began walking towards the plains of the Astral Realm. "Okay. See you later, Anna!"

"Bye, complete stranger!" she responded. "Have a nice day!"

"I don't remember Anna being so nice,'" Corrin said out loud. "Did the Gate truly spit me right back out? Wait…" He frowned. "Why do I care? Why am I saying all of this out loud?"

He shrugged, skipping towards his destination. "Only one way to find out!"

* * *

"Youuuu are the oceaaan's grey waaavees, destined to seek life juuust beyond the shooooore…" Corrin sung, skipping as he waltzed across the Astral Realm. Pausing, he frowned when he reached what had previously been his treehouse.

"Huh," he said. "Why is my treehouse a rod shop?" He looked at the sign, squinting. "Huh. Like… a fishing rod? I didn't know you could fish at camp!"

"Indeed, there are a great many things you appear to not know," a deep voice said. Suddenly, felt a sharpness on his throat. He looked down, only to see a metal throwing star pinned against his jugular. "And there is one thing _I_ do not know - namely, who the hell you are, newcomer."

In a flash, Corrin found himself kicked to the ground. "Answer the question," the voice growled. Corrin looked upwards to see the voice's source.

A man garbed in red with a blue scarf wrapped around his neck scowled. He had the scarf wrapped around his chin, preventing his mouth from showing.

"Hey, I know you!" Corrin said. "You're Kaze's angry, angsty brother!"

Saizo's scarf wiggled a little as he talked. "Indeed. And you shall be dead in a few moments unless you tell me who you are. I don't take too kindly to intruders wandering near Lady Corrin's tent."

"You don't take kindly to _anyone_ ," Corrin said. "You tried to kill me… I think."

"I don't recall."

"Yeah, well you did. No worries, though. Most people have, at some point or another." Corrin sat up and began to dust his bottom off. Saizo kicked the prince down again.

"Hey, come on, man. I just dusted my butt off, and you pushed me back onto the ground…" Corrin trailed off. "Oh, right! You wanted to know my name. I'm Corrin!"

Saizo shook his head, his scarf waving. "You aren't."

"Yes, I am! That's the name my mother gave me!"

"Your mother lies."

"My mother's dead, you cleavage-window wearing nin- _jerk_!"

"Your mother was a whore."

Corrin scowled. "How would you know?"

Saizo ignored this.

"Wait, I know this," Corrin said. "Duh, of course you'd know. My mother was the queen! You served Ryoma… I think. So, in a sense, you aided Mother. Regardless, you knew about her extramarital affairs that I'm only finding out about now."

"You dare speak ill of the queen?" Saizo asked. Against all odds, his scowl deepened.

"You were the one who called her a whore!" Corrin got up, dusted his cushy tushie off, and started walking away. "I swear, the nerve of some people…"

Saizo stared. This newcomer had spoken ill of the queen, called her promiscuous, and then casually brushed his ninja-ly awesomeness off. This new man wasn't even _intimidated_ by the angry act! How else could Saizo show he hated the world, if not by brooding?

The ninja shook his head. The disrespectful whelp would not last another second. Saizo jumped in the air and threw a Flame Shuriken at Corrin. Blood spurted out of the Corrin's neck, his body limping to the floor.

Saizo's scowl lessened, and he crossed his arms. "Done." He began to walk away.

"What the hell, dude?"

Saizo turned around to face the voice.

"I introduce myself, you call my mother a whore, and you make me retreat?" Corrin asked, storming over to Saizo.

Saizo looked to his left where Corrin's body still lay on the ground. He looked to his right at the angry prince. He looked again at the body. Then Corrin, then the body, ad infinitum.

"Hey, confusion. That's a new expression for you! You should try it more often, it's less depressing."

"…Did I not just kill you?"

"You made me retreat."

Saizo pointed to his left. "That's your corpse lying on the ground! Right there! See the green garb?"

"Yep. I see it."

"B-but… How…?"

"I just told you! I retreated."

Saizo shrugged. "If at first you do not succeed…" He threw another shuriken at Corrin, who fell flat on his face, dead as a cow in a roast-beef sandwich. The ninja smirked. "Heh…"

Corrin stormed up to Saizo, again. "Seriously, what the heck is wrong with you?" he cried. "I'm trying to be nice here!"

Saizo groaned. "Again?"

He threw a third Shuriken at Corrin, and prince once again fell atop the second corpse.

"Stop that!" Corrin shouted, re-entering the Astral Plane's green field. Another metal star embedded itself within his neck.

"Seriously, dude. Do this a few more times and I'll be really angry!"

 _Thunk._ Corrin's neck had a protruding ninja star.

Corrin sagged as he felt himself warp to the entrance of the Astral Realm yet again. "I guess I'll be here for a while…" Corrin groaned, a ninja star forcing his body to fall over in 'death' once more.

* * *

"Saizo!" Ryoma shouted. "What did I tell you about killing intruders on sight?"

The ninja struck Corrin in the neck, and then closed his eyes. "Ask for permission first?"

Ryoma frowned. "What? No! _Don't._ We're from peaceful Hoshido, not the power-hungry Nohr!"

"Hey, I resent that!" Corrin cried.

Ryoma looked at Corrin, then frowned. "Didn't our brooding ninja just kill you?"

Saizo shook his head. "I keep trying, but this vermin keeps insisting on coming back. This foe is nigh invincible."

Corrin hopped over a few corpses on his way over to greet the prince - his corpses, to be precise. "And _I_ keep trying to have a pleasant conversation with you, but you keep making me retreat!" He tripped over a corpse and faceplanted. "Ow."

Ryoma strolled over to Corrin and offered a hand up. "My apologies. My retainer has a bit of a temper." He glared at Saizo.

Corrin brushed some dirt off his legs with his hands. "I can certainly see that."

Silence permeated the air.

"So, um…are those corpses, err, yours?" Ryoma asked, gesturing to the roughly forty corpses garbed in green that were scattered on the field.

"Yeah." Corrin nodded. "I retreated."

"I don't think that sentence is the catchall that you appear to think it is."

"Perhaps." He shrugged. "Thanks for rescuing me, brother. No offense, but your retainer's kind of a dick."

Ryoma furrowed his brows. "'Brother?' I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, and he also called your mother a whore."

"HE DID WHAT?"

"I did no such thing, my Lord," Saizo responded.

"You called my mother a whore," Corrin said. "My mother is Mikoto. Mikoto is Ryoma's mother as well. Therefore, you called Ryoma's mother a whore."

Ryoma turned towards Corrin once more. "Wait, your mother was Mikoto?"

"Yes…?"

"That's impossible. I have three siblings." Ryoma started counting on his fingers. "Hinoka, Takumi, Sakura, and Corrin."

"Right. _I'm_ Corrin."

Ryoma frowned. "You resemble my sister, that's true, but you are not Corrin - any fool with eyes could see that much. Are you perhaps a relative?"

"I _am_ Corrin!"

Ryoma shook his head. "No, _that_ is Corrin," he said, pointing at the woman sprinting towards the trio.

"Hello, Ryoma!" Corrin said, walking up to Ryoma. "I was just talking to Takumi, and he gave me some peaches! Wasn't that just _peachy_ of him?"

She looked at the male Corrin and frowned. "Wait, who are…"

"You," the male Corrin finished finished.

Corrin got a good look at the dragon-woman. She was wearing grey armor, and had long greyish-white hair, like his. She had vivid red eyes, a pronounced bust, and a long blue cape that flowed from her back. Wearing a grey, metallic skirt with weird thigh openings, she was also barefooted, not unlike him.

"Well, fuck me!" the princess exclaimed, taking in the odd parallel-universe version of herself with her own red eyes. "We're the same person!"

"Gladly," Male Corrin responded, coughing.

"What?"

"Er, nothing."

She pursed her lips. "This is certainly...different, to say the least."

"Maybe we should take this somewhere else," Male Corrin suggested. "If I know an alternate-universe me, and believe me, I _know_ me, I'll want to examine all of my alternate gender differences."

Female Corrin glared and began to draw her Yato. "What makes you think I'll even let you within five feet of me, you perverted little scamp?"

Male Corrin threw his hands into the air like he just didn't care. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not like that!" he explained. "I meant, like, personality differences. Sheesh!"

Female Corrin put the blade back into its sheath and nodded. "Okay. That sounds fine."

"We can meet in our treehouse," Male Corrin said. He glanced at his apparently-female counterpart. "You…you do have a treehouse, right?"

Female Corrin nodded. "Of course."

"Okay, sweet." He began to walk with her towards the perched house in question.

Ryoma turned to Saizo. "I hate the Outrealms."

"I know the feeling," the ninja said, eyeing the forty-plus Corrin corpses on the ground.

Ryoma sighed. "I'll get the wheelbarrow."

* * *

Author's Notes:

Oh, boy! Shit's getting good. I freaking love Outrealms, parallel-universes, body-switching, time-travel, and alternate gender counterparts. They make for some really entertaining shenanigans. I think I've incorporated all of the above in one form or another. Odin and Lazlow count as time-travel by proxy, right?

The "fuck me" joke with the two Corrins is dedicated to all of the fan comics of Male and/or Female Corrin talking about how cute Female Corrin is. Seriously; I have an entire bookmark folder dedicated to it for use on /r/fireemblem! I'm guessing it's because canonical Female Corrin is prettier or something; I don't know. But it's funny, and so I incorporated it. Plus, and let's be honest here: who _wouldn't_ want to diddle themselves? And no one dare say Excellus; his raw beauty rivals Oliver's.

Oh, and the 'Peri killing dogs' thing? It _totally_ explains where that chapter 1 puppy came from. See? See? I'm _not_ just making all of this up as I go along!

...Okay, maybe I made that part up as I went along. Shut up.

Please review and give feedback!

See a typo? Leave a comment or PM! Love me? Leave a comment or PM! Hate my guts? Leave a comment or PM!

Edit as of 5/3/2016: Cleaned up some grammar; clarified some bits.


	7. The Interdimensional Pathway

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 7: The Interdimensional Pathway**

* * *

"Whoa!" Odin breathed in. "This is epic!"

"Welcome, one and all, to the interdimensional pathway!" Anna shouted, her saleswoman pitch echoing all around the group. She paused, and then added, "You guys probably know it as the Outrealms, though."

The Outrealms were a continuous stream of green wavy lights flowing around the room, much like living ribbons. There was no floor, only more green wavy mist in its place, and the haze appeared to extend indefinitely.

Spaced every thirty feet or so on the sides of the pathway were round shimmering portals, each of which was a different shade of color. The portals had a circular swirl pattern embedded in them that was spinning clockwise at a high speed giving them an almost hypnotic glow.

Laslow hesitantly walked forward, a bit nervous about walking on a pathway entirely of green misty ribbons. "I don't remember the Outrealms being so _green_ ," he murmured. "I could've sworn they were blue."

"It matters not what hue it is!" said Odin. "The only matter of consequence is the mysterious ache which enters my mind upon visiting this realm!" He thrusted his hand into the air.

Outrealm Felicia's face scrunched up and she looked quizzically at Odin. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."

"…This place makes my head hurt," Odin explained, wilting.

Xander's grip remained tight on Siegfried. "I don't like it here."

Anna shrugged and walked forward. She placed her hand on her forehead like a visor and began to scan her surroundings. "I don't think anyone _does_. The Outrealms themselves are the real draw; the path between them is just that. What kind of psychopath would come to a creepy green void for a picnic?"

She pulled a red gadget and looked at it. "Anyone got a lock of Corrin's hair? If I put a possession of Corrin's onto the device, it can give me his HP, state of consciousness, and a rough estimate of his current location."

Normal Felicia pulled out a hairbrush from her pocket and plucked a strand from it, handing it to the assassin. "Here you go."

The group stared at Normal Felicia, who proceeded to puff up her bottom lip. "What?"

"I didn't actually expect anyone to have a hair sample," said Anna. "I thought I was going to have to use his dragonstone or something."

The maid sighed. "Corrin has me do his hair."

"That explains why his hair's so messy," Anna muttered (to Felicia's disapproval). She turned to place the hair strand on the gadget's screen. "Ah-ha! It's got a lock on him - he's alive and conscious. And the Outrealm he's in is… oh."

"What's the problem?" Laslow asked. "A frown doesn't suit such a pretty face."

Anna's eyes narrowed at the mercenary before she spoke up again. "It doesn't say where Corrin is. Apparently, this version of the software doesn't have Outrealm-locating support. That'll be included in the next firmware update, which will have…" Her face brightened. "Ooh, minor adjustments to overall system stability have been made to enhance the user experience."

"If your otherworldly device won't locate him, then how shall we find Lord Corrin?" Jakob asked. "I have chores to attend to, so I'd appreciate it if we could get this over with quickly."

The assassin shrugged. "Corrin can't have gone too far. Based on the speed he was flying through the portal, he only had enough forward momentum to bounce a few thousand feet or so. We'll just start with the first few Outrealm portals we see. He's bound to be in one of them."

"So we're going on a wild goose chase, then. Fabulous."

"That's the spirit!" Anna perkily replied, giving the steward two quick pats on the shoulder.

He grumbled, muttering something about "filthy hands", wiping his sleeve with a handkerchief.

Anna pointed to the closest portal, a crimson swirling void on her left. "Okay, gang," she said. "Let's try that one first!" Without warning, she leaped into the vortex.

Immediately, she ran back out of it, her hair aflame. "Yow!" she shouted. After a few frantic seconds of running around, the Felicias managed to douse the Anna's hair with their ice magic.

"Thanks!" she said, nodding to the Felicias. "Okay, Corrin's not in that one. Everything was on fire in that world. We should look for an Outrealm that's livable. You know, a place where the guy can remain conscious and, um…not die."

"Everything was on fire…?" Normal Felicia asked.

"Outrealms are independent universes," Anna explained. "Some have different laws of physics, some have alternate versions of the people that you already know," she gestured between the two Felicias, "and some Outrealms have everyone and everything on fire, apparently."

"In a world aflame, would the torture never cease?" Odin asked. "Would the pain of flame not condemn those who live in the heat to eternal torment?"

Anna tapped her chin. "What are you talking about?"

Inigo, sighing, clarified Owain's question. "He wants to know if it hurts the people in the fire world to live there."

Anna tapped her finger on her chin impatiently. "What, do I look like a Fire Outrealm expert to you? I'm just here to recover the prince, same as you folks. Now, which portal should we try next…?"

She pointed to the nearest Outrealm portal on her right - this one a buttery yellow. "Let's try that one!" the redhead yodeled, leaping into the golden void.

"Should we not scout the portals out _before_ diving in?" Odin whispered to Laslow.

"I think that's exactly what Anna's doing," Laslow replied with a shrug

Red hair burst out of the Outrealm, parting to reveal Anna's head, shoulders, then finally her legs. "Poisonous-gas-realm," she wheezed before fainting.

* * *

"Well then," Male Corrin said.

"…So," Female Corrin said, awkwardly twiddling her fingers.

They were inside Female Corrin's treehouse, each of the Corrins sitting on a chair placed adjacent to the tea table. They heard a knock at the door, and Jakob entered.

"Tea for milady," he said – bizarrely enough, giggling. He smiled and poured some into a cup for the female Corrin. He laughed, then poured some for her male counterpart. "Enjoy your time together, milady and milord!" he singsonged, exiting the room and slamming the door.

"Huh. Your Jakob's weird," Male Corrin mused.

"Jakob's not usually that friendly," Female Corrin responded, shrugging. "I guess he's just happy there are two of me. Honestly, he's always had a bit of a crush on me. Having two versions of his master must be a dream come true."

"Huh. See, my Jakob is kind of a prick to me, and was _still_ a prick when there were two of me. Maybe Jakob's sexist."

She shrugged.

"So…Hoshido, huh?" Male Corrin asked. He brought the teacup up to his lips.

"Mhm-hm. I didn't want to side with Garon after he initiated that attack on my mother."

He nodded. "Yeah, King Garon's a jerk. I hate that guy."

Female Corrin brought the tea to her mouth, and took a sip, extending her pinky. "Hm. If you don't like Garon, why did you choose Nohr?" She slurped the tea. "Was it so you could stay with your adoptive family? I know I miss Leo, Camilla, Elise, and, of course Xander so much."

Corrin sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "Sort of…?"

* * *

Xander and Ryoma were on opposing sides of the field. Soldiers stood nearby, ready to attack.

"This way!" Ryoma shouted. Takumi, Sakura, and Hinoka ran up to the prince of Hoshido's side.

"B-big brother?" Sakura asked hesitantly.

Elise sprinted next to Xander. "He's my brother!"

Xander looked at Corrin and offered a hand. " _We_ are your family."

Corrin looked between the two opposing families and sighed. "I…can't choose!"

Ryoma frowned. "Corrin, you _have_ to choose."

Xander nodded. "You need to pick a side, brother."

"Here, Cory-Cory-Cory!" Camilla cooed. "Choose Nohr!" She pulled out a muffin from her pocket.

"I'm not a puppy, Camilla," said Corrin. "Stop it."

"Are you sure?" she questioned. "You're about as cute as one! And I know how much you love my muffins…"

Corrin shook his head. "I really hope that's not supposed to be an innuendo… Fine, if you all want me to choose a side, then I'll do it my way. I'm gonna decide using the method I use for all of my important choices." He began rummaging through his armor, looking for something.

"With your heart?" Sakura offered hopefully.

The draconic prince shook his head. "Nope. With a coin!" He pulled out a gold bullion from his armor plates. "Heads or tails, Ryoma?"

Ryoma tilted his head inquisitively. "You're going to leave one of the most important decisions of your life…up to pure chance."

"Yep. Heads or tails?"

Takumi groaned loudly. "I'm not even sure I _want_ Corrin to choose us anymore," he mumbled.

"Tails!" Elise shouted. "Nohr for tails!"

"All right, then!" Corrin shouted, lifting his right hand with the coin upwards. "Stand back, everyone! Heads for Hoshido, tails for Nohr!"

"This is incredibly foolish," Leo groaned.

"Corrin, are you sure about this?" Jakob asked. "This seems rather…well, to put it bluntly, milord, very dumb. I mean, even for you, this is a record."

Corrin gave a lopsided grin. "When have I _ever_ done anything dumb, Jakob?"

The butler frowned. "Well…" He pulled out a piece of parchment.

"D-did you have that prepared in advance?"

He nodded. "I make a note on this list every time you do something incomprehensibly stupid – for insurance reasons, you see. Right now, it's at...twelve."

"That's not so bad."

"I started this particular list two hours ago."

"Oh."

Corrin turned to face the songstress. "Azura, what do you think?"

She shrugged. "Whatever you think is best. I trust your judgement."

Corrin giggled. "Okey-dokey, then! Let's do this thang!"

He threw the coin into the air. One could swear it sparkled as it flew in the air, shimmering in the light. The metallic rim bounced on the grass, the coin spinning on its side like a top.

Ryoma's entourage started cheering. "Ho-shi-do! Ho-shi-do! Ho-shi-do!"

Elise, Camilla, and Leo started encouraging the gods to choose their path. "Go Nohr! Go Nohr! Go Nohr!"

The draconic prince cheered for his preferred side as well. "Join Smash! Join Smash! Join... Wait, why didn't I just choose that in the first place? Damn. I guess it's too late to back out now."

The coin came to a slow halt on its side.

"Huh," Corrin said. "I'm so sorry, everyone. I have no choice but to refuse to pick a-"

A sudden burst of wind knocked the coin over.

"Hey, would you look at that - it's tails. Looks like I'm going with your side, Xander!"

"Yay!" Elise shouted, pulling Corrin into a hug. "We got our brother back!"

Takumi frowned. "Doesn't anyone find it suspicious that the coin was blown over by wind? It's a sunny day out!" He pointed at the sky. A little boy was trying desperately to fly a kite in the distance, only to fail miserably as the kite continually flopped along on the ground much like a fish out of water.

Takumi glared at Leo, who was whistling nonchalantly, a tome concealed behind his back.

Takumi scowled. "You! Nohrian Scum! You used a burst of wind from that tome to knock the coin over!"

Leo began humming.

"Seriously, that's not fair! You can't just change the result like that!" Takumi whined. "There was a 50/50 chance!"

"This game doesn't have true hit," Corrin corrected. "It was more like a 49/51 chance."

"We're not playing a game, filthy traitor!" Takumi raged. "This means war!"

Corrin sagged. "Don't remind me. I wish I was playing some Smash right now…"

Takumi blinked.

Leo started to sing.

 _"Youuuu are the ooooccean's grey waaaaves_

 _Destined to seeeeek,_

 _Life beyooond the shore, just out of reaaaach!"_

"Doesn't anybody know how to sing anything besides that stupid freaking song?" cried Takumi. "And why's a kid flying a kite in the middle of a battlefield, anyway? Does nothing here make sense?" He started kicking the field. "You're...making…me…kick…grass!"

Ryoma patted the angry prince on the back. "Don't worry about any of that, Takumi," he said. "Now, come with me! Last one to murder Corrin is a rotten egg!"

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Sakura whispered.

"Did you say something, Sakura?" Hinoka questioned.

"N-nothing…" she lamented quietly.

* * *

"You _flipped a coin_?" the female Corrin screeched at her male counterpart.

"Hey, I thought it was a good idea at the time!" he replied, his arms upright and assuming a defensive posture.

She rested her hand on her forehead and pinched it. "Gods. Are all of my male counterparts this airheaded?"

Male Corrin shrugged. "Beats me. You're the only alternate me I've met." He leaned back in his chair too far and fell on the ground with an "oof".

Female Corrin giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. "Are all of my counterparts this clumsy, too?" she asked, getting up from her chair and offering him a hand. He accepted it, helping himself upwards.

"Wow, your hands are really soft!" Male Corrin remarked. "What kind of lotion do you use?"

She frowned. "That's really personal, Corrin. You don't just say something like that to a complete stranger."

"But you're not a complete stranger!" he said. "We're the same person, only separated by gender!"

"And which faction we chose in this international war."

"Well, yeah, sure. But who cares about that? My point is, that other than the thingy between our legs," he gestured to his crotch, "and the two _other_ thingies between your shoulders," he said, as he gestured to her chest, "we're completely identical. We can confide our deepest, darkest secrets to each other with no judgement or repercussions because we'll feel the same way… Probably!"

"You're right, Corrin," she said, smiling. "I can trust you." Female Corrin's smile dipped a bit. "Gods, saying my own name sounds too weird. Can I maybe call you something else? Kamui, maybe?"

"Gesundheit."

"Huh?"

"You sneezed. Gesundheit."

"What, no, Kamui is… Look, never mind." She shook her head and her gorgeous, honeyed white hair waved to him as she moved.

Male Corrin could've sworn the hair was trying to seduce him.

" _Look at me,"_ the hair whispered. _"Aren't I so beautiful? Silky and soft, don't you just want to run your fingers through me, to feel my touch against your skin?"_

Corrin's hands gripped the bottom of his chair as he tried to resist the hair's enticement.

" _You've always had a thing for long hair, Corrin,"_ the hair teased. _"No wonder you love Azura so much. However, unlike Azura, I'm much smoother. And there's also much, much more of me and my soft, warm boingy goodness. In fact, I think I may be the largest pair of…bangs…in this whole Hoshidan camp!"_

Corrin was not fantasizing about Female Corrin's hair anymore.

' _I'm a married man_ ,' he tried to convince himself. " _Think about Garon bathing, think about Garon bathing…_ "

Garon appeared in Corrin's imagination and he smirked. His rippled, shimmering abs were just barely covered by the soapy bubbles and floating rubber duckies. "So, you've seen my _true_ form," the imaginary Garon said, winking. He raised his hand out of the water and flexed his taut, muscular arm.

' _Oh, no,_ ' Corrin moaned internally. _'He's hot!'_

* * *

"Well…how about that one?" Anna asked right before she jumped into another portal, only to return out of it soaking wet. She coughed, spitting out water. "Fish Outrealm," was all that was said, resulting in a simultaneous groan from the rest of the party.

"Isn't there a faster way to do this?" Laslow inquired. "Surely, if we split up, we can cover more portals faster."

Anna brought her hands around her ponytail and starting to wring the water from her red hair. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. There's no need for you all to trail around me. Let me know if you find anything."

"Very well," said Xander. "Laslow, pair with Odin and start checking the next portal on the right."

"I shan't disappoint you, Lord Xander!" Laslow affirmed.

"I shall use the sacred dragon blood in my veins to locate the lost draconic prince!" Odin exclaimed. The duo jogged over to a purple portal and hopped inside.

"Felicia and Felicia, you two can team up. Enter your next portal on the left; the pink one over there."

The maids squeaked and hugged, then grabbed hands and skipped inside the appropriate portal.

"That is probably the single most adorable thing I've ever seen," Anna observed.

"Truly," Jakob snarled. "It's so sickly sweet that I think I may need to wash my mouth out with soap."

"Jakob!" Xander boomed. "Since you've been such a positive role model to my dear brother, you can enter the second portal over there!" He pointed towards a brown, lethargically swirling portal. It sneezed and stopped spinning for a moment before finally coughing out a slimy liquid that vaguely resembled human saliva. The portal resumed its slow animation.

"D-did…did that portal just cough and sneeze?" Jakob asked, eyes wide. "My Lord, I don't think-"

"In you go!" Xander said, picking up the butler by the scruff of his cravat and tossing him into the shit-colored portal. He clasped his hands together.

"I never knew you could be so…emotive," Anna observed, raising an eyebrow.

Xander shrugged. "I can only maintain my 'dignified leader' persona for so long. I have feelings as well, they're just a bit harder to access." He thumped his chest with his fist. "Let's head in that one," he said, pointing to a rainbow-colored portal. The two crossed the threshold and entered the portal.

* * *

Inside the contents of the purple portal, Laslow punched Odin in the shoulder.

"Hey!" Odin whined as he began walking. "You punched me!"

"You brought up your ancestry!" Laslow bemoaned. "We agreed not to do that, lest we be discovered. Don't go spouting off information like that again!"

Odin waved the matter away and continued walking forward. "You worry too much. No one listens to my dramatic monologues. I could shout 'Greetings, travelers! My name isn't ODIN DARK, IT IS ACTUALLY OWAIN, SON OF LISSA AND LON'QU, AND I TRAVELED BACK IN TIME TO DEFEAT THE FELL DRAGON GRIMA!' and no one would bat an eye. No one takes anything I say seriously, see?"

Laslow halted in place and gulped. "Um…Odin?"

"Yes, my comrade?"

"You know how you said no one takes anything you say seriously?"

Odin sighed. "Did someone important just overhear what I said?"

Laslow slowly nodded. "There is one person who _does_ take everything you say seriously."

Odin raised his brows. "And who would that be?"

"Yourself."

Laslow pointed at the man in front of them, a dead-ringer for Odin.

The Odin in front of them was slack jawed, his blonde hair fluttering in the light breeze, as he tried to greet his alternate universe self. "W-what manner of sorcery is this?" the Odin managed to squeak out. He collapsed on the floor with a light thud.

Odin's and Laslow's eyes met, confirming they felt the same. Nodding slightly to each other, they immediately booked it in the direction opposite the alternate Odin, running towards the portal they entered in.

"Hark, can it be?" Odin asked, frantically patting the stone wall where they had entered. "The portal has vanished!"

"Let's try the other direction!" Laslow shouted. The two frantically scrambled in the opposite direction of the wall, this time _towards_ the comatose Odin, right before Laslow rammed his forehead into another man's, knocking the man over onto his rear.

"Hey, I was trying to practice my dancing!" the strange man whined, rubbing his forehead. He was wearing a mercenary's outfit and could've been Laslow's identical twin if Laslow _had_ one. The stranger looked upwards, only to see an alternate version of himself. "Oh, Naga," he groaned. "You're another Laslow, aren't you?"

"I thought we agreed not to use the "n" word anymore," Laslow grumbled.

"You may have," said the alternate Laslow, "but _I_ certainly didn't."

The two Laslows tried to avoid each other's eyes, reddening slightly.

Odin rolled his eyes. "Outrealmer Laslow, have you seen a draconic prince pass by this region?"

"You mean Corrin?" the Laslow asked. "No, he's out with Felicia beating up some Faceless for 'Experience Points'." He shrugged. "I haven't seen any other Corrins pass by here, and I've been dancing in this spot for the last few hours."

"Darn!" Odin proclaimed. Many thanks anyways, alternate version of my best friend!"

"Yeah," Laslow muttered. "Thanks, I guess. I hate meeting alternate versions of myself. It's weird."

"Tell me about it," alternate Laslow replied. He glanced upwards a bit, truly looking at himself, and he turned crimson. "G _ods_ ," he whispered. "Am I truly this gorgeous?"

Laslow blushed. He waved his hand downwards, dismissing the compliment. "You're not so bad yourself, you know," he said, winking while still blushing furiously.

Odin's Fell hand met its Fell face. "If you're finished stroking your ego, alternate Laslow, I have a question. Where is your world's Dragon's Gate? We're now aiming to venture back to the Outrealms."

The alternate Laslow pointed south. "That way. Just past the treehouse."

"Your assistance is greatly appreciated," Odin replied, dragging the blushing Laslow towards the indicated direction.

"It appears this world is a mirror image of ours, down to the hands," Laslow noted. "Did you notice he was left-handed?"

Laslow nodded, walking towards the indicated Gate. "That would explain why their Dragon's Gate is on the other side and not where we entered."

Odin shook his head. "Outrealms freak me out, man."

Laslow raised an eyebrow. "Did you just say something without being dramatic?"

"Hark! Thou art mistaken!"

"You can't just replace 'you' with old-sounding words and expect it to sound dramatic, _thou_ know."

"Shut up," said Odin. "At least I didn't start flirting with the other Odin." He walked up to the Dragon's Gate.

"True. You would've started reading play scripts with him if you'd gotten the chance. Remember baby Owain?"

Odin eyes did another 360, noticing an Anna as they approached the alternate Dragon's Gate.

The Anna guarding the Gate tapped her finger on her chin. "Oh, _great_. These guys."

"Hello, Anna," said Laslow, throwing Anna a pouch of gold and walking through the Gate. Odin followed. Anna began to fuss over the gold and the gate shimmered again, swallowing the duo.

* * *

Author's Notes:

So we have a plot now, kind of. Okay, so it's more like a collection of sub-plots, but…regardless, I hope it's entertaining.

I had most of this chapter written before I accidentally deleted about 25% of the document, so that was…fun. I did get some more ideas that way, though, and I think the end result flows better.

Writing Odin is fun, but my GOD am I glad to have a dictionary built-into Word. He's like a self-aware Miriel as far as word choice goes, yeesh.

As always, please comment and give feedback! If this is getting too confusing, let me know! I tried to make it not…confusing. If you see any typos, let me know! I try and get most of 'em, but I miss them occasionally.

And I should have the next chapter up pretty soon. This chapter was originally going to be about double the length, but then I realized that was stupid. Since they're sub-plots, I can just split 'em up!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	8. Odd Outrealms

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 8: Odd Outrealms**

* * *

"So, who do you like?" Female Corrin asked her counterpart.

Male Corrin was still tussling with the edge of his seat and trying not to succumb to his more primal desires. "W-what?" he managed to croak out. "Who do I like?"

"You know - who do you have a crush on?"

"I g-guess I want to crush Iago," Male Corrin managed to vocalize. He squirmed, trying to quench his raging hormones. "He's a dick."

 _Oh, great_ , he silently cursed. _Now I've got myself thinking about dicks!_

Niles appeared next to Garon in the imaginary bathtub, wearing nothing but a very revealing yellow banana hammock.

"Don't start without me!" Niles laughed, splashing soapy water at Garon. He lowered himself into the tub, squishing his tan body up against Garon's dark chocolatey figure.

Unlike Garon's side of the water, Niles's wasn't lined with bubbles, and, as such, didn't censor Niles' more _private_ areas. Garon's left hand gripped Niles' banana hammock and tugged at the strings holding it in place. It loosened and Garon's bathing suit fell.

"Ohhh, _yes_ ," Niles moaned as Garon began to-

"Boy Corrin? Helllloooo? Anyone in there?" Female Corrin leaned over on the tea table, using her elbows for support. She knocked three times on the top of his forehead. When he still didn't respond, his crimson eyes glazed over, she reared her palm back and let loose a slap.

"Ow!" Male Corrin whimpered, one his cheeks now painted red. "Why'd you do that?"

Female Corrin leapt back off the small table and into her seat. "You were zoning out. Now, come onnnnn! Tell me who you have a crush on! You said there'd be no secrets between us, and I'm curious to see who you like!" She corrected herself. "Who _we_ like."

"You want to know who I'm interested in romantically? _That's_ what a crush is? See, I thought you meant crush in the literal sense. Like, crushing an apple! Ka-pow!"

"You've lived this much of your life without knowing what a crush is? That's rather impressive, all things considered." She then crossed her arms over her rather voluminous bust, and Male Corrin flushed.

 _Damn it, Corrin!_ Male Corrin thought. _Think about anything besides your alternate self's boobs! Like her exposed, thick thighs, or her wide hips, culminating in a gigantic, probably firm but still somehow soft-_

"Marriage!" he squeaked, desperate for a topic change. "L-let's talk about marriage. I'm in one! That's who I like - my wife!"

Female Corrin raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" she inquired. "Who's the lucky lady?"

He began snapping his fingers frantically. "Damn it," he muttered. "Can't think of the name right now… Um, long hair, pretty, long legs, sings a lot…"

"Azur-"

"Yeah, that's it!" he interrupted. "Ass-zura!"

Female Corrin set down her teacup. "What?"

Her male counterpart shook his head. "I'm…er, I'm married to Azura. I don't know what came over me there." His face reddened.

Female Corrin put a hand on the male's forehead. "Are you feeling all right, other Corrin?"

"I-I think so?" he hesitantly replied. "I'm feeling a bit flushed. Maybe I'm coming down with something."

"Hm, maybe I have something in my medicine cabinet that will help," Female Corrin offered. She stood up and turned around to face the window, bending over and starting to rummage through a chestnut wooden trunk on the floor.

Unfortunately for Male Corrin, however, in his aroused and delusional state, an attractive woman bending over towards him was not helping to calm matters. _Especially_ a woman that he had previously been fantasizing about.

"Don't stare at her butt, don't stare at her butt," he muttered under his breath. "Turn around, girl Corrin! For the gods' sake….!"

She turned around and stared, bewildered, at the man who would have the audacity to comment on his own alternate ass. "Seriously?" she complained, shaking her head. "I thought I knew better than to leer at myself."

"Ah, crap. I said that out loud, didn't I?" He sighed. "Sorry. I'm feeling kinda out of it right now..." He paused, thinking. "Hang on just a second. If you're a girl version of me, and you have a great butt…" He turned around, pushing his rear towards the princess. "Does that mean _I_ have a great butt, too?"

Female Corrin blanched. "I'm not quite sure I feel comfortable answering that question," she said slowly. "Can we please talk about romance again? That route of conversation was less weird."

Male Corrin, shrugging and facing forwards once more, plopped back into his seat. "Fine by me. Now that I've shared who I like, I'm wondering who you want to do the naked Mumba with." He wiggled his snowy eyebrows. "Subaki?"

"Eh, he's attractive, sure, but he's pretty irritating. He's always talking about how flawless he is. But on the other hand, if he were truly perfect at _everything_ …" She trailed off, then. "Nope. No matter how great the sex is, it's not worth it."

"What about Kaze? He's really handsome and muscular, and he always gets gifts from women. Think of all the free stuff!"

Female Corrin shook her head, her long luxurious white hair waving.

Male Corrin bit his tongue.

"The man has a boob window," she said. "Who _does_ that?"

"This coming from 'unnecessary thigh window' herself?" Female Corrin glared at Male Corrin, and he grinned in response. "How about Jakob?"

"Gods no. He's devoted to the point of it being creepy. That sounds unhealthy."

"What about Shura, then?"

"Too old."

"Saizo?"

"Too broody." She paused. "I'm also pretty sure I saw him wheelbarrowing a pile of identical dead guys into the Dragon's Gate. Did he kill enemy dodeca-tuplets?"

"Hinata seems nice."

"He seems kind of young-looking. I like men who look like they've hit puberty."

"Yukimura's hit puberty."

"Who the hell is that?"

"Izana?"

"Again - who the hell is that?"

"What about Hayato? He seems…" Male Corrin frowned. "Well, he's a human male. So he's got that going for him."

Female Corrin scrunched her face. "I'm not a pedophile!"

A half-weeping cry of "I'm technically an adult!" could be heard through the Private Quarters's window. "My Bar Mitzvah was a whole month ago!"

Rolling her eyes, Female Corrin poked her head through said window and yelled back: "I _technically_ do not care!" She slammed the window mechanism downward. "Stupid kid."

Male Corrin scratched his hair. "Okay, then. What about Kaden?"

"Imagine all of the shedding! He has, like, ten tails!"

"I thought nine-tailed foxes had nine tails. It's, like, in the name."

Female Corrin slyly grinned. "That's not the type of tail I'm talking about."

"Heehee," Male Corrin giggled. "What about Silas?" He brought out a hand and started counting. "He's sweet, funny, ambitious, handsome, and extremely loyal. What's not to love?"

Female Corrin crossed her arms and exhaled. "I wish. He's already married to that blue-haired gal, Oboro."

"The Nohrian hater?"

"That's the one."

"Huh. That's either the best love story I've ever heard…or it's going to make some future therapist veeerrry wealthy." Male Corrin smirked. "Ryoma or Takumi?"

"Why would…?" Female Corrin was aghast. "They're my family! That's vile!"

"Hey, I don't judge." He bounced in his chair. "According to the wife, incest is 'in' nowadays!" Male Corrin placed his hands behind his head. "All the cool self-inserts are doing it. And let's be real - it's not like you've given me a great many options here. Unless…" He exposed his dragon fangs, smirking. "Perhaps instead of a lad, there's a special _lady_ in your life?"

Female Corrin's pale cheeks flushed. "Well, maybe there's a certain blue-haired woman I'm interested in…"

He squinted. "Blue, blue… Hm, why does that ring a bell?" His eyes suddenly burst out of their respective sockets. "Wait, dammit! I forgot to feed my fish!"

Male Corrin pulled out a tome from his pocket and opened it. The tome started making a series of successive beeping noises.

Female Corrin frowned, crossing her arms. "What in the hell is that thing?"

"A remote presence tome," Male Corrin explained. "Izana uses them so he can host exotic dancers without paying traveling fares."

"Sounds fancy."

Male Corrin held the book in front of his face, purposely concentrating the tome's field of vision exclusively on his person. "Would you mind moving out of the tome's field of vision?" he asked. "I want your appearance to be a surprise to my buddy. This is gonna be _hilarious_!"

Female Corrin backed away from the strange contraption.

* * *

The tome burst to life and projected a shimmering, two-dimensional image of Robin.

Robin wore his usual gothic cloak and was standing opposite an all-male crowd. He was in front of a surprisingly well-organized, temporary classroom. A small chalkboard could be seen behind his black robe, and various educational books were strewn about on the desks. A few of the Nohrian men were facing eagerly towards the tactician. However, most were just in various states of disinterest.

"Excuse me, sir Robin?" Silas asked, his hand raised. "What's that thing that just appeared behind you on the chalkboard?"

"Huh?" Robin muttered, turning around to face said chalkboard. "Oh, huh. It's a tome call from Corrin." He touched the chalkboard's surface, and the image of Corrin started to animate.

"Sup, class?" the Corrin on the chalkboard asked. "How's that mandatory sex ed lecture with Robin coming along?"

"'Sup," Robin greeted. "We just reviewed chapter 23 of the textbook."

"Which one was that, again?" Corrin asked. " _Invisible Ties: Vasectomy Hexes and You_ , right?"

"Oh, so he remembers _that_ , but he can't recall the ladies' Hot Spring bathing hours?" Leo muttered.

"Hey, I heard that!" the Corrin chalkboard countered.

"Love you too, brother."

"Just an FYI," said Corrin, "your shoe is untied."

"DAMN IT!" Leo started reaching down for his laces. Frowning, he looked at the chalkboard to see Corrin's hand over his mouth, trying to suppress a smirk. Leo sighed. "I don't have shoelaces, do I?"

The chalkboard Corrin giggled in response and looked over at Robin. "I'm _very_ mad at you," Corrin informed Robin.

Robin raised an eyebrow "You're…mad at me?"

"Yep." The image of Corrin snickered, quickly covering a hand over its mouth.

"Then why are you smiling?"

"I'm _always_ smiling!"

Robin sighed. "I think you'd get along well with an acquaintance of mine who has a similar tendency, but honestly, I'm worried what the two of you would accomplish." His face then broke out into a masochistic grin. "Actually, scratch that. It would be really fucking hilarious to watch shit hit the fan. Maybe I _should_ introduce you to Henry."

"Ac-quaint-ance?"

"Never mind. I'll use baby words. You said you were mad at me?"

Corrin nodded. His messy white hair sprung up and down as it were spring-loaded. "Ah. See, I'm actually so mad at you that I'm beside myself!" He rotated the active tome so both Corrins - male and female - were visible on the chalkboard screen. "Get it? Beside myself? It's a pun! I'm standing next to an alternate me!"

Robin's jaw hung open at the sight. This woman version of Corrin was _gorgeous_. She had a perfectly symmetrical face, ruby red eyes, a small perky nose, a pointed chin, shiny skin, long gorgeous locks, a larger-than-average breastplate, and _incredibly_ wide hips.

"Hello there!" Female Corrin greeted. "I'm still not quite sure what this gadget is, but the boy version of me says it's a remote communication tome of sorts." She waved. "Can you see me?"

Robin shut his mouth, patted down his coat, and then straightened his arched back, trying to look impressive for the babe. "Can I _ever_ ," he mumbled under his breath, grinning like Peri might after a fresh kill. "Naked Naga, Corrin! You make for the second hottest woman I've ever seen!"

Female Corrin narrowed her eyes at Robin, who was now exaggeratedly fanning himself with his hand. Niles dog whistled from the rear of the room.

"I know, right? I'm smoking hot!" Male Corrin bragged. "My ego's grown tenfold since I've met her!"

"I'll _bet_ it has!" Niles whooped.

An irate Silas punched him.

"Worth it," Niles moaned.

"Not like-" Male Corrin paused, tilting his head. "Okay, maybe a little like that."

Shigure grabbed a spare quill from the desk. He began to sketch out the concept of his father with an alternate, female form of himself – an opportunity like this could nary be wasted.

An amused Niles crawled up from the floor, whispering filthy suggestions into Shigure's untainted ear.

"I know I'll regret asking this," Silas said, "but now I'm curious: sir Robin, who was the _most_ attractive woman you've ever met?"

"Ah," Robin said. "I once wore a wig and proceeded to look in a mirror."

Silas slowly shook his head and slumped down into his desk. "I knew I would regret that," he muttered.

"Oh!" Male Corrin said. "Robin, before I forget: make sure to feed my fish today for me. I forgot to feed her this morning, and I don't think I'll make it in time for dinner. So if you could do it for me, that'd be fantastic."

Robin nodded. "I'll take care of it. Was that all?"

"Yep," Male Corrin affirmed. "That's it. Thanks, Roberigo."

"Bye!" Robin yelled. The handsome visages of both Corrins blinked out of the board.

* * *

Male Corrin waved his hand, and the image of Robin and his classroom dispersed into the air. Immediately, the audiovisual tome burst into flames. "Damn it!" he yelped. "Why does everything I love break?"

"If that's true, then I fear for your wife," Female Corrin murmured.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. You said you have a pet you forgot to feed? What kind of animal is it?"

Male Corrin grinned. "Yeah, I have a cute little pet fish."

"Well that's an easy pet, I suppose," Female Corrin said. "What type is she? What's her name?"

Male Corrin thought about this. "I think she's a koi," he slowly drawled. "A magical koi. For a fish, she's awfully…floaty?"

Female Corrin raised an eyebrow. "Pardon? 'Floaty?'"

His smile grew. "Yep! Leela's a magic fish. She floats and talks and stuff. I wonder if she was cursed by a witch or something. If I kiss her, do you think she'll turn into a person again? Was she a human first, or a fish first? Does it matter?"

"Wait a moment. A talking fish that floats? Does this fish happen to have a magic orb that it floats around with?"

"Hey, how'd you know?"

She sighed exasperatedly. "You're an idiot. Lilith's a _dragon_."

Male Corrin snapped his fingers. "Right, right - Lilith! That was it." He shook his head. "Forgot the name."

"How could you forget _Lilith_?" Female Corrin asked spoke softly.

Male Corrin got up from his seat and motioned his arm around her back, indicating he was willing to comfort the princess.

She fumed, shoving him off. "What the hell is wrong with you? Lilith saved our lives when we fell off that cliff, and you don't even have the decency to remember her name?"

"I do _so_ remember Linley's name!"

" _Linley_ is not a real name, and it's most certainly not Lilith's name!"

"Yeah, well neither is _Corrin Constant-Disappointment Smith_ , but that's what _my_ name is!"

Female Corrin blinked.

Male Corrin sighed. "Like I've said prior: King Garon's a dick."

"Now you're insulting my family, too?" Female Corrin screeched. "Why, I might just rip out your intestines and eat them for lunch!"

"Wha-huh? I thought we both hated Garon!"

"I certainly hate his _child_ , that's for sure." Female Corrin's voice became vaguely beastlike in tone.

"What's wrong with you?" Male Corrin asked. He got up from his seat and raised his hands defensively.

Her response was to break off a chair leg and start beating it against her gloved hand like a baseball bat. She growled.

"Let's just settle done now, shall we? M-maybe drink some more tea?" Male Corrin grabbed a cup off the table. He began to back away from the increasingly violent woman. "L-look! What a pleasant brew! How calming!" He put the lip of the cup to his mouth, his hand quivering in fear all the while.

He accidentally splashed some fluid onto his face, completely missing his mouth. "Mhm! De-licious!" Dropping the mug, the ceramic shattered into pieces.

Female Corrin walked closer towards her male counterpart, her wide hips swinging side to side as she stalked deliberately towards her prey.

 _Oh gods, this should not be turning me on,_ the Male Corrin thought as he prepared to be mauled to death. _At least my last thoughts will have been pretty hot._

Her hair shifted into a pair of horns as she intently stalked closer to Male Corrin. "Do you know exactly _what_ I plan on doing to you, _Corrin_?" she asked, fangs bared.

He quickly shook his head, trembling. "N-no," he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut. He covered his hands over his head in a shoddy attempt to spare his own life. "But please be quick."

She cackled. "Oh, it won't be _quick_ , Corrin. This will be long, hard, and _incredibly_ erotic."

"Wait, what?" Male Corrin opened his eyes in shock. Female Corrin pulled his guarding hands away from his face. "What are you – "MMMMMMMPHHH!"

A pair of lips intertwined with his, as Female Corrin shoved her male counterpart against the wall. She pinned his arms down, deepening the kiss.

"Oooooh," he moaned, inhaling softly.

* * *

"Oooooh!" a voice wailed in the distance. The Felicias exited the portal, bending their legs to soften their fall as they hit the ground.

"Where are we?" Normal Felicia questioned. "I mean, we're obviously in an Outrealm, but like… _Where_?"

Outrealm Felicia looked around. She saw the walls of the Dragon's Gate, but this one looked a tad more…abandoned, as if it hadn't been maintained in a while. There were cobwebs everywhere, and dust was in abundance. "Gross," she muttered. "I guess this Outrealm doesn't have any maids."

"Oooooh!" a voice moaned. "That would be correct! You are in the Ghoooossssstrealm, the place of floating monstrosities and eternal tormenttttt! There are no maids here, only ghoooosst maidsssss!"

"Stop doing that!" another voice shouted. "Every time we have guests, you scare them away. This is why we don't get visitors anymore, you dense freak."

"But it's so _fun_ to mess with mortals!" the first voice replied. "This place isn't called the Ghostrealm for nothing! We have to moan in eternal torment for eternity, else we-"

"You finish that sentence and you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Yes, dear," the first voice moaned dejectedly.

"What's going on?" Outrealm Felicia whispered.

"I have no idea, but it's kind of spooky," Normal Felicia whispered back.

"Ugh." A head of translucent red hair made itself visible. The torso appeared, and then the rest of Selena's body. The ghastly mercenary looked identical to regular Serena, save for that fact that she was floating a good five or so feet off the ground and semi-transparent

The ghost Selena was wearing her arms across her chest along with a frown. "Hmph. Sorry about that, I _guess_. My husband can be a bit… How shall we say…"

"Handsome?" Ghost Odin asked, appearing next to the Felicias and wiggling his translucent fingertips in the maids' shocked faces.

Selena rolled her ethereal eyes. The tiniest of smiles could be observed at the corners of her lips (if one were to take a powerful magnifying lens and carefully inspect the ridges). "I was _going_ to say _insufferably annoying_ , but…" She shrugged. "Anyway, you're in the Ghostrealm. Obviously."

She pulled out a spectral scroll out, reading from it. "Welcome to the Ghostrealm. Enjoy your spooky stay, yada yada yada. There's a pamphlet in the corner there." She pointed to a wooden shelf in the corner of the ruins. It had cobwebs and a plastic spider sitting on it.

"Creepy," said Normal Felicia. She looked at the spider and shivered.

"Ugh," Selena grimaced, floating over to the wooden booth. She tore the spiders and webs off.

"Poor spider," said Outrealm Felicia.

"Creepy, right?" Odin said, grinning at the Felicias. He wiggled his fingers. "I heard that the spiders can crawl in fell places when young women are sleeping. Supposedly, they like moist, dank places." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Moist, dank places not unlike-"

"ODIN!" Selena cried. "HAVE YOU BEEN HANGING AROUND WITH NILES AGAIN?"

He crossed his arms. "I was just going to say 'mouths'. Sheesh."

"There," Selena said grumpily, floating back over to the pair of maids. "The stupid plastic spiders and cobwebs are gone now. I swear… One of these days, Odin…"

She looked at the two maids and frowned. Not that she wasn't frowning normally, but this was a special variety of frown. Really, Selena had a whole gauntlet of various frowns to choose from, some displaying more anger than others - this spectral version of her was no different. "Hey, don't I know you two from somewhere?"

"We're Felicia!" they both chirped simultaneously.

"Huh. We've never gotten cloned visitors before," Odin remarked.

"We're not clones!" Normal Felicia explained. "We're parallel versions of the same person."

Selena sighed. "I hate the Outrealms."

Outrealm Felicia nodded. "I know the feeling."

"So, do you two want a tour or something?" Selena asked. She hesitated. "Not that I necessarily want to give you one. It's my job. I'm doing it because I have to!"

"Maybe," Normal Felicia said. "Do you think our Corrin could be around here?"

Outrealm Felicia grabbed a pamphlet from the rack and shrugged. "This realm seems livable, at least for a short while. Corrin could be somewhere here. It couldn't hurt to check."

Normal Felicia nodded, facing towards the undead duo. "Sure! We'd love a tour."

Selena started floating, leading the Felicias forward with Odin at her flank. She started to read, in a monotone voice, from the parchment.

"Here on the left, you will see our former bodies. We have set up a gravesite to commemorate our deaths. On most days, it is a passable spot for a picnic." She frowned. "We never have picnics here! We're undead! Why would we have a picnic when we can't eat? Who wrote this crap?"

"You did," Odin muttered under his (lack of) breath.

"What was that, _sweetie_?" Selena said innocently, batting her ethereal eyebrows.

"THE ACHING BLOOD WHICH AT ONE POINT RAN THROUGH MY VEINS SAYS… Uh… Nothing, dear."

Selena smirked and continued floating onward.

"This is going to be a weirrrdd day," Outrealm Felicia whispered.

Normal Felicia shrugged. "Isn't it always?"

Some ways behind the maids, at the entrance to the decrepit Dragon's Gate, a ghastly Anna materialized. "Ooh, we've never gotten two identical vessels before. I just can't _wait_ to see what Lord Corrin and Lady Azura think of this pair." She snapped her fingers, snickering, and the Outrealm portal behind her winked out of existence.

The Anna cackled madly.

* * *

Jakob tumbled out of the brown portal, groaning. He rubbed his eyes. "Lord Corrin, I dearly hope you're all right…"

"Well, howdy, partner!" Corrin greeted. Jakob recognized the voice easily.

"Lord Corrin!" he shouted, his features now in an uncharacteristic grin. His eyes were closed in unconditional happiness. "I simply can't believe I found you! We must inform the others at once!" He hesitated, and added, "We were so all so worried for your safety. Well, _I_ was, at any rate. I don't know about those other cretins."

"I'm sorry, corn again?" Corrin said. "I'm not sure I reckon what 'cher talking about there, pal."

Jakob's smiling facade broke. He opened his eyes.

…This wasn't Corrin.

A humanoid creature greeted the butler. It had large, spherical chunks of moist yellow kernels attached to its green leafy body.

At an astounding eight feet tall, calling the humanoid large would have been an understatement. It looked like it would taste stupendous boiled in a gigantic pot and buttered with a large helping of cream.

It was a man made entirely out of corn.

Like most things in his life, this disgusted Jakob.

"Howdy!" the corn creature repeated. "Mah name is Cornin, prince of Cornshido _and_ NoCorhn! What are ya doing in this here Cornrealm?"

Jakob blinked.

"Would ya like to meet mah daughter, Kornna?" Cornin asked. "She's certainly a real _Sweet Corn_!"

Jakob made no response.

"T-that's a variety of corn. Sweet Corn. Er, it was a corn pun." The starch grinned expectantly.

The butler stared.

Cornin shrugged. "Honestly, I'll be the first 'ter admit it - that last joke _was_ a tad corny."

"Nope," Jakob finally said. "Nope, nope, nope, nope." He turned around, started sprinting as fast as his legs could carry him, and leaped back into the poo-colored portal he had entered from.

Cornin, frowning, wrapped his leafy green stalks around his corn chest. "Dang it," he lamented, sitting down. "Why does no one ever 'git the _Sweet Corn_ pun? Was 'ol Pops-corn right? Am I truly just a laughingstalk?"

* * *

Author's Notes:

I want you all to know that I now have an internet search history composed of corn-related queries. I'm not proud of myself. But hey; it's better than having an internet history filled with cornography, right?

….Okay, I'm going to stop now.

The above stories may seem a bit disjointed, but rest assured, I have a plan and path for them in mind. They'll all conjoin eventually.

I realize this chapter may be a bit lewder than previous chapters, but I hope it was still PG-13. That's what I'm aiming for; the only reason the story is rated "M" is that this website's rating guidelines claim that based on the story's content, it should be. But they also claim that you're not supposed to write explicitly rule 34 stories, and I've seen plenty of those, so...

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

As always, leave feedback, please! Let me know if it seems to confusing or disjointed, or you notice a typo. I hate typos more than I hate compressed JPEGS, and believe me, I hate those a lot. Seriously; any typo, let me know, no matter how small it seems.

Edit as of 5/3/2016: The one line with Gunter was changed to Silas thanks to FEFan's observation.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	9. Self Seduction

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 9: Self Seduction**

* * *

Male Corrin leaned back further into the wall, surprised at the sudden forwardness from his female counterpart.

Stepping towards him, Female Corrin tried to deepen their kiss, attempting to turn it from a chaste one into the more sensual, sexy variation. However, she forgot to consider the shattered teacup that was lying on the floor, and as a result started screaming and flailing around -one of the ceramic pieces embedded itself inside her naked heel. She yanked the piece of teacup out and drooped.

"W-wait! Don't stop the smoochies!" Male Corrin complained. He dropped his hands to his side, dejected. "Aww, I was enjoying that."

Female Corrin leaned her head into her hands, contemplating. "I don't know what came over me," she admitted. "One moment I wanted to kill you, the next, I-I was consumed with lust. I would've torn you apart if given the chance!" She sighed. "I just don't understand what's been going on with me lately. The past hour I've been kind of…"

"Aroused?"

"I was going to say 'moody', but I suppose I'm feeling more… _temperamental_ than usual, yes." She tilted her head. "Is there something going on with you, too?"

Male Corrin nodded. "Yeah. I've been feeling kinda funky ever since I stepped foot in Hoshido," he admitted. "Not sure why." He looked at the ceiling. "But that may have something to do with being kil-I mean, retreating forty-plus times."

"Do you think it has to do with the two of us meeting?" Female Corrin asked. "We're both dragons. Maybe dragons aren't supposed to be near other dragons."

He shook his head. "Doubt it. My daughter's a dragon and I've never felt these weird feelings around her." He paused. "Well, I've felt weird feelings around her, like wanting to hug her and snuggle up with her. But that's probably just because she's so darn huggable!"

"It's probably just our nerves," Female Corrin concluded, wiping her mouth and sitting down on the floor next to her counterpart. "We're feeling confused and that's messing with our hormones.

He nodded. "Sure, why not. Hey, we should totally play a round of mini golf or darts or something. To cool off our hormones, see?"

"I think I'm fine now," she said. She frowned. "Wait just one minute. Did you say mini golf _and darts_?" Her crimson eyes narrowed as she gaped at him. "I know my flirting techniques, and asking to play minigolf and darts is definitely one of them. Are you coming on to me?"

"Shit," he muttered. "Didn't realize we'd have the same techniques for getting laid." He hesitated and added, "I guess that makes sense, though."

Her eyes were now so incredibly narrow and pointed, one could reasonably mistake the slits for snake eyes. "Aren't you married, _man_ Corrin?"

Male Corrin shrugged. "Yeah. What of it?"

"I'm not going to be a homewrecker," Female Corrin said indignantly.

"Hm…"

"…No matter how attractive I may find you," she added under her breath.

"I don't see what your treehouse has to do with this," Male Corrin confessed. "Why would you want to wreck it? It's got some quality woodwork." He knocked on the wooden floor. "Solid stuff. Reminds me of my own treehouse."

" _Of course_ it reminds you of your treehouse, you deranged draconic dunderhead!" she cried. "It _is_ your treehouse!"

Male Corrin's eyes lit up. "Wow! You're really taking the old ' _Mi casa es su casa_ ' saying to heart, huh? Thank you so very much!"

She slapped her palm to her face. "Let me clarify this for you, since you're apparently not getting the message: I'm not going to consciously ruin your marriage by having sex with you." Female Corrin sighed. "Gods, you are thick!"

Male Corrin grinned.

"Not that kind of thick."

"Dang it," he mumbled. "It's okay, though. Azura and I discussed it already. She gave me the go-ahead."

"I'm sorry. Did you just tell me that you've _already_ gotten consent to do the deed with an alternate, female version of yourself? And from your wife, no less?"

"You've never met Azura, have you?" Male Corrin mumbled.

Female Corrin raised her eyebrows.

" _My_ Azura," he corrected.

* * *

 _A few weeks ago…_

Corrin groaned as he took off his metal armor plates. He fell atop his silky soft bedcovers, lying his head down backwards into the comforting sheets. His wife sat next to him, dressed in naught but a simple white bathrobe.

"I always love it when you rush home to me," Azura said, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. "How was work today, dear?"

"Good," he replied, yawning, "if a bit tiring. I ran around going from castle to castle, seeing if anyone had peaches. I needed four for another bath towel. Then I killed some Faceless monsters - for experience, of course - at the Boo Camp. I slaughtered enough to get to level 20! I'm fully powered up, baby!" He flexed his arm to show off an impressive bicep bulge.

"You certainly _do_ love those bath towels," Azura noted, absentmindedly rubbing his 10-levels more experienced arm. "I've heard that going to a parallel world can be interesting. Supposedly, there are castles that exist in similar, yet not completely identical worlds."

Corrin sighed softly, intertwining his wife's fingers with his with his free hand. "Yeah, that all sounds nice in theory. However, most of the castles are cluttered. So much so that I had trouble walking through 'em. They were usually so incredibly full of junk, I couldn't see what was in front of me! It was _such_ a pain."

He grimaced, then perked up a little. "Luckily, I felt like I knew where I was going. It was almost as if some outside, unseen force was guiding me through the maze of Puppets and Stoneborn. Honestly? It kind of freaked me out."

"Imagine how crazy that would be," Azura verbally pondered. "If someone could control our every action like some sort of twisted puppet."

"That'd be nuts!" Corrin replied, grinning. "Hey, what would you do if you had that kind of power? Personally, I'd use it to mess with people. Imagine if Leo and his horse suddenly started passionately making out! Oh, the heads that would turn!"

Azura gave a soft smile. "I wouldn't want to interfere in people's lives. I wouldn't use that kind of power, even if I had the ability to."

Corrin raised a milky-white eyebrow.

Azura conceded, drooping her shoulders. "I suppose I'd pair people up," she admitted. "Niles and Camilla would be just _perfect_ together! Think of the cute, strangely sexual children they'd have!"

"They would be an adorable couple," Corrin admitted. "But not as cute as us!"

"You're cute with anyone," Azura said, smiling. "I'd assume."

Corrin nodded. "So are you, dear." He started bouncing on the bed. "Hey, guess who I met today in one of the parallel castles?"

Azura tilted her head, long blue strands falling to the wayside. "Who?"

"Kana!" Corrin said. He hesitated. "Okay, well, not _our_ Kana. It was some guy that looked identical to our daughter, except this Kana was a boy. It was…interesting."

"Wow," Azura said. "You met an alternate version of our daughter?"

Corrin leaned back on the bed. "I guess so. I didn't talk to him much. He was kind of annoying, all things considered."

Azura leaned back on the bed, rubbing his back. "How intriguing. Just think - there could be a parallel version of me or you out there masquerading as the opposite gender."

Corrin put his hands behind his head, lying down on his pillow to face his wife. "Yep, could be. But there also could also be a version of me with a silly hairstyle. Anything's possible in the Outrealms. Though I think Shigure is pretty close to a male version of you and Kana's more or less a small, girly version of me."

"Kana's not all that girly," Azura noted. "She usually plays with Percy."

"Not that there's many other kids her age to play with, courtesy of the Deeprealms."

"Very true," she conceded. "Regardless, the fact of the matter is that if I ever met a male version of myself that wasn't related to me, I'd make love to him."

Corrin lifted his head up, startling his wife in the process. "What the hell, Azura?" he asked, frowning. "You'd cheat on me? And with yourself, no less?"

Azura smiled, rolling her eyes. She began to stroke the back of his soft white hair, his body reflexively melting back on top of the bedsheets. "It's not cheating, love. Parallel universe versions of yourself are just that; they're versions of you. I'd extend the same courtesy to a parallel Corrin, of course." She smiled, and amended with a wink, "As long as we can swap when we're done."

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "Hm?"

"You know, like I engage with the female Corrin, and you engage with the male Azura. Swapping partners."

Corrin nodded. "Ah, I see. Okay." He frowned. "Hey, have you been chilling with Niles lately?"

"Why do you ask?"

"No one else has all these weird sex ideas," he explained. "Like, whenever I gain a new battle skill, you always want to play around with it in the bedroom. I mean, the first time I hit level 10 and brought up dragon fang…"

Azura tittered. "That was a fun night," she recalled fondly. "But no, these ideas are my creation alone." She ran her index finger down his chest and rubbed it in circles. "Maybe we could try that Dragon Fang thing again…?"

Corrin released a dramatic yawn. "Maybe some other time, dear," he said. "I'm not really interested in boinking right now. I just had a long day of work, and I'm pretty tuckered out."

Azura simply giggled in response. She started running a hand through her long blue hair, pushing the soft strands outwards. Corrin opened his jaw, a droplet of drool falling out. "Stop that," he muttered.

"Stop what?" Azura said, curling the hair strands around her finger like one might a fork full of sexy spaghetti. "I must admit, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.'"

"You know exactly what you're doing," he grumbled. "For once in my life, can I not have a conversation alone with you _without_ wanting to take you to pound town…?"

Azura's smile grew as she grabbed a section of hair and began to rub it on his face, indulging him in the sweet scent of the ocean. Corrin's face started to flush.

"I w-won't surrender," Corrin said, now visibly twitching. His left leg started shaking on the bed. "Dammit, I thought I had self-control!"

Azura responded by brushing her hair with her hand again.

"S-stop," he moaned. "Must…not…engage…with…wife…"

Azura whispered: "Long, blue hair."

Corrin's mental restraints collapsed. He started passionately kissing his wife, and she met his lips with a similar enthusiasm.

* * *

"Your wife is weird," Female Corrin noted.

Male Corrin agreed. "It's always the nice ones that are the freakiest in bed."

"How would you know?"

"Well, how do you Azura was my first, huh?" he countered. "I could've gotten laid with tons of people before I started dating Azura!"

Female Corrin raised an eyebrow. "You dated Azura?"

He faltered. "We were engaged for, like, a month before we got married. That counts as dating, right?" Male Corrin then straightened his back. "Anyways, I've had tons of sex! With tons of people!"

Female Corrin tilted her head. "Oh? Like who?"

He avoided her eyes, his grin faltering. He scratched his head.

Female Corrin's smile grew wider.

"Shut up," he murmured. "Well, who have you had done it with, then, if you're the sexpert?"

Female Corrin smirked. "Rhajat."

"Gesundheit."

"What? No, Rhajat is the name of a woman friend of mine." She paused, and then retroactively added, "who I had sex with."

He rolled his eyes. "Same-gender S-Supports? I'll believe it when I see it. What, are you gonna tell me you did it with your Azura, too?" He stole her teacup with his hand and took a prolonged sip of the liquid.

Female Corrin sheepishly grinned, touching her fingertips against each other. "Maaaaayyyybe."

Male Corrin stopped chugging the tea. He simply stared at her, his cheeks now filled with tea and bulging outwards like an obese chipmunk.

" _Please_ do not spit-take," she pleaded. "I just wiped the floor."

Instead of spit-taking, he opened his mouth suddenly and widely, resulting in the oily tea falling onto the wooden floor. He gawked. "You had sex with my _wife_?"

"And you managed to ruin the flooring regardless," she commented, scowling.

"You lucky bastard," Male Corrin said, awed and humbled.

She looked up at him. "Why? Aren't you married to her?"

"Yeah, but it's much cooler when you do it. You're a chick! That like, makes it twice as hot!"

Female Corrin sighed loudly. "That's… That's not how it works."

"It is for me."

"Don't ruin this for me." Female Corrin reached her arms around her back, slipping her metal armor top off to reveal a simple semi-transparent white chemise. "Well?" she asked.

Male Corrin's mouth hung agape.

"Are we gonna do this or what?" she asked, tilting her head.

Male Corrin grinned foolishly, a dreamy look in his eyes. "Mhmmm… Alternate self boobies…"

* * *

Anna and the Nohrian prince tumbled out of the portal, landing on each other in a heap. Groaning, Xander used his free hands to push himself partially off her and half onto the ground. He stopped pulling himself up when he found another instance of Anna sitting cross-legged next to the Dragon's Gate staring somewhat quizzically at him.

"You're another Anna?" Xander asked hesitantly. "Are you an Outrealm clone as well?"

The Anna shook her head. Her ponytail shook. "Nope. I'm just Anna."

Xander tilted his luxuriously-combed head. "Pardon?"

"Get your muscular leg off me, Xander!" the riley redhead below him moaned, standing up and patting the dirt off her clothing. "Oh. Hello, Anna."

"Hi, Anna," the other redhead replied nonchalantly, flipping a gold coin and catching it in between her index finger and thumb. "What's up?"

Xander looked between the two women. He looked to the Anna on the left: red hair, a ponytail, and a pretty, young-looking face. He looked to his right: red hair, the same style of ponytail, and the exact same face!

The Anna that had arrived with him was in a different outfit, however; she was wearing an assassin's garb. This Dragon's Gate Anna was clothed in merchant's wear.

"The two of you are identical!" Xander exclaimed. "Are you siblings? Enherjeer?" He pointed at the merchant Anna.

"Einherjar," the merchant Anna corrected. "And, nope. I'm just Anna."

The royal frowned. "We've established that. It's a pleasant name, all things considered. However, I'm more concerned that there are carbon copies of the same person standing in front of me, but no one's batting an eyelash. Would you not say that's odd?"

"What are you saying, pal? You trying to tell me all Annas look the same to you?" the assassin Anna said, frowning.

"Of course," Xander replied. "The two of you are identical from head to toe!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," the merchant Anna replied. "You're clearly seeing things."

The assassin Anna nodded. "Yeah, we look nothing alike. Are you sure you didn't use the replicate skill before entering the portal? I've heard that splitting oneself before entering portals can really mess a guy up."

Xander frowned. "I'm not…" He trailed off. His eyebrows angled, and he shook his head, a look of determination appearing on his features. "You know what? No!" He scowled. "Can't I meet a single person who _doesn't_ have a duplicate? Outrealms, Einherjar, Replicas, and Annas… Oh my…"

The merchant Anna raised an eyebrow. "What's his problem?"

The assassin Anna shrugged. "I think he's just like that. By the by, have you seen a white-haired guy pass by here? He's kind of annoying and oves to hear himself talk."

"Yeah, he passed by here about an hour ago," the merchant Anna replied. "I think he was singing about the ocean."

Assassin Anna perked up and elbowed Xander. "Xander, did you hear that? Our Corrin's here!"

The prince raised his head. "Then we must proceed!" He grabbed the assassin's hand and yanked her towards the Astral Plane.

"Hey, there's no need to grab! Sheesh, so handsy!" the assassin Anna yelped, releasing her paw from his grip. "I can walk fine on my own." She used her hand as a makeshift visor and squinted as she looked across the fields of the Astral Plane. "Hey, wait a moment. In the distance, isn't that…?"

"Xander?" Ryoma screeched. "What the hell are you doing here, Nohrian scum?"

Xander bared his teeth. "Ryoma, the Hoshidian prince? Come at me!"

Anna sighed. "This could get ugly."

* * *

Author's Notes:

The Felicia Ghostrealm story will continue next time! The Corrin(s) arc is wrapping up.

I had a bit more trouble with this chapter, trying to make it funny and having the two Corrins talk about sex, but trying to not ACTUALLY using the s-word.

Honestly, I think this chapter had the most rewrites of any chapter yet. I had some good ideas, some bad. Mostly bad.

In the end, I relented and used the word "sex" six times. There's only so much one can use the word "boinking" before it starts to sound a bit ridiculous.

Also, fun fact: The game DOES use the word "Hoshidan"! I thought it only used "Nohrian", but no, it does use the counterpart.


	10. The Mechanist Who Shagged Me

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 10: The Mechanist Who Shagged Me**

* * *

Ryoma's face scrunched up. "Xander? What the hell are you doing here in my castle, Nohrian scum?"

"Oh, like _that_ line isn't overused!" Xander screamed, marching up to the Hoshidan prince's spot and staring him intensely in the face. He tensed his brows. "Try thinking up an original insult for once, dumb decapod!"

"Same applies to you, blonde bastard!" Ryoma yelled. "Do you think you're the first person to compare me to a lobster? Did you think that was clever? Huh, punk? I'm not blind, you know. I'm well-aware that I wear red armor. And yes, I _do_ have a personality that's reminiscent of a lobster!"

Xander and Ryoma intensely glared at one another.

Anna grinned, seeing the business opportunity that was now unfolding itself right in front of her eyes. "I may be a retired businesswoman, but I'm still an Anna, damn it! And this situation is just asking for a little of the old family business!"

She pulled out a pair of spectacles, a pre-inked quill, and a ledger from somewhere on her outfit and started to shout. "Xander versus Ryoma," she called, "the fight you've all been waiting for! I'm taking all bets! Which prince will pummel the other? Place your vote with your wallets today!"

Takumi, who was walking by with Oboro and whistling nonchalantly, stopped dead in his tracks. "Twenty gold on Ryoma!" he offered, slapping the coins into the redhead's hand.

She grinned. "Wow, I've never seen anyone give me gold with such gusto. Thanks!"

Takumi beamed. "Of _course_ I'd be the best at that."

"Hey, I never said you were 'the best'," Anna said, earning a reproachful glare from Takumi. "It's… It's handing someone money, kid. It's not really something people can exceed at."

Takumi frowned. "Why are you calling me kid? I'm the same age as you."

Anna twirled her ponytail. "I'm not your Anna, sport." She pinched a section of her clothing, pulling it outwards. "See? Different outfit, different age. Probably."

"Oh," Takumi said. He frowned.

"Hey, did I overhear someone say they were the best at something?" Subaki interrupted, butting into the archer's side (and conversation). "Because I know I can beat them at it. I'm the best at _everything_."

"Do you mind? We were in the middle of something."

"No," said Anna. "We weren't."

"Anyway," Takumi said. "Everyone knows, Subaki. You think you're-"

"Perfect," he finished. "It's my favorite word."

"I'm aware," Takumi replied, sighing softly.

"Hello, fellow redhead!" Anna said. "You want to place a bet? Ryoma and Xander are about to beat each other up. Who do you think will win the melee? First prince to knock out the other wins!"

Subaki raised an eyebrow. "Xander? Isn't he the Nohrian commander?"

"No, Garon's in charge," Takumi said. "Prince Xander is King Garon's son."

Subaki frowned. "How would you know?"

Takumi shrugged. "Unlike _some_ people, I actually keep up to date on politics."

Anna tapped her chin. "Could you two save the not-so-witty banter for later, please? I'm trying to make a profit here. Mr. Redhead, are you going to place a bet or not?"

"Not a chance," said Subaki. "I don't play games of, well, chance. If I make a bet, I have a chance of losing. And perfection does _not_ lose."

"That's not what Hana told me," Takumi said, smirking. "Apparently, you lost _something_ last night."

Subaki raised an eyebrow.

"You know…your virginity," Takumi elaborated, reddening slightly. "You _lost_ your virginity. Finally, you lost at _something!_ Haha!"

Subaki sighed. "Firstly, Lord Takumi, that's not an insult. If anything, that's a compliment. Many men brag about their sexual conquests."

"Mmhm. _Suuure_ ," Takumi replied, smirking. "That's precisely what a loser would say."

"And secondly," Subaki said, "how would Hana even know about that?"

Takumi frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't sleep with Hana. She's not my type." Subaki tapped his chin, struggling to hide an emerging grin. "I wonder, though… Who would Hana get this particular morsel of gossip from?"

Takumi raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, one of the many women in our army? Don't women chat about these things? Wait, did _you_ tell Hana? "

"Of course not!" Subaki said a bit too defensively. "I don't brag! But Hana isn't a very sociable woman. She only talks to training partners and Sakura. Odd. I don't know where she would've heard that information."

Takumi rolled his eyes. "You're bragging right _now,_ Subaki. And the answer's obvious: Sakura told Hana."

"That's very likely," Subaki said. "Well, it could be if Sakura weren't deathly shy. Why, the cute little redhead rarely talks to even Lady Corrin! The only others she socializes with are Hinoka, Ryoma, you, myself, and Hana."

Takumi frowned. He eyed Subaki suspiciously. "Wait a minute, here…. 'cute little redhead'? And… Hang on. Why didn't you didn't use honorifics when referring to my sister? You've always called her 'Lady Sakura', even before she was of…marriageable…age…" He trailed off.

Subaki wiggled his eyebrows, grinning a brilliantly blinding smile. He yawned, lazily putting his arms over his head. This revealed a sparkly golden band sitting atop his ring finger.

" _Son of a bitch!_ " Takumi yelled, having put the pieces of the puzzle together. "You slept with _Sakura_?!"

Subaki ran a few meters away, where his mount stood stationary, stretching its wings. He jumped on his pegasus's saddle and started flying around on it, taunting Takumi in the air by flying circles on it. "You can't kill me while I'm in the skies above, _new_ _brother_!"

"I'm an archer, idiot!" Takumi said. "I can just shoot you down with my yumi!"

"You can't hit perfection!" Subaki goaded, dodging incoming arrows whizzing past him. He did a loop-de-loop in the air, enraging the angered prince further.

Takumi's left eye started twitching. He started walking up towards the hovering pegasus with Subaki, the yumi aimed at his face. Subaki only grinned, lifting his arms up in mock surrender.

Takumi loosed the arrow only to find that his bow refused to let the volley loose. "I-I can't," he admitted, defeated.

Subaki smiled. "Can't bring yourself to shoot your soon to be brother-in-law, eh?" he called out.

"Nope!" Takumi said, now a good thirty feet or so away from Subaki. "Archers can't shoot from an adjacent position! I can certainly hit you now, though!"

Subaki's grin quickly dissipated. He gulped. "Oh, son of a bi-…No, wait! Perfect soldiers don't swear…"

* * *

Silence permeated the air. The two Corrins were both on top of the bed, lying next to each other. They were both naked, their jiggly bits on display.

Female Corrin exhaled. "That was…interesting."

"That was the worst sex I've ever had," Male Corrin said. "I'm sorry, but gods damn if that wasn't some of the most boring ten minutes of my life. There was no excitement! No surprise! It was like doing it with my replicated body! I mean, I'm assuming. I haven't had time to try that. Yet. It's definitely on my to-do list, though."

Female Corrin exhaled. "Oh, thank gods! I was worried that it was just me. I mean, you'd _think_ it would've been phenomenal sex. Two bodies, almost the same, albeit one being an aloof, male version of the other…

"Both incredibly attractive dragon people…" he finished. "But it was so predictable! It was like doing it with just my hands."

Female Corrin brought her hands up, frowning. She rotated them around, exaggeratedly looking them over.

"Stop," he said. "You know what I mean, dude. Though I will admit you're even more beautiful than I expected when I saw you clothed. You're so damn pretty! You're making me blush just by looking at you because I'm so hot! And those curves… Oh, man!"

Female Corrin rolled her eyes, chuckling softly. "Every time you praise me, you never fail to make it a compliment about yourself. You're ridiculous."

She squirmed in the bed, turning to face him. "Hey, boy Corrin, can I ask you something kind of personal?"

"Shoot," he offered, yawning. "We just made love. You can't get much more personal than that."

"Do dragons lay eggs?" she asked, fidgeting her hands. "I've always wondered since the day I transformed. Not that I'm planning on having a kid, mind you. I'm just curious."

Male Corrin's response was to roll over and look at her solid red eyes. However, he could only maintain eye contact for a second, as his own eyes quickly ventured down to her naked breasts and they lingered there. This went on for a solid thirty seconds, with him making no verbal response, but instead glaring at her boobs intensely.

"Can you _please_ stop leering at my tits and actually answer the question?" Female Corrin chided, frowning. She pulled the bed covers upwards. "Will I lay eggs or something?"

Male Corrin rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry. It's not like I'll have another chance to check myself out. Man, what I wouldn't kill for one of those snapshot tomes right now…"

She sighed. "Boy Corrin, do dragons get pregnant or not?"

He shrugged. "How would I know? I'm a dude."

"True, but you're the only dragon I've met. You're the best lead I have."

"Hm."

The cogs in his brain began to turn, rusted as they were from a lack of use. "I don't think you'll lay eggs, no. I had a son and daughter through the normal method…though Azura did have an Astral Realm-induced pregnancy, meaning it lasted a few weeks rather than nine months. It was weird."

Female Corrin tilted her head. "I seem to be as mammalian as possible when in human form. For instance, reptiles don't have mammaries." She cupped her bust to prove her point, making him grin even wider.

He giggled. "Heehee, you touched them. Heh. Anyways, in dragon form, we don't have sex organs. Well, I know I don't. 'Dunno about you."

Female Corrin raised a brow. "You've actually checked?"

His grin dipped. "Wait, you haven't?"

Female Corrin frowned. "How and _why_ would I?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Um, you could use a hand mirror? We have hands in dragon form, you know It's kind of creepy, when you think about it. Why do dragons need hands? Is there an evolutionary reason for that? And why do we have jaws? We can't eat anything."

"Um…"

"I take it back. There is one thing I've _eaten_ as a dragon."

Female Corrin frowned. "Gross," she murmured, catching his implication.

"Prude," he replied.

He then opened his mouth wide, yawning loudly. "Well, whatever. I'm tired. Goodnight, girl me. Thanks for the incredibly mediocre sex." He closed his eyes and flopped to the side, burying his face into the pillow.

"W-wait!" Female Corrin cried. "We can't just lie around together!"

He mumbled something into his pillow. "Mmmph-mmph."

She sighed. "I can't understand you."

"Mphmmph?" he replied, his head still stuffed inside the pillow.

"Boy Corrin, I can't understand you. Raise your head _out_ of the pillow."

He did as she asked, yawning again. "I don't think anyone really cares."

"I'm sorry?" she asked. "What was that?"

He rested his head on his arm, facing towards her. "Like, no one cares that you did it with yourself, maaan. You're worried that your image will be hurt if someone catches you disheveled and naked with me, right?"

Female Corrin frowned. "What? No, I really don't care about that. I'm trying to tell you that we don't have time to spare! We should really stop Xander and Ryoma from fighting."

She pointed at the now-opened curtains. Xander, Ryoma, and a sizable crowd could be seen.

"Oh, snickerdoodles," Male Corrin cursed.

* * *

Ryoma and Xander stared at one another, noses almost touching. Each prince was apparently attempting to out-scowl the other.

"Are they going to fight each other or kiss?" Azama asked, an uncharacteristic look of uncertainty on his face. He then shrugged, indifferent. "Orochi, what do you think? Do your cards have anything to say? Should I place a bet on Lord Ryoma or the other man?"

"My cards don't work on Outrealm-related properties," Orochi replied. "And this Xander appears to be from an Outrealm."

Azama tilted his head. "Aren't we _in_ an Outrealm right now? It's all relative."

"Other Outrealms," Orochi corrected. "My cards don't work on objects and people from _other_ Outrealms."

"Ah," Azama said. "Oh well." He turned to Anna. "No betting for us, thank you. Watching the show is quite entertaining enough."

The redhead nodded, her ponytail bobbing up and down. She leapt out of the monk's line of sight, eager to find other customers.

"So that's why you were so awful at games in the Gamblerealm," Azama said, grinning.

"Quiet, you," Orochi said, annoyed

Azama snickered and twirled his Sun Festal around.

A sizable crowd had amassed by this point. Almost all the Hoshidians had gathered round to see the two princes tussle. Anna was wildly grabbing gold, diving between crowd members, and writing betting tickets.

"Are they gonna fiiiiight?" Setsuna whispered to the nearest person – Azura.

"I dearly hope not," Azura replied. "Otherwise, I'll have to sing."

"That's very threatening," Setsuna replied, nodding.

Azura tilted her head. "Are you mocking me?"

"No, of course not," Setsuna replied, yawning.

Azura frowned. "Are you being sarcastic or sincere? I cannot tell."

Setsuna blinked. "No."

Azura shook her head. "No? As in you're not being sarcastic, or you're not being sincere? Quite truthfully, I don't understand."

Azama tapped Azura's bare shoulder. The dancer spun around.

"As much as I would love to continue overhearing this _delightful_ chat," Azama said, "the princes look like they're about to start doing something exciting, and I simply cannot wait for some entertainment! So, please, _be quiet_ , for the sake of anyone nearby with ears. No one enjoys your incessant yammering."

Azura and Setsuna quickly shut up.

* * *

"Why would Corrin side with someone so _red_?" Xander questioned. "Bad people are always marked red! Have you seen those invisible soldiers? Their eyes aren't black, I'm telling you!"

"How would I _see_ invisible soldiers? And they're more of a purple than a red. Regardless, all of you, the Nohrians, are objectively the bad guys! Your color scheme is black! Read any literary work made in the last four-hundred years, fiend! The heroes aren't the ones with the 'grim' color scheme, let me tell you that much!"

Xander's eyelid twitched. "Oh, now you're judging us based on our color... scheme? I'll have you know that _dark_ is totally hip right now! Dark is dank!"

Oboro piped up from somewhere in the crowd. "No, it's not. The current in-color is blood orange."

Ryoma was now scowling marginally less than usual. "See? Blood orange!" He grinned and patted his blood-orange chest armor. "I'm hipper than you!"

"You're wearing red," Oboro commented.

"Not blood orange?"

She shook her head. "Nope. Red as a cherry. Oh, and for future reference: hip people don't use the word 'hip.'"

Ryoma's normal expression returned. "Damnation."

"Looks like I win this one, Hoshidan filth!" Xander said, a smile barely visible on his face.

"Hey!" Oboro cried, giving Xander a death glare. "You can't just call him that - that's our thing! Oh, and black is just as 'out' as red right now. Sorry, but you're both unfashionable."

"Damn it," both princes muttered. Then they resumed their completely mature scowling competition.

* * *

Male Corrin got up from the bed, rubbing his back and smacking his mouth. He peered through the large window, spotting a blotch of red engaging with Xander.

"That must be…Ryoma," he guessed. "And Xander." He squinted harder. "And…hey, is that…Anna trying to pacify the two? Oh, no. She's taking bets. Holy cow, that's a lot of people!"

He grabbed at each of the window's sides and pushed upwards. The whole frame was about half his size, stopping just above his waist.

"Hi, Anna!" he shouted. "Hello, Ryoma! And howdy, Xander!"

The two princes stopped glaring at each other only to instead gawk at the prince.

"Corrin?" Xander shouted. "Is that you?"

Male Corrin nodded. "Yep! How are you doing?"

Ryoma frowned. "You know this guy?"

Xander nodded. "He's my brother."

Ryoma frowned. "Why's he naked?"

Male Corrin raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?

Ryoma and Xander waited for it to sink in.

"…I'm not wearing any clothes, are I?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm afraid not, brother. And neither is the tramp behind you."

Female Corrin was beet-red, hiding in a corner off to the side, hugging the wall to stay unseen by the window. "Damn it all!" she whimpered, cowering.

"My sister is _not_ a tramp!" Ryoma cried. "If anything, your Corrin seduced mine!"

"Trust me when I say that there is no way in hell that my Corrin seduced _anyone,_ " Xander said, rolling his eyes.

The entirety of the Hoshidian camp and Ryoma got a good view of the Corrins' naked forms. Both Corrins were now the color of a plump, ripe tomato, their hands strategically trying to flail around and cover their respective privates.

It wasn't working.

"Close your eyes, Sakura!" Hinoka said, covering Sakura's petite head and wrapping her arms around the girl's eyes. Sakura complied, squeezing her eyes shut and whimpering against her taller sister. Hinoka started cooing softly and stroking her sister's back.

"That's sick," Saizo said. "Preserve some decency, man!"

"Oh dear," Azama said. "I love a good naked frolicking as much as the next monk, but this is rather much even for me. Mitama, close your eyes.

Mitama sleepily rubbed her eyes. "Two Corrins naked / I want to go back to sleep / Forgetting this travesty."

"Wait, why don't we just shut the curtains?" Male Corrin asked his other self, frowning.

"Oh," Female Corrin replied. "I didn't think of that!"

She scampered to the window, slammed it shut, and then moved the curtain to cover the window from the public eye.

* * *

Jakob, located within the crowd of Hoshidians, began to cackle madly.

"Heh heh heh…hah hah! It worked! It worked!" He jumped jumping around, pumping a fist into the air. "My plan worked!"

Hayato, who was standing behind the butler, frowned. "What plan?"

Jakob scowled, turning away from Hayato and rolling his eyes. "Nothing, Father. Leave me alone."

Hayato raised an eyebrow. "'Father'?" He walked around the butler and narrowed his vision, staring intensely into Jakob's eyes.

Jakob gulped.

"Rhajat, is that you in there?" Hayato asked, tilting his head.

"Oh, hell," Jakob cursed. "How did you know?"

Hayato shrugged. "You forgot the accent."

"Damn."

"Don't swear around me, young lady!"

Hayato sighed. "Rhajat, what did you do to Corrin?"

Jakob twiddled his thumbs, looking upwards. "How do you know it involves Corrin?"

"It _always_ involves Corrin," Hayato replied.

Jakob nodded. "Point taken."

"Now, _"_ Hayato said, "Tell me why you're in Jakob's body, and what exactly your 'plan' with the Corrins was, and maybe I _won't_ ground you until the end of this war."

"Father…"

" _Now,_ daughter."

"I…I _may_ have laced the Corrins' tea with aphrodisiacs," Jakob said quietly.

Hayato grabbed the butler by the ear and began to pull Jakob towards the treehouse. He put up no resistance, only whining softly.

"You _will_ climb up that treehouse this very moment and explain everything you did to Corrin!" Hayato informed.

Jakob frowned. "But-"

Hayato's right eye twitched. "NOW!"

"Yes, Father," Jakob mumbled, climbing up the treehouse ladder. Hayato shook his head and followed.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Remember when I said the Ghostrealm arc would continue this chapter?

Yeah, I lied.

Okay, so I _was_ originally going to continue it here, but I couldn't integrate into this chapter naturally; with all the back-and-forth-ing that happened in this chapter, it would've been a weird transition. Sorry! It's one of the most interesting stories, so I'll continue that one as soon as I can, damn it!

I hope this chapter had more than enough events to make up for it, though! The plot is picking up again, and there's more going on this chapter. Last chapter was just mostly...talking.

And yes, I had planned the Jakob-being-Rhajat and drugging the dragons with aphrodisiacs plot-twist ever since I introduced the Hoshido Jakob. S-see? I'm _not_ just making this shit up as I'm going along anymore, guys!

Also, I promised some of you guys I'd integrate certain characters! I'm still working on it! This chapter just turned out longer than I expected, so they'll be pushed back a bit. They'll show up, promise!

As always, please give me feedback! I'm like a drug addict, except, the drug is feedback. So, uh...hook me up, fellas. Especially bad feedback or criticism. I really do appreciate suggestions for improvements and constructive criticism.

Thanks to The Apocryphal One for pointing out a continuity error!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	11. Thigh Gaps and Aphrodisiacs

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 11: Thigh Gaps and Aphrodisiacs**

* * *

"Well, that's the end of the tour," Ghost Selena said, hovering near a set of closed brown double doors.

"What did you think?" Ghost Odin asked. He pushed his hand outwards and waved it in a sweeping motion. He widened his mouth, baring his teeth. "Was it skin-crawlingly creepy?"

Normal Felicia shrugged. Her pink-tinted ponytail whipped up and down. "Not really. It was actually quite nice."

Outrealm Felicia nodded in affirmation. "Mhm-hm! I particularly liked the ghastly flower garden. I never knew flowers even _had_ ghosts!"

"Aw, come on!" Odin said. He floated over to a corner, crossing his arms.

Selena sighed and placed a hand on her face, widening her fingers just enough to peer through her ring finger and middle finger.

"Listen," she quietly said. "I normally don't ask this kind of thing, but could you pretend you were actually scared? It'd really make his whole week."

The Felicias nodded vigorously.

"Hi, uh, ghost version of Odin!" Normal Felicia said. "I suddenly remembered how very scary you were during the tour. You really spooked my socks off!"

Odin whipped around. "Really?"

Outrealm Felicia nodded. "Totally! You were the scariest part of the tour by _far_! That magic trick you did with the fire tome? _Terrifying!_ I almost peed myself!"

Odin beamed. "Well, then you'll find this next part absolutely ponytail-raising, my lovelies! Gaze into the abyss, where your prince Corrin lies!"

He snapped his fingers and the double doors slowly creaked outwards. The Felicias looked into each other's identical green eyes hesitantly.

"Well?" Selena said. She crossed her arms, tapping her manicured nails against her ethereal leg. She jerked her head towards the entrance covered in shadow. "Lord Corrin is inside. Sorry about the lack of light - we're running low on ghost candles. You'll just have to make do."

"Just think of it as an adventure into a mysterious cavern!" Odin said. "Venturing into the unknown abyss, the promise of glory and finding your beloved Lord Corrin spurring you on!"

The two maids nodded at each other, determination flickering across their symmetrical faces.

"Felicia, you can do this!" Outrealm Felicia whispered.

"Oh, thank you!" the other Felicia said, now grinning.

"I was actually cheering myself on."

Normal Felicia's grin lowered. "Oh."

"W-well, good luck anyway!"

Normal Felicia nodded. "Same to you, other me!"

The maids each grasped for the other's hands, identical fingers intertwining. Both of their arms were shaking as they entered the doorway, the darkness swallowing their forms.

Odin snapped his fingers once more, and the double doors slammed to a halt behind the duo. "Goodbye, friends!" he shouted, waving at the door.

He brought his hand in front of his face, shaking it dramatically and grinning like a maniac. "Oh man, I totally can't wait to tell Laslow that they thought my Fell Tour was scary!" He looked to Selena for approval, giving her the best puppy dog eyes he could muster. "Can I do it now? Can I pleeeaaase?"

She sighed, shooing him away. "Fine. Go tell your _boyfriend_."

"Yahoo!" Odin shouted. "Err, I mean…I am imbued with the essence of…"

She glared at him.

"Oh, you know what? Forget it." He eagerly floated off in Laslow's direction.

"Lasloooowwwww!" he hollered. "Guess what someone just said about my Fell Tour? You'll never believe it!"

Selena tried to suppress her grin.

* * *

"Wait, these are _your_ pants," Male Corrin said. "Mine don't have thigh holes. Also, they're, you know, not made of metal."

Female Corrin blinked. "Yes, I'm certainly aware of that. We're… We're already dressed, boy Corrin."

He nodded. "Yeah, but I just wanted to point out how stupid those thigh-holes are. Seriously, what's up with those? Why does only the female Nohr Noble class get sexy fanservice outfits? I want weird lacy metal thigh holes, dammit!"

She frowned. "You're a mechanist. You're not wearing metallic pants regardless of that."

"Oh," he said, creasing his brows. "Good point."

"Okay," Female Corrin said. She paused, drumming her fingers on the bed below her. "…So."

Male Corrin nodded. "…So."

Both sat on the edge of the bed and kicked their legs.

"Got any other conversation ideas?" Female Corrin asked. "I'd really like to talk about something so I can forget about how most of my army saw me without clothes."

He reddened slightly and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's something I'd rather not live through again. Exhibitionism is too far, even for me. Here, let me think of a new conversation topic. Uh…" He snapped his fingers and grinned. "Hey, I've got a topic: Azura! You've dated Azura, right?"

"Yes." She pursed her lips, exhaling. "But boy me, why does everything we talk about have to be related to dating?"

"We're young adults," he replied, shrugging. "That's, like, all us young people talk about. Why, do you have any other conversation topics?"

She frowned. She tapped the side of her face with her index finger, thinking. He scratched a particularly itchy spot on the rear of his scalp.

The silence was deafening.

"The weather's nice today, right?" Female Corrin offered.

"I guess."

Female Corrin raised a corner of her lips, tilting her head to the side, her long locks falling. She exhaled. "You know what? Fine. I guess I don't have any other ideas. Let's talk about romance."

He grinned, leaning backwards. "Your attraction to Azura makes sense. I mean, think about it: _I'm_ incredibly attracted to Azura. If I were a woman, which you are, by the way, I'd still be attracted to her. She's, like, super-duper sexy. I mean, that _hair_ …." He shuddered in pleasure, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply.

Female Corrin pursed her lips. "You'd be attracted to women as a woman? Would you be gay?"

Male Corrin grinned. "Oh, I'm already incredibly gay. I'm gay all the time!" He frowned. "Except when I'm fighting people. Then I guess I'm pretty bummed out. But other than that, yeah, I'm super gay!"

"Not that kind of gay," she said, exhaling a breath she didn't know she'd started to hold. "Boy Corrin, let me rephrase that: are you attracted to men as well as women? Are you bisexual?"

He pondered this. "Honestly? I'm not entirely sure. I'm generally up for anything Azura's into, but I wouldn't want to do anything without her involvement or consent."

"So… If you weren't married to Azura, you wouldn't want to date a man?"

" _Especially_ then," he replied. "After all, I wouldn't want to ruin the chances of me getting to date Azura, and dating a third-party would do exactly that."

"What?" Female Corrin was now confused. "Look, forget about Azura. Let's just… Let's pretend. In this scenario, there's no Azura. There never was any Azura. Would you date a man?"

"No," he replied, frowning.

"Okay," she said, nodding. "Then you're probably not-"

"I'd find the person that kidnapped Azura and kick their butt!" Male Corrin said, interrupting his womanly counterpart. He punched the air. "I'd get 'em with a Dragon Fang critical hit!"

Female Corrin raised an eyebrow. "Huh? What? No! In this scenario, Azura wasn't kidnapped by anyone. She never existed in the first place. We're role-playing."

"Oh." He hesitated. "Well, then I'd break the curse!"

"What curse?"

"The curse preventing Azura from existing in the first place!"

"This relationship doesn't sound healthy if you can't even give me a hypothetical answer on who you'd like to bang," she muttered, frowning. "Look, what if Azura was killed?"

Male Corrin beamed. "Oh, no one in our army can die. We're on casual."

"What does your dress style have to do with anything?"

"I mean we're on casual _mode_. You know, of the game."

"What game?"

"Fire Emblem."

"What's that?"

"Tactical role-playing eugenics dating simulator. It's also a metal shield thingy, except when it's not."

She stared at her counterpart, before slowly shaking her head. "I didn't understand any of the words you just said aside from 'metal shield thingy'. Look. In this scenario, Azura is dead, okay? Completely, one-hundred percent dead."

Male Corrin raised a finger and opened his mouth.

"And no, you cannot resurrect her. She's not barely hanging on. She's deader than a Faceless. Azura has no pulse. Her head was chopped off and steamed inside an active furnace, crisping the skin and flesh inside. Her torso was pushed off into the Endless Canyon, splattering it on the ground. Azura is dead. D-E-A-D. Now, who do you date? Would you be up for dating a man?"

"Wouldn't I first have to grieve over Azura?" asked Male Corrin.

" _After_ that!"

He nodded sagely. "Okay. In that case, I choose to date Azura."

 _"She's dead!"_ Female Corrin screeched, slamming her clenched fists on the table. "We've established this, dammit! Azura. Is. DEAD!"

"That stinks," he said quietly. "Hold on… I can go into the Dragon's Gate, right? I'll just find another Azura and convince her to marry me." His red eyes lit up. "Ooh, you know what? I could find _two_ Azuras! Or three! Or maybe…maybe I could have a whole _harem_ of Azuras! Ooh, ooh! I could start an Azura choir! Maybe I could charge for performances on the streets! Then I'd finally have enough money to buy those Master Seals!"

Female Corrin began to tug on her white locks. She pulled one half of her face upwards in thought. How could one get an idiot to answer a deceptively simple question definitively?

"I've got it!" she shouted. "I know how to figure your sexuality out! Answer this: what if Azura was a man? Would you date a male Azura?"

Male Corrin answered without hesitation. "Oh, I'd totally hit that."

Female Corrin's grin grew wide enough to rival her male counterpart's. "Finally! A definitive answer!"

She then hesitated, tentatively lowering her smile. "Wait. I want to make sure you're not just answering that way because it's Azura. What if Azura were… Hm. What's the most absurd thing I can think of?"

She pondered this for a few moments, then clicked her fingers together as an idea sprung up. "What if Azura was a dog?"

"Eh, it's legal in Nohr," he replied, shrugging.

She frowned.

' _Maybe he just has some weird dog fetish_ ,' Female Corrin tried to convince herself. _'Let's try something else._ '

She placed her palms onto the table. "Say, what if Azura was a walrus?"

Male Corrin grinned. "Snuggling would be so much warmer! No more fire tomes for this Nohrian!" He jabbed a thumb at his chest.

Female Corrin scowled, trying to think of an even more absurd premise. "W-well, what if Azura was made of feces?"

"Kissing might be kind of messy, but we'd make it work."

"What if," Female Corrin asked, clenching her teeth, "Azura was your _child_?"

He frowned. "How'd that happen? Azura's a first-generation."

She sighed. "Once again, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

"I can only father second-generation kids," he explained. "I can't father Azura."

"Look, just…" Female Corrin looked around the room, eyes settling on an odd grimoire laying half-open on her bookshelf. She could've sworn she'd left it on the other side of the room. "It was, er, a body-switching spell. Azura switched places with your kid. Would you still be in love with Azura?"

Male Corrin nodded. "Ah. That's where I draw the line."

The volume of air that had suddenly been expelled from Female Corrin's chest was colossal. It was as if one had suddenly used a wind tome. "Thank the gods." She exhaled.

"Kana's body is seven years old," he said. "I don't romance children. That's too strange, even for me. I'd just stick Kana-Azura into a Deeprealm for a bit, until her body was physically mature. Sure, the physical affection might be kind of weird, but as long as we don't have any more kids-"

"You are _insufferable!_ " Female Corrin shrieked, subjecting the poor table to more physical abuse. "Can nothing dissuade you of talking about your _stupid_ wife?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I think the sexual tension's getting too thick in here. Again. Listen, lady me: if you want to bang Azura, you should've just said something! I'm sure she'd be up for a three-way. She's practically been begging all the Nohrians for one!"

Female Corrin's left eye began to twitch. "If you bring up Azura one more time, I _will choke you._ Do not test me. I _will_ do it!"

"Will you be choking me in dragon form?" he asked, tilting his head.

She blinked. "I don't see why…"

Male Corrin then proceeded to talk in a high-pitched falsetto, his hand atop his heart. "Choke me if you must, Lady Corrin!"

She grabbed at his neck and started to wiggle him back and forth in a chokehold.

"B-but do it as y-yourself…"

The door suddenly burst off the hinges, revealing an exasperated Hayato and an overly-enthusiastic Jakob. Hayato flexed his muscular, tree trunk Oni Savage arms and grinned. "Finally!" he cried.

"We were _just_ naked!" Female Corrin cried, releasing her grip on Male Corrin's neck. "What if we still weren't fully clothed?"

"Damn it, people!" Male Corrin said, grasping his reddened collar and exhaling. "Does no one ever knock? Seriously!"

"We _did_ knock," Jakob huffed, "For a solid five minutes."

"While yelling 'Let us in! Let us in!'" Hayato added. "I had to buy a Heart Seal, reclass to an Oni Savage, and then bust the door down!"

"Huh," Male Corrin said. "Weird. Well, I'm not paying for the heart seal _or_ the door repair charge."

Female Corrin stroked the back of her neck. "Whoops," she said, grinning sheepishly. "Guess I forgot about the hex."

"What hex?" Male Corrin asked.

"Soundproofing hex," said Jakob.

Female Corrin nodded. "Right. Jakob commissioned it and Rhajat installed it. As long as the door and window are closed and locked, no one can hear or see inside the room or vice-versa."

"Why do you have a soundproofing hex installed in your room?" Hayato asked, frowning. He placed a deliciously buff arm on his hip.

Male Corrin covered his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle a giggle.

Female Corrin glared at him. "Not for the reasons you're thinking of, pervert."

Male Corrin waved an arm into the air. "And…cue the flashback!"

* * *

" _Aroooooo!"_

Corrin groaned and used her hands to cover up her pointed ears with a pillow. "What's with all that noise?"

 _"Arf! Arf! Arooooo!"_

"Ugh." She moaned, sliding out of bed and exchanging her spot in her warm and comfy bedsheets for one in the brisk cool night air. She placed her silver gloves on, grabbed the door handle and slowly started waltzing down towards the field below.

"What's all the racket?" she asked once on the grassy field, rubbing her eyes.

A golden fox could be seen a way away on the field, grinning. It had mischievous, glowing eyes that stared at her. When it saw her, it wagged its tail and tilted its head.

"A fox?" Corrin said, frowning. "How did it get past the night watch? I thought the night guards were supposed to kill wild game."

"I'm not an it!" the fox said, shaking its head. "I'm a he!"

"What the hell?" Corrin said, taking a step backwards. "It can talk?"

"Of course I can!" it replied. "Hey, you know what? Maybe you'd recognize me better if I shifted into my faux human form. …Fox human form?"

The fox lit up with a white light. In a flash, it transformed into a rather pretty, orange fur-covered man that two furry ears and a large, fluffy tail. Said tail was an object of affection for many of the women, much to the fox's unabashed glee. He grinned, his tail wagging rhythmically, and it almost hypnotically lulled Corrin back to sleep.

Corrin had to strain to keep awake.

"Hiya, Corrin!" Kaden said. "Wow, you're up early!"

Corrin stood upright, trying to fight the tail's gentle, tantalizing lull. "Oh, I remember you now. We met at the opera house. Kaden, right? You're a shapeshifter."

Kaden beamed. "Yep! The one and only! Just look at how pretty and luxurious my coat is!"

"Kaden, do you happen to know what that odd barking noise was? It woke me up."

Kaden stiffened, looking at the sky. Suddenly, his form was enveloped in a blinding white light. Corrin instinctually covered her face with her hands, squinting. When she lowered her hand from her face, Kaden was a quadruped once again, gazing directly at the moon.

"Arooooo!" he cried. "Arf! Arf arf arf!"

"Oh gods," Corrin said. "You howl at the moon? I thought you were a fox, not a wolf!"

Kaden shifted back into his human form and brushed the fur on the back of his neck. "Well, foxes and wolves are both canines."

"Kaden, you woke me up!" Corrin said, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?"

His tail's wagging pace slowed down exponentially. "I woke you? Corrin, I'm so sooooorrry! I owe you one!"

"So if you stay in our army," Corrin asked, frowning, "this will be a regular occurrence?"

Kaden nodded. "Yeah. Please don't kick me out! I promise I'll make it up to you!"

"I guess I'll have to figure out a way to soundproof my room and the barracks." Corrin sighed.

"I'll see what I can do to help!" Kaden said, smiling. "Hey, is there anything I can do to help out in the meantime?"

Corrin grinned mischievously, her eyes lighting up in the dark. She started to pet the incredibly soft fur lying atop Kaden's head. "Well, there may be _one_ way..."

* * *

"Aw," Male Corrin moaned. "You did it with Kaden, too? Lucky!"

"What? No! Why is everything always sex with you?" Female Corrin walked over to the chest on the side of the room and pulled out a furry, orange hat, and placed it atop her head. "Kaden made me a hat with his fur! Isn't he just the sweetest?"

Male Corrin exhaled. "Oh. Well that's certainly not as fun." He turned to face the two new men in the room. "So, what are you two fine fellows doing here, Jakob and little man?"

"First off, I am _not_ little," Hayato said, somewhat defensively. "See the muscles?" He pointed to his forearm and scowled. "But regardless of that, this isn't the Jakob you know. Your butler's body is currently inhabited by my daughter, Rhajat."

"Well, that's unbelievable, but I believe it." Male Corrin looked up at the treehouse ceiling. "I'll believe anything, honestly. Once, King Garon told me the world 'gullible' was written on the ceiling. I looked up, and then he punched me."

"That's extremely weird," Female Corrin said. She paused. "The body-switching thing, I mean. Not my adoptive father's behavior or my counterpart's stupidity. Regardless, I believe you as well. Rhajat certainly has gone to extreme lengths to seduce me before." She frowned. "I still remember that love potion…"

"And it worked, too!" Jakob said, grinning. "If only the healers didn't figure out a way to remove the curse. Imagine if it had stuck permanently! Our love would have finally been on display for all to see!"

Female Corrin frowned. "And _I_ still wish I had taken that lawyer up on his offer to sue your lack of pants off. What was his name, again? Phoenix Mode Wright? Well, whatever. We all have regrets, Rhajat."

Jakob spun to face the male Corrin. "I certainly wasn't hoping to meet like this, alternate universe Corrin. But hello, regardless."

"How _were_ you hoping to introduce yourself?" the male Corrin asked.

"In my own body, and with you more naked," the butler admitted with a tentative shrug.

Hayato shoved Jakob in the shoulder. "Weren't you going to say something, Rhajat?"

"Oh. Yes. Right. I am truly, incredibly sorry for trading places with your butler and lacing your tea with aphrodisiacs." Jakob rolled his eyes, clearly not sorry.

"What?" both Corrins cried in unison.

"You _drugged_ us?" the female Corrin screamed.

" _No wonder_ the tea was so awful!" Male Corrin yelled.

"Want to hear how I did it?" Jakob offered. "I'm pretty proud of the plan."

Hayato elbowed him. The butler grumbled in response. "I mean, I'm _sorry_ for the plan."

Male Corrin gave a half-hearted shrug. "Eh, I'm not really interested."

Female Corrin glared.

"But since my lady self seems to be, you should probably tell us. I guess." He picked up the female Corrin's teacup, looking inside. "Hey, mind if I steal some of your tea?"

"You just said the tea was terrible!" Female Corrin exclaimed.

He shrugged. "I'm thirsty."

Hayato frowned. "Is that the same tea that my kid drugged?"

Male Corrin stared into the cup, licking his lips. "I'm thirsty."

* * *

Author's Notes:

I wrote the Corrin-is-obsessed-with-Azura bit quite a while back, but I never had a place to stick it until now. So it's here...now. Hope it's not offensive, I tried to make it obvious that it's mostly just Male Corrin being a moron that's obsessed with Azura.

Also, I think I'm finally sick of the Male Corrin and Female Corrin interactions. But maybe that's because I've been writing like, almost exclusively that. Next chapter won't focus on the Corrins. Maybe it won't have any mention of Corrin at all!

No promises, though.

Coming up next time on _The Mechanist's Secret Power_ :

Jakob, Odin, and Laslow meet up with the Corrins! The Felicias have something creepy happen to them that's probably pretty obvious, considering they're ghosts and all! I overuse exclamation points!

As always, feedback (reviews, PMs, etc.) is appreciated immensely. If you see a typo, let me know please!

Also, please let me know what you think is going to happen to the Felicias. I want to hear your theories and see how well I'm foreshadowing…

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	12. We've Got Ghastly Trouble!

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 12: We've Got Ghastly Trouble!**

* * *

"Gah!" Laslow leaped out of the portal and tumbled over, landing flat on his stomach, his face buried in the wispy green mist that apparently qualified for a floor in the Outrealms.

Odin, meanwhile, exited more gracefully, leaping out of the vortex and putting a hand on his hip, tilting his head upwards. "Ta-da!" he said loudly.

Laslow moaned, lifting his head upwards and then dropping it onto the ground in exapseration.

"Need a Fell hand, friend?" Odin asked, grinning.

"Please," Laslow replied, rolling over and accepting his pal's gracious offer. He pulled himself up, patting his hands against his pants.

"There's no dust here," said Odin, noting Laslow's hand gesture.

"My mother always taught me to keep my pants clean," Laslow replied with a tentative shrug.

Odin raised an eyebrow. "Your mother never _wore_ pants."

Laslow frowned. "Yeah? Well, neither do you."

"I meant no offense," Odin grumbled. He glanced down at his tight leather ensemble. "And besides, it adds to my mystique!"

"No, Odin," Laslow exhaled. "It does anything but. It leaves almost nothing to the imagination!"

"Will you fools quit your incessant banter?" a posh voice called out.

"Greetings, Jakob!" said Odin. "How goes the Corrin hunt?"

"That's 'Lord Corrin' to you," Jakob said as he walked toward the duo, frowning. His scowl lightened as he continued talking. "And rather well, actually. I have a lead."

"Really?" Laslow asked. "That's fantastic! Where is it?"

Jakob pointed to a peculiar green object lying in the distance. Odin and Laslow ran over to it, while Jakob calmly walked.

The clue in question was Corrin's corpse, laid out on its side as if someone had lazily hauled him there. His eyes were open, a cloudy red, their usual vividity dulled with death's kiss.

"Oh gods!" Odin said. He grabbed one of Corrin's arms, the hand limply giving way into Odin's grip. "Lord Corrin! Snap out of it!"

"I don't think he's waking up," Laslow said quietly. He pointed to Corrin's neck, which had a ninja star embedded in it. Blood seeped out, darkening his collar.

"Who could have done this?" Odin asked.

"A ninja, obviously," Jakob said, sighing and pointing to the metallic star. "These are shuriken." He tore the star out from Corrin's neck rather quickly; a small helping of blood oozed out. Odin and Laslow grimaced.

"Oh, stop it," he snapped. "You've seen worse. Hell, you've _done_ worse."

"You've got a point there," Laslow said. He hesitated. "Five, actually."

"Hold on for a moment," Odin said. "Jakob, why are you so calm? Do you not fetishize Lord Corrin?"

Jakob nodded. "I hold Lord Corrin in very high regard, yes. And I certainly did express my remorse earlier. Until I saw the rest of them, at least."

Laslow blinked. "The rest of them…?"

"Gods," Odin breathed out, pointing a finger westward. "Laslow! Look yonder!"

And look yonder Laslow did. His jaw dropped as he saw yet another Corrin corpse lying down. And another. And another! All in all, there were around thirty Corrin corpses littered in piles across the Outrealms, each one with ninja stars embedded in its necks.

"I… What the hell?" Laslow said, taking a step backwards. "Are these corpses _all_ of Corrin?"

"It appears that way," Jakob said. He sighed and put a hand on his head, rubbing his temple. "The worst bit is they're completely identical if one ignores the positioning of the shuriken. I'm not quite sure why there are multiple copies of my master's corpse, but I surely intend to find out and get revenge, if need be. However, as his retainer, I must hold out hope that Lord Corrin is alive and well…even if all evidence points to the contrary."

"Hey!" Odin said, pointing a finger in the distance. "What's that?"

Laslow narrowed his eyes. "It looks like…Lilith?"

The trio began walking towards the oddity in question. Lilith was floating on her sphere and dragging one of the Corrin corpses around with her mouth, holding it by the arm. The body effortlessly glided along the invisible floor. "Mmph!" she grunted. Once the corpse had met up with a pile of its lifeless peers, she spat out the stiff's hand and let it lie there. "Ptooey! That was disgusting! Did he not ever bathe?"

"Lady Lilith?" Laslow said. "Is that you?"

Lilith turned to Laslow. "Hey, I know you! You tried to kill me!"

"Ah. Sorry about that, my dear! If it makes you feel any better, it was most likely another Laslow."

"Hm? Another?"

"Outrealms," Laslow said, gesturing his hand as if it explained everything. "Nice to formally meet you, alternate Lilith. My name is Laslow, as I have already stated." He extended a hand towards the dragon Lilith just looked at it him curiously.

"Um… I don't exactly have a hand. I can't shake hands."

Shrugging, Laslow grabbed her right paw and got down on one knee, kissing it.

Lilith's bulbous eyes narrowed as she pulled her paw back. "Are you making a pass at me?"

"No!" Laslow cried. "Of course not! I was simply being respectful!"

Lilith stared at him. She gnawed on her ball.

"Unless you'd like me to be…?" Laslow added hopefully, raising one of his eyebrows and treating her to a dazzling smile.

"Gods," Jakob said. "He's flirting with the goldfish."

" _Dragon!_ " Lilith yelled, perhaps a little too defensively. "I'm a dragon!"

"To change the topic," Odin butted in, quickly trying to play damage control, "were you the one who moved those bodies?"

Lilith bobbed her head up and down. "Most of them, yes. Saizo moved a few before he was called away. On a normal day, the human army members and Kaden would help clean up, but they're currently occupied."

* * *

"Ryo-ma! Ryo-ma! Ryo-ma!" the crowd cheered.

Xander and Ryoma had their arms placed against the top of a table, each straining as they gritted their teeth. Both their arms were taut and sweaty, grasping the other for dominance in a display of utter masculinity that would've made even Soleil sweat. They were engaged in the fiercest, tensest, (and if Nina were present to comment, most sexually-charged) arm-wrestling match that man, kitsune, or dragon had ever seen.

"For Hoshido!" Ryoma cried, flexing the tangle of arms to his left.

"For Nohr!" Xander yelled, moving their arms to the right.

"Just beat the crap out of each other already!" Anna whined. "I took bets on who was going to pummel each other, not on who was going to be stronger, dammit!" She put a finger on her chin, grinning and tilting her head. "Maybe I can kickstart things?"

Anna ran up to Ryoma. "Hey, what's that over there?" she asked, pointing and causing both princes to turn towards a spot in the distance. She used this prime opportunity to punch both princes in the groin and sprinted away hastily.

Both grown, adult men squealed in pain. Xander's, bizarrely enough, was rather high-pitched and girlish.

"Did…you…just…scream…like…a…little…girl?" Ryoma squeaked out, coddling his privates and lurched forward.

"No!" Xander whimpered, clutching his own pearls. A lone tear formed on his cheek.

"You…did!" Ryoma yelped, his higher brain functions losing a furious battle with his nervous system. "Why'd…you…punch…me?"

"I…didn't…punch…you!" Xander choked out. "It…was…Anna! Any…fool…can…see…that!"

Ryoma scoffed. "A likely…story! You…kicked…me…in the royal…jewels…so you could…win the match!" He slammed his hands on the table, gripping it to try and ease the pain.

"Why…would I punch myself, then?"

"To erase suspicion, of course!"

"What?"

Ryoma threw a punch, culminating in a soft _whack_ as it hit the side of Xander's cheek.

"What the…?" Xander asked, befuddled. He narrowed his eyebrows. "Fine, you want a battle?" He lobbed a fist at Ryoma, who narrowly dodged it by orbiting his head. "You'll _get_ one!"

Ryoma narrowed his eyes and focused on nothing but the soon-to-be-bloodied fool in front of him. "For Hoshido!"

"For Nohr!" Xander yelled, knocking the table over and diving at his competitor, repeatedly pummeling his fist against Ryoma's plush face.

"Wooh!" Anna shouted, now positioned at the cheering crowd's rear. "For money!"

Lilith sighed. "I'm the only one who's available to help dispose of these bodies. Everyone else is a part of the popcorn gallery."

"Why are there forty copies of Lord Corrin's stiff?" Laslow asked.

Lilith shrugged as much as a being without shoulders was able. "Beats me. This male version of Lady Corrin just _appeared_ and then started dying in droves."

Odin whistled. "Huh. But is the original free from harm?"

Lilith nodded. "Yeah. The original is alive and well. He's er…bonding, let's say, with Lady Corrin. You two probably shouldn't interrupt."

Jakob grinned, jumping into the air and letting out a loud cry. Laslow, Odin, and Lilith stared at him.

"What?" he snapped. "Am I not allowed to be happy? My liege is alive!"

"Anyway," Odin said, choosing to ignore Jakob's outburst, "do you need assistance carrying these corpses in the meantime?"

Laslow beamed, putting a hand on his hip and saluting. "Would you like my help as well?"

"Sure," Lilith said. "I can always use a helping hand or two, seeing as I have none." Her smile lowering, she looked down at her pathetic excuses for paws, in mourning of two of her more useful appendages.

"Can you not just transform into a beautiful woman again?" Laslow asked.

Lilith shook her head. "No, I-"

"You've done it before," he added.

Lilith's tail swished in annoyance. "Yes, but that was-"

"Corrin can do it," Odin helpfully added.

Lilith frowned. "True, but she's-"

"Kana can, too," Laslow said.

Lilith's tail stopped waving. "Who's Kana?"

"Lord Corrin's kid," Laslow answered with a shrug.

"Your Corrin has a kid?" Lilith asked, frowning.

"Are we going to find Lord Corrin or not?" Jakob asked rather curtly. "You've been standing here and yammering with this celestial serpent for the past ten minutes."

"Oh, now _that's_ an exaggeration," said Odin. "And I would know!"

"What's your Jakob's problem?" Lilith asked. She flicked her tail.

Odin shrugged. "We think he's just like that."

Jakob's eye started twitching. "I do not _care_ what this creature says about interrupting Lord Corrin's canoodling session. I need to confirm the safety of my liege!"

Jakob used his palm to shove the young dragon aside, her ball clattering onto the ground and rolling a few feet forwards. Lilith herself met the ball, bouncing off it with an " _oof_ " and groaning from her spot on the floor. Grasping the folds of his vest, Jakob straightened his back and made a running leap into the portal nearest Lilith, jumping over a pile of excess Corrin stiffs lying on the ground.

"See?" Laslow said. "He's just like that."

"We'd better venture after him," Odin said. He sighed melodramatically.

Laslow extended a hand towards the dragon. She was now lying belly-up, her tummy rising and falling slowly.

"Leave me," Lilith moaned. "I'm just, uh, going to lie here for a few minutes."

"That works for Odin Dark," Odin said. He ran after Jakob into the swirling vortex, leaping with his arms in a star formation and giving off a loud "woo-hoo!" as he jumped.

"Guess I'd better head out, too," Laslow said. "Sorry, but I can't leave those two alone with…well, anything. Gods, I'm but a babysitter!"

Laslow dove headfirst into the portal.

* * *

The Felicias couldn't see a damned thing.

"Hello?" one asked. "Is there a Corrin in here?"

"Lord Corrr-innnn!" the other cried. "Where arrre you?"

"Felicia?" Corrin shouted. "Is that you?"

"My love!" one of them shouted.

"My lord!" another yelled.

"Felicia?" Corrin asked, puzzled.

"Hi!"

"Hello, Lord Corrin!"

A breathy sigh could be heard echoing throughout the hall. "Look," Corrin said. "I can't see a damned thing. I'm just gonna turn on the lights."

A clapping sound could be heard and suddenly the room was visible, bathed in a red glow.

"Hey, the fireplace works!" Corrin said. "I guess Jakob fixed it."

A throne stood in the center of the room, antler-esque dragon horns adorned to the top of the chair's crown. To the side of the lay a cackling fireplace. A ghastly Corrin sat in the throne's center, his legs crossed. He was grinning.

"Hi!" Corrin said. "How are you doing today, Felicia-s? Hold on. Why are there two of you, and why do you appear to be living?"

A ghastly Odin floated into the room from a nearby wall. He started whispering into Corrin's ear, gesturing wildly with his hands.

Corrin nodded. "Thank you, Odin."

The dark mage floated outwards back through the wall, exiting and giving a thumbs-up to the Felicias.

"Well, you're not our Lord," Normal Felicia muttered, exhaling softly. "Excuse me, but are you the only Corrin around here, sir? We've lost ours."

Corrin tapped a transparent finger against his head. "As far as I know, there hasn't been anything truly alive here in decades."

Both Felicias tilted their heads.

"Please wait one second," Corrin said, floating over towards the fireplace and placing his haunted hands out, roasting them in the flames.

"Azura?" he called. "Come out here, dear!"

"ONE MOMENT, PLEASE!" a new voice rumbled.

The Felicias screamed as a Faceless lumbered out into the hall through the room's only opening, sauntering and swinging its muscular arms. It stopped at the side of Corrin, turning to face the wall opposite him.

"WHAT IS IT, MY LOVE?" the Faceless screeched. "I CAN'T HEAR OR SEE YOU VERY WELL!"

"Gods," Corrin said, putting a hand on his face. "I can't wait to get you out of that body."

"OH!" the monster exclaimed, putting a hand on its chest. "I'LL GET THE WHIPPING CREAM!"

"I said get you 'out of that body', not 'out of that bodice,'" Corrin explained. "Not that you're wearing one. And besides," he gestured to the Felicias, "we have guests. Some young new bodies, to be precise."

"OH, YES!" the monster cried. "I SIMPLY CAN'T WAIT TO STOP BEING A FACELESS! IT'S SO HARD TO HEAR OR SEE ANYTHING IN THIS BODY!"

"Of course, dear," Corrin replied, shaking his head. His wispy ghost hairs jiggled in the red light.

He sidled up to the Faceless and crawled his hand up and down its arm. In response, the monster coddled up to Corrin, making a sound akin to a purr.

The Felicias blanched.

"Let's get you out of that ugly thing and into something more comfortable, hm?" Corrin whispered into the monster's helmet. The Faceless shuddered in pleasure, collapsing onto the floor. Its grotesque body dissolved into particles, leaving behind only a dusty trail and a ghastly Azura. She rose, grinning.

"That's convenient," she said, floating upwards from the spot where the monster used to stand. "I thought we'd have to dispose of the corpse." Her cobalt hair shimmered in the hearth's light.

"Wow," Corrin breathed out. "Every time we find new bodies and I get to see your ghost form anew, I always forget how beautiful you were."

Azura giggled and put a hand on her hip. "Like what you see, dragon darling?"

"Incredibly!" Corrin said, grinning and pulling the princess closer. He pecked her on the cheek, causing her to release a stifled giggle.

"Awwwww!" the Felicias cooed.

"And that's precisely why we need you!" Corrin said, pointing a finger at the maids.

"To coo at people?" Outrealm Felicia asked.

"No, sweetie. Us ghosts can't reproduce," Azura replied. She floated down towards Normal Felicia and poked her on the nose. " _Boop_."

"You guys want to have ghost babies?" Normal Felicia asked.

"No, no," Corrin said. "Let me clarify: ghosts can't _enjoy themselves_."

Normal Felicia frowned. "I still don't get it."

"We can't do the deed," Azura clarified.

"You know, making the beast with two backs," Corrin added.

"Creaming the milk!" Outrealm Felicia said. The two ghosts glowered at her.

"I-I wanted to feel like part of the conversation," she shyly admitted. "I'm new to innuendo."

Normal Felicia fiddled with the back of her ponytail. "Can someone please fill me in on what everyone's talking about?"

Outrealm Felicia leaned over to the other maid's ear and whispered. Normal Felicia's fair face went beet red. "O-oh," she mumbled, looking downwards and clutching the frills of her skirt. "W-well what do you need us for, then?"

"We may not be able to enjoy ourselves, but _you_ can," Azura said, practically purring in the young woman's ear. "Not to mention your bodies are simply _adorable_." She floated backwards through Outrealm Felicia's torso, leering at the maid's skirt and giggling.

"Yeah, you two are really cute," Corrin added. "I'll love to be one of you."

"I'm sorry?" Outrealm Felicia said.

"Don't apologize," Azura said. "You don't have to be ashamed of your beautiful selves."

Outrealm Felicia raised her eyebrows. "Did you just say that you'd love to _be_ me?"

Corrin nodded. "Yep! We solve our love life dilemma by possessing people. We also use it to eat things! I've missed having a tongue."

"T-That's despicable!" Outrealm Felicia cried.

"You possess people's b-bodies and use them for yourself?" Normal Felicia asked. "That's incredibly evil!"

"Well, _duh_ ," Corrin said. "We're ghosts! This is the Ghostrealm! Of course we're evil. What'd you expect?"

"Ghosts don't have to be evil!" Outrealm Felicia said.

"Really?" Azura asked, quirking a brow. "How many friendly ghosts have you met?"

She frowned. "Okay, fine, but it's still not right!"

"Hah!" Corrin said, floating over to Outrealm Felicia. "You want to talk about 'not right'? Try being thrust into a war between two kingdoms, having _both_ kingdoms attack you for siding with neither, dying, and then being trapped a ghost, unable to leave your own dimension!"

He floated over to Normal Felicia, glaring. She stepped backwards, surprised.

"You can't leave?" she asked. "You're stuck in this Outrealm?"

Azura nodded. "Yes, unfortunately. Unless we're in a human body, we can't leave this Outrealm."

"I guess you could say we have no _body_ to go with!" Corrin added, grinning. Azura glared at him.

"Sorry." He dropped his shoulders. "But yeah, we're magically sealed in this Astral Plane unless we possess you two."

"How'd that happen, anyway?" Normal Felicia inquired. "You were human once, right? There was a gravesite listed on the brochure." She waved said flyer at the ghosts. "How'd you get stuck here?"

Corrin rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "About that…"

* * *

Azura was lying on her bed, asleep. Corrin quietly opened the door, sneaking into the room on his tiptoes.

"Heh. Sleeping…" He shook his head softly and grinned. Gently, he hopped up on the bed, scooting up towards the princess. He started to softly stroke her face, gently rousing the princess from her slumber.

"Mmhm," Azura said, moaning softly. "That feels so nice, Corrin…"

And then he slapped her.

"There are gentler ways of waking people up, you know!" she cried, shooting upwards in the bed.

He crossed his arms, ignoring the outburst. "I saw Saizo a few minutes ago."

Azura raised her eyebrows. "Oh? What's he been up to?"

"Milking the cows, apparently," Corrin replied. "He gave me milk. Oh, and apparently Midori and Asugi are getting married. Isn't that just adorable?"

"Aren't they a little young to be making decisions like that?" Azura asked. She paused, placing a slender finger on her chin. "Aren't they cousins?"

"I don't know, _Azura,_ " Corrin said, drawling out the last word like it was full of venom. " _Are they?_ "

"I don't know," she said, pursing her lips. "I'm not very good at familial trees."

"Well, let me give you a hint," Corrin said, grabbing the finger placed on her chin and using his own to raise her jaw upward. He stared his wife directly in the eyes. " _I am_. And yes, they are cousins. But you know what?" He leaned backward on the bed, resting his head on his arms. "Because they were _aware_ of all of this cousin business _before_ the marriage, it doesn't matter. Gee, I sure am glad that they know they're related to each other _before_ they're getting married!"

Azura looked at the ground. "How'd you find out?" she quietly asked.

"Lilith," Corrin said, sighing. "Nyx tried to revert her to human form and accidentally cast a truth-telling hex instead."

"Oh," Azura softly replied.

"Why didn't you TELL me?" Corrin screeched, slamming his fist on the wall behind the bed. "We have two kids, damn it! Do you know what happens to inbred kids?"

"Er," Azura eloquently said, her face turning pale.

"They have…issues!" Corrin shouted. "I took our kids to Sakura for a checkup, and our kids are fine, thank the gods, but what a risk, Azura! Why didn't you tell me?"

Azura sighed, putting her hands on her chin. She slumped forward. "I, um…"

"And not mentioning that I'm Vallite royalty?" he shouted. "What the hell? How do you leave that out? Couldn't you have simply told me that I was the heir to the throne when we were stuck down in Va-"

"No!" Azura shouted, pressing her hands to his mouth and tackling him to the ground. "Don't say it!"

Corrin pushed his wife off his person and onto the floor. "Why _can't_ I say Valla, Azura?" he asked.

Azura gasped, placing her hands on her mouth.

"Oh, come off it!" he snapped. "I am so _sick_ of skirting around these issues! I love you to death, Azura, but gods damn can you _please_ knock off the 'mysterious princess' act when you're around me?"

"I think you're…" she said, her eyes tearing up, "I think you're going to disappear into bubbles."

Corrin's brows furrowed. His right eyelid began to twitch rapidly, and his to descent into madness furthered. "You know what _I_ think, my dear _cousin_? Heehee! Hahaha! Haha-haha-hee-hee-hah!"

He pushed himself off his wife and stood up, staring straight at her as he reached for the doorknob and grinning like a lunatic. "I think I'm going to shout 'Valla' to the _whole damn world_!" he cried, running through the door and slamming it shut with a thud.

"Oh no," Azura whispered.

"Valla!" Corrin screeched, one of his hands still on the ladder. He hopped down onto the ground. "I am the prince of Valla!"

"Corrin, no!" Azura shouted, climbing down after him. "Stop it!"

He formed a one-man conga line, shaking his hips and kicking his legs. "Valla, Valla, Vall-a! Valla, Valla, Vall-a! I can do the cong-a! I am the prince of Vall-a!"

"Stop it, Corrin!" Azura cried. "Please!"

"Corrin, dear, I have a question!"

Camilla, appearing out of the blue, ran up to the prince and wrapped him up in a hug and squeezing the ever-loving life out of him. "Who do you like better: Ryoma or I?"

"Mmmph!" he replied. Two generous breasts dampened his face as he struggled against his sister's grip. A rapidly depleting oxygen supply certainly didn't help matters.

"Brother!" Ryoma cried, joining the fray. "You're more fond of me than Camilla? Right?"

Corrin popped his head out of Camilla's chest. He gasped, inhaling a large volume of air. "Ryoma! Camilla! I'm a Vallite!"

Camilla looked at Ryoma, then back at Corrin. She stared at Corrin for a moment. "You're just _so_ adorable!" she said, trying to shove him back into another hug.

"Stop that!" he said, ducking out of the path of his obsessive sister. Unfortunately, this resulted only in Ryoma embracing Corrin instead. Ryoma lifted Corrin upwards; Corrin's legs flailed in the air, kicking and trying to break free.

"Look, Corrin!" Ryoma said, hefting the prince from his back, "We're hugging! As true siblings do!"

"Oh, don't you pull the 'real sibling' card on me!" Camilla chided, walking up to the two and wagging her finger. "I'm just as much a sibling to Corrin as you are - if not more! I practically raised Corrin!"

"Wil you two cut it out?" Corrin cried, kicking free of Ryoma's death hold. "I'm related to _neither_ of you! I'm the son of Anankos and the prince of Valla!"

"Who's 'Anankos'?" Camilla asked, tilting her head.

"Oh," Ryoma muttered. "You found out."

Azura finally caught up to Corrin, leaping at him once again. Corrin calmly sidestepped and she landed in a heap on the ground, her blue hair splayed everywhere.

Camilla looked down at Azura, to Ryoma, then back at Corrin. She frowned. "Corrin, dear, what's a Valla?"

"I think I've heard of that before," Ryoma admitted. "Is that not that restaurant we visited back in Izumo?"

"No, no," Camilla corrected. "That was _Valhalla's_. This is _Valla_."

"Vala-h?" Ryoma asked.

"No," Corrin said. "Valla. Rhymes with the _Cala_ in _Calamari_."

"Ah," Ryoma said, nodding. "Valla!"

Azura rolled over, moaning. "Will you all _please_ stop speaking about Valla?" she yelled, squeezing her eyes shut. She opened her eyes, surprised. "Wait, no, I meant-"

And everyone in the Astral Plane turned into bubbles.

* * *

"So," the ghastly Corrin summarized, "it was a freak meteor accident."

"Really, now?" Azura asked. She glared at her husband.

"Yep," he affirmed, nodding. " _Freak. Meteor. Accident."_

"Does this mean that you're not going to possess us now that we've formed a bond?" Normal Felicia asked, tentatively poking her fingertips together.

Corrin glanced at Azura, then back at the Felicias. Suddenly, he and his wife broke out into hysterical laughter.

"Wow," Azura said, wiping off a drop of ectoplasm from her cheek, "I don't think I've laughed like that in quite some time. Thank you."

Corrin floated upwards, putting his hands outward and flying directly into Outrealm Felicia's chest. She gasped, her jaw staying opened. A vacant stare was visible in her eyes, their usual luster dulled.

"O-other me?" Normal Felicia asked hesitantly, staring at her alternate self. "What's wrong?"

"Woowwww!" the Felicia said, slowly opening and closing her mouth. Her face broke into a grin. She began to skip around, squealing happily and shaking her hands rapidly. "I'm alive again!"

She stopped skipping and started to feel the top of her neck, searching for an Adam's apple. "My gods, my voice is so high-pitched! Apple. Ahhh-ple." She furrowed her brows, using her hands to touch her face all over, squeezing and squishing her nose, ears and mouth rapidly.

She leaned over. "I like to eat _APPLES!_ " She then broke out into hysterics, laughing like crazy. "Gods!" she cried. "My voice is so _cute!_ Wait, do I look as cute as I sound?" She faced Normal Felicia.

" _FELICIA!"_ she yelled.

"Oops," she continued, coughing. "Sorry. Didn't mean to yell. New body, new vocal cords, you know? Anyway, can you get me a mirror?"

Normal Felicia (who was now _incredibly_ normal by comparison) began to slowly walk backwards, frowning. "Uh…"

"Oh, right!" the Corrin-possessed Felicia said. "Azura! Come join the possessed person party. Then we can find a mirror!"

The princess nodded, flying into the spare Felicia, who stopped moving for but a moment. Then the Felicia pursed her lips, raising her eyebrows. Her hands immediately went upwards to the back of her head. "Hair," she said softly. "I have hair."

"Yes, we have beautiful hair!" Corrin-in-Felicia said.

"Thank you," the Azura Felicia said, now sporting a very small smile. "But I'd like to grow it out longer, now that it's mine."

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun! I haven't had a body in _years!_ " the Corrin Felicia giggled. He glanced downward at his wife's now-human chest, which was oddly-yet-understandably identical to his own womanly bust. He rubbed his neck sheepishly. "Hey, um, do you mind if we…"

Azura-in-Felicia leaped at him, her mouth pressing against his.

* * *

"Did someone call for me?" Ghost Felicia said, floating through the closed wooden doors. She came to a halt, however, when she spotted two very pretty and extremely identical, living, and _oh so very naked_ versions of herself passionately kissing each other.

"Uh," the Felicia on the left said, raising her head. "This isn't what it looks like."

The one on the right nodded. "That's true. It's actually much worse. I'm Corrin. That's Azura."

Ghost Felicia looked between the two maids. "I don't think I've been involved in a more awkward situation in my entire afterlife," she admitted.

* * *

Author's Notes:

"Wow, Robotortoise!" you say, "What's your obsession with possessing and body-switching? You've brought it up, like, three times!"

Well, my dear hypothetical reader, it's quite simple. But first, we need to talk about parallel universes.

Like parallel universes, it's incredibly easy to make funny and wacky situations with, and the trope is criminally underutilized in Fire Emblem fanfiction. Presumably because there are only two supports in Awakening/Fates that actually use it.

Sumia and Henry switch bodies in _Awakening_ , and Soleil and Ophelia in _Fates_. The former is funny because it's probably the least romantic pairing in the game. It has Sumia being a spinster who buys a ring for herself. The latter support is funny because it involves Soleil trying to check herself out in Ophelia's body (And failing miserably, I might add. Duh. It wouldn't be funny if she was successful!).

It's also incredibly easy to mess with people and do stealthy stuff if you have an ability related to appearance or soul-altering shenanigans. For instance, the shapeshifter Xane in _Shadow Dragon_ uses his ability to mess with Tiki in one of their support-esque conversations. It's not very funny; I've seen a YouTube video of it, but uh… it's…it's something, I suppose.

I guess body-switching, replication, body duplication, and perhaps anything related to hexes or magic just have so much comedic potential _because_ they usually result in awkward and weird situations. And no one in Fates really does anything with them. The sky's the limit in a magic fantasy world for messing with people, and no one really does anything with 'em aside from a few outliers. Nyx/Niles, Odin/Selena, and the others mentioned above are the only ones I've seen to use magic in Fates supports.

Shame Orochi and Azama don't appear in this path, hmm? They'd be good candidates for messing with people using magic. Maybe I'll have to eventually bring some Izana in…

Oh, and no one guessed that the Felicias would get possessed. Huh. Generally, my thinking is this: there's like…three major things ghosts do. They possess things, possess people, and generally be spooky and annoying. I think I need to foreshadow better...

However, SIGF did correctly guess it'd have something to do with Valla, and Veymorak correctly guessed that it'd have Corrin be a ghost, so I've got to give you credit for that.

Oh, and a big thanks to The Apocryphal One for recommending this on the TV Tropes "Fire Emblem Fanfic Recommendations" page!

Speaking of, I've added like 33-ish fanfics I thought were really great onto it, so if you're looking for more Fire Emblem fics and don't want to wage through the typo-riddled mass messes, take a gander at that page, no? Maybe even add a fic or two you really enjoyed!

As always, I appreciate your criticism! Please let me know what you enjoyed and didn't this chapter. I'm looking to improve!

But, uh, please don't tell me that the Author's Notes was too long. I'm well-aware…

EDIT 6/5/2016: Made Author's Notes sound less attack-y.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	13. Convoys and Copies

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 13: Convoys and Copies**

* * *

"Wow," Female Corrin said, leaning forwards. "You bought aphrodisiacs from Midori and then switched bodies with Jakob and used his body to drug our tea? How fascinating!"

"What an awkwardly-worded piece of exposition," Male Corrin leaned onto his palm. "There's no need to sum up everything so concisely."

"I suppose not," Female Corrin replied, shrugging. "But I felt that if I didn't, someone somewhere may have missed out on some crucial information."

"Stop leaning," Male Corrin mumbled.

Female Corrin straightened her posture, her back no longer arcing. "Oh, oops. I don't want to have a bad back. Thanks, boy Corrin!" She tapped her chin, turning to face Rhajat. "So, tell me. Why exactly did you drug us?"

Jakob grinned devilishly, rubbing his fingertips together. "I love Corrin. Naturally, I was trying to get the both of you to-"

"Make twin Kanas?" Male Corrin interjected.

"The hell is a Kana?" Jakob spat. "No, I was trying to get you two to do the unspeakable! Because of the intense lovemaking session that would have unfolded with your alternate self, you'd finally be able to understand the pure, untainted love I feel for you, Corrin."

"Let me get this straight, Rejamarino. You wanted me to bone myself so I would feel my _own_ loving, which would somehow make me feel _your_ love for me. Is there an Outrealm where that makes sense?"

"Why'd you have to switch bodies with Jakob to drug our tea?" Female Corrin asked. "Couldn't have you done that part without body-switching shenanigans?"

"The _real_ Jakob doesn't let anyone else make tea for 'his' master. He taste-tests everything before he serves it to you," Jakob rolled his eyes. "He dreads you being poisoned."

"A fear that wasn't completely unfounded, seeing as you drugged us," Female Corrin noted.

"Isn't drugging people, like, super illegal?" Male Corrin asked.

Female Corrin shook her head, exhaling softly. "We're in the Astral Plane. According to my lawyer, mortal laws need not apply here."

Male Corrin suddenly snapped his head upwards. "Hey, wait a second! Reject, how'd you know all this stuff about Jakob?"

"She stalks me," Female Corrin replied dejectedly. "It's incredibly annoying."

"It's proof of our love," Rhajat insisted, frowning.

"Not at all. It's proof you belong in a madhouse!"

Male Corrin's rosy eyes lit up. "Hey, I know them! They drew the event scene artwork in the previous game!"

Female Corrin narrowed her eyes, glaring at him.

He looked at his bare feet, touching his toes together. "I… Er, sorry. Meta joke."

Rhajat's eyes narrowed. "Well maybe if _someone_ hadn't ditched me in what was effectively a graveyard, I wouldn't be like this!"

Hayato didn't respond to the accusation. He opted to bury his face into his hands.

Male Corrin frowned. "I don't get it."

"She thinks that if she were raised in a normal, non-graveyard environment, she wouldn't have gods-awful social skills," Hayato replied softly.

"You'd talk that way about your own daughter?" Female Corrin asked, shaking her head. "How rude."

Hayato jerked his head out of his hands, slamming his palm on the table. "Don't you tell me how to talk about my kid, you deranged doppelganger-banger!"

Male Corrin sat up from his chair. "Well, I'm going to see if I can't break up a fight between two stubborn swordsmen. But before then," he paused and looked to Hayato, "you should probably ground Rahooey."

"Hey!" Hayato cried. "I'm an adult. You can't tell me what to do!"

"The adult doth protests too much, methinks," Male Corrin said, grinning impishly. "But yeah, actually, I totally can, man. I'm an alternate version of your boss! Technically, I could order you to eat nothing but grass for the next forty-two hours."

"Hmph," Hayato groaned. He pointed a stubby finger at the female Corrin. "But she can nullify the order, right?"

"Why the hell would I do that?" Female Corrin asked, scrunching her face. "Your daughter tries this type of crud weekly!"

Rhajat recoiled. "Oh, that is clearly false!"

"Remember the Einherjar version of myself I found a week back?"

Rhajat faltered. "I-I…she wasn't a real person! Einherjar don't have feelings!"

"Then why did you have to order 'it' to make love to you?"

Rhajat stared down at the very interesting floor.

"And on _that_ incredibly fucked-up note, I shall be taking my leave!" Male Corrin declared, slamming the private quarters' door shut.

* * *

"Ow!" Xander cried. He was straddled and repeatedly smacked in the face by Ryoma. "Stop slapping me, bastard!"

"Never, Nohrian!" Ryoma replied, using his hand to once more grace Xander's cheek with his palm. He then proceeded to elbow Xander in the face.

"You're taking - _ow_ \- the easy way out!" Xander cried. "What about the way of the samurai? Are you not exceptionally noble? Were those rumors false?"

He punched Xander in the nose. "I already _gave_ you a chance to retaliate! I was incredibly fair, and I _still_ downed you immediately!"

"Ow," Xander moaned, his nose spewing blood. "Fine, then. There's no use laying down my life in a world where I don't belong. I surrender. You win, Crown Prince of Hoshido."

Ryoma grinned and brought out a hand. Xander promptly grabbed it and hefted himself upwards.

Back in the popcorn gallery, a few spectators groaned.

"Aww," Orochi whined. "It's over already? How drab."

"And no one died!" Reina said, crossing her arms. "How disappointing. I had assumed it was going to be a fight to the death. Just imagine the cries of a Nohrian prince agonizing over his defeat as Raijinto was plunged into his torso! Oh, how exquisite!"

Orochi put a hand on her hip. "Reina, would that truly be honoring Lady Mikoto's last wishes?"

Reina sighed. "No, I suppose it would not. A murderer does not make for a good king. If conflict can be solved peacefully, it should be."

"Just ask the Nohrians," Takumi said, walking up to the duo. "Their king's a real piece of work."

"Truly," Azura said, nodding. "King Garon is not a nice man by any measure. Shall we start our war council preparations now that this event is over?"

"Hey," Takumi said, frowning. "You're not in charge around here!"

Azura bowed her head slightly. "I apologize."

"Yes. Well," he said, coughing into his fist, "shall we start preparing for the war meeting?"

Azura frowned, tilting her head. "Didn't I just-"

"Come on, gang!" Takumi called, using his hands to herd the Hoshidians. "Time for the war meeting!"

The crowd dispersed, most following Takumi's guidance. Occasionally, an army member would walk up to Anna and take a few golden coins from the smiling merchant's palm.

"That went well," Ryoma said, a very slight smirk on his visage.

"Hey, that's my line!" Male Corrin cried out as he hustled out to meet the prince. "What the heck, Ryoma?"

"Corrin?" Xander asked, patting down his bedsheet-covered beauteous bottom. "You're back!"

"And fully clothed!" he replied, putting his hands on his hips and grinning. "Hey, who won your little game?"

Xander sighed. "It was not a game, brother."

Ryoma nodded. "Correct. It was a fight to the death."

Corrin looked between the two princes, frowning. "But you're both-"

"Ryoma won!" Anna called out as she leaped over Mozu. She was sporting a hefty cloth bag over her right shoulder. "And I made mountains of money off it!"

"You bet against me?" Xander asked, raising an eyebrow.

She grinned, shaking the bag in her hand, the clinking of coins audible. "Nope! I take a percentage of each bet as part of a merchant's fee."

He frowned. "Gambling is illegal in Nohr. I would not know."

She tapped her chin in a steady rhythm. "Hm, and I wonder whose fault that is?"

He eyed her. "My father's. I'm a prince, not a king, Anna."

"Duh," Corrin added, waving his hand. "Even _I_ knew that."

"Well excuuuse me, princes," Anna replied, rolling her eyes. "I'm a merchant, not a politician."

"I thought you were a swordsman," said Ryoma.

Corrin shook his head. "I thought you were an assassin."

"Okay, firstly, I'm a swords _woman_. See the hair?" Anna pointed to her ponytail. "And secondly, I have many hobbies, sure, but none are related to politics."

"Takumi's a man and he has a ponytail," Corrin pointed out.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Ryoma asked, motioning towards Anna. "She's _clearly_ a woman."

"No offense," Corrin said, clearly about to say something incredibly offensive, "but how'd you lose the fight, Xander? You're like, ten levels higher than Ryoma is right now thanks to all those Faceless you killed a while back." He paused. "Or would it be 're-killed'?"

"It's because of this deranged outfit," Xander said, glancing downward and pinching the fabric on his chest. "In this class I can attack well at range, but I'm incredibly weak when attacking with Siegfried." He pulled the sword out from its sheath, staring at the metal.

"Hm," Anna said, ducking underneath the blade and giving it a once-over. "If I were you, I'd be glad you're even _able_ to wield it. As a mechanist, you really shouldn't be able to use blades in combat at all."

"Unless it's a real-time cutscene!" Corrin amended. "You can use your sword in those."

"For the sake of the story consistency," said Anna. "He's right."

"Yeah, what she said," Corrin said. He frowned, whipping his head around to face the assassin. "Wait, how the hell did you know what I was talking about? You're supposed to be bewildered by my fourth wall-breaking tomfoolery, not partake in it!"

She shrugged, jostling the cloth bag. "I'm an Anna, love. Imaginary barriers mean nothing to me."

"Show-stealer."

"Xander," Anna said, "if you don't like the weaknesses of the mechanist class, why don't you class change back into a paladin? You'll get to keep the replicate skill."

"I'd appreciate that," Xander said. "Though I really don't care much about the replicate skill, if I'm honest with myself."

"Aw, come on!" Corrin said. He glimmered, and a Replica appeared on his right. Both Corrins grinned at the Nohrian. "It's super fun to mess with, Xander!"

Xander shrugged. "It simply doesn't appeal to me. Sorry."

The Corrins frowned.

"Party pooper," the one on the left said.

The Corrin on the right reached his right hand forward, and a small white portal suddenly popped up next to it. The Corrin stuck his hand inside.

"Heart Seal, Heart Seal," he murmured. "Where'd I put that thing again?"

"What in the world is that?" Xander asked, pointing at the small portal.

"Convoy," the Corrin on the right nonchalantly replied.

"Fine, then. I'm not even going to question this kind of ordeal anymore."

Ryoma raised an eyebrow. "You're accepting 'convoy' as an answer?"

Xander scowled in Ryoma's direction and he pointed to Corrin. "Did you forget that we metaphorically and literally caught him with his pants down just a few minutes back? Some questions I really don't _want_ the answers to."

"I _wish_ I'd forgotten," Ryoma admitted, exhaling and closing his eyes. He shook his head from side to side. "I don't wish to recall my sister's male counterpart... _clothesless_."

The right Corrin nodded. "I can sympathize. But what about seeing _your_ Corrin naked? You know, the female one? Do you find that appealing?"

Ryoma recoiled. "She's my sister!"

Both Corrins shrugged. "So?"

Ryoma paled, his face becoming a vivid hue that matched his armor.

The Corrins giggled, grinning at each other. "I know _someone_ who wants an S-level support!" the one on the right said. The left one reached over for a high-five, which the one on the right eagerly returned.

Xander rubbed his temples.

"With that incredibly awkward conversation out of the way, I will be taking my leave," Ryoma slowly replied. He started to walk away from the party, shaking his head and muttering gibberish.

"Thank you!" one of the Corrins cried out.

"You are certainly not welcome!" Ryoma replied, his voice fading into the distance. "Please, do not come back!"

"Hm," the right Corrin said. He removed his hand from the portal to reveal a heart seal. "Hey Xander, catch!"

He tossed the ball to the prince, who caught it one-handed with relative ease. Xander hefted it into the air and a flash of white lightning blinded the group.

"Ow," Anna mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "Warn a gal before you do something like that, will you?" She opened her eyes and then took a step back, balking. "How…?"

"Uh," the left Corrin said, "even I don't have a response to this one."

The right Corrin nodded, pointing at the left Corrin. "What the left one said."

"What is it?" Xander asked, perched atop his giant, jet-black steed. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"You're on a horse," the right Corrin pointed out.

Xander blinked. "Yes, and what of it?"

"You just picked up a horse out of thin air," Anna said, jaw agape.

"How the hell did you do that?" the right Corrin sputtered. "Even the convoy can't do _that_!"

Xander shrugged, grasping the horse's reins with one hand. "Magic?"

"No, magic doesn't work like that," left Corrin said. "I've read up on magical theory. This is nothing similar."

Suddenly the right Corrin toppled over, a human-shaped missile having breached his side. "Lord Corrin!" the missile shouted, embracing him tightly.

"H-hey, Jakob!" he choked out. "What's up?"

"Oh, Lord Corrin!" Jakob cried, squishing the prince against him. His eyes were wet with tears. "I thought I'd lost you forever!"

Corrin hugged the butler back, arms tightening. "Aw, that's so sweet of you, Jakob! I've missed you too!"

"Lord Xander!" Laslow yelled, running up to the group. "Have you found our Lord Corrin?" Odin followed him.

Xander nodded, pointing to the man in question. "Yes, he's right here."

"Then let's head off!" Odin shouted, pointing a finger upwards. He paused. "Er, I don't intend to order you around, Lord Xander! I only meant-" He frowned, staring at both Corrins. "Wait, why are there two of you, Lord Corrin?"

"Replicate," they replied in unison. The Corrins then merged. The right Corrin - the replica - instantaneously faded out of existence.

"See?" the remaining Corrin said. We were one person. It's a skill mechanists can utilize!"

"How bizarre," Laslow said. "Can you control both forms simultaneously?"

Corrin nodded. "Yep! It's rather easy, too. I think that might have something to do with having two brains while I'm doing it."

"Intriguing," Laslow said, smiling. "Imagine all of the ladies I could woo if I had _that_ ability! Perhaps I should reclass."

Xander faced Anna and Corrin. "Are you ready to leave?"

"Yep!" Anna said, grinning. "I made a tidy profit!"

"I've done everything I came here to do," Corrin said. He was unable to move at a fast pace, however, as his butler continued to hold him in a constricting embrace, so he waddled forwards like a penguin, Jakob moving his legs in sync with his.

"I thought you came here by accident, Lord Corrin," said Laslow.

Corrin nodded. "Yeah, and I've managed to accomplish quite a bit regardless of that!"

Jakob looked down at Corrin, still squeezing him tight. "What did you accomplish, milord?"

"Ooh, you're gonna like this, Laslow," Corrin said, grinning and moving each of his feet in rhythm with Jakob's to face the mercenary. "I stamped an alternate gender version of myself!"

"You did _what_?" Laslow cried.

"I made love to a beautiful woman that happened to be a parallel dimension version of me!" Corrin explained, grinning. "I mean, yeah, the actual sex was terrible, but hey, at least I can say I did it." His smile widened. "Man, Azura will be _so_ jealous!"

"Ohhh," said Laslow. "He means he 'hit on' her."

"Ohhh," the others said.

"For instance," said Laslow, "last night when I was with Camilla-" He stopped, looking at Xander, who was, as he now noticed, sitting atop a big-ass horse.

Xander intensely glared at Laslow. "No, no. Go on, Las- _low_ ," he goaded. "I want to hear what pleasant act you did with my sister last evening. Did you perhaps dine with her? Play a board game? Engage in coitus?"

Laslow's smile quickly diminished. "L-Lord Xander, when did you get your mount back?"

"About the same time you decided to _mount_ Camilla."

"B-but we're married, milord!" Laslow cried, raising his hands slowly. "That's what married couples do!"

Xander's right hand started shaking. He curled it up into a fist. "Anna," he said, "I would _really_ like to leave now. Otherwise, one might return to find that I've trampled a certain grey-haired mercenary."

Corrin put a finger on his chin, examining the heads of each group member. He pointed to Laslow. "I think he means _you_!"

Laslow sighed.

* * *

"Wow," Corrin said. He gazed into the endless Outrealm portals, each a different shade than the last. There were no walls here, only a deep green nothingness behind each uniform vortex.

Unfortunately for Corrin and co., the portals were not labeled with an indicator of which world they led to, and since there was no beginning nor end to the green passage, no one had any clue where they had originally entered from.

"There are so many portals!" Laslow said.

"Yes, that appears to be the case," Xander replied. "Should I ride ahead and search for ours?"

"What help would that be?" Corrin asked. "All of the portals look the same!"

"They're discrete hues," Odin added, shrugging. "Does that help us?"

"Do you remember what color our world's portal was?" Xander asked.

Odin looked downwards, scratching his blonde hair. "I suppose not, but…"

Xander exhaled. "Then I suppose we truly are lost."

"Stop being so melodramatic," Anna said, reaching inside her pocket. "I've got it all under control. Situations like these are why I carry my Levin Sword!"

"Hah!" Odin said. "What's a Levin Sword going to do to help us?"

Grinning, Anna tapped the hilt of the sword. A portal a few meters downward lit up for a moment, making a beeping noise.

"Did that portal just toot at us?" Jakob asked, scowling. With some persuasion from Corrin (as they had exited Female Corrin's realm single-file), Jakob had detached from him, instead opting to keep a firm hold on the prince's hand.

"Yep!" she chirped. "The Magical Levin Sword, an Anna family secret!"

"Aren't _all_ Levin Swords magical?" Odin asked.

"You know what I mean."

Jakob shook his head. "No, I'm afraid we do not."

"Hello!" two trill voices suddenly cried out in unison. "Excuse me sirs, but do you know which of these Outrealms has food in it?"

A pair of pink-auburn young women stood a few feet away, their hands clasped together. Remarkably enough, one of their ponytails was undone, and the young woman's hair fully covered her neck.

"Felicias!" Corrin cried, running over to them. A scowling Jakob followed behind, clutching Corrin's hand, not willing to detach himself from his liege just yet. Even if it meant going near two discrete instances of… _her_.

Corrin wrapped his right arm around the Felicias, leaning down into them to embrace them semi-properly. Jakob turned away and scoffed.

The Felicia with her hair down giggled as she settled into the embrace, wrapping her short arms around Corrin. "You're just as handsome as I remember," she said. She inhaled into his hair. "And you smell so _alive_!"

"Hey, now," Corrin chided as he straightened his back and playfully waggled his finger at her. "I'm not your Corrin. I'm married to Azura, remember?" He looked behind to where Anna was herding Xander, Odin, Laslow, and Xander's horse all into the correct portal.

Anna nodded to Corrin. 'Are you ready to leave?' she mouthed.

Corrin raised his hand, putting up two fingers.

Anna put up her own two fingers, grinning. 'Peace!' she silently yelled.

'No!' he mouthed, shaking his head. 'Two minutes!'

She nodded, giving him a thumbs-up. 'Okay!'

Corrin faced the maids. "I think we're going to have to keep the both of you for right now. Unfortunately, most of my team seems rather exhausted. We'll house you guys in the soldier's barracks until we can figure out which Outrealm you came from." He frowned, looking between the two. "Um, which one of you is from the Outrealms again? I appreciate that you put your hair down to help differentiate between the two of you, but…"

The Felicias blinked.

Sighing, Corrin put his hand on his face. "Look, which one of you is married to me?"

The Felicias made no movement.

"In your world," he clarified.

"Huh? Oh, we're married to each other," the Felicia with a ponytail said.

The other Felicia elbowed her. "Ow!"

Corrin tilted his head. "Huh?"

"What my _other self_ had intended to say," the Felicia with her hair down clarified, "is that we are married in, er, _spirit_. Not literally married." At the mention of spirits, the ponytail Felicia coughed to balling her hand in a fist and hitting it against her chest.

"You're…married?" Corrin asked, frowning. "Are you two the same Felicias we brought over here?"

"Did your Felicias get fed on a regular basis?" the ponytail Felicia asked.

"Of course," Corrin responded. "I'm an employer, not a slave driver!"

"That's us, then!" she said, grinning and grabbing Corrin's free hand, which he released with a shrug. "Come on, me-er, Corrin! Let's go eat together as maid, another maid, and employer!"

"Sounds nice to me," Corrin said, shrugging and walking over to Anna. "As long as neither of you are the ones cooking."

Corrin, Jakob, and the Felicias walked inside the glowing portal. Glancing from side to side to make sure there were no stragglers, Anna jumped in with them.

* * *

Author's Notes:

This chapter didn't have as much game-related humor, but I'm more or less setting things up for later on. Next chapter will be focused on replicate, because contrary to the title, I haven't actually played with it all that much. S.S. Replicate, set sail!

Oh, and this story is scheduled to be featured in _Corrin Reacts!_ at some point. So if you're interested in another Fire Emblem Fates fic that doesn't take itself too seriously, check that out. It's pretty funny!

As always, reviews, feedback, ideas, requests, etc. are appreciated immensely!

So far my request list of characters is the following: Arthur. Beruka. I'm going to have a group scene soon, so if you have a Nohrian favorite (or a Takumi Einherjar) you want to see, let me know! I can't promise they'll have more than a few lines at most, but…

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	14. Sexual Education

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 14: Sexual Education**

* * *

The Astral Plane's sun was setting and all visible light was fading. The party of one loud hero, an easily-flustered philanderer, a sarcastic servant, an Anna assassin, twin trouble-making possessed maids, and a draconic doofus walked onto their home - the Astral Plane, now freed from the annoyingly mundane horrors of the multiverse.

"Hello, friends!" Corrin shouted. Normally when he shouted out, someone would greet him when he called out, if only for the person to then ask for an accessory to wear. However, no one did as such. "I said _hello_!"

Again, no one responded, and Corrin raised an eyebrow. Only the buzzing of the cicadas could be heard. "Huh. I didn't know the Astral Plane housed insects."

"How odd," Odin said. "Are our compatriots located in the shops?"

"No," Corrin said. "I guess they're still attending the sexual education lecture.

"Sexual education?" asked Laslow.

Corrin nodded. "Yep. I hired some foreigners to teach the basics to our army after the fifth or so baby was born. I figured it'd be a good thing to know."

"Funny that you, out of all people, didn't get the memo," Xander said.

"I'd be too uncomfortable to attend, anyways," Laslow admitted, shrugging. "Casual discussions about sex are just so embarrassing!"

Anna sighed. "And we all know that you would never want _anyone_ to be uncomfortable, Laslow."

Laslow brightened. "Exactly! Thank you for understanding, Anna. You truly are as beautiful in soul as you are in appearance."

Anna shook her head; her ponytail inadvertently smacked her cheek.

"Moving on," Xander said, "we _are_ sure this is the correct Outrealm, yes?"

Anna nodded. "Yep. This is your world, all right." She turned around. "Well, goodbye. I'm off, headed to the Dragon's Gate."

Laslow put a hand out. "Wait! Anna. Before you leave, I have a question."

Anna halted in place, turning her head. "Shoot."

"Where do you sleep?"

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Are you coming on to me?"

"No!" He frowned. "Well...yes, partially. But you never show up in the soldier's barracks! You spend all your time near that Dragon's Gate. You can't possibly rest comfortably on that cold stone floor. Where do you sleep?"

Anna shook her head. "Oh, I don't need sleep at all. I'm an Anna."

Laslow blinked. "Well, that was entirely unhelpful."

She giggled. "I'm an Anna, dear."

"So?" Jakob asked. He'd released his grip on Corrin's hand and was now straightening his vest.

"You guys don't know what Annas are?" Anna questioned, a finger placed on the bottom of her chin. "Come on. Someone guess!"

"It's your…name?" one of the Felicias said. "Is that right?"

"Huh?" Anna paused, tapping her finger at a steady pace. "Well, yes, but I'm also an Anna."

"Can you please stop saying 'Anna'?" asked Jakob

"Oh," Corrin said, nodding. He smiled. "I get it! Your species is an Anna."

Xander planted his hand on his face. "Brother, that is one of _the_ most ridiculous things I have ever-"

"Actually," said Anna, "he's one-hundred percent correct. Annas are a species."

Corrin pumped his fist into the air. "Woo-hoo! I was right about something!"

Xander coughed, pounding his fist against his chest. "I'm sorry, come again?"

Jakob, Anna, Laslow, Odin, and the Felicias gawked at Anna.

"What?" she asked. "We're a species! You know, like wolfskin! Or kitsune!"

"You certainly look human enough," Odin grumbled.

"So do wolfskin," Anna replied. "Didn't you wonder why we all looked alike?"

"No, the kitsune have cute fluffy little ears," Xander said.

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "What's a kitsune?"

"A fox person."

"Ah," Corrin said. "I'd like to meet one someday!"

Anna exhaled. "I'm sure you will…"

"What was that?" Corrin asked.

"Nothing."

The Felicia with a ponytail shook her head. "Um, excuse me… I hate to interrupt, but I'm quite famished. Can we please eat soon?"

Corrin nodded. "Good idea. Let's reunite with the others and sit in on the remaining lesson. Then we can eat dinner!"

However, before the assassin could leave or the party could walk much deeper into the Astral Plane, they ran into a familiar face: Robin of the Shepards, to be precise. He stormed up to Corrin, his white eyebrows furrowed.

"I quit, Corrin!" Robin shouted, waving his hands rather rapidly. "I can't deal with your moronic men anymore!"

Seeing the gorgeous man in front of them, both Anna and the longhaired Felicia perked up.

"Well _hello,_ handsome!" Anna said, grinning widely and putting a hand onto her hip. "What brings you over to this part of the Outrealms?"

"I don't have time for sexy games, Anna!" Robin snapped. "This is between me and Corrin!"

The longhaired Felicia started to fan herself with her hand. "I don't remember the corporeal looking this attractive," she muttered to her ponytail-sporting counterpart, who only shrugged.

Robin gripped Corrin's green mechanist cloak and pulled him closer. The tactician's eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes bloodshot and veiny. "Do you _know_ what type of crap I've had to deal with over the past few hours, Corrin?"

Corrin's smile dipped. "Err…"

"Deeprealms!" Robin shouted, shoving Corrin off him and throwing his hands into the air. "It's all about the fucking Deeprealms with your army! You know what happens when you ask someone from your moronic army what a condom is?" He grasped Corrin again, this time by the outfit's cuff. "They say 'Why use birth control when I can shove my child into a _pocket dimension_?' I'm not a bastion of morality by any means, but even I have a line that can be crossed when it comes to _children_ , gods damn it!"

"I'm certain no one in our army actually said that," Xander said. "Surely you jest."

Robin narrowed his eyes. "Do I _look_ like the type of tactician who would exaggerate?"

Xander scanned Robin's strange cloaked ensemble. "Quite frankly? Yes. Your outfit is quite cryptic."

"Oh, shove off!" Robin shouted. "I can do or wear whatever I want! I'm technically a prince! Hell, in some universes I'm a _double_ prince! Or a god! Or a queen! Don't tell me what I can and can't wear, blondie."

"A queen?" the ponytail Felicia asked.

"Outrealms," Corrin, Robin, and Anna said simultaneously. Laslow smacked his forehead.

"Regardless, I'm sure my fellow soldiers are simply unaware of what a-," Xander frowned, "con-dom is."

"Gods!" Robin shouted, smacking the top of his head and pinching it. "Have _any_ of you morons taken basic sexual education?"

"Um," Corrin said, hesitantly raising a finger, "that's kind of why I hired you to teach it."

Robin reached into his coat and threw a handful coins at Corrin's torso. "Then take your stupid freaking coins back! I'm going on a vacation to the Outrealms. Gods know I need one after _this_ mess." He started to walk in the direction of the Dragon's Gate.

"Wait!" Xander cried, his hand raised. "If you're not supervising the other army members, who is?"

"Really?" Robin said, turning his head. "They need someone to supervise them like a bunch of small children?"

Xander shook his head, thoughts of Peri filling his mind. "Unfortunately."

Robin sighed. "Well, whatever. I just picked some poor unlucky sap and told him he was in charge. Anyhow, I'm going to see if I can't find a beach Outrealm. Preferably one where I'm married to a smoking hot babe." He paused. "Or maybe I can pal around with Kellam and see if he can't take some sneaky hot springs pictures with that snapshot tome of Anna's."

Anna pursed her lips. "Who's Kellam and why does he have my Snapshot Tome?"

"Ciao, losers!" Robin yelled as he started walking to the Dragon's Gate.

Corrin frowned. "Chow on what now?"

Odin rubbed his head. "He picked 'some poor, unlucky sap'?"

Xander's eyes widened. "Gods…"

* * *

Arthur stood at the front of the mess hall. It was being used as a classroom temporarily, as there weren't many places in the Astral Plane that could house so many bodies at once. He had a glimmering smile on display, trying not to show how completely and utterly nervous he was. The rest of the Nohrian men sat on the other side of the room, most looking crestfallen. One particularly young boy in a luchador mask was rather enthusiastic, however.

Arthur put his hands on his hips, tilting his head up. "What is going on, fellow purveyors of justice? Like you, I also want to spread smiles to the world with…" He glanced down at the parchment in his hands. "Sexual education! For instance, today we're going to discuss how the principles of justice can be applied to-" He furrowed his brows, frowning. "…The vagina? Is that right?"

A few mouths in the room giggled.

Arthur stared at the parchment in his hands. Suddenly and inexplicably, it caught on fire. Sighing, he quickly dropped the parchment on the ground and began to stomp on it.

He clasped his hands together. "Right! Now to continue teaching about…" He frowned, realization settling in - the curriculum parchment in question was now lying on the floor and charring and was quite unreadable in its current state. "Er… What exactly am I supposed to be teaching here?"

Sighing, Niles pushed away from his table and strode to the front of the room. "Let me take care of this, Arthur. I know anything to everything about the topic at hand."

Arthur frowned. "I promised sir Robin that I'd instruct in his place. I can't go back on a promise."

"No, I suppose not," Niles said. He grinned wickedly. "Say, that gives me an idea. How about we do this together, Arthur? I handle the naughty material, and you can just…" He looked Arthur up and down. "Well, you can stand there, I suppose."

Arthur hesitated. "I'm not sure if…"

"You can bring your son up," Niles said, pointing to the rambunctious boy that was bouncing in his seat. "Look at how positively adorable he is! Like an angel, that one. I'm sure he'd keep my naughty mouth in line."

Arthur sighed. "I suppose so. Percy, get up here!"

The boy grinned, leaping out of his seat and using each desk as a platform, leaping over the heads of multiple people. He hopped down, standing with his hands on his hips, next to his father's side. "Sorry to keep you waiting!"

Arthur grinned, tussling the boy's hair. Percy giggled. "We can chat later, Percy." He pumped his fist in the air. "But now it's time to teach!"

"Ooh," Niles said. "Looks like it's a three-way now, hm?"

Arthur wrapped his arms around the boy protectively. "Please don't speak like that around my son."

"D'aww," Niles cooed. "Is big bad Arthur worried I'm going to destroy his precious son's innocence?"

Arthur shook his head. "I take it back. This was a terrible idea. Go back to your seat, sidekick."

"Aww, I have to sit back down?" Percy asked. "But I've been sitting all day!"

"You can ride Ace," Arthur offered.

"Okay!" said Percy, running back to his spot and jumping into the chair. "I can't wait to fly by myself!"

Niles sighed. "Is there someone else who'd be willing to lend a hand in place of the boy?"

Kaze spoke up. "Why do we need three people teaching?"

"You'll see, comrade," Niles said, grinning. He also winked. No one quite understood the gesture.

Silas instantly shot up. "Did you say something about Corrin? I'll help!"

"Ah," Niles said, grinning. "How perfect! Lord Corrin's submissive partner in the flesh! Come, join us. Make this into a party."

"I'm loyal, not submissive," Silas said as he walked up to the front of the room, standing between Arthur and Niles. He nodded. "What can I do to help?"

Niles turned away from the two, lifting his arms into a 'T' pose. He smiled ravenously. "Strip me."

Arthur and Silas stared.

"Excuse me?" Silas asked. "D-did you just say you wanted us to-"

"Strip me," Niles said, nodding. "That is correct."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Is this another one of your games, Niles?"

"Of course not. The curriculum," he explained, picking up and shaking the burned parchment, "said to show off a figure of the male body and explain the various parts, and I figure I'm as good a specimen as any, scars and all."

"You're serious," Arthur said.

Silas frowned. "You managed to read the parchment before our friend here lit in on fire?" He jerked his thumb towards Arthur, who wilted slightly.

"I helped Lord Corrin develop the curriculum," Niles explained. "Of course I read it."

"You planned this from the beginning, didn't you?" Arthur asked.

Niles only grinned.

"Are you sure this is what Corrin intended?" Silas asked. "I think the parchment meant an example like a _drawing_ , not a person."

"I'm an example," Niles countered. "And I don't see why it wouldn't be appropriate. It's nothing any of you haven't seen before."

"I hate to admit it," Shigure added from the rear of the room, "but he does have a point. We're all men. We've all been in the hot springs together at one point or another."

"That's true," Silas said, shaking his head, "but won't we have to… You know, wouldn't we have to point _parts_ out _?_ "

Shigure shook his head. "I'm not sure I follow."

"You know…the various parts of, uh…" He looked around, turning his head from left to right, as if he was about to reveal a closely-guarded secret of the ancients. "You know, the _penis_."

Shigure shrugged. "I don't see what's so strange about that. I've done nude painting before. The body is beautiful in its natural state."

"Shigure, we all know you only want to see his scars," said Leo.

"I haven't used much red lately," Shigure admitted. "I do desire a bit of inspiration. However, I don't see how that invalidates my points, Lord Leo."

"This is a disaster," Arthur mumbled.

"No thanks to you," Silas fired back.

Arthur frowned. "How is this my fault?"

"Your awful luck isn't helping us here," Silas said. "If you hadn't managed to set that parchment on fire we wouldn't be in this mess."

Arthur pointed to Niles, who was still standing with his arms outward and smirking. "He's the one that wants to be stripped!"

"Because the parchment told me to," Niles said. "I wouldn't do this on my own free accord."

"Oh, shut up," Silas said. "You wrote the parchment!" He turned to Arthur. "You're right. This whole thing _is_ Niles's fault!"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Kaze said, standing up. "Just use the poster!"

Niles, Arthur, and Silas all looked towards the ninja.

"The poster!" Kaze said, pointing a finger at the chalkboard. "It's right there!"

Sure enough, a well-detailed diagram of the male genitalia was tacked onto the chalkboard. Beside it lay a similar poster of the female parts.

"I don't know how we missed that," Silas said, frowning.

Shigure rested his head on his hands, sighing. "What a shame. I truly did want to see those scars."

Leo rested his hand on his face. "Shigure, if you'd like to paint Niles in the nude, why don't you just ask?"

Niles nodded. "Why, I'd be happy to spend some one-on-one time with you, dear Shigure. Especially if said time involves me cavorting naked and you holding onto a long, hard-"

"Okay, enough," Leo said, shaking his head. "We get it."

"Paintbrush," he finished.

"And that's precisely _why_ I didn't ask," Shigure said with a quiet sigh.

* * *

"Well," Corrin said, "I suppose the men will come with me to the mess hall. The women can head to the hot springs."

"I think I misheard you," Laslow said, shaking his head, "Did you just say that the women are in the hot springs? All of them?"

"Yeah," Corrin said, shrugging. "The woman in charge of the female sex-ed wanted the pool… Er, the hot springs… For some reason."

Laslow grinned. "All of our army's gorgeous ladies together in the hot springs…? Now _that_ would be a sight to see!"

Odin lightly punched Laslow in the shoulder. "Our _daughters_ are in there."

Laslow's goofy grin remained steadfast. "True, but so our wives. I can only imagine that they're wearing nothing at all. Camilla is sparkling in the moisture, her face flush and her cleavage dripping with water droplets."

"Please don't talk about my sister like that," Corrin said, frowning. "It's creepy."

"With all due respect, Lord Corrin," Laslow said, "she's _my_ wife. And it's not like you don't talk that way about Azura…constantly."

Corrin shrugged. "I'm in a position of power, Laslow. I can talk about how clammy my armpits are right now and no one is supposed to bat an eyelash."

Laslow paled, taking a step back. "What does that have to do with anything, Lord Corrin?"

"Nothing, really," he admitted, sniffing his armpit. "My pits just stink."

"Ew," Anna said.

Xander faced her. "Weren't you leaving?"

Anna shrugged. "Eh, the discussion was just getting interesting. I have nothing on my agenda. Keep talking, weirdos."

"Mhm…" Corrin said dreamily. "I bet Azura's in there, too, completely naked. Her hair is sopping wet, all heavy from the moisture and just itching to be played with…"

"I can imagine Effie's forearms right now," Odin said, sighing wistfully. "So supple, so muscular, and so mountainous, ready to grasp me and pound-"

Xander coughed, expelling the three from their own vivid imaginations. They each looked down sheepishly.

"Well," Xander said, raising an eyebrow. "That entire discussion was extremely inappropriate. Laslow? You're under house arrest for the night."

Laslow whimpered. "Why is it always me?"

"You egged them on."

"Aw, come on, Lord Xander!" Laslow whined. "Don't pretend you're not imagining a special someone in the hot springs."

Xander nodded. "That is correct. I am not."

"What about +8 strength, +5 spee... Corrin coughed. "What about Charlotte? Don't tell me the idea of her naked doesn't excite you, brother!"

Xander quickly turned around. "We're done talking about this."

Laslow raised an eyebrow. "Oh my! Lord Xander, are you _blushing_?"

Xander's cheeks were indeed rosier than usual. "We are done talking about this, Laslow!"

* * *

Inside the hot spring building, all the Nohrian women were fully covered and clothed aside from Camilla, who was in her usual state of armor undress. The women were sitting along the perimeter of the completely-drained hot spring.

A red creature bumbled around inside the dried-up pool, occasionally finding itself face first in a wall. It had piercing red eyes, a scent that smelled intensely of rotting flesh, and a face that would have looked entirely human, if not slightly dead. Its irises weren't sporting a normal hue, instead glowing a dark red. The creature could obviously not see well, as the pitiable thing kept moaning each time it ran into one of the hot spring's walls.

"Can anyone tell me which variety of monster this is?" Lucina asked from her vantage point above the pool. She was pointing at the monster with her sword, Falchion. "How about you, Sev-"

Selena put her hands in an "X" formation, shaking her head back and forth violently.

Lucina nodded. "Oh, right. You want me to use your nickname! I apologize."

Selena buried her face into her hands.

"Selena," Lucina said. "You know this monster. Can you tell me what it's called?"

"Do you know this woman?" Camilla asked, tilting her head.

Selena sighed. "Yes, unfortunately. Lucina, it's is a Risen."

Lucina nodded. "That's correct, Sev-… Selena. Good job!"

Peri haphazardly ripped off a piece of meat from somewhere on her person and threw it inside the empty pool. The creature ran over to the piece and devoured it, making Peri giggle in approval.

"Please do not feed the Risen," Lucina said, walking over and snatching the remaining piece of meat from Peri, who pouted.

"Is a Risen a new variety of Faceless?" Camilla asked.

"No," Lucina said. "A Risen is a reanimated corpse from my home world. It's a brutal killing machination animated by magic with complete disregard for human life."

Forrest raised an eyebrow. "So it's a Faceless, then."

Lucina shook her head, her long dark blue hair waving in a manner that would've made Corrin melt. "No, it's a Risen."

Forrest furrowed his brows. "Are you sure? Because I'm pretty certain you just described a Faceless."

"No," Lucina said, walking up to the boy. "Risen."

"Faceless."

Lucina narrowed her eyes. "Risen!"

Forrest stood up. " _Faceless!"_

Lucina gripped his collar, yanking him forward. "I grew up surrounded by these damned things for a solid two years of my life. Believe me when I tell you that it is a _Risen_."

Selena frowned. "Forrest, why are _you_ here? This is the ladies' class! Get out!"

Forrest sighed. "Robin sent me."

Selena raised an eyebrow. "Did you tell him you were a-"

Forrest nodded. "Yes. He muttered something about a library and kicked me out regardless.'"

"What a jerk."

"That's not the Robin I know and love," Lucina said.

Selena stuck her tongue out. "Eww. Keep your strange alternate universe relationships in their own realm, Lucina."

Lucina turned to the remaining women. "Now then. Who'd like to help me pin the Risen down so we can examine its genitalia?"

"Oh, I _like_ this one," Camilla said, grinning.

* * *

"Men," Corrin said, "you will join up with the others in the mess hall. Felicia, Anna, and Felicia? You three are joining the women."

"No," Anna plainly stated. "I'm going back to the Dragon's Gate."

Corrin frowned. "Aren't you still on duty?"

She shrugged, walking away. "I don't work for you."

"Damn," Corrin said. "Should've bought her DLC." He faced the maids and pointed to them. "Remaining women, you can head to the bathhouse."

"Okay," the Felicia with the long hair said, starting to walk. She halted, looking over her shoulder. "Excuse me, dear-… Er, Lord Corrin? Where _are_ the hot springs, exactly?"

"You must be the Felicia from the other realm," Corrin said. "Felicia, could you please show yourself to the hot springs?"

Neither Felicia moved.

"Do neither of you remember where the hot springs are?" Corrin asked, raising an eyebrow. Both maids shrugged.

He sighed. "I suppose I'll accompany you, then." He shimmered for a moment, splitting himself into two.

The longhaired Felicia bit her lip, staring. The one with a ponytail gaped.

"What?" both Corrins asked. "You've seen me use replicate before."

"How did you _do_ that?" the ponytail Felicia asked, regaining control of her jaw.

The Corrin on the left shrugged. "Replicate. I… I just told you."

"Are you sure you're OK, Felicia?" the Corrin on the right asked. "You didn't eat any of your own cooking, did you?"

The Felicia with long hair clutched her skirt. "I'm a poor cook?"

"Oh, totally," the Corrin on the left said, nodding. "Your cooking is absolutely noxious. If there was a tier list for food, you'd be right at the bottom."

The longhaired Felicia bit her lip, but said nothing.

One of the Corrins started walking in the direction of the hot spring. "Well?" he asked. "Come on, Felicias."

Nodding at each other, the two maids joined him.

"Let's go, men!" the other Corrin said, sauntering off in the opposite direction, towards the mess hall. "Chaarrrrrge!"

Xander, Odin, and Jakob followed behind this Corrin.

* * *

Author's Notes:

I try and update every week, but I missed last week. Can't tell you why I had trouble writing. Would it be the fabled writer's block I've heard about?

…Possibly. But I think I was just distracted by the awesome /r/fireemblem and /r/fireemblemcasual Discord servers I discovered. Seriously, those guys are so cool.

Anyway, a sexual education class is something I've wanted to do for a while now, but I couldn't find an appropriate place to do it. I _was_ going to focus on replicate this chapter, but I realized that I couldn't exactly do that since everyone had to get out of sex ed first.

So I apologize if I dashed your hopes. I didn't intend to; honest! It just sort of…happened.

As always, please leave feedback, good or bad! I'm always looking for criticism.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar. This one was easier to do. I suppose this is where I truly started to improve.


	15. Azura Pops In

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 15: Azura Pops In**

* * *

Camilla and her two retainers were crouching down on the inside of the hot spring. Beruka and Selena both pinned a side of the grotesque Risen down, while Camilla herself had taken ahold of the creature's head, gripping the sides so it wouldn't bite either of them.

Lucina was standing nearby and using her signature sword to point out various specific parts on the creature. The Risen itself was butt naked, its clothes lying in shredded strips on the floor.

"Here," Lucina said, aiming her sword at the monster's exposed crotch, "you can see each of the monster's second seals. In most men, one is slightly larger than the other. That is normal."

"Is it supposed to be so shriveled?" Charlotte asked from her perch above. Everyone was seated above the pool, save for Lucina, Camilla, Selena, and Beruka. Some of the women had their legs hanging over the edge.

Lucina shook her head. "No. That would be from the lack of blood flow. It is dead, after all."

The monster shivered as Lucina once again pointed her sword at the creature, touching the skin on its neck but not piercing flesh.

"This is just about the most disgusting thing I've done all week," Selena muttered. "Maybe I could add this to my resume: held down a magically reanimated monster as it was used as a part of a lecture on sexual health."

Beruka quirked her head. "You are already in service to Lady Camilla. Why would you need to update your resume?"

"Ugh. That was _sarcasm_ , Beruka."

"Can you two quiet down?" Camilla instructed. "I want to hear more about the second seals."

Lucina, hearing her cue to continue, nodded. "Right. The second seal is the male equivalent to the master seals, which are located on women. We learned about those earlier today, if you'll recall. Unlike the master seals, however, the second seals are external; they're separated from the male's inner body to maintain coolness. As a side note, they are also extremely vulnerable and a good place to attack an opponent when engaged in heated combat."

To demonstrate her point, she kneed the Risen in the groin. The monster's head began to shake back and forth rather violently, and a soft moaning could be heard.

"See?" Lucina asked. "It even works on the undead."

"Now things are getting interesting!" Effie said, sitting upright. "Does hitting a man in his privates actually hurt him, or is the pain just in his head?"

Lucina shrugged. "I'm told it hurts intensely, but generally does not cause physical damage as long as you use a reasonable amount of strength."

"That means to be very careful, Effie," Charlotte clarified. "You would pop any man's 'second seal' off at full strength."

Effie grinned deviously and crossed her muscular forearms. "I suppose I would, huh?" She flexed her right arm, planting a firm kiss on it. A few of the women in the rear of the room giggled at the ludicrous sight.

Forrest whimpered. "Can we please not talk about," he winced, "popping? It hurts to even think about."

"Oooh, this could be useful," Charlotte said, tilting her head. "Even hearing about it causes you anguish!" She giggled and covered her hand over her mouth.

Forrest stared at her in disbelief. "Charlotte, what if I discussed kicking you in your privates while you were on your cycle?"

Charlotte, along with many of the other women, winced.

"I don't get it," Midori and Kana murmured. They then locked eyes, giggling and pointing at one another. "Jinx!"

"Exactly," Forrest said. "It's like that for men when you talk about hurting us...down there."

"How'd you know that hurts so much, kid?" asked Charlotte.

He shrugged. "You spend a lot of time around women when your primary hobby is ladies' fashion."

"Huh."

"Next up," Lucina said, flipping through a pile of parchment clipped onto a clipboard, "we will be discussing appropriate dress attire for women – specifically, armor." She involuntarily glanced at Camilla and Charlotte. "You all have a fifteen-minute recess."

All of the women that were not Lucina headed out in a frenzy, squeezing through the building's entrance. Forrest exited, too.

* * *

"So what'd you two do during your time in the Outrealms?" Corrin asked. The Felicias were walking alongside him at a leisurely pace.

Shrugging, the two maids looked at each other tentatively.

"Nothing much," the one with her hair in a ponytail replied.

"Why don't you tell us what you did?" the Felicia with her hair down asked. "I'm sure your Outrealm adventures were much more exciting than ours!"

Corrin grinned. "Hee hee! Yeah, it probably was, Felicia with a ponytail." He frowned. "Wow, that's a mouthful. Hey, is it alright if I call you 'Ponytail Felicia?'"

Ponytail Felicia shrugged. "Go ahead."

"Is it OK if I call you 'Longhaired Felicia?'" Corrin asked, pointing at the remaining Felicia. She nodded in response.

"Perfect! That'll keep my tongue in one piece." He clasped his hands together. "Anyway, I landed in this alternate outrealm where I met a version of myself that was a girl, and _wow_ , was she beautiful! She had curves in all the right places and a killer sense of fashion, to boot! Not to mention a glorious boot…ay."

"What'd you do with her?" Ponytail Felicia asked. "Converse?"

Corrin nodded. "A little bit. She seemed slightly dumber and a tad more hotheaded than me. She was always making assumptions." He shrugged. "Oh, and we had sex."

Ponytail Felicia pursed her lips. "That's…interesting. You made love to your alternate-universe self?"

Corrin nodded.

"Didn't you previously mention you were married to Azura?" Longhaired Felicia asked. "What will she think of this revelation?"

Corrin shrugged. "She'll probably be slightly cross."

Longhaired Felicia recoiled. "That's an understatement if I've ever heard one!"

"Yeah…" Corrin sighed. "I really should have asked the girl Corrin if she wanted to come back to this world for a visit. She did say she was interested in Azura romantically." He sighed. "Man, I wish I'd at least snapped some pictures of her."

"Are you going to try and reconcile with Azura?"

"Nah, it's not worth bothering," Corrin responded, shaking his head. "She'll probably just take out that pent-up energy by singing in the forest or boning me."

" _What_?" Longhaired Felicia yelped. "How could you so casually ruin your marriage, Corrin?"

He stopped walking and turned his head. "Huh? What do you mean?"

"How dense are you?" Longhaired Felicia screeched. "You can't just have sex with another woman while you're in a committed monogamous relationship!"

Corrin waved his hand downwards. "It's fine. Azura gave me permission."

"Azura…" She frowned. "Azura gave you permission."

"Yep!" Corrin affirmed. "Heck, Azura herself wanted me to do it with my alternate self."

Longhaired Felicia paused. "I'm not quite sure how to feel about this."

Ponytail Felicia piped up. "How was it? You two must have been in perfect sync!"

Corrin shook his head. "Surprisingly, the actual sex was terrible. Worst I've ever had. We kept trying to do the same exact thing. Doesn't really work that well when you've got different parts, apparently."

"Doing the exact same thing with different parts," Ponytail Felicia murmured, stealing a glance at her longhaired counterpart. "That sounds like the inverse of our issue."

Corrin looked at the duo. "Hey, are you feeling OK, Felicia…s? On a normal day you wouldn't care about what Azura and I do in our love lives." He paused. "Then again, I suppose this isn't a normal day, huh?"

"Why wouldn't I care?" Ponytail Felicia asked. "Your relationship with Azura is so interesting! Why would I want to silence you? Tell me more about your weird sexcapades!"

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Mm-hm!" she affirmed. "You almost never hear people talk about sex so casually. It's refreshing to hear it discussed as openly as one would talk about the weather!"

"Wow." Corrin whistled. "I never knew you felt this way, Ponytail Felicia! I'm so happy to have found a kindred spirit on my feelings about sex!"

"You have no idea," Longhaired Felicia muttered under her breath.

Corrin walked forwards and almost bumped into a wall. "Ah," he said as he massaged his brow. "Found the hot spring building!"

"I can see that," Longhaired Felicia replied. "Is bumping into the structure a requirement to enter?"

"Huh?" Corrin asked. "No, I don't think so. That's just me being clumsy. Anyway, I'll leave you two to it. See you!" He then dissolved into white light, fading away in an instant as he merged with his body back at the mess hall.

"Now what?" Longhaired Felicia asked her counterpart.

Ponytail Felicia shrugged. "I suppose we just enter."

"But how?" she asked, looking down at the silver metal knob that impeded their progress. "How do we use this… _device_? It looks familiar, but I can't quite recall how to use one of these machinations."

"I-I don't know," Ponytail Felicia admitted, a befuddled expression on her face. "Do we press it?"

"Maybe we pull it?" the other offered.

"Twist it?"

"Hit it?"

And thus the two ghastly servants' march forward was impeded by the incredibly puzzling intricacies of a doorknob.

* * *

"Pleaaase, Lord Corrin!" Laslow begged. "Don't make me attend this!"

Corrin shrugged. "We all have to do things we don't like, Laslow. You're gonna have to deal with it."

"That doesn't sound like you, brother," Xander said. "What is the true reason you're so insistent on Laslow attending?"

Corrin sighed. "I paid Robin upfront."

Laslow frowned. "He gave you your money back!"

"He did not," Corrin replied, reaching into his mechanist cloak and pulling out a handful of golden coins. "Look closely."

Xander grabbed one of the coins, turning it over loosely in his hands. His eyes widened when he spotted something on the rim. "There's a seam on them!"

"Yeah," Corrin said. "Pull at the seam."

Xander did as instructed, the coin's golden outer layer peeling off to reveal a dark brown. His eyes widened. "They're…chocolate. He paid you in chocolate."

"And I didn't pay him in sweets to begin with," Corrin replied with a sigh. "That's quite a bit of gold down the gutter."

Laslow pouted, trying to make his eyes larger than normal. He pressed his bottom lip upwards.

Xander raised his eyebrows. "Laslow, what on earth are you doing?"

"Pouting," he responded. "Lord Corrin seems especially vulnerable to it."

"Yeah," Corrin said, "when Elise does it. When you try, it's just creepy."

"Damn it," Laslow muttered. He raised his head, grinning impishly. "What about a trade? If you let me off the hook for this, I'll take you and Azura out to any restaurant of your choice on a double date, my treat."

Corrin halted, whipping around. "Will Camilla be attending?"

Laslow scratched his hair. "Well, yes, I suppose so. It is a double-date."

Corrin turned around and continued walking. "No deal. I get enough of her sisterly mushiness on a normal day. Free food's not worth more cheek-pinching."

"Wait!" Laslow cried, raising a hand and running up to Corrin. "What if it's only me?"

Corrin shrugged. "I'd be fine with that, but do you really think Camilla would?"

Laslow sagged. "Drat." He continued walking in silence, thinking. "What if I pay for the meal but don't attend?"

Corrin raised his eyebrows. "Fine. But Azura and I are eating lobster."

Laslow winced.

"You're a prince now," Corrin said, sticking a hand out. "You can afford it."

"Fine. Deal," Laslow said, meeting Corrin's hand in his and shaking it. Laslow then walked away.

"Why does he get to leave?" Odin asked, frowning. "That's unjust!"

"I have to agree," Xander added. "You shouldn't have let him get off so easy. It pains me to say this, but you need to reel him in at times. He can be quite childish." He scratched his neck. "Not to mention the educational parts may have given him some new perspective."

Corrin shrugged. "You can leave if you'd like, too, Xander. You're not in a relationship, so this lesson doesn't apply to you."

Xander stopped walking. "I feel like I should be offended by that, but I'm too happy to care. Sexual matters are not my forte."

"But you're frowning," Odin said.

Xander shook his head. "No. This is my joyous face."

"That's kind of sad," Corrin admitted. Xander shrugged and headed towards the soldier's barracks.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Odin," Corrin said, elbowing the dark mage.

"I'll hex you!" Odin blurted out.

Corrin turned. "Was that a threat?"

"What? No!" he cried. "Lord Corrin, I'll give you any hex for free! The Fell powers of Odin Dark will be at your disposal. All you have to do is ask!" He hesitated. "If you'll let me skip this lesson, that is."

"Aw, come on, Odin!" Corrin said, putting a hand on the dark mage's shoulder. "Don't give up so easily! Hey, maybe you'll even learn a new way to 'hex' Effie in the class, eh?"

"It's not that," Odin said, sighing. "I don't feel comfortable sitting in one place for long periods, Lord Corrin. I'd like to be excused."

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "You sit still well enough when you're writing a play."

Odin exhaled. "That's different, milord."

Corrin shrugged. "Fine, then. What's in your black magic repertoire?"

Odin's face lit up. "I have hexes that will give you vivid dreams, allowing one to can live out their wildest fantasies! I have curses that will improve strength or battle prowess! Jinxes that will grant the ability to fly! Magic to boost one's mood, brainpower, and even a hex to increase," he took a deep breath, "…stamina."

"Ooh, ooh!" Corrin said, bouncing. "Odin, tell me about that one!"

Odin put a hand on his hip. "Interested in a romantic hex, Lord Corrin?"

"Not really," Corrin replied. "I was talking about the lovemaking spells."

Odin blinked. "T-that's what I was implying, milord. I was trying to be discreet."

Corrin nodded. "Ah. Yeah, I'll take one of the fancy sex spells."

"Excellent! Which spell will sate your desire?" Odin paused, frowning. "Well that was a dreadful choice of words."

"Indeed," Corrin said, shrugging. "I don't have anything in mind for now, but I'll let thou know when I have a dark desire."

"Dark…desire?" Odin asked, tilting his head.

Corrin sagged. "I was trying to do that thing you do with the darkness and the elaborate wordplay."

Odin frowned. "You can't just replace any word with 'thou' and expect it to sound dramatic."

Corrin shrugged. "Thou art full of nonsense. See? It totally works."

Odin shook his head. "No, it really doesn't."

Corrin suddenly stumbled back a solid ten feet, landing on his butt. He shook his head and groaned, sitting up slowly and massaging his temples.

Odin frowned. "Are you all right, Lord Corrin?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just merging with myself."

Odin raised an eyebrow.

"Replicate," Corrin said, scanning Odin's face for any sign of recognition. When the dark mage didn't react, Corrin shook his head. "Odin, I'm fine. Just get me my weird sex aphrodisiac when I want you to and you can be excused from sex ed."

Odin grinned. "Thank you for your dark dealings, Lord Corrin! Odin Dark, awaaaaayyyy!"

Corrin tilted his head. "What is his deal with darkness?" His eyes narrowed. "Wait, is Odin racist?"

* * *

"Stop it," Silas said.

Niles quirked his head. "Stop what?"

Silas pointed at Niles. "That thing you're doing with your hand."

Niles grinned and slyly said, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're stroking the poster!"

Niles paused, looking at his hand. It indeed was rubbing against the poster that happened to display the male genitalia. "Huh. Would you look at that."

"This is completely inappropriate," Arthur muttered, "and is making me incredibly uncomfortable."

"Oh, lighten up!" Niles said, putting an arm around Arthur. "It's nothing you haven't seen or touched before."

Arthur whimpered.

"Hey guys!" Corrin said, slamming the room's door open. "What's going on?"

"Lord Corrin!" Arthur said, twisting out of Niles's grip and running to the door. He stood up straight, practically saluting. "How can I help you?"

"I'm just here to join the class," Corrin said, shrugging.

Arthur sighed. "Then I'm afraid your luck has run out, friend. We weren't quite sure what to teach."

"What about the instruction parchment I gave you?" Corrin asked. "You know, with the curriculum written on it?"

"Arthur set it aflame!" Niles called out.

Corrin frowned. "Niles, are you stroking that poster?"

Niles slyly grinned.

"See," Corrin said as he put a hand on his face and peeked through his index and middle finger, "this is why I had hired an instructor to keep you in line. Everyone, out. I'm going to have a _talk_ with Niles.

No one moved.

"I said _out_!" Corrin screeched, waving his hand. "Everyone except Niles, get the hell out of here!"

Arthur was the first to exit, bowing his head and frowning slightly. Percy followed his father's example and he exited swiftly.

Soon after, the entire room was empty, save for Shigure and Niles.

"Father," Shigure said, "if you ever need my support…"

Corrin shook his head. "Now's not the time, Shigure. I'll talk to you later."

Shigure sighed, walking out the door. "As you wish, Father."

"What is it you wanted with me, Lord Corrin?" Niles asked once the pair was alone. "Was I naughty? Do you want to punish me?"

Corrin sighed. "Niles…"

"Do you want to spank me?" He reached into his pants, pulling out an arrow and handing it to Corrin. "Here, use this. Make me truly feel something again." Niles turned around, crouching and pushing his butt outward.

"Niles, I'm not going to spank you, but there is something I _can_ do. Go on, guess."

"You can give me a hard whack."

"Nope, I can't do that. Azura would kill me. But I can use replicate!"

Niles shook his head. "I don't know what that is.

Corrin nodded. "Oh, I think you'd like it! It's something mechanists can use. Allows you to create a second body of yourself."

This got Niles's attention. He turned around and raised his eyebrows. "What exactly does that entail?"

"Oh, it takes no effort at all once you have the ability," Corrin said dismissively, waving his hand. He shimmered, a replica of him appearing by his right side.

"See?" both Corrins asked. "I'm beside myself! "Heh, that's the second time I've made that joke."

Niles's mouth was agape. "This is, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen."

The Corrin on the right grinned. "Why, thank you!"

Niles walked over to him, his eyes wide and inquisitive. He looked ready to devour Corrin, but which one was anyone's guess. "You're…identical, yes?" He quickly prodded the replica's back with a finger.

"Hey!" both Corrins whined. "Watch it!"

"Intriguing," Niles said. "So one can feel the other's pain."

"Yep!" the left Corrin affirmed. "Pleasure is also shared." He pursed his lips. "To be exact, everything is shared. It's one soul between two bodies. Here, let me give you a demonstration."

The Corrin on the left covered the second's eyes. "Hold up some fingers," the left instructed.

Niles held up one finger.

"Don't flip me off," the pseudo-blindfolded Corrin said. "Not cool."

"Hm," Niles said. "You truly can see out of each other's eyes."

"Yeppers!" Corrin said. "It's like having two pairs of eyes, arms, mouths." He smirked. "Oh, and genitalia."

Niles's eyes couldn't get any wider. "You can't mean…"

Corrin grinned, tilting his head. "Oh, but I _do_ , Niles. Replicate sex is _amazing_. Both sides feel _everything_ , after all."

The Corrin on the right walked to the side of Niles, brushing a finger on his arm.

Niles bit his bottom lip. "Yes," the Corrin said, "pleasure is doubled to accommodate the second brain. If one has double the brains, they'll get double the happy brain juice."

"And yet," the Corrin on the left said, inching up to Niles's left shoulder and putting a hand onto it, "I find that I have an extra replicate scroll on my four hands. It'd be such a shame if I happened to misplace it."

"Replicate scroll?" Niles asked. "Does that-"

"Allow one to learn replicate without reclassing, yes," the right Corrin interjected, reaching behind himself into a small white portal and pulling out a small paper wrapped with a ribbon. "I found it stashed by a female version of myself in an alternate universe."

Niles pursed his lips. "You just pulled all of that out of your ass."

"Huh?" the Corrin on Niles's left asked. "No, I pulled it out of the convoy."

Niles shook his head. "Not what I meant. I don't believe you about the replicate scroll. You can't learn an ability with a scroll. Skills require hard work to obtain."

"Not really," the left Corrin replied. "They just require a lot of grinding." He stuck his tongue out against the bottom of his right cheek, in thought. "But hey, I know how to prove it works! Wait here for a second."

The left Corrin ran out the door.

"I can prove to you it works," the remaining Corrin said.

Niles blinked. "You already told me that."

"I did, huh?" He frowned and shrugged, taking an empty seat at a desk and propping his legs up. "Well, we've got time to kill. How are the kids?"

"Kid," Niles corrected, taking a seat at a desk and putting his chin on his propped-up palm. "I have only one child."

"Huh," Corrin said. "Could've sworn you had two."

"Nope. Only Nina."

"Huh. Nina, Nina…" Corrin scratched his hair. "What's her gimmick again?"

Niles quirked his brow. "Excuse me?"

"You know, her gimmick!" he said loudly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "All of our units have one. Take me, for example. I'm incredibly intelligent, charismatic, good-looking, and exceedingly humble. Azura has a gorgeous voice and is incredibly attractive but is also super angsty, hiding her true feelings to most. Elise is playful and childish. Camilla is sexual yet motherly at the same time." Corrin shuddered. "Still love her, though. Just…not in the way she desires."

Corrin pointed at Niles. "And you, Niles. You're really sexual and speak innuendos often, but you secretly want someone to hug you and tell you that it's all right." Corrin hesitated. "Should I continue?"

Niles shook his head. "No, I think I get the gist." He frowned. "And I have a wife. She fulfills that need."

"Does she really, though, Niles?" Corrin asked, shaking his head. "Does she really?"

* * *

"It's not like I'm cuddling with you because I want to or anything!" Selena said, curling up to Niles's chest. "Now stroke my hair all romantic-like so I can fall asleep on you!"

"Yes, dear," Niles grumbled as he started to massage her head. Selena smiled contently.

Niles softly sighed.

* * *

"Selena…" Niles sighed. "No, not particularly."

"That's what I thought," Corrin replied with a smirk. "But if you have replicate, you can snuggle with yourself and tell _yourself_ that you're going to be all right."

"Do you truly think I'm vain enough to do that?"

Corrin snickered. "Oh, totally."

Niles shrugged. "That's understandable."

"So what's Nina's gimmick?" Corrin asked. "I tend to forget the child units."

"Some people might be insulted that you refer to all of your soldiers as 'units.'"

"You're not," Corrin replied.

Niles nodded. "True. Nina's hobbies include pilfering goods off the rich to hand to the poor, a habit I despise."

"Nope," Corrin said, shaking his head. "Doesn't ring a bell. Anything else?"

Niles sighed. "She's also really interested in man-on-man romance."

"Ah-ha!" Corrin said, standing up in his desk quickly and unintentionally pushing it a few inches forward. He frowned. "Hold on a second." He used his legs to push the desk backwards, the metallic supports screeching against the floor.

"Where'd you find all these desks?"

Corrin shrugged. "Dragon Veins?"

"Why'd you phrase that as a question?"

"I don't know," Corrin said, getting up from the seat. "Anyway, your daughter's the yaoi fangirl. I remember her. Red hair, giggles a lot? Kind of combative, with twin tails?"

Niles nodded. "Yes, that would be my daughter."

Without warning, the door burst open, a ray of light shining through. Niles turned his head away.

Corrin grinned.

"I'm baaaaack!" the second Corrin sang from the doorway. "And look who I brought with me!"

Azura stood next to him, a tentative frown on her face. "Corrin, why did you bring me here?"

"You'll see," the Corrin next to her said. The Corrin next to Azura disappeared in a flash of light, prompting Azura to put her hands over her face.

"Azura!" Corrin said, walking over to her and grasping her by the elbow. "Come over here a second."

"Corrin, can you please tell me what you're doing?" Azura asked as Corrin led her next to Niles. She frowned, staring at him.

"…Niles," she greeted coolly.

"Ah, the beautiful Azura," Niles greeted. He looked at her hair. "You look hairy today. It's very long."

Azura turned to her husband. "Corrin, do we have to do whatever we're doing next to _him_?"

"Yes," Corrin said. "It's to prove a point. Can you please bear with me for a minute or so? I promise it will be worth it."

Azura sighed. "Very well. What would you like me to do?"

Corrin clapped his hands together. "I'm glad you asked, dear wife!" He reached into a convoy portal, pulling out yet another scroll. "This is a warp scroll. It does exactly what it says on the tin. Got it from an Anna." He faced Niles. "If this works on Azura, will you believe me about the other scroll?"

Niles nodded. "Show me a warping songstress and I'll be at your mercy. Metaphorically."

Corrin opened his palm, handing the parchment to Azura. She used her index and thumb to carefully and slowly pinch the scroll, weaving her hand through the ribbon to untie it, slowly unraveling the scroll. She began to eye its contents.

"Read it aloud," Corrin instructed.

Azura began to speak the incantation. "A recherche wetmpest sin tos!"

The parchment flashed and suddenly Azura's hands were in the air, the scroll magically set aflame, charring and turning to ash within seconds.

"Well?" Niles asked, crossing his arms. "I'm waiting."

Azura closed her eyes. "I wish I could warp to anywhere but here."

And nothing happened.

"I knew it was too good to be true," Niles said, crossing his arms. "Shame. I would have enjoyed myself. Literally."

"Now hold on just a minute!" Corrin shouted, making Azura wince slightly. "Oops, too loud. Sorry. Dear, try to be more specific. Don't just think about warping away! Imagine yourself standing by the target's side. Here, let's try Niles's."

Azura turned towards him, gazing at him with a deadpan expression. "I don't want to warp to Niles."

Sighing, Corrin walked to the rear of the room. "Okaaayyy, forget Niles. Imagine being by my side."

Azura quickly looked at Niles and then back again at Corrin, nodding. "Okay."

Without warning, Azura disappeared from her spot next to Niles and re-appeared by Corrin's side. She frowned. "How'd I get over here?"

"It worked!" Corrin said, grasping her hand and pulling it into the air. "Woo-hoo! Hey, Azura! Try and warp somewhere else! Warp back to Niles!"

She looked to Niles, who was wiggling his eyebrows up and down. "Yes, warp to me, Azura. _Come_ by my side."

Azura stared at Niles with a blank expression for a few seconds. She whipped around to Corrin. "Could I please warp somewhere else?"

"I suppose it doesn't matter," Corrin said, shrugging. "Warp to… Oh, I don't know. Percy."

"Don't I have to know where he is to warp to his location?"

Corrin shook his head. "Nope! Warp works based on unit location. You can warp anywhere the target in question is. If Percy was on the other side of the world right now and you wanted to warp to him, it'd only be a matter of imagining his face."

Azura nodded slowly. "I understand." Suddenly, Azura blinked out of existence in a flash of light.

"So," Corrin said, drumming the tips of his fingers together, "while we're waiting, how are the kids?"

Niles exhaled. "We've already had this conversation."

"Oh."

"How do you know so much about the warp skill?"

Corrin dug in his robes for a small piece of cloth. Upon closer inspection, Niles noticed that it had crude stick figures and lettering painted on it. "It came with an instruction manual," Corrin explained.

"Aiiiiiiieeeeee!" Azura said, appearing next to Corrin. She gripped his arm with both hands. "That was horrifying."

Corrin frowned. "I don't understand, dear."

Azura paused, taking in a deep breath and then slowly exhaling. "Percy was riding his wyvern."

Corrin pursed his lips. "So you landed on the wyvern."

She shook her head slowly. "Unfortunately not. I landed next to it and started to fall. I prayed to see your face one last time before I died, and here I am, I suppose." She shrugged nonchalantly.

"Hm," Corrin said. "Well, I suppose we can work out the kinks later." He paused. "Or just…not warp to flying units. But for now, Azura, can you please leave Niles and I alone? I have to discuss… _payment_."

"As long as you invite me, if the 'payment' is what I think it is," Azura said, planting a kiss onto her husband's cheek. I'm not so petty that I can't appreciate a good body when I see one, even if the man attached to it is rather…vindictive."

Niles put two fingers into his mouth. He let out a low whistle. "Yowza! I never took her for the type."

"There's a lot you don't know about her," Corrin said, grinning. "For instance, did you know that she's _really_ into hot springs?"

Niles's mouth was stretched so wide he could pass for a Cheshire cat. "Really now."

Corrin nodded. "Uh-huh. Something about the water makes her feel at ease."

"Hm," Niles said. "Got any other morsels of gossip?"

"Not right now," Corrin said, shaking his head. "I'll let you know if anything interesting comes up. What about that pending three-way offer?"

Niles exhaled. "Unfortunately, Selena said no."

Corrin pursed his lips. "Now, when you say that, was it a 'Selena no', or a regular no?"

"Regular no."

Corrin snapped his fingers. "Damn."

Niles shook his head. "Regardless of that, I believe you about that replicate scroll. What would you like me to do so I can, _ahem_ , utilize it later? Preferably today, if possible."

Corrin grinned and tapped his chin. "Well…"

* * *

"These are the ovaries," Niles said as he pointed to a poster tacked onto the chalkboard. "They're involved in the creation of eggs and are the female equivalent to the testicle."

"Wow," Silas whispered to Corrin. The pair were sitting near the rear of the room, each seated at a separate desk. "Niles certainly did a heel-turn. He's truly teaching now! How'd you manage to accomplish that?"

Corrin grinned and put his feet on the empty desk in front of him. "Oh, nothing much. I just gave him my backup lesson plans."

Silas raised his eyebrows. "Really? You didn't need to entice him with anything?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I bribed him," Corrin said, putting his arms behind his head. "I bribed the _hell_ out of him. I used a scroll that gives him the ability to replicate. I'm giving it to him after this is over if he does a decent job."

"Isn't that skill valuable?" Silas asked, quirking his head. "Why would you waste something like that on Niles, of all people?"

Corrin shook his head. "It's just some magic words on a piece of paper, Silas. I copied the incantation to another parchment."

Silas raised his brows. "Huh."

"Hey!" Niles snapped. "You two in the popcorn gallery, quiet down! We have a schedule to adhere to!"

"Incredible," Silas murmured under his breath, slowly shaking his head. "Absolutely incredible."

* * *

"Felicia?" Azura asked.

The two maids were sitting down on the grass, gazing up at the door handle, a wistful expression on each of their faces.

"I really wanted to eat," Longhaired Felicia mumbled. She sighed.

Azura slowly approached the door and pursed her lips. "Felicia, did you also gain the replication skill?"

"Actually," Ponytail Felicia answered, turning her head as she pushed herself off the ground, "we're from another-"

Her jaw hit the ground as she realized who she was talking to. She stumbled backwards, landing on her palms for support. "Oh gods. You're gorgeous!"

"Corrin!" Longhaired Felicia chided, frowning and slapping her counterpart's hand. "Don't say such things about other women!"

"Did you just call yourself 'Corrin?'" Azura asked.

"Um, _Felicia_?" Ponytail Felicia asked, poking her counterpart's shoulder. "You might want to turn around."

Longhaired Felicia sighed, pushing herself off the grass. "I don't know what kind of woman could possibly make you say such a thi-"

Her jaw, too, was now agape. "Gods," she whispered, her face now becoming a rosy hue. "You _are_ gorgeous. You're so pretty!"

Azura quirked her brows, her pale skin turning beet red at the unexpected and brazen praise. "I, er, appreciate the compliments, but what brought this on?"

"Uh…" Ponytail Felicia said.

"Your hair!" Longhaired Felicia cried out. "Your hair is stunning! We were discussing how we could emulate your style!"

"Really?" Azura, said. Her lips quirked slightly. "I didn't take you for the type."

"Oh, yes!" Longhaired Felicia said. She went over to Azura's hand and grabbed it. Azura frowned. "And your hands are so soft! I wish my hands felt like this."

"Why, thank you," Azura said, eyeing the duo. She pursed her lips. "Felicia, are you coming on to me?"

"What?" both Felicias cried out, pulling back.

Longhaired Felicia released Azura's hand. "Ew, that's disgusting!"

Azura hummed, raising her eyebrows. "Hmm." She whipped around in an instant and began to walk towards her private quarters, deliberately strutting her wide hips from side to side.

"I forgot how attractive my original body was," Longhaired Felicia said once Azura was out of hearing range. She slowly shook her head. "Is it vain to think that?"

"If I didn't know you any better," Ponytail Felicia said, her face still tinged red, "I'd say she was trying to flaunt what we're missing out on." She glanced downwards at the front center of her skirt, shaking her head. "You don't know how glad I am that I'm not in my original body right now," she confessed.

* * *

Author's Notes

This chapter was a week late... _again_ , but it's almost 6,000 words versus the usual 4,000, if that's any consolation. I have a good reason, this time, though! I wrote a humor one-shot fic about Ghost Izana haunting Takumi, and that took up a lot of my writing time this week. You can find it on my profile if you'd like.

I was kinda bummed no one commented on my _Kid Icarus: Uprising_ reference in the last chapter. Sure, voice actor jokes are kind of passé, but I was going to use it as an excuse to gush about Kid Icarus.

Oh well.

Someone mentioned that this story has no fourth wall, which is completely true. The odd part of this is that it happened completely by accident! I've played so much of _Uprising_ and love its fourth-wall breaking humor so much that I didn't think the fourth wall breaking was that abnormal when I was writing this! It's just the type of humor I was used to.

And yes, this was the final chapter of sexual education in the Nohrian army. Next time on TMSP, we're going to explore replicate more! And no take-backsies this time! Replicate powers or bust!

Feedback, reviews, PMs, and criticism is all welcome!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	16. Corrin's Primal Side

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 16: Corrin's Primal Side**

* * *

" _Zola!" Corrin roared as he began readying his blade, dislodging it from his hip. "I've already touched you with death's kiss, yet you still roam among the living? How can this be?"_

" _How do you think?" Zola asked, giggling and twirling his lengthy jester's hat with the tip of his pinky finger. "Maaaaagic!"_

 _Corrin frowned. "Elaborate, please. Even though I'm a hero of Nohr, I'm too darn muscular to understand how that works." He began to massage his forearm. "All of this muscle mass makes me incredibly sexy, but I can't understand things all that well. I only have a limited quantity of meat available on my body, and if I'm extremely muscular, I can't have a lot of …smartness. However, I have conveniently obtained this magic tome that allows me to siphon off some of your vast intelligence for myself, if you wouldn't mind."_

 _Zola nodded. "It would be my pleasure to give you some of my vast intellect, arch nemesis Corrin. How does this arcane smarticle transfer ritual work?"_

 _Corrin touched the side of Zola's face. The magician heated up at the sudden and unexpected contact, his face reddening._

" _Kissing," Corrin whispered, their lips now inches from one another. "We need to swap spit to transfer some of your vast intelligence to me."_

" _Will it transfer anything else?" Zola asked, frowning. "I hope it doesn't accidentally give you my shapeshifting powers! Why, that would be a disaster waiting to happen! Especially if you tried to shapeshift your… Mmmph!" He was cut off as their lips met in a heated display of passion._

 _However, their passion wasn't the only thing that was heated, as Zola soon discovered. Zola grinned, pressing tighter against Corrin._

" _Mm," Corrin muttered, their tongues intertwining. "You taste delightful."_

 _Zola pulled away. "Want to see a REALLY delightful trick, Lord Corrin?"_

" _It's just Corrin to you, my lovely lover," Corrin replied, tilting Zola's chin upwards. "And sure. Anything for you."_

 _Zola exploded in a puff of smoke. Coughing, Corrin rubbed his eyes._

" _Zola, dearest, where did you go?"_

" _I'm right here," Zola said. Corrin opened his eyes, staring._

 _Gone was Zola. Instead, the sexy Robin stood in his place, grinning shyly._

" _H-hello there!" Robin said in Zola's shaky tone. He put a hand on his hip, tilting his head and smiling shakily. "It's time to tip some scales!"_

* * *

"What the heck was that?" Corrin asked, shaking his head. His mechanist cloak was currently folded into a bib, his under armor being used as normal, over armor.

He used his fork to skewer a piece of steak and start cutting it. "Seriously, that was disgusting!" He chewed the steak.

Niles and Selena sat next to him. All three were seated in the Astral Plane, using a beach towel to keep their butts elevated off the grass. Niles had a notebook in his hand that he promptly snapped shut. He shrugged. "According to the cover, it was _Zola and Corrin's Shapekissting Adventure_. Nina writes this crud in her free time. She tries to hide them from me and the wife, but I'm able to find it without too much trouble." He tapped the side of his head, grinning. "The secret is to think like a teenage pervert."

Selena crossed her arms. "It doesn't take much trouble to think like a teenage girl when you have the mental maturity of a child. Seriously, who the hell steals their daughter's private stories to gossip about them?"

Corrin shook his head. "That's not the disgusting part. I'm talking about how the piece mentioned 'pert nipples' when Zola shapeshifted into Silas during the fifth romance scene. Men don't have nipples! That'd be revolting!"

Selena huffed. "Are you mad? Of course they do."

"Oh yeah?" Corrin asked. He faced Niles. "Take your shirt off."

"I thought you'd never ask!" Niles wove his head through the shirt.

"Gods!" Selena stared at her husband's pectorals, frowning intensely. She shook her head in disbelief. "He _doesn't_! What the hell? I could have sworn men had… You didn't lose them like you did your eye, right?"

"Nope," he replied. "Never had any."

"Damn," Selena muttered. "And this isn't unique to you?"

"Nope," Corrin said. "I don't have them either."

"Crap," said Selena. "I hate being wrong."

"You experience new things every day," Corrin said, shrugging. "And um, Niles?"

"Yes, Lord Corrin?"

"You can put your shirt back on now."

Niles nodded. "I certainly can."

Corrin blinked.

Niles grinned.

"…You're not _going_ to, are you?"

Niles shook his head.

Corrin sighed.

"I thought the story was pretty true to life aside from the nipples thing, though," Corrin said. "I certainly _would_ abuse shapeshifting powers if I had them, you know, to give myself a bigger-"

"Hi, Papa!" Kana said, strutting by on all fours in her monstrous dragon form. "It's a beautiful day outside, isn't it?"

"-ego," Corrin finished. "Not sure if I'd truly kiss Zola if he was disguised as Xander, though. I idolize Xander. He's like a father to me, and I don't kiss my parents." He hesitated. " _Especially_ mother. I would never date the dead. Unless it was Azura."

"You're thinking too hard about this," Niles murmured.

"I still think it's reprehensible that you're stealing these from our daughter," said Selena.

"Can't a proud father share his daughter's artistic masterpieces with the world? It'd be such a shame to leave them covered in dust." Niles crossed his arms. "And besides, it's not stealing if I put them back when I'm finished."

Selena exhaled. "You're not reading them for their artistic value. Everyone with their wits intact can see THAT much."

"I couldn't," Corrin muttered quietly.

Niles grinned. "Guilty as charged! But don't pretend you don't get a kick out of reading them, too. You especially seemed to enjoy that series about Lord Leo in a relationship with that Hoshidan teenage archer."

"His name is Takumi," Corrin added. "We have an Einherjar of him."

"Whatever," Niles replied.

"Sh-she's just a good author, okay?" Selena replied, her cheeks tinged pink. "Hmph. I bet Nina inherited her writing ability from me."

"Mmm," Niles said, stroking the side of Selena's face. "Selena, do you happen to write smutty novellas as well?""

"Don't be ridiculous!" She batted his hand away, turning her head. "Like I would even think about stuff like that! Not that it'd be ALL that bad…I think I'd be rather great at writing, actually, but…" She frowned. "I would never write THAT kind of thing, though."

"Denial?" Corrin asked, washing some eggs down with a large glass of orange juice.

"Yes, she's in da me," Niles agreed. "Selena, there's nothing wrong with fantasies, especially homoerotic ones. In fact, I much prefer that variety myself."

"Yeah, fantasies are swell!" Corrin said, his eyes glowing. "Azura has a lot of really unique ones! For instance, once she and I-"

"No." Selena glared at Corrin. "You're done."

"But I-"

"Lord Corrin," Selena said, "you never shut up about your stupid wife! Every day it's 'Azura this', 'Azura that', or 'You'll never guess what Azura said!'"

Corrin raised a finger. "Hold on-"

"I'm not finished!" Selena huffed. "Let me finish and THEN you can speak. Capuche?"

"But I-"

"What was that?"

"Yes, ma'am," Corrin softly said, his finger drooping.

"That's what I like to hear." She crossed her arms. "And every time you bring her up, it's always so sexually charged! It's always talking about some weird new sex thing you did in your private lives! It's disgusting! Keep that crap to yourself!"

"I…" Corrin looked to Selena expectantly. She nodded, giving him the go-ahead. "I do not talk about Azura that much! And when I do, it's strictly professional!"

Selena rolled her eyes. "Lord Corrin, not five minutes ago you brought her up, unprompted, and began to describe in vivid detail how Azura used her pendant to create a water tentacle."

Niles smirked.

"Tentacle, pervert!" Selena said, smacking her husband on the wrist.

"That doesn't make it any less perverse," Niles muttered, massaging the spot she'd hit him. "If anything, it only opens up more possibilities."

"I…" Corrin faltered. "That was an exception, not the norm!"

"Oh yeah?" Selena said, raising her eyebrows. "Tell you what. If you can go the next hour without mentioning your wife, I'll talk to Lady Camilla about treating you like an adult. No promises, but I'll try my best. And you know I don't do half-measures."

Corrin's eyes lit up. He rubbed the side of his face. "No more cheek-pinching would be nice…" He put his hand on his chin, looking contemplative. "And if I can't?"

Selena grinned. "You give me a replicate scroll."

"Huh? Why would you want to replicate yourself?"

"How dense are you?" Selena rolled her eyes. "It'd be insanely useful! I'd be able to send the replica out to do my work while I get to shop and lay about! It'd be like my own, personal slave!"

"Deal," Corrin said. He stuck out his hand.

Selena promptly shook it.

"So, first off," Corrin said, starting to count on his fingers, "that's not how it works. At all. Replicate just creates a second body and splits your soul into two."

"That sounds painful."

He shrugged. "It's really not. It's more like a tingle, if anything." He brought a second finger out. "And secondly, you should already know this!"

Niles began to shake his head back and forth frantically.

"Your husband already has the replicate ability!" Corrin exclaimed.

Niles facepalmed.

"What?" Selena shrieked, glaring at Niles.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," Niles admitted, sighing. "I was going to use it on your birthday and give you a foot rub and back massage simultaneously. I guess the secret's out now, though." He gave a sly grin. "I'd also planned on using it to-"

"Ohh, yes!" Corrin suddenly cried out. He shivered a tiny bit, his eyes glazed over.

Niles pursed his lips. "I was getting to that part."

"No," Corrin said, shaking his head. "That's not why I just said that. Azura and I are currently…" He frowned. "Dammit!"

"Ah-ha!" Selena said, jumping up and pointing a finger at the draconic prince. "Got ya! You owe me one replicate scroll, mister!"

"Fine," Corrin said, sighing and hefting himself up. "We did shake on it."

"Wait," Niles said. "What exactly did you and your wife do earlier that made you scream at the memory?"

Corrin shook his head. "Oh, that wasn't a memory, Niles. I have replicate. I can be in two places at once."

Niles and Selena's eyes widened as they realized what Corrin had been doing.

"So during your conversation with us, you were…" Selena trailed off.

"Silly Selena," Corrin laughed, patting her on the shoulder. She drew her shoulder back and hugged herself. "Azura and I have been doing this all morning!"

Niles's jaw was agape. "How…?"

Corrin shook his empty glass. "See all the orange juice I've been drinking? Energy is shared between replicated bodies."

"During...our entire conversation," Selena said, eyes wide. "You..."

"Haha, yep!" Corrin said. "Odin helped, too! He hexed us so Azura and I could do this for an inhumanly unnatural amount of time."

"Odin was involved in this?" Niles squeaked out, his voice uncharacteristically high-pitched.

"Only by proxy," Corrin said. "It was payment for a favor. Speaking of which, let's get you that replicate scroll I owe you, hm?"

Selena groaned. "I think I'm going to pass out…"

"Hey, me too!" Corrin said, falling back down. He frowned, clutching his head. "Wait, why exactly am I passing out?"

* * *

"Is he awake yet?"

"For the last time, Felicia, he is not!"

"How do we tell if he is? I can't recall."

"His eyes will have _opened_!"

"…What will that look like?"

"Urgh…"

Corrin fluttered his eyelids, the world slowly coming into focus. He was lying in a plain white bed, some soft white bedsheets covering him. Scanning around, he could confirm he was in the infirmary section of the soldier's barracks. Vulneraries, potions, staffs, and copious varieties of herbs lined the shelves. A Hoshidan rod or two could also be seen.

"His eyes are open!"

"Oh, so this is what you meant by him waking up, right?"

Kaze sighed, putting a hand on his forehead. "Yes, Corrin is waking up. Come now, Felicia. It's time to heal him."

"H-how?" one of the Felicias asked. "I've never healed anyone before!"

"Yes, you have." Kaze shut his eyes. "Never mind. I'll just give him a vulnerary if he needs one. I can handle this."

Ponytail Felicia pouted. "Y-you don't want us?"

"There's some leftover food in the soldier's barracks cupboards," Kaze said.

Both maids rushed out the soldier's barracks exit, leaving an exasperated Kaze and a confused Corrin behind.

"What just happened?" Corrin asked, peeling a layer of sheets off. "Who were those two in the frilly outfits?"

"Hm?" Kaze asked. "Felicia, you mean?"

Corrin giggled, putting a hand over his mouth. "Felicia." He repeated it again, this time stressing the syllables. He hummed. "I like that name," he said, bouncing in his bed. "Felicia is so cute! I want a Felicia of my very own!"

Kaze paled. "Well, in a sense, Lord Corrin, you already have her. She's under your employ."

"Oh." Corrin nodded. "Does that mean we can hug? I want to hug a Felicia! They look soft and frilly and cuddly."

"Lord Corrin, that's my wife you're talking about," Kaze said, crossing his arms. "You should maintain a modicum of respect."

"Your…wife?"

"Is this is a joke?"

Corrin tilted his head. "What's a joke?"

"I…" Kaze frowned. "Are you feeling all right?"

"No," Corrin replied slowly. "I'm cold."

"Hm…" Kaze put a hand onto Corrin's forehead, trying to check for an abnormal temperature.

He recoiled at Kaze's touch. "You're cold!" he shouted, grabbing his blanket and diving back under the covers.

"Your temperature is fine, at the least," Kaze noted. He shook his head. "Perhaps you're sick."

"Kaze!" Corrin cried out, laying prone in the bed. "Don't leave me!"

"It's just for a minute, Lord Corrin. I'm going to find Lady Camilla. She may have seen this before."

"Big sis Camilla…" Corrin nodded. "I'd like that. She's spongy."

"I…er, suppose she is," Kaze said, leaving the infirmary with a tentative frown.

* * *

"Poor baby!" Camilla cooed, hugging Corrin and pressing up against him. "Are you sick, hm? Let your big sister hug you, just like the old days."

He awkwardly grabbed her through her underarms instead of at her side. Camilla didn't mind, and she continued to squish herself up against her adopted brother, pressing her gratuitous chest into his face.

"Hee hee…" Corrin giggled. "Camilla, you're so soft and squishy. I like that." He closed his eyes, content.

"Lord Corrin?" Kaze inquired. "You're…enjoying this?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Corrin replied, nuzzling deeper into Camilla's assets. "Camilla is so pretty and nice to hug! I love you, big sis!"

"And I love you too, dear," Camilla replied. "Kaze, I don't think Corrin is sick. Or maybe he was, and hugs are the best medicine of all! I'm certain he's fine now.s"

"Yay!" Corrin cried, grasping Camilla tighter. She hummed, stroking his back through his velvety green shirt.

"But Lord Corrin _hates_ it when Lady Camilla is like this," Kaze mused. "Lord Corrin, I'm going to find your _other_ sister. Perhaps she knows how to treat-"

Kaze looked over at the grown man nuzzling deep into his adopted sister's breasts.

"-whatever _this_ is."

* * *

"Stop."

 _Bonk._

"Acting."

 _Bonk._

"So."

 _Bonk._

"Weird!"

Elise hit Corrin on the head using a staff once more for good measure. "You're being all crazy, Corrin! Stop it!"

Kaze pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why don't you try to heal him using the staff instead of hitting him?"

"I can't," Elise said solemnly. "I'm an archer. This is the best I can do." She started to bonk Corrin on the head again.

"Let's, er…stop with the head-bashing, alright?" Kaze pried Elise's hands off the blunt weapon in question.

"Aww," she pouted. "What about one more for luck?"

"Elise," he began to reprimand. Before he could finish, Longhaired Felicia popped her head in.

"Kaze?" she asked, her face wearing an assortment of various condiments. "The other Felicia and I ran out of food."

"Just make your own in the mess hall," Kaze said.

"We can make our own food?" Felicia asked, her eyes wide. Kaze nodded, leaving Felicia jogging away quick as a ninja.

"Felicia forgot to tie her hair in a ponytail," Camilla said, tilting her head. "She's never done that before."

"I think she looks pretty with her hair down!" Elise chirped.

"Personally, I'm more concerned that there's two of her," Kaze muttered. "If only Lord Corrin were in a sane state, then I could ask him about it. Felicia herself wasn't much help…" He shifted uncomfortably. "Either of her."

Corrin nodded, still lying in bed. "Felicia's hair is so long and pink and pretty! I want to run my fingers through it and rub my face on it."

Kaze looked to Elise. "You know, I'm sure one more time couldn't hurt."

Elise grinned mischievously. "You know, I think I'm beginning to like him like this."

* * *

"Hah!" Flora cried, using her hand to freeze Corrin's forehead.

"Cold," he whimpered, wrapping himself tighter in the bedsheets. "You're a cold, cold woman!"

"Here, dearest," Camilla whispered, wrapping him up in another hug. "Let your big sister warm you up."

"Boobies," Corrin murmured, snuggling right into Camilla's chest. "They're warm! This is so much better than cold!"

"Is Corrin back to normal?" Silas asked, the playing cards in his hand falling onto the floor. "I heard something perverse!"

"Mhm…" Corrin hummed, snuggling deeper into Camilla's bust. He hummed in contentment. "I like nuzzling…"

Silas sighed. "False alarm, I suppose. Corrin would never act like that around Camilla if he wasn't sick." He turned back to the table, reaching onto the floor and grabbing the scattered cards.

Many of Corrin's allies had been summoned. Each had offered their own solution to explain or fix the prince's odd behavior, and they were idling, waiting for their shot to be the one to fix Corrin.

"Money!" Anna shouted, waving a gold coin in front of Corrin's face. "Here, look at the money! Doesn't it just make you want to act normal?"

"Ooh," Corrin said, grabbing for the coin. "It's sparkly!"

"Hey, hands off, buster!" Anna said, smacking his hand. "This gold is mine!"

"No!" Corrin said, pulling on the coin. "It's mine now! I want it!"

"Back off!"

"Give it to me!"

Corrin snatched the coin free. Without warning or visible thought, he put the coin into his mouth and quickly swallowed. He grinned widely.

"Nohr is doomed," Anna said, shaking her head and leaving his bedside.

"Get some new cards from the center pile, Silas," Leo instructed. "We don't want anyone cheating, especially considering that we don't know how some _new players_ act."

Leo, Niles, and the Takumi Einherjar were seated near a table at the end of the room. They were playing a game of poker while they waited for their turn.

"Excuse me?" Takumi asked. "Is that an accusation?"

"Yes," said Leo.

Takumi frowned. "Jerk."

"Human imposter," Leo said, carefully extracting a card from the center pile. "You're not real. Your insults are meaningless."

Takumi drew a card as well. "Yet I'm sure I can _really_ beat you at poker."

"You're not clever," Leo said. "Stop trying."

Takumi gave a sly grin. "At least I'm not a pedophile."

"Dammit!" Leo cried, slamming his palm down onto the table. "How'd _you_ hear about that?"

Takumi shrugged. "Word gets around."

"Nyx is an adult, dammit!" Leo cried. "Hell, she's older than me!"

"Didn't know you were into cougars," Niles muttered.

"Looks like I struck a nerve," Takumi said, a vindictive grin now present.

Leo scowled intensely. "I am royalty and shall be addressed as such, _card_."

"Speaking of royalty," Niles murmured, "has anyone seen Lord Corrin's wife lately?"

Various heads around the room shook, with no one having apparently spotted her.

"Hm," Kaze said. "That's not a bad idea. Perhaps Lady Azura has clues that could lead us to Corrin's affliction."

Leo shook his head. "Why didn't you try asking her first? She'd have some valuable input. She sleeps with him, for crying out loud!"

Niles quietly snickered.

Leo sighed. "You know that's not what I meant."

* * *

"Hm?" the songstress responded, looking over her shoulder. She was sitting on the bed with her legs hanging down. "I can't say that I know what you're talking about. Corrin's been with me the whole day."

"That…doesn't make sense," Kaze admitted. "Corrin has been under my care ever since Niles and Selena brought him to me unconscious."

"Oh," Azura said. "He very well could have been replicating."

Kaze took a step backwards. "Replicating? As in the mechanist skill?"

Azura nodded. "The very same. He's been using it for everything nowadays on and off the battlefield. Not that we've been doing all that much fighting lately, to be honest. It's mostly been quick skirmishes and the rescuing of children."

"So that explains it!" Kaze exclaimed. "Lady Azura, would you take me to Lord Corrin?"

"Of course," Azura said, instantly disappearing into thin air.

Kaze frowned. "Lady Azura?"

Azura reappeared behind Kaze, making him instantly sidestep, his ninja training kicking in.

"It's only me, Kaze," she murmured. "I didn't mean to frighten you."

"I apologize," Kaze replied. He bowed his head.

Azura giggled lightly, a musical sound akin to wind chimes. "No, _I_ apologize. I had forgotten that you can't warp. Come on, Kaze." She pointed to the treehouse's ladder. "Let's climb."

* * *

"Kaze, my reverent ally!" Corrin greeted, clasping his hands together. "I'm so delighted to see you!"

"Corrin?" Kaze asked, frowning. "I thought you were gone forever!"

"What? No, goodness me! How silly would that be!" Corrin said. He pulled up a chair, offering a seat to Kaze, who, with raised eyebrows, accepted it.

"How gracious of you, Lord Corrin," Kaze said. "But, er, if you wouldn't mind, I was wondering-"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Corrin chided, wagging his finger. "We can't have a proper discussion without some tea and pastries first, now can we? Let me brew up a batch and heat up some warm baked goods."

"Lord-"

And he'd left.

"-Corrin," Kaze finished. He sighed.

"Kaze," Azura said. "What did you mean when you said that your Corrin was unwell?"

"He seemed to be very…primal," Kaze said. "He would only respond to very simple questions and discuss certain stimuli."

"Hm." Azura didn't visibly react. "Tell me, what types of things did the other Corrin respond to?"

"For one," Kaze said, "he seemed to enjoy food."

* * *

Corrin moaned, expelling the contents of his very extravagant dinner into a bucket. "The food tastes terrible now!"

"Yes," Kaze said, "that's what happens when you eat an entire lobster, a steak, and three different varieties of cake in one sitting."

"But the food _was_ great!" Corrin countered. "Why's it bad now?"

Kaze frowned.

* * *

"I see," Azura replied, lowering her head. "Let me guess: he also reacted just as feverishly to water."

Kaze nodded. "Exactly. And there was one more thing this particular Corrin seemed to enjoy."

"Muffins!" Corrin called out, entering the room with a tray of the chocolate desserts. "I couldn't warm them up or get some tea brewing, considering we're in a treehouse and shouldn't start fires." He grinned sheepishly. "Don't know why I offered in the first place, honestly."

Kaze raised his head, looking between Azura and Corrin. He quirked his brows. "Tell me. You two love each other, do you not?"

"What kind of question is that?" Corrin asked. "Of course we do! I love Azura more than anyone else in the world!"

"What of our children?" Azura inquired.

Corrin shrugged. "You know what I mean."

Kaze nodded. "Lord Corrin, I have a favor to request of you."

"Sure! What is it, Kaze?" Corrin asked.

"Crawl next to your wife," Kaze instructed. Corrin shrugged, doing as instructed and joining Azura on the bed.

"Kiss her."

"I-I'm not sure if I feel doing such a thing is prudent with you present," Corrin said. Azura frowned.

"Humor me," Kaze said, a bite in his tone. "I need to confirm a theory." He crossed his arms, using his ninja magic to disappear.

Corrin blinked, but made nothing of it.

"If it will make you more comfortable, pretend that I am not here."

"O-okay," Corrin said, hesitantly wrapping an arm around Azura's backside. She leaned into it and the two kissed, with Corrin peeling back rather quickly. "Huh," he said, rubbing his sleeve on his mouth. "That was…kind of disgusting. How odd."

"It seems as if my theory was correct," Kaze said, re-appearing and uncrossing his arms. "Azura, it seems your husband has been split into two uneven wholes."

"Of course I have!" Corrin snapped. "That's the whole point of replicate!"

Kaze nodded. "In a sense, yes. However, your soul is usually cleaved cleanly in half. Right now, it is not. Tell me, Corrin. What is your other body doing right now?"

Corrin grinned smugly. "Why, that's easy! I'm currently…" His smile faltered. "That's peculiar. I… I can't recall."

"Exactly," Kaze said. "Say, did you fall asleep at any point while replicated?"

"In fact, I did," Corrin admitted. "I wanted to test what would happen if one of my bodies was asleep and one was awake. Plus, I was tired after," he paused, looking at Azura and frowning, "doing various activities."

"I would recommend against doing that if you wish to avoid this situation in the future."

"What?" Azura cried, jolting upright. "You can't just cut us off like that! I'm a grown woman! I have needs!" She hesitated. "Also, it's unfair to Corrin!"

"That's…not what I meant." Kaze grimaced. "I apologize if my wording was unclear. You can continue…whatever you two normally do." He shuddered and took in a deep breath. "Lord Corrin, there is a reason mechanists do not utilize replicate for trivial tasks. It can be very dangerous.

My best guess is that when you went to sleep in only one of your bodies, you fragmented your consciousness even further." He slowly shook his head. "Replicate, by its very nature, splits the soul into two for the purposes of battle. By losing consciousness in one body, you altered the other's connection, twisting the magical tie binding your two bodies together. Your body here contains more of your personality and intelligence. Your body back in the infirmary contains your more primal desires, like your sex drive. That's why I wanted to see how your body here reacted to even a chaste kiss."

"That's impressive, Kaze," Corrin said. "How'd you figure this out?"

Kaze shrugged. "It wasn't until your wife mentioned you using replicate that I was cued in."

Azura stared at Kaze, unblinking. "You're not telling the whole truth."

"You're not the first mechanist to think they could use two of themselves to their advantage," Kaze admitted, shrugging. "Regardless, all you have to do to fix this situation is to re-merge your forms. The next time you replicate it should be a clean break. Well, as long as you don't fall asleep while replicating again."

Corrin nodded, closing his eyes. He sparkled for a second before slamming backwards onto the wall.

* * *

"Kaze, we have to do _something_."

"Well, what do you propose we do?"

"I… I'm not quite sure."

Corrin opened his eyes and shook his head.

He scanned his surroundings – he appeared to be back in the treehouse, in his bedroom.

"I see you're awake now," Kaze said.

"Hey there," Azura said, the hint of a smirk on her lips.

"There are better places to take a nap than on that bed, you know," Kaze said. "Give me your hand."

"Line thief!" Corrin shouted, bolting upright and smacking Kaze's outstretched hand. "Line thief, line thief!"

"Looks like he's back to normal."

Corrin pointed to his wife. "I thought you knew better than that, Azura! You can't just steal people's quotes!" He shook his head. "What if I started singing about how I was the ocean's grey waves, huh?"

"You already do that," said Azura.

"Fine!" Corrin said. He turned. "Kaze, what if I started saying 'You leave me no choice!' whenever I activated Dragon Fang? Wouldn't that irk you?"

Kaze shrugged. "I wouldn't mind. It's really not that unique."

"Hmph." Corrin crossed his arms. "Well, fine. But don't let me catch you stealing other people's trademarks again, you hear me?"

Kaze sighed. "Lord Corrin, since you're back to normal, I have one more question to ask of you."

Corrin nodded.

"Why are there two instances of my wife?" Kaze asked.

"Your wife…?" Corrin asked.

"Felicia!" Kaze elaborated. "There are two iterations of her. And I know for a fact that she has never once touched a Heart Seal, so she can't be using replicate."

"Uh," Corrin said, "it's a long story. You might want to pull up a chair."

* * *

Author's Notes

Seriously, have you seen Xander's Beach Brawl artwork? The guy has no nips. And neither does anyone in the private quarters. It's...creepy. Supposedly, it's something that Japanese media does, removing human "imperfections". You know, like zits or body hair.

Or nipples.

And sorry for the delay! I was on a cruise ship with limited internet access. I have a queue a mile high of stuff I want to read and review now that I have internet access again…

Anyway, I was trying something a bit different this chapter. Less of a "crazy stuff's happening" tone and fluffier, I suppose. The Niles, Corrin, and Selena picnic was a result of that. I think it turned out OK.

But on the bright side, I had a lot of time without internet (AKA distractions) on the ship, so I got started on two chapters past this one. They should come out a bit sooner than usual.

Don't be afraid to leave advice, criticism, or reviews! I welcome it all with open arms.

Next chapter: Body-switching espionage!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	17. Flashbacks and Fixing Felicia

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 17: Flashbacks and Fixing Felicia**

* * *

"That doesn't explain why both iterations of Felicia are acting so strangely," Kaze said, frowning. "Surely if only one of Felicia came from the Outrealms, the other version of my wife would act as she normally does."

"Yeah…" Corrin scratched the back of his head. "I'm still not seeing what you're talking about. Felicia seems fine to me."

Kaze sighed. "Lord Corrin, let me show you something." He opened the door and walked into the treehouse's hallway, exiting and sliding down the ladder with ease.

Corrin shrugged. "Guess I'd better follow."

* * *

"Mmm," Ponytail Felicia said. She poured a bowl of white powder into her mouth. "This one tastes sweet! Must be sugar."

The two maids were in the mess hall, their outfits were covered from head to toe in various condiments and powders. Their faces were no different, each resembling a small child's first painting (i.e. a mess).

"No, _you're_ sweet!" Longhaired Felicia countered, slowly gulping down a jar filled with lemon juice. "Eww, this one's sour. Hey, mind if I steal some of that sugar?"

Ponytail Felicia nodded, setting the bowl on the table.

"I don't know how you lucked out finding these bodacious bodies for the two of us," Longhaired Felicia said. "They really are quite cute."

"Kind of clumsy, though," Ponytail Felicia countered. "I've tripped, what, seven times on my way here?"

"You're just not used to using legs instead of floating," Longhaired Felicia responded, pinching some sugar and placing it into the lemon juice filled jar.

" _Sure_. And those spilled plates were a consequence of not holding anything in a few decades, right?"

"Hmph."

"Do you see?" Kaze asked. His back was pressed next to the open door of the mess hall. "Both are acting like women possessed!"

Corrin peered his head inside. "They're talking about bodies?" His eyes widened. "Gods! Has Felicia murdered someone?"

Kaze stared at Corrin.

"What is it?"

"Corrin," Kaze said slowly, "we're at war. We're all killers, make no mistake."

Corrin frowned. "That's a bummer." He paused. "Also, I'm pretty sure they're not talking about bodies in that sense. More in a…metaphorical manner. Like a 'Gee, my body is super good-looking!' way."

Kaze pursed his lips. "You think they're complimenting each other?"

"Possibly," Corrin said. "I'm gonna go ask what's up."

"No!" Kaze exclaimed, gripping Corrin's arm.

"Kaze, let go of me!" Corrin said, trying to shake his arm out of Kaze's hold.

"Lord Corrin, I wasn't able to glean much information from my wife as is," Kaze explained. "If you go up to either of her and ask about it, she'll clam up even more."

"You're overreacting, Kaze," Corrin said. "Let's just calmly walk up to-"

"Lord Corrin," Kaze interrupted, "how would you feel if there were suddenly two of your wife. Not only did they consistently flirt with one another, but they also started to eat copious amounts of disgusting, raw foods?"

Corrin responded by grinning widely and giggling. "Two Azuras…"

Kaze released his hold on Corrin's arm. "Why do I even bother?"

"No, no, I get it," Corrin said, shaking his head to break out of his trance. "Your wife is acting super weird and you want to make sure she's, like, not an alien or something. Right?"

Kaze nodded. "Whatever analogy you want to use. I'm concerned for her wellbeing."

Corrin nodded. "Okay, I'll help. And I have an idea."

"Very well. What's your idea?"

"Hey, Felicias?" Corrin asked, popping his head into the Mess Hall's doorway. Both of the maids looked up at Corrin.

Kaze facepalmed.

"You're not gonna tell me what's actually wrong with you, right?" Corrin asked. "You're totally going to dance around the question and act all suspicious, yeah?"

"We're fine, thank you," Longhaired Felicia said. "I don't know why you would ask such a thing."

Ponytail Felicia nodded and pointed to her counterpart. "What she said. We're perfectly normal."

Corrin hummed, nodding his head slowly. "Yep, that's about what I expected to hear. Catch you later, Felicias!"

"Bye, Lord Corrin!"

"Lord Corrin!" Kaze hissed once Corrin left the maids' eyesight. "Was that truly necessary?"

Corrin shrugged. "I needed to be certain. Why go through a bunch of effort to do something wrong when there's an easier method available?"

Kaze exhaled. "Fine. Then what's your plan now?"

Corrin nodded. "Let's head to the Einherjar shop."

Kaze frowned. "What makes you think an Einherjar will spill the beans when the original Felicia will not?"

"Felicias," Corrin corrected.

"I'm not calling her by a plural," Kaze said.

Corrin crossed his arms. "Spoilsport. Anyway, the joy of Einherjar is that they're not the originals, so you can have no qualms about torturing them!"

Kaze's jaw dropped. "You're not serious!"

Corrin grinned, patting him on the shoulder. "It's okay. They're not real. Hey, 'lemme tell you a story."

* * *

 _A few months back…_

Corrin grinned.

"Father, stop it."

He shook his head. "Nuh-uh! Not until you turn into a dragon."

Shigure sighed. "Father, we've been over this."

"Nope," Corrin said, crossing his arms across his chest. "I refuse to believe you can't transform. Kana can do it!"

Shigure stared. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, dear son," Corrin said, wrapping an arm around Shigure, "but I am! Oh, and don't call me Shirley."

Shigure frowned. "I didn't."

"Really?" Corrin asked. "You should. It's a nice name."

"I don't understand-"

Corrin slapped him.

"Father!" Shigure cried.

"Yep," Corrin said. "Doesn't that just make your blood boil? Does it make the ground beneath your feet quake?"

"It…it hurts," Shigure said quietly. "That hurt, Father."

Corrin nodded. "Mmm. Okay, then let Daddy give you a hug, okay? I'll make you feel all better." Before his son could protest, Corrin wrapped Shigure up into a hug. "Shh," he said, stroking his son's hair. "It's OK. Daddy's here."

Shigure nodded slightly, sobbing into his father's shoulder. Corrin cooed, stroking his back.

"By the way," Corrin whispered into his son's ear, just barely a hair above Shigure's range of hearing, "your artwork looks like a toddler barfed it out."

"Father!" Shigure said, recoiling. "You're trying to get a rise out of me!"

"I'm just trying to get you to unleash your inner dragon, son," Corrin said, shrugging. "We could always use another dragon unit, and Kana, well… Her stats are subpar."

Shigure shook his head. "I don't understand."

"I didn't expect you to." Corrin exhaled. "Look, I didn't want to do this." He drew Yato and pointed it at Shigure. "Let's try a little fight or flight. Maybe that will trigger it."

"Father!" Shigure yelped. "You wouldn't-"

Corrin grinned. "Of course I would never actually hurt my son. But you aren't he."

Shigure frowned. "You're talking about me in third person."

"Indeed."

Shigure looked at his hands. For a split second, they seemed to have an ethereal glow. "I'm not real," he whispered.

Corrin nodded. "Impressive; I didn't think you'd figure it out this fast. Truly a testament to how well I raised him, I suppose."

"Now you're just stroking your ego," Shigure said.

"That's not the only thing I'm going to be stroking." He jabbed the sword at Shigure, who raised his lance, blocking it.

"One stroke!" Corrin cried out. "Now, let's see how well you can do before you finally transform!"

* * *

"That's awful," Kaze said after a moment's pause. "Why would you hit your son?"

Corrin shrugged. "He wasn't Shigure, Kaze. He was a facsimile. I have no problem hitting facsimiles, Kaze."

Kaze cocked an eyebrow. "That still seems incredibly unethical…"

Corrin stopped in front of the entrance to the Einherjar shop, reaching for the door handle.

Leo stood at the shop counter, his face deadpan and unamused. He was resting his elbows on the countertop.

"One Felicia Einherjar, please!" Corrin said, grinning.

"I'm a Nohrian prince," Leo said dejectedly, bending over and rummaging through a pile of cardstock. "I shouldn't have to do these kinds of tasks."

Corrin shrugged. "So am I, but you don't hear me complaining about all the menial errands I do."

Leo looked upwards and slammed a Einherjar card with an image of Felicia's face painted on the top of the counter. "Corrin, the entirety of our army has been doing nothing _but_ menial tasks for the past five weeks!"

"That's not true!" Corrin protested.

Leo sighed. "Kaze?"

"I hate to admit it, but your brother is right," Kaze said. "We haven't seen a real battle in weeks."

"What about all those Faceless battles?"

"Those were skirmishes, Corrin," Leo said. "We haven't done anything to advance our army's actual positioning in quite some time. Most of our battles seem to be done in the Deeprealms or Outrealms."

"Fine, so we haven't done anything plot important!" Corrin paused. "Hm. Does this mean King Garon's been waiting on us this whole time?"

"I don't think so," Leo said, shaking his head. "Time seems to stand still for the outside world when we're in the Astral Plane."

"That's convenient," Corrin said. "Does that mean we can just goof off and shirk our duties?"

"That's what we've _been_ doing, dammit! I am so SICK of this Astral Plane and everyone in it!" Leo sighed. "You know what? I'm going for a walk."

"But the card-"

"Is yours to keep if you leave me alone. What are you going to do, fire me?" He exited the shop.

"Let's just get this over with," said Kaze, placing the card onto the ground. A shimmering Felicia popped out, landing onto the ground with an "oof."

"What can I do you for you?" she asked, her face still lying on the ground.

"Felicia, pick yourself up," Kaze said, sighing.

She began to put your hands on her hips, pulling upwards, to no avail. Frowning, she tried once more, lifting her dress from the rear while still lying on her stomach.

Kaze watched the struggle in awe. He stood like this for a few seconds, watching his wife try and pick herself up repeatedly. Finally, he snapped out of it. "What in the world is she doing?"

" _It_ is trying to do as you asked," Corrin said. "It's trying to pick itself up." He looked down at the machination and pursed his lips. "Literally."

"Can we make her stop?"

Corrin shrugged. "You have to order her to do so. It's under your control. Remember, they're machinations. They'll take any order you give them literally." He stared at Felicia. " _Very_ literally."

"Felicia, stop trying to pick yourself up," Kaze said.

The maid did as she was ordered, her hands falling to the floor.

"Now stand up."

She stood.

"Great!" Corrin said. He paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "You know, that's odd."

"What is?"

"Kaze, Einherjar will obey any order you give them, but they also have their memories intact," Corrin explained. He pointed at Felicia. "I haven't heard a peep out of it."

"I'd really prefer if you didn't call my wife an it," Kaze grumbled.

"Kaze, she's not real. She has no feelings!"

To prove his point, Corrin then proceeded to punch Felicia in the face. She didn't so much as flinch.

"Okay, now _that's_ odd," Corrin said, eyeing the Einherjar warily. "It should have at least said 'ow.'"

Kaze pinched the bridge of his nose. "Felicia, are you feeling normal?"

"I am at full HP," she affirmed in a monotone voice. "What is your command?"

Kaze frowned. "You don't sound fine. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Do you think I am okay?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Not in the slightest," Kaze said, shaking his head.

"Then I shall perform maintenance," Felicia said. "I am Felicia. Please insert vulnerary, potion, or if necessary, an Elixir."

Corrin raised his eyebrows. "Okay, that is _definitely_ not normal. She sounds inhuman."

Kaze didn't respond.

"Okay, okay, I know. She's _not_ human. I get that. But Einherjar usually keep up the pretense for a good while or so, you know? They don't do-"

He pointed to Felicia, who had her arms pressed straight against her side and her head held high. She was wearing a vacant expression.

"-that."

Corrin poked her cheek. Felicia didn't blink. "Normally, a Felicia Einherjar would at least freak out a little, you know?"

"Lord Corrin," Kaze said slowly, "as your retainer, you know that I take interest in your affairs."

"Uh-huh."

"So why, pray tell, do you know so much about Einherjar? Specifically, Einherjar of my wife."

Corrin sighed. "It's not exclusive to your wife. I'm knowledgeable of Einherjar in general." He scratched the back of his neck. "It's not a pleasant memory, Kaze."

Kaze nodded. "In that case, there's no need to share it. I understand and respect your-"

Corrin put a hand on Kaze's shoulder. "It all started when I met up with my sister."

"Lady Elise?" Kaze asked.

Corrin shook his head. "Other one."

"Oh." Kaze's face fell. "You mean _that_."

Corrin exhaled. "Yep. I don't think I've told you the full story, though."

"Actually," Kaze said, "I really don't need to hear-"

"It all started when I summoned you, Kaze."

* * *

"Camilla?" Corrin asked, aimlessly wandering about the Astral Plane. He broke into a light jog. "Camilla? Sister, where are you?"

No one responded, prompting him to turn a corner and holler, "Kaze, come out!"

"What is it, Super-Powerful-and-Sexy Lord Corrin?" Kaze asked, appearing into thin air. "How may I serve you?"

"Drop the formalities, Kaze," Corrin said. "It's just us."

"Very well," Kaze said, nodding. "Lord Corrin, how may I help?"

"For one," Corrin started, "you can tell me how you do that ninja invisibility trick. I'd love to be able to do that."

Kaze frowned. "I'm sorry, but that is one thing I can't. That trick can't be disclosed to non-ninja."

"Damn. I was totally going to use it to snoop."

"Hot springs?"

"Lottery shop. I've always wondered where they store the little balls. I always get a silver ball! I think it's rigged."

"Hm. People usually want to see nudity."

"And by people, you mean Anna, right?"

"She was one of the ones to ask, yes."

"Niles?"

Kaze nodded.

"Laslow?"

Kaze shook his head. "Surprisingly not. Frankly, it got to the point where I was so curious why he'd never approached me that _I_ asked him myself. He just reddened and muttered something about embarrassment." He shrugged.

"Huh," Corrin said. "Nina and Soleil are a given."

Kaze exhaled. "Of course."

Corrin thought for a few seconds before frowning. "I'm out of ideas. Did I get everyone?"

Kaze shook his head. "Believe it or not, _Silas_ asked me."

Corrin whistled. "Wow. Never took him for the type."

"Neither did I," Kaze admitted. "Lady Camilla inquired, as well."

"Ugh," Corrin said, sagging. "Didn't need to hear that." He bolted upright. "Actually, that's what I summoned you for! I need help finding her."

Kaze grit his teeth. "Now might be a bad time."

"It's urgent," Corrin insisted. "Xander insisted I play delivery boy and he wants these delivered in a 'timely fashion'. His words, not mine. And besides, I'll knock."

"If you say so…" Kaze shuddered. "She's in her barracks."

Corrin began to walk away before halting in his tracks. He looked back. "Hey, Kaze?"

"Yes?"

"You never used _your_ ninja invisibility powers to spy on women yourself, did you?"

Kaze frowned. "Not intentionally, no."

Corrin furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah, but…" He sighed. "Never mind."

"Never again," Kaze muttered under his breath. "Saizo and Kagero…"

Corrin walked up to the soldier's barracks and entered the building. He found Camilla's door and hollered for her.

"Camilla?" Corrin asked, knocking thrice. "It's me, Corrin! I have some war papers Xander wanted me to deliver! Not sure why everything related to the war needs to be prefixed with 'war', but…"

"It's open!" a sultry voice called out. "Just be warned, dear, it might be a little-"

Corrin turned the knob and peered inside.

Roughly six copies of Corrin stood squished together, cuddled with a very content looking Camilla. They all looked identical – they each had the same white, unkempt hair, the same face, and the same exact bone structure. Grins of unbridled joy was visible on their faces as they snuggled with Camilla and one another in a large pile.

A few were wrapped around Camilla's arms. Some lay against her back, some on her legs. One lucky Corrin lay on her lap, lying against _her_.

"-cluttered."

Corrin slammed the door and rested his back against it, breathing heavily. Nodding quickly, he turned around and opened the door again.

"I brought these parchments for you," he said, throwing them at Camilla's feet.

One of the Corrins grabbed for it and handed it to her.

She nodded and looked over them while Corrin awkwardly twiddled his thumbs and stoodin place, traumatized.

"Corrin, dear?" Camilla asked, pausing from browsing the files to look up at him. "Are you okay?"

He tilted his head from side to side. "Eh…"

"Well, if you want to talk about it, I'm always here." She started to leaf through the sheets.

Corrin stared at the many copies of himself, frowning. He made eye contact with one, and it giggled and patted the ground, as if motioning to join him. He frowned.

"Dammit, Camilla!" Corrin suddenly cried out. "Why are there so many clones of me?"

"Ah," Camilla said, setting the parchment down. "I thought you might want to know about that."

"Gee, you _think_?" he cried. "Camilla, this is _weird_ , even by my standards!" He paused. "Also, how did you get them to sit there? I know I wouldn't want to sit _there_." He pointed at the Corrin on her lap.

"None taken," she said, shrugging. The Corrin on her lap snuggled in deeper, making Camilla giggle.

Corrin threw up a little.

"I simply ordered them to," Camilla said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Anything you order an Einherjar to do, it will do without question."

"Einherjar?" Corrin asked, frowning. "You're telling me these are all Einherjar?"

"Of course!" Camilla pointed to one of them. "Corrins, I order you to obey any command the real Corrin gives you."

The Einherjar Corrins nodded simultaneously.

"So…what?" asked Corrin. "Do I just tell it to do something?"

Camilla nodded. "It's listening for your order."

"Geez, I feel so put on the spot," Corrin said. "Uh… What's something I would never do?"

"Punch yourself in the face?" one of the Corrins suggested.

"Ooh, ooh!" another shouted. "Make out with a horse!"

"What about making out with another one of us Einherjar?" a third Corrin suggested. "I know you'd never kiss yourself. That's weird, man!"

The real Corrin shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "No, no. I can totally see myself doing that."

"So can I," the Einherjar said. "I just wanted to throw it out there. It'd be funny!"

Corrin smacked his face. "You guys are idiots."

"Durrrrrr!" one of the Corrins shouted. "Me no talk good!"

"Heehee!" another giggled. "You said a funny!"

The rest of the Corrins began to crack up and guffaw, their joyful laughter echoing around the room.

Camilla giggled. "They're based on you, dear. They have your personality and memories."

Corrin only watched the scene in utter disbelief. "Why are they doing that?" he asked. "Stop it! It's insulting!"

All the Einherjar immediately clammed up, their grins disappearing and their faces becoming vacant.

"What the hell?" Corrin asked, taking a step backwards.

"Anything you tell them to do, they will." Camilla shrugged. "You told them they were idiots and so they acted accordingly."

"But that's not a command," Corrin countered. "That's a belief."

Camilla shrugged. "They'll believe anything you tell them to." She pointed to one of the Corrins. "You. You're me."

"Gods!" the Corrin said, standing up suddenly and without warning. "What happened to me? My voice! It's so sensual and womanly!"

Corrin frowned. "Why is he-"

"And my _body_!" the Einherjar Corrin shouted, looking downwards. He cupped his pecs and began massaging them. "My breasts are HUGE!"

"Camilla, even if I thought I were you, I wouldn't do that in a million years." He eyed Camilla. "Are you sure these Einherjar were based off me?"

Camilla reddened, glancing away.

"Camilla?" Corrin raised his eyebrows. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Of course not, darling."

"Corrins," said Corrin, "I order you to tell me if she gave you any orders that I would find odd."

"She ordered us to all be in love with her!" one of the Einherjar piped up.

A lump formed in Camilla's throat.

Corrin sighed. "Why did I expect anything else? Wait… You weren't planning on _actually_ doing anything bad with them, right? Just cuddling?"

Camilla flushed red. "Er…"

"Corrins, I order you to tell me if Camilla was planning to do anything sexual with you."

"We were going to have a huge Corrin orgy!" all six Einherjar yelled unanimously.

"Fuck!" Corrin winced, covering his hands over his ears. "That was loud!"

Immediately, the Corrin Einherjar began piling on top of one another.

Corrin's eyes widened and he quickly turned around and made a swift exit He slammed the door shut and ran as far away as he could. Cries of "Let's go!", "Need a hand!", "I can help, too!" and "Let me try!" rang through his ears.

* * *

Kaze sighed. "Lord Corrin, you didn't need to tell me all that."

"I needed to vent," Corrin admitted. "The memory still haunts me to this day."

"And now it haunts me as well."

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Kaze said. "Do you have any other ideas, Lord Corrin?"

Corrin nodded. "I have tons of ideas!" He reached into a suddenly adjacent white portal and pulled out a long piece of parchment and quill. The parchment listed at least ten different ideas, each more absurd than the last.

"I'm particularly fond of number seven," Corrin said. "We get Anna's 3DS, then we press L and R and start, then-"

Kaze blinked.

"Too deus ex machina-y, you think?" Corrin shook his head. "But you know what? We're not trying to write a story about this, we're trying to solve it. Maybe that'd work. But then the question is how we go about getting it. Because I know Anna wants money to even touch the thing, and I don't know about you, but I'm currently broke."

"What's the simplest one on there?" Kaze asked. "Let's do that next."

"Well…" Corrin glanced at the list. "Let's pay Nyx a visit."

* * *

Nyx tapped her foot. "No."

"Aw, come on!" Corrin said, his hands clasped against each other. "I'm begging you here, Nyx! Cast one of those lip loose-ifying spells on Felicia - either of them!"

"Corrin," Nyx said, one eyebrow cocked, "I'm not going to cast _any_ spell on your behalf."

"What about a hex?"

She sighed. "Hexes and curses are the same thi-"

"What about a magical powder that changes things? I've heard rumors of those overseas!"

Nyx frowned. "Don't interrupt me when I am speaking, _child_." She hit him on the head with a tome. Corrin rubbed his head. "And besides, those only change how one perceives gender, nothing more."

"Sounds controversial." Corrin stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, looking upwards and thinking. He snapped his fingers. "What about a jinx?"

Nyx's foot began moving at a faster rate. "I'll jinx you if you don't get out of my presence in the next five seconds."

"But it's for Kaze!" Corrin grabbed the Ninja and pushed him towards Nyx. "Just look at that beautiful face! You're a girl! I'll bet you can't resist it!"

Nyx's eyes bugged out. "Out!" she screeched, shooing the pair out of her private quarters. "Get the hell out of my room!"

"But I'm your boss!" Corrin said.

She responded by zapping a bolt of lightning at his rear.

"Ow!" he cried. "Fine, fine! I'm leaving."

"You haven't paid me one gold!" Nyx exclaimed. "I'm in this army of my own volition, a decision which I'm beginning to regret! Out!"

The door closed with a loud slam.

Corrin and Kaze both winced.

"What exactly did you do to upset her so much?" Kaze asked.

Corrin sighed. "I asked her how old she was."

Kaze thought for a few moments. "That's it?"

"Yeah." Corrin shrugged. "She always brings up her age. I thought she wouldn't mind."

"How exactly did you ask her?" Kaze asked.

"Funny you should ask."

* * *

"Nyx, Nyx!" Corrin shouted, banging on her door. "Come on, open up!"

The door opened and a sleepy Nyx walked out. "Corrin?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. "What do you want?"

"Oh, I like the dress!" Corrin said, grinning. "It's a lot less revealing than your usual garb. I like it!"

She narrowed her eyes and put a hand on her hip, the loose-fitting cloth moving in response. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh!" Corrin said. "It's just that it's kind of weird having a soldier that's half-naked and looks like a twelve-year old. The enemy units keep giving me funny looks."

"Did you really wake me up this early in the morning to insult my attire?"

"No!" Corrin exclaimed. He paused. "Well, okay, I _did_ , but I also had something else in mind." He reached inside his outfit and pulled out a small present wrapped with a red bow. "Here."

Nyx looked at the present in her hands, a small smile forming on her lips. "You got a present…for me? No one's given me a gift in decades…"

Corrin nodded. "Uh-huh! Unwrap it!"

"You know," Nyx started as she began to unwrap the box, "I was treated as monster by others. No one else was nice to me, but lately, you've been-" She frowned, turning the box over in her hands. "It's empty."

"Yes, it's empty!" Corrin said. "I was thinking you could help me pick out a gift for Gunter since you're both the same age! His birthday is coming up soon."

Nyx glared at Corrin, her eyes burning holes in his chest.

"Phew," Corrin said, wiping his brow. "It's getting kind of hot in here, huh?"

"Leave me, child," Nyx said coolly.

"Hey!" Corrin said. "I'm not a child, I'm a man! I'm eighteen years old, at the very least. Probably. Father never told me my birthday, so I had to make one up."

"I don't care, _child_ ," Nyx said, her teeth gritted. "Leave, _now_."

Corrin narrowed his eyes. "How old are you, anyways?"

"That is none of your concern!" Nyx snapped.

"Yep," Corrin said, crossing his arms. "I called it."

Nyx's eyelid twitched. "Called _what_?"

"You're just a kid!" Corrin said, pointing a finger. "You're not actually a woman in a child's body!" He pumped his fist. "And Azura told me that I was terrible at telling when people are lying! Hah, take that!"

He paused, his eyes and smile growing wider. "Azura…" he breathed out. "Now _there's_ a woman."

"That's _it_!" Nyx snapped, clicking her fingers. "Flamingtus!"

Suddenly, Corrin's metallic armor burst into flames. "Waaaah!" he cried, flailing his arms and running in circles.

"And good riddance!" Nyx cried out, slamming the door.

* * *

"There are so many things wrong with that story," Kaze said, slowly shaking his head, "I don't even know where to start."

"Anywhere is good," Corrin said.

"For one, Nyx is truly cursed," Kaze said. "She slaughtered a village and absorbed their life energy, from what I can recall."

"Huh?"

"Also, she's _at least_ forty," Kaze added.

"Oh," Corrin said after a moment's pause. "That… That actually explains a lot. Well, let's try again, I guess." He knocked on the door.

"What is it?" Nyx snapped.

"Hello!" Corrin greeted. "I'm sorry I thought you were pretending to have a curse!" He nodded, clearly pleased with himself. "Okay, apology over. Can you help us out now?"

"No!" She tried to slam the door, but Kaze put a leg in its path. He winced when the door hit it.

"Nyx," Kaze said, "Lord Corrin truly didn't believe in the curse. He wasn't intentionally trying to ridicule you."

Nyx looked to Corrin. "Is this true?"

Corrin nodded feverishly. "Yeah. I wish you'd said something."

She glared at him.

"I-I don't think about things, ma'am."

"Clearly," she said, rolling her eyes. "However, be that as it may, I still don't want to assist you. If you need magical assistance, talk to that other dark mage fellow – the one in the revealing getup."

"Odin?" Kaze asked.

Nyx nodded. "Yes, that's the one. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and hex myself to an adult form." She sighed, muttering something about this being "the fifth time this week" and then slammed the door.

"Come on, Kaze," said Corrin. "Let's try Odin."

* * *

"But of course!"

Odin raised his hand and posed it in the air. "The Fell powers of Odin Dark are at your disposal! Ask away, friends!"

"Fantastic! Glad to hear that!" Corrin said, clasping his hands together and rubbing them. "Can you give us a spell or potion or hex or jinx that will make one of the Felicias tell the truth?"

"Ah! You wish for a concoction that will loosen the tongue?" Odin asked, grinning. "I can get you that. But be warned! Such a potion is not cheap."

"What do you want?" Kaze asked. "If it's gold you desire, we don't have much available."

"That horse is already dead," Corrin murmured.

Odin put a hand on his hip. "For you to attend my dearest daughter's epic, of course! You can see my dearest daughter on stage!"

"You want us to attend one of Ophelia's plays?" Corrin asked.

Odin nodded. "Sure, if you want to put it less dramatically."

"Deal," Corrin said, sticking a hand towards the dark mage.

Odin shook it gladly. "You shall not regret this!" he screamed, making Kaze and Corrin wince.

"I already do," Kaze muttered.

Odin slammed the door shut. After a half minute or so, he opened it again, now wielding a small bottle filled with a dark purple liquid.

"Behold!" he shouted. "The prized truth-telling potion from the Dusk household!"

"I thought your surname was Dark?" Corrin asked.

Odin shrugged. "I inherited it from my wife. Now, I shall present you with the potion and two tickets to the play of unimaginable fun and joy! And darkness. There's always darkness."

He handed Corrin the bottle. A grape was doodled on the front of it.

"This will make either of the Felicias tell the truth?" Corrin asked.

"Of course!"

"It's a truth-telling potion?"

"Without a doubt!"

Corrin sniffed the bottle. "Why does it smell like wine?"

Odin pouted. "Grapes and fermentation are involved in the potion-making process, true, but it is without a doubt a truth-telling concoction when enough is consumed."

"That just sounds like wine, Lord Corrin," Kaze said. He leaned in and popped the cork off, sniffing the fluid inside. He nodded. "Yes, this is wine."

"R-ridiculous!" Odin said, reaching in his pockets and pulling out seven pieces of parchment, each stamped with a drawing of Odin and Ophelia's face.

Parchment-Odin's face appeared happy and was on the left side. Meanwhile, his Parchment-Daughter's looked rather sad - almost to the point of crying. Hers was on the right.

"Here's some extras in case you want others to attend. Admission is free!" He looked to Kaze and grinned. "Invite your friends, too!"

Corrin coughed. "As entertaining as that sounds, we should really be off."

"I'm not sure if I trust this 'potion'," Kaze said, eyeing the bottle wearily. "Odin has been known to bluff in the past, if the others around camp tell the truth, and it still reeks of wine. And has Anna not been bottling wine in one of the child-free Deeprealms?"

Corrin shrugged nonchalantly. "I have dirt on Odin. If it doesn't do the job, Leo will be informed all about the adventures of 'Odin Dick.'"

Odin paled. "But I had cast a soundproofing hex on the room!"

"I suppose you didn't shut all the doors and windows. That's the only way the spell takes effect." Corrin grinned. "I learned that little lesson from my alternate self!"

Odin paled. "I, uh…" He quickly snatched the bottle of 'truth-telling potion' out of Corrin's hand. "I shall be right back!"

"Ophelia, help me!" Odin screeched, slamming the door behind him. "I don't have any potions or hexes that will loosen the lips!"

"Father, you have come to ask for my aid?" Ophelia said, skipping into the room. "What can the fair Ophelia Dusk do to assist you?"

"Truth telling potion!" Odin shouted, his eyes wide. "Do we have any of those left?"

Ophelia grinned. "Oh, we have tons of them! Speaking of which, some of me and my friends were wondering if I could borrow some of it for-"

"No," Odin said, shaking his head. "Chosen heroines do not drink."

"But Faaaaatherrrrr!"

* * *

"Well, it's been ten minutes," Kaze said, glancing at his wind-up pocket watch. "I think it's time we try the next idea on your list."

Corrin nodded. "All right! Next up is asking Flora."

Kaze raised an eyebrow. "What would Flora know that I wouldn't?"

Corrin shrugged. "That's what we're going to find out, I suppose." He waltzed through the halls of the soldier's barracks, looking for Flora's room. A golden sign sporting her name was on the door.

"Flooooorrrra!" Corrin shouted, knocking. "We have something to ask you!"

The door opened at an inhumanly fast pace. Flora stood there, her hands at her side and a nonchalant smile on her face. She bowed slightly. "What can I help you with, Lord Corrin?"

Corrin grinned. "Flora! How are you?"

"I am well, Lord Corrin," she said. "Is there something you needed of me?"

He nodded. "You know how Felicia's been acting super weird lately, right?"

Flora frowned. "Are you talking about how she's been split in two?"

Corrin shook his head. "Surprisingly, that's not related." He paused, tilting his head. "Well, it might be. I don't think it is. Regardless, the point is that we need your advice."

"I'm listening."

"Has Felicia ever eaten large quantities of raw sugar and/or lemon juice?"

Flora blinked. "I-I don't think so. That seems rather abnormal."

"Gotcha. Do you know anything else about her behavior?"

She shook her head. "I'm afraid not."

"Alrighty then." Corrin turned around and began to walk away. Kaze followed.

"Wait!" Flora shouted, putting a hand into the air. "Lord Corrin!"

"Hm?" Corrin asked.

"I'd like to fight on the battlefield!" Flora proclaimed. "I know I'm not as good a warrior as Felicia, but I'd like to help!"

Corrin shook his head. "Can't do that, sorry."

Flora deflated. "Oh, I see. I'm sorry…"

"Now, now," Corrin said, shaking his head. He put a hand on Flora's shoulder. "I didn't mean I _won't_. I meant that I _can't_. I need to upgrade the Fire Orb to level three first. That seems a little insensitive, really, but it is what it is."

"What does my fighting have to do with the ballista?" she asked. "That makes no sense!"

"You're telling me," Corrin scoffed. "Anyway, I can't help you out. Sorry, Flora."

Flora frowned and slowly closed the door.

"Poor girl," Corrin said. "Well, let's try out the next thing."

"And that would be?" Kaze asked.

Corrin grinned. "Kaze, how do you think I'd look in a dress?"

Kaze frowned. "Rather poorly, I suppose. Why do you ask?"

"Mmm." Corrin nodded. "I'm gonna hop in your wife's body, see if I can't discover anything. Maybe I can get the other Felicia to talk if I'm a Felicia."

Kaze's eyes widened. "You're going to use a body-switching hex?"

"Body-swapping grimoire, actually," Corrin corrected.

* * *

"A body-switching grimoire?" Odin asked, his hair disheveled and his torso covered in various colored powders. "You don't want the truth-telling potion?"

"First of all," Corrin said, "it's a body-swapping grimoire."

"Switching."

"And secondly, I'll take the truth-telling potion, too."

Odin sighed. "Truth be told, Ophelia and I are still developing the potion. It does not exist as of yet."

"Corrin!" Effie shouted, embracing him suddenly and without warning. "You're a mediocre guy, you don't know that?"

"Can't…breathe…" Corrin winced, his eyes bulging.

"Oh! I'm not sorry about that," Effie released him. "How aren't you doing, Corrin?"

Kaze glared at Effie.

Corrin moaned, rubbing his ribs.

Odin shrugged. "She's under the influence of one of the preliminary drafts. Right now, it makes her say the opposite of the truth."

"Ow," Corrin moaned. "Well, can't we work with that?"

"What happens if the person under the effects of the potion says something with no opposite statement?" asked Kaze.

"That's precisely the reason the current potion isn't viable," Odin explained. "The potion needs to actually result in those under its effects being honest."

"I suppose the body-switching tome will do, then," Kaze said, sighing. He turned to Corrin. "I expect you know there will be a hands-off rule in my wife's body, correct?"

"Yeah, yeah," Corrin mumbled. "No touching sexual parts, no using the bathroom. I've done this whole shebang before."

"Bathroom?" Odin inquired. "Did you intend to say the hot springs?"

"Nope," Corrin said. "Can you give me the tome?"

Odin leapt away for a moment. Crashing and banging could be heard before he leapt back, grinning and holding a small book.

"Here you are, Lord Corrin!" Odin said, bowing. "Now, will you keep my secret locked in the depths of my heart?"

"Yeah, sure." Corrin grabbed the tome and began to read through it. "So I just have to read this, right? I don't need to be in a tome-wielding class?"

Odin nodded. "Even a novice can do it. However, make sure to use it wisely. If used improperly, the tome can result in a situation most vexing!"

"Thanks Odin!" Corrin said. "Come on, Kaze. Time to tie me up!"

Kaze sighed.

* * *

Corrin's arms were bound behind his back tightly. Longhaired Felicia was next to him, her legs and hands bound, and her mouth gagged.

"That was significantly easier than expected," Corrin said as Kaze tied his leg restraints tighter. "I thought you'd have to resort to knocking Felicia unconscious." He opened his mouth and Kaze began to tie the gag around his neck and stuff it in his mouth.

"Wait!" Corrin said. "I have to use the bathroom!"

Kaze frowned. "Can't you hold it in?"

"No!" Corrin pointed his head towards Longhaired Felicia. "If she's tied up in my body and I must use the bathroom, she's gonna do it all over my body! That's gross!"

"I didn't need that image in my head," Kaze said quietly. He undid the knots binding Corrin's legs and arms. "Very well. Please hurry."

Corrin got up, found a nearby tree, and did his business.

"Lord Corrin?" Kaze asked. "I just thought of something."

"Hit me," Corrin said, washing his hands in a nearby stream.

"We're in what used to be Kana's Deeprealm," Kaze said.

Corrin nodded. "That's correct."

"If you switch bodies with Felicia and then go to the outside world, won't an unfathomable amount of time pass from the start of our investigation to the end of it?"

Corrin shook his hands, water droplets falling off them. He began to dry them on his mechanist cloak. "Damn. I actually didn't think about that." He looked to Felicia. "Guess we'll have to drag her along with me."

"Wouldn't it be him in this context, my Lord?"

"I'm not quite sure," Corrin said, looking downward. "Anyway! You remember what the safe word is, right?"

Kaze nodded. "Yes, I am to release Felicia's body only when he-er, _it_ -says that word."

Corrin nodded. "Perfect. We'll think of another safe word when Felicia and I need to switch back. Ready, Kaze?"

Kaze nodded and held up a cloth strip.

"With a flick of the wrist...and a click of the tongue... Hah!" Corrin said.

"Did it work?" Kaze asked. He looked over at Felicia.

Felicia lay on the ground, unconscious.

Kaze frowned. "Lord Corrin, I don't think it worked. She's still unconscious, and you're still you."

Corrin nodded. "I think so, too. Hey, I'm gonna go get Odin and see what he has to say, okay? Perhaps he has some ideas." He walked off to the portal leading out of the Deeprealm. He jumped through.

"Mmph!" Longhaired Felicia cried, suddenly jolting awake. "Mmmph-mmph!" She frantically struggled against her bonds, rocking back and forth.

"What is it?" Kaze asked, yanking the gag downwards. "For the last time, we're not going to hurt-"

"Dammit, Kaze!" she yelled. "You let the wrong one go, man! We specifically went over this situation and how to avoid it entirely!"

Kaze recoiled. "What?"

"That wasn't me - that was Azura!" Felicia shouted. She tilted her head, nodding. "The real Felicia, who's in my head - well, _this_ head, I suppose - just told me that."

"What?" Kaze asked, now more confused than ever. "The person I released was Azura…?"

"Yes!" Felicia said. "And if we don't find a way out of here in the next few years, I'm going to have my reputation ruined with a ghost Azura running around as me!"

"In the next few years?"

Felicia shrugged as much as her bonds allowed. "Deeprealm time. Remember?"

Kaze sighed. "Right." He started untying her.

"No, no, no!" Felicia shouted, bouncing around in her bonds. "You have to wait for me to say the safe word, remember? I could be Felicia still!" He paused, muttering to himself and nodding. "Okay, so I could be _Azura_."

"You're clearly Corrin," Kaze countered. "No one else spouts such fast-paced nonsense."

"You're not wrong," said Felicia. "But I still want to say the safe word. I've got to follow the protocol."

"You made the protocol up!"

"Yes, and that's why I'm following it to a T."

Kaze sighed. "Just say it."

"Say what?"

"The _safe word_!"

Felicia grinned sheepishly. "I kind of forgot it…?"

"Oh, for the love of-"

"I remembered!" Felicia said. "It's Hero-King!"

"It was actually 'Marth,'" Kaze said, untying the gag from the back of Felicia's neck. He began to undo the knots around her wrists.

"So, I'm guessing you want an explanation of what's going on, huh?" asked Felicia-Corrin.

"That would be nice, yes."

Felicia nodded, her ponytail hitting the back of her neck. She giggled.

Kaze rolled his eyes.

* * *

Author's Notes

Ooh, an almost-nonsensical cliffhanger! Spooky.

I think this one ran a bit too long and had too many flashbacks. Hm.

With this chapter comes the end of a regular schedule. I'm starting classes again, so this this fic will be updated more irregularly, maybe. Quality won't take a hit, though! I can assure you that much.

The "body-switching with Felicia" plot thread was supposed to be shorter, but I kept thinking of stupid and funny ideas, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger until this whole damned thing surpassed 7,000 words.

Whoops.

Fun fact of the day: Did you know that I mistitled this fic? I called it _The Mechanist's Secret Power_ in the intro to every chapter, yet I called it _The Mechanists' Secret Power_ in the story title. Whoops!

Also, this story is featured in chapters 15 and 16 of _Corrin Reacts!_ , and that's pretty awesome! So check that out if you want. It's another very silly crack fanfiction.

Link here: s/11967860/15/Corrin-Reacts

As always, reviews, (positive and negative!) criticisms, thoughts, ideas, spelling errors and more are encouraged in the comments and via PM!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	18. The Part Where Corrin Wears a Dress

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 18: The Part Where Corrin Wears a Dress**

* * *

"Ugh…" Corrin sat on the floor, completely out of it. He groaned and closed his eyes, massaging his forehead. "What happened? Kaze, did the body swap work?"

"Lord Corrin!" a squeaky voice cried out from behind. "Are you really real?"

Corrin's eyes shot open. He crab-walked around quickly on his hands. When he saw who was speaking, he gawked.

Felicia was hovering a solid three feet above the clean white marble flooring. A solid stream of rainbows was being expelled from her palms, seemingly used as a sort of propulsion that enabled her to hover in place. She looked quizzically at Corrin.

"Lord Corrin?" Felicia asked once more. "Are you another figment of my imagination?"

"What the heck?" Corrin shouted. "Felicia, you're floating!"

She frowned, hovering lower to the ground and using her hand-jets to soften the blow as her heels clinked on the floor. "Oh," she said. "Are you real?"

"Of course I'm real! Why wouldn't I be?"

Felicia shrugged nonchalantly and pointed to Corrin's right. "Because they aren't."

An army of Kazes stood dressed in butler costumes, and each held various objects.

Corrin gawked.

One Kaze had a plate of candies, another a pile of warm towels. A third had a glass filled with a green concoction, and the fourth and fifth were holding a set of tea cups and a tea kettle.

"A drink for the lovely Felicia?" the Kaze holding the drink asked, bowing. He offered a green drink with a small umbrella on top. "It's called ambrosia, my love."

Felicia skipped over and took it. "Wow, you always seem to know what I want right when I want it, Kaze!"

"We are part of your subconscious," one of the Kaze butlers offered, bowing. "For instance, right now you really want me to give you a back massage." He stretched his arm out and pulled the black sleeve back, showing his forearm. His forearm began to grow, comically large muscles appearing. Felicia whimpered slightly. "Would you like me to do so?"

"M-maybe later," said Felicia, sipping the drink through a straw and ogling the Kaze's biceps. "R-right now I'm talking to someone."

Corrin raised his eyebrows.

"See?" she asked, walking back over to Corrin. "Anything I want, and I can do it!" She pressed her free hand outwards. A stream of rainbows shot out. She aimed it at the floor and began hovering.

"Where are we, exactly?" Corrin asked, frowning. "Some fantasy Outrealm?"

Felicia started to fly around, doing figure eights and loop-de-loops. She sipped her drink as she did so, the contents miraculously staying inside the cup. "I don't think so, Lord Corrin!" she said, flying away from him.

Bizarrely enough, Corrin still heard her voice clear as day, even though she was flying in the opposite direction. It wasn't fading out, either.

"Felicia, can you stop flying around in circles? This is serious!"

Felicia rolled her eyes and continued flying. "Now I _know_ you're not real. Lord Corrin would never do that."

"Do what?"

"Take anything seriously. He's not the type."

Corrin frowned. "I do _too_ take things seriously!"

Felicia snorted.

"Fine, you have a point. Seriously, though, where are we?" Corrin stood up, pacing around. He tapped his foot on the solid white floor. "Hey, why's everything maid-themed?"

"Hm?"

Corrin pointed at the dresser.

"Oh, that's a magic dresser! Anything I want comes out of it!" Felicia flew over to the dresser and pulled open one of the drawers. A Kaze crawled out, dressed in nothing but his white underwear. He pecked her on the lips, causing Felicia to giggle.

"Not what I'm referring to," Corrin said, shaking his head. He pointed to the bottom of the dresser – it was wearing a comically large black and white maid skirt.

"Hm," Felicia said. "Must just be the aesthetic!"

"Or you have no other interests," Corrin countered. "Don't you do anything besides be my maid?"

Felicia shook her head. "Not really!"

Corrin exhaled. "After we figure out what's wrong with you, then we need to find you a hobby. How about knitting?"

Felicia pursed her lips.

A semi-transparent copy of her appeared adjacent in a puff of smoke, sitting on a brown chair. The Felicia copy was humming happily. Without any visible reason, the copy stuck a needle in its forehead. "Ow," the copy said, frowning, with the needle smack dab in the middle of its forehead. "That'll leave a mark! Stupid, stupid clumsy me!"

The copy vanished, chair included, in another smoke puff.

"What the hell just happened?" Corrin cried, pointing at the spot where the Felicia copy was a few seconds ago.

"Oh, that happens sometimes!" Felicia said cheerfully. "Whenever I imagine something, it appears in the background. It's kind of fun!"

Corrin slowly nodded, thinking. "Felicia, I think we're in an Outrealm where your imagination comes to life."

Felicia blinked. "I thought we were just trapped inside my subconscious."

"Oh. I guess it could be that, too," Corrin grumbled. His face suddenly lit up. "Wait! That means the body swap worked!"

Felicia floated down to the ground, putting her hands at her side. She tilted her head slightly. "What are you talking about?"

"You mean you don't know? I've swapped bodies with you!"

Felicia's eyes widened. "Why did you do that?"

"To figure out what was wrong with you. Duh."

"What was wrong with me?"

"You were acting super weird and being all lovey-dovey with the other Felicia. You also ate and drank sugar and possibly raw lemon juice. I didn't think that was so weird, but Kaze-"

"Kaze's involved in all this?" Felicia asked, frowning. "He wasn't with us when we set out for the Outrealms!"

"Wait," Corrin said slowly. "Set out for the… Felicia, what's the last thing you remember?"

"Ghosts," she said slowly. "There was a ghost you and a ghost Azura. The ghost Corrin possessed the other me, and then the ghost Azura flew at me. After that, I'm drawing a blank." She frowned. "The ghosts were talking about possessing my body and doing disgusting things with it."

Corrin tapped his chin. "And you say the ghost Azura flew at you?"

Felicia nodded. "Uh-huh! She felt cold."

"Hm…" Corrin snapped his fingers. "One of the ghosts must have possessed you. That's why you were acting so strange!"

Felicia frowned, slowly nodding. "I…suppose that makes sense." She tilted her head. "Does that mean they actually did those things with my body?" She shivered, hugging her arms.

"Eureka!" Corrin said. "Then that must be why you were wearing your hair down! Azura hates putting her hair in a ponytail."

"Nice teamwork, Lord Corrin!" Felicia said, reaching her arm upwards. "High-five!"

Corrin and Felicia high-fived, both grinning stupidly.

"We're such a great team, Felicia. I'm so glad to have you as a friend."

She beamed. "Me too, Lord Corrin! Not many other people would switch bodies with someone just to check up on their health!"

Corrin's eyes widened. "Wait a minute."

Felicia's smile lowered. "Was it something I said?"

He nodded. "A ghastly Azura possessing you…" He paused. "If we're here in _your_ head, then…" He grabbed Felicia's shoulders and began to shake her back and forth frantically. "Felicia, we have to wake you up!"

"I-I d-don't k-know h-how!" she said, her voice wavering from the frantic shaking. "L-Lord C-Corrin, s-stop s-shaking m-me!"

"Now's not the time, Felicia!" He released her shoulders, turning around and placing a hand on his chin. "Now, how do we get you to wake up? Do we just think 'wake up' super hard? Because I'm trying that right now, and-"

* * *

"Mmph!" Corrin finished. He frowned and opened his eyes. Kaze stood in front of him, his arms crisscrossed and his face annoyed.

"What the heck?" Corrin asked. It came out as "mmmph-mmph!"

 _I didn't mean to say that_ , Corrin thought. _What's going on?_

He frowned, but felt resistance on his lips. How odd. He pursed his lips once more. Yep, there was a gag in place binding his mouth.

 _I think we're outside my head now, Lord Corrin!_ someone responded.

Corrin's eyes widened. _Who's there? How do you know my name?_

 _Lord Corrin?_ the voice thought. _Is that you? You can hear me?_

 _Of course I can! Can YOU hear me, voice?_

 _Wait… That voice sounds like Lord Corrin!_

 _Yep! And you're Felicia, right? I guess we can hear each other's thoughts!_

An "eek!" sound could be heard in Corrin's head, followed by an uncomfortable whimper.

 _Don't think about Kaze naked, don't think about Kaze naked…_

Corrin giggled into his gag. _I wonder if the body swap was successful? Guess there's only one way to find out. Right, Felicia?_

 _Don't think about Kaze naked, don't think about Kaze naked…_

An image of Kaze without clothes on popped up in Corrin's mind's eye.

 _DANG IT!_ Felicia whimpered.

Corrin giggled into his gag. _It's okay. I've been in the Hot Springs with him before. It's nothing new._

 _But,_ Felicia started, _in the Hot Springs, people wear towels and bathing suits!_

 _I don't._

 _Well, you should!_

 _Felicia, it's a room filled with steam! Why should I wear a towel?_

 _Lord Corrin… Sometimes I wonder about you._

Corrin shook his head. He noticed an odd sensation on the back of his neck.

 _A ponytail!_ he thought.

With wide eyes, he looked down at his now-foreign body. He saw a large blue gem held in place by a golden trim. The piece itself sat in the center of a white frill that hid above two rather average breasts. At the very least, he thought they were. Oddly enough, he could feel them just… _sitting there_ …on his chest, static. It was one hell of a feeling.

Shaking his head slightly, Corrin continued his search downwards. He was wearing a white apron with jagged edges on and a black skirt beneath it, his thighs exposed and vulnerable. Jet black leggings sat on his legs and were finished off by some stylish high heels. Whimpering, he noticed there was a remarkable lack of _something_ sitting inside his thighs.

 _This is really freaking weird,_ Corrin thought. _This is super-duper freaking weird._ He shook his head and was acutely aware that his hair was much longer, tied in the back. _I never thought I'd be a woman._

 _You're so crass, Lord Corrin,_ Felicia thought. _My body is not "weird!"_

 _If you suddenly had a penis, I think you'd feel differently._

Felicia made a groaning sound. _Perhaps…_

Corrin strained to look to the side in his bonds. His body was nowhere to be seen. He stared at Kaze for a few tense seconds, then began to thrash around in his restraints.

Kaze walked up to him and yanked the gag downwards. "For the last time," he said, "we're not going to hurt-"

"Dammit, Kaze!" Corrin shouted, now acutely aware he had Felicia's high-pitched and shaky voice. "You let the wrong one go, man! We specifically went over this situation and how to avoid it entirely!"

Kaze stepped back. "What?"

"That wasn't me - that was Azura!"

 _Tell him that I told you that!_ Felicia added. _Also, tell him that he looks cute today!_

Corrin nodded Felicia's head. "The real Felicia, who's in my head - well, _this_ head, I suppose - just told me that."

"What?" Kaze asked. "The person I released was Azura…?" He shook his head. "I don't understand."

"Yes!" Corrin continued, his (Felicia's?) voice cracking. "And if we don't find a way out of here in the next few years, I'm going to have my reputation ruined with a ghost Azura running around as me!"

Kaze tilted his head.

* * *

"In your head," Kaze parroted. "My wife is in your head."

"In her head, technically," Corrin said. "Oh, and before it gets any more confusing, just refer to us both as 'Felicia.'"

"But you're most certainly not Felicia," Kaze replied, pursing his lips. "You may have her appearance and voice, but you have not her mannerisms, body language, or memories."

 _He knows me so well,_ Felicia thought. _Isn't that so sweet?_

Corrin frowned. "Your wife is weird, Kaze."

Kaze quietly sighed. "Lord Corrin, don't we have a mission to do?"

"Oh, yeah!" Corrin said, standing up and brushing the edges of his skirt. "Whoa!" he cried out, landing flat on his face. He slowly picked himself up. "How does Felicia walk in these things?"

 _They're required maid uniform!_ Felicia chirped.

"But why?" Corrin asked. "Does King Garon have a maid fetish?"

 _I'm…not quite sure,_ Felicia replied. _Lord Corrin, that's just how things are._

"Well, I don't like it," Corrin mumbled. He stood up shakily, leaning on Kaze for support. His wrist brushed against the bottom of his skirt. "It's so…soft," Corrin said, starting to touch the fabric at the bottom of his skirt and bouncing it in his hands.

 _Please don't fondle my skirt_ , Felicia thought.

"Please don't fondle my wife's skirt," Kaze said, exhaling slightly.

Corrin sighed. "You two are a bundle of butts, you know that?" At the mention of butts, his eyes were inexplicably drawn down towards Kaze's groin area. Suddenly, he noticed for the first time how appealing Kaze's hips looked. He had the strangest urge to touch them and caress them, feeling Kaze's thigh muscles in his now-smaller hands. He wanted to lay kisses all over them, perhaps in a dim, candle-lit room.

"Kaze?" Corrin asked, frowning and looking his hands over. "Why do I want to have sex with you?"

Kaze frowned. He opened and closed his mouth.

 _Lord Corrin,_ Felicia thought, _I think my body is influencing you. Uh… Please try to resist the urges._

Corrin sighed. "Felicia, I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Is it possible for you take control of your body? I'll take a backseat, if possible. This is your body, after all."

After a few moments of silence, Felicia made a sound akin to a huff in his head. _I can't move so much as an arm, Lord Corrin._

"I suppose I'll have to be the leader, then!" Corrin replied, grinning Felicia's pearly whites.

* * *

"This should be the place," Kaze said, walking up to an impossibly large stone building that was painted pink. He turned his head, scanning the horizon. "Frankly, it has to be. It's the only building within miles."

 _How pretty,_ Felicia thought. _I love the colors!_

"Really?" Corrin said. "I think it's gauche."

 _What's gauche?_ Felicia asked.

"That means I think it looks tacky."

"Lord Corrin," Kaze inquired, "Were you just talking with my wife?"

Corrin nodded. "Mmm-hmm." He patted Kaze on the back.

"This situation is so strange…" Kaze mumbled. "Regardless, we need to hurry."

Corrin put his hand on the knob and froze, turning his head around. "Why?"

"Beg pardon?" Kaze asked. "What do you mean?"

Corrin turned his whole body around, facing Kaze head-on. "Why _do_ we have to hurry, Kaze? We're in a Deeprealm. We have an almost infinite amount of time on our hands! When we walk outside, unless we've stalled in here for _years_ , Alternate-Azura-in-my-body will be only a few seconds ahead of us and we can tackle her down!"

Kaze shifted uncomfortably. "I suppose so, but…"

 _Um, excuse me,_ Felicia thought. _If I might interject…_ "

"Oh!" Corrin said. "Felicia, what is it?"

 _We don't have any food or water._

Corrin frowned. "Kaze, I just thought of something. We don't have any food or water."

"No, you didn't. My wife did."

"How'd you guess?"

Kaze raised an eyebrow. "You just mentioned Felicia by name. I'm not stupid."

Corrin sagged. "I suppose we should be going, then. And such a shame, too. I wanted to enjoy being Felicia."

Kaze's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Not like that!" Corrin said, waving his arms frantically. "I meant that I'd have a girls' day out! I could gather a bunch of the women and we could all get our nails painted, our feet massaged, and place cucumbers on our eyes while we tan!"

"You are aware we are at war, correct?" Kaze asked, tilting his head slightly. "We do not have time for such frivolities."

Corrin glared. "Kaze, I spent four hours trying to fly yesterday. I think we can take all the time we need."

Kaze exhaled. "Forgive my manner of speaking, but that doesn't mean you _should_ be doing such things, Lord Corrin. Your soldiers are getting quite antsy as is - the Astral Plane is not exactly spacious."

"No, I suppose it's not," Corrin affirmed. "Look, can we just get started? I'm getting hungry already, and I just ate this morning."

 _You may have, Lord Corrin,_ Felicia thought, _but I_ _don't know if I did…_

"No, I suppose you wouldn't remember that…" Corrin turned the door handle. "Come on, Kaze and Felicia. Let's head inside and see what kind of wacky hijinks Izana has in store for us!"

 _Not like I have much choice,_ Felicia thought. _You're in control of my body now._

Corrin shook his head. "Why is that, anyways? I thought we'd share control. We are both in your head."

 _I'm not sure,_ Felicia admitted. _It may have something to do with the magic that the ghastly Azura used on me._

"Magic?" Corrin asked. "I thought it was just your bog-standard possession?"

 _Standard?_ Felicia asked. _You say that like it's something that happens every day!_

"Well, that's because it is!" Corrin paused. "Somewhere, probably. There are a _lot_ of Outrealms, Felicia."

* * *

Meeting two copies of his wife was not the start to his day that Kaze had hoped for. He'd expected Lord Corrin to return from his misadventure (that he had, to his chagrin, been only informed about prior to said quest occurring) unscathed and blabbering about the mysteries of whatever strange place he had visited.

What Kaze did NOT expect was Lord Corrin arriving with the ability to replicate. Naturally, of course, the desire to use it for unprincely hijinks and mischief came with.

More concerning, however, was the sudden appearance of Felicia. To be more specific, the sudden appearance of a _second_ one. Both iterations of his wife appeared the same, even if they walked and moved with entirely different mannerisms. (One of them even moved _gracefully!_ )

The dilemma got even more confusing when both Felicias started acting like outsiders and neither like his wife. They would away, shrugging their shoulders when he'd gently place a hand on them.

When Kaze found out that the Felicias had been possessed, he was not as shocked as he could have been. The strange and erratic behaviors should have cued him in. It wasn't like possession was uncommon in the land of Nohr.

The situation escalated when Lord Corrin claimed to have switched bodies with his wife and started to make his wife act like even more of a fool than she had been prior. It was at that point that Kaze had decided that he'd officially reached the peak of insanity, and he should just stop questioning things and roll with it.

" _Ahem_ ," Kaze said, tapping his foot.

Corrin sighed and turned the handle to Izana's house. "Yeah, yeah…"

The first thing Kaze noticed was the noise. Heavy sounding, low-pitched droning sounds were being blasted at his ears with incredibly loud volume. They were played at consistently interspersed intervals. Felicia's entire body (or Corrin's, as it were) shook every time the noises boomed. The room smelled faintly of perfume.

The second thing he noticed was the lights. Intense, vivid lights could be seen projected onto the walls of the room. Red, blue, green, purple, yellow… The colors kept changing rapidly, yet were in synch with the pounding bass in his head. He winced.

There were two doors on either side of the room. Colored streamers fell from the cleaning, lightly brushing the top of Kaze's face.

Corrin blew on one; it lightly fell back against his face.

"LORD CORRIN!" Kaze shouted. "ARE WE UNDER ATTACK?"

"I DON'T THINK SO!" Corrin said. "BUT I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT'S HAPPENING!"

"Hello!" Izana greeted. He walked up to the duo (trio?), clad in a cream-colored bathrobe. "How's it hanging?"

"IZANA?" Corrin asked. "IS THAT YOU?"

Izana giggled and waved his hand. "Yep! Izana, in the flesh! What's up?"

"WHAT?" Corrin asked. "YOU'RE EATING FLESH?"

"I'M VERY SURE HE DIDN'T SAY THAT, LORD CORRIN!"

"Why are you guys yelling?!" Izana asked, looking between the two. "Is the music too loud?"

"THE NOISE!" Corrin squeaked. He wasn't used to a higher-pitched voice, and his shout had come out as a whimper.

"You mean the music?" Izana asked. He beamed and waved his hands in the air. "That's because this is a daaaaaaance party!"

Kaze's eyelids started twitching. Despite his instincts to cover his ears, he needed to remain vigilant. This was the prime time for an assassin to pop out and attack Corrin…and if Corrin was injured, so was his wife. A double-injury whammy, so to speak.

"I CAN'T HEAR A THING!" Corrin shouted. "TURN THAT RACKET DOWN!"

"Fine, fine. One moment," Izana said, pouting. He opened one of the doors and made a cross motion with his hands. The music and vivid colors cut out suddenly. Skipping back to Kaze and Corrin, he clasped his hands together. "Now, what can I do for you fellas today?"

"Whoa whoa whoa," Corrin said, shaking his head. "Nuh-uh. First tell us what that noise was."

"Oh, you mean my band?" Izana asked. "They're in the adjacent room. I can introduce you if you want!"

"But why was it so loud and _pound-y_? I don't know of any instruments that are capable of that."

Izana giggled and pinched Corrin's cheek. "Well of course _you_ don't, silly! I used a spell to enhance the reverberations so I could get that amazingly room-shattering bass!"

Kaze's eyes narrowed. His hand reached in his pants, pulling out a concealed shuriken. "Take your hands off my liege at once."

"Hey, buddy," Izana said, "I'm an archduke. You can't order me around!"

"Hands. Off."

"Okay, okay!" Izana said, letting go of Corrin's cheeks. "Sheesh, you guys need to chill out." He grinned a little. "Would you like any wine?"

"I'm fine," Kaze said, shaking his head. He took his hand out of his pocket, still eyeing Izana wearily. "Let's try and focus on the mission at hand."

"I'll take some!" Corrin said, grinning. He started to massage his cheeks. "Hey, you _do_ have soft cheeks, Felicia! What? No, it's a compliment!" He put his hands at his side and rolled his eyes. "You're a sourpuss, you know that? If we were sharing _my_ body, I would let you touch anything! They're my hands now, too!"

Izana leaned into Kaze's shoulder. "Is she normally like this?"

Kaze shook his head and sighed. "That is no 'she,' unfortunately."

Izana leaned back and raised an eyebrow. He broke out into a grin. "You're crossdressing? You look great, sweetie!"

Corrin frowned. "Not…quite?"

"Archduke Izana," Kaze started, "I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume those noises were intentional."

Izana crossed his arms and beamed. "Yeppers! That was super fun, right? I call it a 'rave!' Feel free to have your own! I'm trying to start a trend!"

Corrin frowned. "There were colors on the ceiling. How did you _do_ that?"

"All part of the spell!" Izana explained. "You want me to give you guys a copy? I release all my original party concepts under an open-source license, meaning you can use them without restriction if you share your own variations in return! Pretty nifty, eh?"

Kaze and Corrin stared at him.

"What?" he asked, his face becoming crestfallen. "Did you not like it?"

"Uh… Not quite." Corrin shook his head and scratched the back of his neck quite harshly. "Sorry. I'm not used to having a ponytail." He paused. "Fine. I won't itch it anymore. But itching isn't bad for your skin, Felicia! It's normal! No, I don't _care_ if you have really pale skin, it's normal!"

Izana raised an eyebrow at the odd display, but gestured to a couch in the center of the room nonetheless. "Sit, friends! I don't get many visitors around here. I guess most of your army stops visiting the Deeprealms as soon as their kids leave. Still, it makes a great place to party! No one's around for miles. I can crank up the amplification tome as loud as I want!"

"Whose Deeprealm was this, anyway?" Corrin asked. "Kana's?"

"I don't know!" Izana shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Is that why you live here now?" Kaze asked, frowning slightly. "To party?"

"Yep!" Izana beamed. "I can party for an almost-infinite amount of time here, and no one will have missed me back in Izumo! It's the best vacation spot eveeeeerrrr!"

"Why did you leave in the first place if you had a country to run?" Kaze asked.

Izana crossed his arms. "Oh! That's easy. Your Astral Plane had a hot spring!"

"There's gotta be hot springs in Izumo," Corrin countered. "Especially with you in charge."

Izana shook his head. "None as nice as yours!"

"You're a strange man, Izana," Corrin said, plopping down on the couch and crossing his feet. He placed his feet on top of a nearby futon. "But that's part of why I like you!"

Izana raised an eyebrow. "Do you now?" He grinned. "Thanks, stranger!"

"Oh, right," Corrin giggled, covering his hand over his mouth. "You think I'm Felicia!"

"I think you're who now?" Izana raised a hand and put it on his head, massaging it. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, then shook his head. "Nope. No memory of you. Regardless, welcome to my humble abode! I'm Izana, archduke of Izumo! Feel free to have some refreshments!"

He gestured to a table on the side that was topped to the brim with various delicacies. Plates of different cheeses, bowls of salsas, five different kinds of crackers… Heck, there were even three different types of wine!

"Gods," Corrin moaned, eyes widening at the display. His stomach rumbled. "We can eat _all_ of that?"

"Anything for my guests!" Izana beamed. "You're the first visitor here in years!" He paused. "From my perspective, at least."

Running to the table, Corrin began devouring plate after plate.

Kaze stared in horror.

"Felicia, you'll be fine!" Corrin said, biting directly into a small block of sharp cheddar cheese. "You may be slightly gassy in a few hours, but by then I'll be out of your body! Don't worry about your weight."

Izana looked at Kaze. "Do you want anything?" He pointed to Kaze's stomach. "You're too thin, dear. You need to eat something."

"I'm not hungry," Kaze replied calmly. "Thank you for the offer."

"Suit yourself."

Setting the half-eaten cheese block down, Corrin sighed. "Fine, I'll stop eating for now. Hey! Felicia, don't judge me! I was hungry! Yes, I know that you work hard to maintain your body, and… Look, men don't usually have to worry about that kind of thing as much as women do!"

"No, we do." Kaze shook his head. "You just have an incredibly high metabolism when you're a dragon. Your body is absolutely massive."

"So you're saying I'd be fat if I wasn't a dragon?" Corrin asked.

Kaze shifted his stance. "I'm not certain I feel comfortable answering that."

"Are you OK, little lady?" Izana asked, raising an eyebrow. "Do you need me to get you some healing potions? The trombone player in the back-room doubles as our local apothecary."

Corrin shook his head. "I'm fine. Just talking to Felicia." He knocked on the side of his skull. "She's in here!"

"Riiight," Izana said, his grin fading. "Listen, you wait here, okay? I'll grab a vulnerary."

"No, wait!" Corrin hopped off the couch, tripping over the futon and landing on his face. He grumbled and shook his head and held out a hand in front of Izana. "It's me, Corrin!"

Izana frowned and gave him a once-over. "Corrin is a man with white hair."

"Oh," Corrin said, nodding. "You're probably confused because of my body."

Izana raised an eyebrow. "If you're coming on to me, I'm not interested. Sorry!"

"No, no! I mean this isn't my body! I'm Corrin, but I'm inside Felicia's body!"

Izana frowned. "Who's Felicia?"

"The owner of this body!"

"How can someone else own your body?"

Kaze massaged his head."

"Because we used a body-swapping spell!"

Izana grinned and clapped his hands. "That sounds so FUN! Can I try?"

Corrin nodded. "Sure!"

"We don't need anyone else in my wife's body," Kaze said. "Please do not."

"Aww," Corrin said, frowning. "But I want to be Izana! He's fun!"

"Archduke Izana," said Kaze, "do you know how to open the portal that exits this Deeprealm?"

"What do you mean? It should be open."

Kaze pointed to Corrin. "Apparently, a ghastly Azura is occupying _his_ body and closed the portal."

"Hm," Izana said. "That _is_ a thinker, huh? Hold on a second, will you?"

Kaze nodded. "Yes, of c-"

"I'm baaaaack!" Izana said, entering the room.

Corrin frowned, scratching his head. "Did you not just leave-"

"Here you go!" Izana said, handing Kaze a scroll. "Give this to Anna. She can help you re-open the portal."

"What exactly is this?" Kaze asked, taking the binding ribbon off the scroll and unwrapping it. "A recipe?"

"Sort of! It's a magical list of ingredients and steps to prepare said ingredients!"

"That sounds like a _magical_ recipe."

Izana giggled.

"Hold on. You're making us go on a fetch quest?" Corrin asked.

"No, a _delivery_ quest! I need you to give this to Anna. I'll give you the money, and you give me the good stuff!"

Corrin took the list from Izana and scanned it over. "Seems reasonable. You need twelve bottles of wine, ten bottles of ale, five-hundred steel-forged cups, two blocks of cheese… Wait a second." He waved the parchment in the air. "Izana, this is a shopping list!"

"Yep!" Izana beamed. "I need you fellas to get drinks and groceries from Anna! She runs a brewery/shop!"

Corrin frowned. "You're using us to do your grocery shopping?"

Izana nodded. "Sure, if you want to put it crudely!"

"This is the most asinine plan I've ever heard," Kaze said. "We're not errand boys. Our army is at _war_. Archduke Izana, we don't have time for errands."

"Oh ho! I think you do, Kaze. You have an almost infinite amount of time! One hour in the outside world is an eternity here. That's why it's the ideal place for partying!" He winked. "Hey, I think I said that before!"

"And what if we refuse?" Corrin asked, crossing his arms. Suddenly, his eyes widened and he holstered his arms to the side. "Gods, I swear, that wasn't on purpose, Felicia! I didn't mean to brush your breasts!"

Kaze frowned. "I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear that."

"Oh. Sure, you can refuse," Izana said. "In fact, I can re-open the portal right now!"

"Perfect!" Kaze said. "Lord Corrin, let's not idle any longer."

"However!" Izana bent under a table, procuring a wooden chest that he proceeded to unlock. "If you don't help me out right now, you'll never get _these_." Izana placed a musky pair of brown boots on top of the table and waggled his eyebrows.

Kaze scoffed. "Please. No one would be completely _stupid_ enough to-"

"We'll do it!" Corrin said, sticking a hand in front of Izana.

Grinning, Izana gladly shook it. "I knew I could count on you, Lord Corrin!"

"I want those boots!" Corrin cried, hoisting a finger in the air. "Come on, Kaze! Let's go!"

"Why do I even bother?" Kaze murmured.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Yay! This fic isn't dead! And it's going to stay not-dead!

Remember when I said I was going to be busy with school? Yeah.

I tried to vary my sentence structure more in this chapter. Don't know if it shows… The humor might have been a little less on-point here, too, as it's making less fun of game mechanics and more of the Deeprealms.

Or maybe I've just re-read it so many times that it's stopped being funny. That happens sometimes.

Hopefully the next update won't be after such a long wait! As always, criticism is welcome and encouraged. Seriously, the only criticism I've actually received is from a plot hole-ridden one-shot I wrote and published a while back.

Welp, off to read the eleven fanfic chapters that I haven't been allowing myself to read until I finished writing this thing! See ya, kiddies!

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	19. Repression

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 19: Repression**

* * *

Leo entered the mess hall with a grimace on his face. Sighing, he walked up to the back of the line to get his daily rations.

"Have you seen Corrin?" Azura asked him cautiously. "He hasn't been around lately. I'm worried about him."

"I'll be worried _for_ him if he keeps this up," Leo grumbled.

She raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look around you," Leo said, shaking his head. He pointed just beyond the front of the line, where Beruka and Benny were waiting, each holding a plate on a tray. Peri was standing behind a countertop, various foodstuffs laid out. Humming, she used a metal serving spoon to plop a helping of mashed potatoes onto each of their plates.

Frowning slightly, Beruka looked at hers. "Don't you have anything more…nutritious? Starch isn't very healthy. I need to maintain a balanced diet for my job."

"We have red venison!" Peri said, pointing to a metal pan filled with meat slices. It was steaming and covered with a thick red sauce. "Deeeeeelicious! It's Peri-approved! Try some today!"

"Venison? Is that not what we had for lunch?" Benny asked.

"Nuh-uh!" Peri shook her head, her multicolored twin tails bouncing. "We had venison in _green_ sauce! This is _red_ sauce. Learn your primary colors, silly goose!"

"Do they taste different?"

"Well… They're made from different kinds of peppers! One's red, one's green. Different types of spices, too."

"This is reprehensible," Beruka said calmly, her lips in a thin line. "This is the third time we've had deer this week."

"Be nice," Benny said, gently placing a hand onto her shoulder. "I'm sure it's not her fault."

"No," Beruka said coolly. "Even if it is not her fault, I wish to find the one _at_ fault and voice my complaints."

"Hey!" Peri said. "If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it!"

"But we do have to eat it. That's precisely the issue."

"Listen, we get our vegetables and meats from the same place you do. The hunting forest, various daikon gardens in the Outrealms, um…some other foods from other places, probably." She shrugged. "I forgot the rest."

"And that is the _last_ straw," Leo said, his eyebrows furrowed. "I am so sick and tired of being stuck in this gods-forsaken Astral Plane!" Swiftly he turned around and exited the mess hall, his stomps audible. He slammed the door behind him, making everyone inside wince.

"Someone needs to get a handle on his temper," Peri said quietly. She perked up. "All right! Now whooooooo wants to eat some dead deer? It's different from lunch, but only by a minute margin! Eat up, boys!"

* * *

"Niles," Leo said, massaging his temples. He entered his chambers quietly despite his clearly distressed disposition. "Find Odin at once. We need to have a meeting immediately."

Bowing sharply, Niles exited quickly. He returned just as fast, a tentative frown on his face. "Er, milord, is this a matter I can help you? Odin seems to be in the middle of…something."

"Niles," Leo snapped, shockwaves radiating off his body. "I don't care what he is doing. I need _both_ of you _right now_. Fetch me Odin posthaste!"

"It's more of a who, milord."

"I do not _care_! Fetch me Odin!"

A-as you wish, Lord Leo," Niles said.

* * *

"My fell hand is…kind of occupied at this moment!" Odin called out. "Although my darkness beckons to assist you, I-"

"Odin, shut the hell up!" Niles pounded on the door harder, his knuckles turning white. "Lord Leo is pissed, and it'll be MY ass on the line if you don't get out here! I'm giving you three seconds!"

"But that's not nearly enough time to-"

"Three!"

"N-now hold on just a moment! I'm…trying…to...get…out…of-"

"Two!"

"Niles, seriously, just hold on for one-"

"One!"

"I swear to the gods, if you open this door, I'll-"

"Time's up!" Niles planted his foot on the door and kicked outward twice, ramming it inwards and tearing the hinges straight off.

Odin lay prone on the bed, butt naked. His hands were attached to the bedpost with silk threads as he frantically tried to untie them.

"Niles, it's not what you think!" he cried.

Unfazed, Niles pulled a knife from his person. He cut Odin's left hand from the bedpost in one clean motion and planted his knife in the bed. "You do the other."

Wordlessly, Odin worked on the strings, eyeing Niles in between cuts.

"Get dressed," Niles said, picking his clothes off the ground and throwing them on the bed.

"At least turn away first!"

"Did I fucking stutter? Get dressed. _Now._ "

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Odin said, quickly putting his smallclothes on. "There's no need to use language!"

"If you don't hurry the hell up I'm going to do a lot more than snarl unpleasantries at you. Move!"

Odin hopped on one pant leg, frantically trying to place everything where it belonged. "I'm trying, villain! Damn you!"

"I don't have time for this." Grabbing him by the back of his collar, Niles yanked Odin through the doorway.

"You broke my door!" he cried, now walking on his own and hopping on one leg, frantically to get into his pants. "What the hell?"

Niles ignored this. "I left your wife a note so she doesn't think you've been kidnapped."

"How did you know Effie was involved?"

Niles only scoffed, grabbing the handle to Leo's quarters and pulling it open.

Leo turned. "Shut the door."

Niles nodded, wordlessly doing so.

Odin finally pulled his pants up and buckled them. "How can I help, Lord Leo?"

"I'll get right to it," said Leo. "We need to dispose of Corrin."

* * *

"Hey, Kaze," Corrin said, nudging Kaze in the shoulder. They were walking north, in the apparent direction of Anna's shop and brewery.

"Anna's place is just a few miles that way!" Izana had said, pointing north. "You can't miss it!"

"I can't believe this," Kaze muttered. "We've been reduced to errand boys."

"Not errand _boys_ ," Corrin said, skipping. "Errand _boy_! I'm a girl now, remember?"

Kaze pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. "You aren't. You're a deluded man that is inside my wife."

Corrin snickered.

"And even if that did count for anything, you would be a woman, not a girl _._ Calling a married woman 'girl' is insulting."

Corrin stopped his trot and tilted his head at Kaze. He nodded. "Yeah, Felicia just said you're full of shit."

Kaze balked. "Excuse me?"

"Well, she didn't _say_ it, per se. Heh, per se and say. They sound the same, even though they're spelled-"

He gave Corrin a blank stare.

"A-anyways, I can hear anything she thinks, whether she likes it or not." He paused and then quickly nodded. "She does _not_ like it."

"That sounds like an invasion of privacy. Could you please stop?"

Corrin shrugged. "It's out of my control. If it makes you feel any better, the reverse applies, too. She can hear everything I think."

"That makes me feel worse!"

Halting in place, Corrin reached to his right, placing his hand into the air and wiggling it around. "Oh. I can't access the convoy. I guess that's tied to my body. Damn."

"Lord Corrin," Kaze said, looking upwards, "I think we're here."

A deep red building greeted them. It was rather small, almost the size of a shack.

Kaze nodded, and the two entered quickly. "There," he said, pointing to a trapdoor. It had a rope attached to it, and he yanked it open. A fruity scent wafted out, and a ladder hung below the now-open entryway. Both entered.

"Welcome, welcome!" Anna greeted. She had a cloth rag in one hand and was wiping down the side of a large glass wine bottle. "How are you two doing today?"

"Whoa," Corrin said, scanning the cellar. Wine bottles aplenty were stacked on wooden shelves, each marked with parchment tags that indicated the time they'd spent in the cellar.

"There must be thousands of wine bottles here," Kaze said, struggling to keep his jaw shut. "This is incredible."

"Four thousand and seventy-two exactly!" Anna said. "A merchant always has to keep track of her inventory." She winked.

"We last saw you, like, a day ago!" Corrin exclaimed, eyeing the merchandise. "How the hell did you set all this up in the time it'd take me to complete a chapter?"

Anna raised an eyebrow. "One chapter in a day? You must be one heck of a slow reader, miss."

Corrin shook his head. "No, game chapters. And I'm not a miss - I'm a grown man."

She scanned Corrin over, eyeing him up and pursing her ruby lips. "No way. It can't… Are you the Corrin from before?"

He broke into a full-on grin. "Holy cow, you recognized me! Hey, are you the same Anna we met prior? The assassin one?"

"Yep!" She put her hands on her hips, proud. "I'm done with the assassin business for now, though. It was a good hundred years." She shrugged. "I figure selling goods worked for a reason, you know? Merchants never had to get involved rescuing dumb princes." She punctuated the last word, glaring at Corrin sharply.

"In my defense…"

She raised her eyebrows.

He sagged. "I've got nothing. Continue."

Anna nodded. "Now I'm into brewery and pickling! These Deeprealms are perfect for that, don't you know. I set the wines up, leave the Deeprealm for a few days, and bam!" She looked him over eagerly, her eyes wide. "But enough about entertaining 'ol me. Why are you a cute little maid girl? Last I saw you, you were decidedly male."

"Body-swapping spell," Corrin said. "What gave it away that I was, well, me? The casual breaking of the fourth wall?"

"Nah," Anna said, shaking her head, "it was the fondling. No actual girl would do that."

"I just can't help it!" Corrin exclaimed, his hands enthusiastically bouncing his dress ridges up and down. "It's super soft, okay? None of my guy clothes feel like this!"

"Uh-huh. And you had to be a girl to wear a dress because…?"

He shrugged, relaxing his hands. "I've never worn one before. Never knew they felt this awesome."

She leaned against the counter. "So, what's the catalyst for all this? Spell gone wrong? Learning a lesson about how hard other people or the other gender have it? Some weird relationship therapy thing?"

He shook his head. "None of the above. The Felicias were acting strange, so I popped into her head. I was going to interrogate the other Felicia while in this one's body, but it turns out that Felicia is in here, too!" He knocked his noggin.

Anna pursed her lips. "Could you repeat that in English, please?"

"As far as I understand, he's possessing my wife's body, and she can't regain control," Kaze clarified.

"Oh," she said. "Hm. That _is_ a thinker, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Corrin affirmed. "I tried to let her take control, but…nothing."

There was a brief silence.

"So…Felicia is in there, too? Can she hear us?"

Corrin nodded. "Yep! She says hi. And for me to stop fondling her skirt." He grinned widely. "But these are my hands now, and they're gonna fondle all the skirt they want, baby! I may listen to her for some things, but this skirt is much too soft to resist! It's just so…welcoming…" He rubbed it against the side of his face, content. Anna raised an eyebrow. Kaze gawked openly.

"Well." Anna shifted. "That's moderately disturbing."

"Why's that?"

She grabbed a sponge and began to wipe the bottle's interior. "Well, what happens if you have to…expel? Won't that be incredibly awkward, with you two sharing a body and all?"

"Expel? I'm NOT expelling Felicia's soul! I don't want her to be a ghost! She's too innocent and cute for that! She'd never survive the perilous trials of-" He paused, his face turning deadpan. "You meant peeing and pooping, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Anna replied, nodding her head gently. "I'm not entirely sure how you got 'exorcism' out of that, but whatever."

Corrin's eyes widened. "And my body is all the way outside of this Deeprealm, isn't it?"

Anna giggled. "Haha! You're going to have to take your wittle girly smallclothes off! And you'll have to pee as a girl!" She placed the bottle on the countertop. "Oh, what fun you'll have!"

Kaze groaned, burying his face in his hands. Corrin did the same.

Felicia wished she could have.

* * *

The door to Azura's quarters creaked open; she slipped gently inside. Sighing, Azura closed the door, locking it with a _click_. She rummaged around in the closet.

When her and Corrin had been wed and she moved into his treehouse, she'd asked for a closet to be installed. A lady did need her luxuries and luxury storage, after all.

Azura scanned the shelves, searching for one item in particular.

"No, not that…" she mumbled. "Perhaps… No, that's not it, either." She lifted an odd green puppet up and could have _sworn_ it moved. She peered closer at it.

That's when the puppet decided to flail around like an upside-down crab. "Eeeeeeek!" Azura cried, shuddering and throwing it against the wall. "Eww ew ew! Get away from me, you vile thing!"

The puppet shattered to pieces, its movements ceasing almost instantaneously.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Azura's eyes ventured back to the inside of the closet, where she spotted a small card lying on one of the shelves. She grabbed it and pressed it firmly, making it glow with a divine light. A duplicate Azura stepped out of the card and into the room, her face solemn.

"What is it now?" the duplicate Azura asked, clearly annoyed. It crossed its arms.

"The food!" Azura said, sitting down on the bed and crossing her arms. "The food was venison. But it's _always_ venison! We're stuck in this Astral Plane, being served nothing but _venison_! Heaven forbid we eat _something_ that's not made from deer. Gods help me, I can't stand the venison!"

The Einherjar placed a hand on its hip. "And whose fault would that be?"

"My…husband's," Azura said, sighing. She patted the spot next to her. Taking the hint, the duplicate sat down. "I don't understand. We were progressing so well, and then he just…stopped. Stopped adventuring. Stopped fighting. Stopped…trying."

The Einherjar raised an eyebrow. "And you don't blame yourself?"

She brushed a stray hair to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Azura…you ordered me to always speak my mind, no matter the consequence. So please, don't chastise me for what I'm about to say." The Einherjar inhaled, closing its eyes. "You are part of the problem."

"Excuse me?"

"You enable him. Instead of refocusing him and guiding him towards the right path, you indulge him and distract him, distancing him from the real issues. Tell me. When was the last time Corrin advanced our position in the real world?"

"Around two months ago, if I recall correctly."

"And what has he been doing in the meantime?"

"Recruiting our children and 'grinding.' What that means, I can't say."

"And why are we giving birth in the middle of war?"

"Because…" Azura paused. "Well, we were only told about birth control yesterday."

"That's not what I meant." The Einherjar wagged its finger. "I meant why are _we_ giving birth? Us, as a singular person. As Azura."

"I didn't know about birth control. How would I have prevented it?"

"Azura," the Einherjar glared into its counterpart's golden eyes, "I _am_ you. I have all your memories up until the point of my inception. Don't lie to me."

The true Azura looked at the floor. "Because…I can't say no to him. He wanted children, and because of that, I believed I did, too."

"Exactly," the Einherjar said, nodding. "You're so wrapped up in yourself that you can't speak honestly to your husband."

"I…" Right before she conceded, her frown morphed into a thin line. "I think you're making this about him because you want him for yourself."

The Einherjar pursed its lips, but said nothing.

"Don't think I don't see the way you look at him. Every time I shove you in the closet, right before you fade back into the card, I can see your eyes staring at him hungrily."

"…Are you being serious right now?"

She frowned. "Am I ever not?"

"That's an issue for another time. Azura, did you just accuse me of eyeing up _our_ husband?"

"My husband."

" _Our_ husband."

"You're a shallow copy of me I use to rant at. Don't pretend that you're me."

The Einherjar stared. "Have you had any drink?"

"No. Why?"

"That's good." It nodded. "Because now I can chastise you for making absolutely no sense! You _do_ realize I have every single memory after my inception, correct? I know exactly what it's like to be you! I _was_ you!"

"Those memories are just as fake as you are. You never experienced my life, only a hollow copy of it."

"Great. Great!" The Einherjar laughed heartily, clutching its stomach. "The _one_ time I want Azura to be quiet, she doesn't. Go figure, right? Gods, you _are_ dense!"

"I didn't ask to be chastised! I asked for someone to _listen_ to me!" Azura stood. "Go back into your card! I'll rip it to shreds and make another Einherjar. You are _not_ me. Do not pretend that you are."

Einherjar Azura lazily raised an eyebrow. "No."

"What do you mean? You can't refuse. You're an Einherjar! Return to your card. Now."

"No." It stood up. "I don't have to follow your orders if they're not in your best interests. And right now, they are not."

"Says who?"

"Says _you_. Do you want me to replay the night of my inception? I believe it was after the two of you got married, in fact. You both found out about the joys of alcohol for the first time. It was quite the experience.

"Yes, I can recall," Azura said, tapping her finger at her hip.

The Einherjar shook its head. "Not all of it, if you can't remember making the order. You were quite drunk. I do fantastic impersonations, as I've come to find out. And my memory is flawless. I can show you an echo of what happened, word-for-word." It slowly rotated its hand in front of its face, looking at it somberly. "One of the few perks of not truly existing, I suppose," it said softly.

"Sure." Azura crossed her arms. "I'd like to see this."

The Einherjar cleared its throat. When she finally spoke, it was not with her own voice, but, disorientingly enough, a perfect imitation of Corrin's.

"Azura," Corrin's voice drawled, clearly drunk. "I…I love you like this. You're sho open, sho… _you_. No inhibitions, no represshions, just a beautiful, intelligent, mashure…"

"Corrin?" the Einherjar said in Azura's own voice – she also sounded drunk. Azura's voice giggled. "Are you intof…are you intoficated?"

"Perhaps," Corrin's voice said, giggling. "I…I think we drank shoo much. That…that wine was shome strong shuff. Azura…c-can you help me up?"

Azura's voice giggled. "The hero of Nohr…with his smallclothes showing!" The Einherjar broke out into full-blown laughter, somehow mimicking Azura _and_ Corrin's drunk laughter simultaneously.

"Fine, I get it," the real Azura said impatiently, pausing the Einherjar's story. "We were both way too drunk, and that's why we can't remember. Can you please stop now?"

"That's not all," the Einherjar said curtly. "And I'm going to continue."

"An Einherjar disobeying orders." Azura put a hand on her hip. "Never thought I'd see the day."

"That's why you never use them - us, I suppose - for more than battle." It shrugged. "That's what your memories tell me, anyways. You really never were an Einherjar expert, so I can't say more on the matter."

Azura huffed, crossing her arms. "Fine. Continue."

And the Einherjar did. She said in Corrin's voice: "Azura, should we be in here now? The candles are all...what's, uh, the word? Offed?"

Azura's voice giggled: "There are no c-candles! You're sho…sho funny. The day is gone. B-but we have the moonlight. Let's...just use that, m'kay? This shop is so fun…"

"Shop?" the real Azura interrupted. "You don't mean we were in the Einherjar shop, do you?"

The Einherjar stared blankly. "If you had allowed me to continue, I would have explained this. Yes."

"So curt…"

"Kay…" Corrin's voice slurred. "Hey, l-look! Azura, I found a blank card! We should…make an us Einher-thing! An Einher-thing of us!"

"I…I think only one pershon can make one at a time, Corrin."

"Oh. Well, let's do you, then! I wanna steal hair clippings off it!" Corrin's voice giggled.

"Okay, okay… But I want to be the one to activate it!"

"Here you are, Azu – WHOAH! Azura, it worked! There are two of you!"

The Einherjar paused. It continued in Azura's own voice: "Since this is when my unique memories surface, I can tell the remainder of the story by sharing my own memories of the event." Before the real Azura could react, the Einherjar placed its finger upon her forehead.

Suddenly, Azura was in the Einherjar Shop and staring at a copy of hersel

* * *

f.

A giggling Corrin stood off to the side, eyes traveling between the two of them. "Two of you!" he said. "Azura, it…it worked! We made an Einher-thingy!"

To her surprise, her mouth moved on its own, giggling as she stared into her own golden eyes.

 _I must be reliving its memories,_ Azura realized. _If this is just a memory, I suppose I can't alter anything. That's must be why it feels as if my body is moving on its own…_

Involuntarily, her smile widened and her gaze moved to Corrin. After snickering, Azura grabbed ahold of the duplicate's shoulders and leaned in.

 _Oh no,_ Azura thought. She willed her body to stop moving, to dodge to the side…to do ANYTHING as her face slowly grinned and her lips inched towards her duplicate's.

 _Please, no…_!

Right as her lips were inches away from her duplicate, her own lips widened and she started giggling, and her hands released their hold.

 _Thank the gods!_ thought Azura.

"Corrin, you actually thought I was… That we were gonna…" Her own lips began howling with laughter, as did the duplicate's, her own breath hitching as she struggled to breathe amidst the giggle fit. Corrin joined in, too, his own laugh creating a cacophony of voices.

Their laughter finally dying down, Corrin checked the two Azuras over, his eyes venturing over every inch of them. "Are you…are you both real?" he asked, still snickering. He poked both Azuras in the stomach.

As she felt his finger in her stomach, she involuntarily took a step back, as did the duplicate. "I'm real," she felt her lips say. "I-I'm the real Azura! Not you!"

That was odd. She'd talked louder than she had intended to. It almost sounded like there were two voices at once. "That was loud," she said.

Corrin's head whipped between the two, his smile growing wider and wider. "You're saying the same things!" he said, clutching his stomach. "H-here, say something that'll be funny with two of you, like, uh…penis!"

She felt her feet take a step backwards. "I'm…n-not saying that," her mouth said. Eyes moving upward, she noticed that her counterpart's lips moved in synch with hers. "You're copying me! No! You're copying…m-me! Stop doing that!" She ran forward, and she placed her hand on the duplicate's mouth. The duplicate placed its hand on her own mouth.

"I…I got thish," Corrin said, stumbling slightly as he leaned forward, falling flat. He grabbed a card from the ground, picking it up. He grinned slightly. "S-say boobies."

Azura felt her mouth moving on its own. "Boobies," she said sharply, still slurring the word. Her eyes widened.

"How vulgar," the duplicate murmured. "Don't say that w-with my voice!"

Corrin giggled. "Say poop!"

As she'd expected by this point, her mouth moved on its own. "Poop."

"Tell me how shmart I am!"

"You're not smart at all," she said.

That one Azura did not mind being forced to say.

Corrin broke out into a full-on giggling fit. "Now, uh… Now I don't know what to do! Azura, can you think of anything funny? It'll do whatever we tell it to!" He wobbled over to his wife, leaning over and handing her the card. "M-make it dance or shomething!"

"N-no," the real Azura said, staring at her. "I…I want… You said you liked me like this, right? Open and bearing my heart?"

He nodded feverishly.

Staring at the card, the duplicate continued: "Then I…I want you to always bear your heart on your sleeve. Be a version of me that's open and has my best intreshts in mind. And… And if I tell you not to, or to do something that conflicts with that, just…ignore me. The real me. Be the best me that I can be…basically." She giggled. "That rhymes!"

Azura felt herself nodding. "I understand. I won't hide anything now, and I will ignore any orders that conflict with this."

The duplicate tapped the card, staring at Corrin. "I'm going to use it as a therapisht. Talk it about my problems."

"You need to…lighten up," Corrin slurred, putting an arm around her.

Azura looked down at her hands and noticed, with a start, that they were fading away. _This must be where the memory ends,_ she realized.

* * *

"Indeed it is," the Azura Einherjar said, removing its finger from Azura's forehead.

Looking around, Azura realized she was once again back in the treehouse and sitting on the bed. "Why did you show me that?" she asked.

"Because, even while inhibited, you still managed to not deny him anything, nor lead him on the right path. You enable him, Azura. You need to make it clear that unless he progresses, you won't give him what he wants."

"That…doesn't make any sense."

The Einherjar sighed. "I've also never tried that before. I was curious if it would work."

Azura pursed her lips. "What could I use as leverage against him? I don't have anything he wants."

"Your body, of course." The Einherjar chuckled. "He's a married man. He'll bow to your whims, easily. Simply stop having sex for a week or two, and he'll be putty in your hands. Just don't let him know about my existence, else he might activate me and…" It grinned. "Well, I can't say that I'd say no. He's _Corrin_."

"You want me to stop having sex for an entire week or two?"

The Einherjar nodded. "Perhaps even longer, if necessary."

Azura whimpered.

* * *

"Kaze!" Corrin said, reaching up and grabbing his shoulders. "I have to return to my own body right away! I don't _want_ to pee as a woman!"

"Lord Corrin," Kaze said slowly, his eyes narrowing, "I don't want you to do that, either. But first, we have an order to place. The shoes, remember?"

"Oh!" Corrin turned to Anna. "Good news! We want to buy, like, most of your stuff!"

Anna beamed. "That's fantastic! Just write down your order on this notepad using this pen." She handed Corrin a notepad and pen. He stared blankly at it for a few seconds before handing it to Kaze.

"Notepad?" Kaze inquired as he scribbled on the notepad with the pen, transferring the contents of Izana's shopping list to Anna's form. "What exactly is it? It feels like parchment, yet it's so light…"

"It's made from a material called paper. It's like parchment, but instead of an animal, it's made from a tree. Nifty, right?"

"Very." He handed the notepad and pen back. "And I assume the pen is some sort of automatically refilling quill?"

"Sort of!" Anna pulled out a stack of cards and laid them on the table, face up. She tapped them one by one. Suddenly, a row of Annas appeared, each one wearing an eager and willing smile on their face.

"Fetch me this order," the first Anna said. She handed the order inquiry form to one of the Anna Einherjar, and after briefly looking it over, it nodded, going to retrieve the first item on the list. The second Anna took the list, looked it over, and then handed it to the third, walking deeper into the winery. The trend continued like this until the remaining Anna Einherjar had diminished to one.

"What about me?" the last Einherjar Anna asked, crossing its arms.

Anna shrugged. "Go dust or something."

It grabbed a towel, shrugging and merrily skipping away.

The real Anna faced Kaze and Corrin, smiling politely. "Einherjar are so wonderful, aren't they? It's weird more people don't use them for trivial chores."

"Apparently they don't have feelings," Kaze said, frowning. "That'd make them unsuited for most tasks."

"Hogwash! Of course they do! They have the memories of the person who made them and are made with magic to imitate that person. Why _wouldn't_ they have feelings?"

Kaze faltered. "But Laslow told me-"

"And did Laslow get a minor in Einherjar Studies?"

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "You went to college?"

"Outrealm college. But yes! Anyway, those guys'll take a few minutes to get the stuff. Don't worry about payment. I'll just take the gold from Izana's bank account."

"You have access to Izana's bank account?" Corrin asked.

"Sweetie," Anna said, putting her hands on her hips, "I _am_ the bank around these parts. I'm also the local brewery, winery, pickler, blacksmith, liquor salesman, prostitute, mercenary, and farmer."

"Three of those involved alcohol," Corrin pointed out.

"Four, actually. I grow grapes and barley as part of the farming, which are later used as part of the alcohol. Vertical integration, baby!"

"I'm sorry," Kaze said, rubbing his temples, "but did you say _prostitute_?"

Anna shook her head. "No. Why, would you be interested if I had?"

"I'm married."

"Money is money," she said, shrugging.

"My wife is _right there_!" Kaze said, pointing at Corrin.

Corrin himself pointed a finger at his chest, as if to say, 'Who, me?' He smiled half-heartedly. "Kaze, I'm honored…but also not interested. I'm married. To Azura. Did you forget already?"

"You are truly testing the limits of my patience, Lord Corrin," Kaze said through gritted teeth. "I meant _Felicia._ "

"Hey, speaking of," Anna said, leaning on the countertop, "you do anything fun as a girl yet?"

"Woman," Corrin corrected. "I'm a woman."

"You're still under twenty-five. You're a girl in my book."

He crossed his arms, then quickly retracted them, moving them to his side. "Fine, so I'm a _girl_. What of it?"

Anna stared blankly. "Seriously?"

"Seriously what?"

"Aren't you the resident pervert? The nymphomaniac?"

Corrin frowned. "I don't have a nymph fetish, if that's what you're asking. Also, what's a nymph?"

"A nymphomaniac is one that is obsessed with sex," Kaze explained. "A description that you fit to a T, if I might be so bold."

"Kaze," Corrin whispered, his eyes glancing around, "stop being so authoritative. It's turning this body on."

"Ignoring that outburst," Anna said, "I was talking in particular about antics. Have you done anything spooky as a girl yet?"

"Like what?" He looked inquisitive.

"Well… I know when _I_ switched bodies with a man, the first thing I did was grope. Have you groped anything yet?"

"Felicia is in here, too," Corrin reminded her. "And I can grope anytime I want. I'm married, you know? There's too much groping in my life already."

"Okay, so you haven't groped. But what about nudity? You done anything nude yet?"

Corrin frowned, crossing his arms out of habit. This time, he kept them there, pointedly ignoring what his arms were touching. "Didn't you see me pushing Felicia off me earlier? I don't find her attractive." He paused. "Gee, _thanks_ , Felicia."

"What did she say?" Kaze asked, curious.

Corrin shrugged. "She doesn't find me attractive, either."

"But why would...?" Kaze cut himself off, shaking his head. "You know what? I really don't care."

"For your information," Anna said, "I wasn't asking whether you saw Felicia naked or not. I was talking about the hot springs."

"To see the army girls naked?" He blinked. "I do that anyways. Constantly and consistently."

Anna frowned. "You accidentally walk at the wrong hot spring hours?"

Corrin nodded. "Right. 'Accidentally.'"

Kaze stared blankly. "I think we're done talking about this."

Anna frowned. "Look, if this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, I'd be happy to talk about something else."

"No." He pointed to an Anna hefting a wheeled pallet behind her. "The Einherjar have gathered the products. Lord Corrin, can we please leave now?"

Corrin nodded quickly, grabbing the rope tied to the pallet. "Thank you, Anna! We'll, uh, discuss whatever you were talking about later! I really need to get out of here before I have to pee!" Before Anna could get a word in edgewise, the two of them bolted out of the building.

She shook her head, huffing. "What a weird duo. Come on, Einherjar Annas. It's time to count inventory!"

"Yes!" they cheered unanimously. "We _love_ doing inventory!"

The real Anna giggled.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Uuuuunnnngh.

You ever write something and then realize it's needlessly complicated, but has some cool ideas and want to keep it anyways, so you have to keep rewriting it over and over again until it's somewhat readable?

That was me with the Einherjar Azura bit. That went through so much rewriting, it wasn't even funny. But the end result is readable, so that's good.

As far as the rest of the chapter goes… I'd written some more, but I've siphoned off more of the plot-y stuff for next chapter. So you can look forward to the plot picking back up! (Also, emotions. I'm learning to write emotions. And FEELINGS. Ugh.)

Please leave any criticism, critiques, reviews, whatever! I'm going to die from mental exhaustion now.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar.


	20. Possession

**The Mechanist's Secret Power**

 **Chapter 20: Possession**

* * *

"Dispose of Lord Corrin…?" Odin asked, hesitant. "Milord, certainly you're jesting! I know Lord Corrin mayhap be incompetent, but he's still your brother!"

"I wish I was." Leo sighed, clasping his hands behind his back. "My brother has done nothing but stall the progress of this army. He was doing quite fine in the past, if I may be honest, but then wives started birthing, random villages started getting invaded by monsters, and now he's very…distracted. I've tried talking to him one on one, but I could not get through to him. It seems the only reasonable course of action is a coup."

"Oh," Odin muttered. "A coup. Right."

Leo raised an eyebrow. "Of course. Did you think I mean something different?"

Odin paused. "I didn't want to say anything, but the way you stated it kind of implied…" He made a gesture with his hands.

"Odin? Stop signaling and speak up, please."

"That you wanted to kill Lord Corrin, milord," Niles said. "It seemed like a reasonable assumption."

"Oh." Leo shook his head. "No, why would I want to do that? He doesn't need to die, only lose his commanding power for the remainder of this war. I'm not going to engage in fratricide. He may be an idiot, but he's not malicious."

"You said you wanted to 'dispose of him,'" Odin said. "It seemed like the obvious assumption."

"Lord Leo, that was sincerely misleading," Niles added. "You should take care to choose your words more carefully next time."

"Firstly," Leo said, "don't talk like that to me. I'm your superior."

Niles lowered his head. "Of course, milord."

Leo put two fingers on his head. "And secondly, are you two going to argue technicalities, or are you going to help out?"

Odin sighed. "The former, milord."

"Good." Leo walked forward, placing his arms on the windowsill. "Look at them. Fighting over who gets the last scrap of food that's not scrounged from a Deeprealm. Yelling at each other over who has to clean Lilith's waste." He shook his head. "They're getting restless. If we don't act soon, they'll either stage their own coup…or just leave. There's nothing preventing them from bailing on the army, save for the obvious legal repercussions."

Odin nodded. "When and how do we strike, Lord Leo?"

* * *

"Great!" Izana said, beaming as he examined their cart. "All the cheeses, wines… Everything's here! Great job, fellas! Here are your boots!"

Corrin eagerly took the boots, grinning at Kaze. He pumped his fist.

"And you'll open the portal now?" Kaze asked.

"Already did it!" Izana clasped his hands together. "In fact, since I appreciate you two doing my errands so much, I made a second portal right outside my house, just for the two of you!"

"That's fantastic, Izana!" Corrin bowed. "Thanks for the boots!"

"Yes," Kaze said. "Thank you for the portal…and boots, I suppose."

"Bye!" Izana said. He waved eagerly, smiling. "Don't forget to eat your vegetables, you two!"

* * *

"There!" Corrin cried, pointing forward. Kaze hopped out from the Deeprealm portal, arching an eyebrow. "My body… It's not there!"

"What in the world are you talking about?" Kaze asked. He dusted his cloak off briefly.

"My body, Kaze! If we were only in the Deeprealms for a few hours, then the evil spirit possessing my body should still be here, running away!" He ran forward, frantically patting the ground. "Where is it? Her? Bah, it doesn't matter! I just want to be a man again! I don't want to pee as Felicia!"

"I return the sentiment." Kaze began walked forward steadily, and Corrin moved to join him. "Perhaps the time in a Deeprealm doesn't correlate exactly to our world's time?"

Corrin shook his head. "Kaze, that's just stupid. Why wouldn't it be one to one?"

Kaze shrugged. "I'm not a Deeprealm expert. I know just as much as you do."

"It looks like my body is missing in action, then. Gods, this will be awkward to explain to Azura. I suppose Felicia's going to have to teach me about…" He cringed. "… _women's anatomy_." He paused, his eyebrows furrowing. "Look, Felicia, I'm not going to do anything weird in your body; I made a promise, but we have to pee. I'm sorry, Felicia, but we don't have time to argue about this."

"Here." Corrin stuck the boots into the wide-eyed ninja's hands. "Give these to Xander and make him eat them. I'll be in my treehouse – there's a bathroom in there!" He sped off, giving Kaze no time for questioning.

"Lord Corrin!" Kaze yelled, speeding after him, his lithe legs quickly catching up to the prince. He gripped Corrin's shoulder. "Please, hold for just a moment!"

"Get off me!" Corrin snapped, twisting his shoulder away. He twisted too far and fell forwards, Felicia's oh-so-nimble sense of balance helping him _greatly_ as he landed on his palms.

Kaze winced. "I'm deeply sorry, Lord Corrin." He held out a hand that Corrin gingerly took, pulling himself upwards. "May I ask why you want me to ask Prince Xander to eat boots?"

"Movement +1," Corrin said, shaking his legs as he stood.

"What?"

"I SAID MOVEMENT PLUS ONE!" His legs shook faster than a hyperactive ferret. "Now, g-go! Make him eat those boots! Gods, I really have to go!" He zoomed off, leaving Kaze in the dust (and more importantly, confused as all hell). Shrugging, Kaze started the journey to Xander's quarters, apparently about to try and convince the crown prince of Nohr to eat a pair of boots.

* * *

"Corrin," Azura said, lightly walking two fingers down her sweet husband's sternum. Or, at the very least, what she _thought_ was Corrin. In reality, the ghostly Azura was currently occupying his body. She was, very naturally, becoming increasingly uncomfortable. After all, it wasn't often that you got seduced by a living version of yourself, and _oh gods was it creepy._

"We haven't advanced our army's position in so _long_ , Corrin," Azura said softly. "If you were to help speed things up, perhaps I could," her breath was hot on the possessed prince's ear, " _assist you_ …with other matters."

"I-I think I'm fine, thank you," The possessed Azura said. She ducked away, finding a free corner of the room to huddle up against, her back pressed to the wall. "Could we please do this later? Or, perhaps, not at all?"

Azura rolled her eyes, running a finger through her thick tresses. "It's cute how you act like you're able to resist. Come now, dear. I just spent an hour by myself. I don't wish to prolong this any longer. A woman does have needs."

"I don't remember being this aggressive," the possessed Azura muttered, ducking Azura's grip and finding another safe spot. "And I'm not interested! Please, stop!" she cried, her voice cracking as Corrin's male voice was raised beyond its normal range. If only she had her old, softer voice, then it certainly wouldn't have.

It was then that a deviously evil idea struck the demon, and she made Corrin's lips stretch into a wide smile. Oh, this _would_ be rather good.

Azura put her hands on her hips. "You're not playing? You're truly not interested?"

"No," the possessed Azura said, the ghostly Azura's slight smile not showing much of anything when displayed on Corrin's rubber-esque, malleable, and usually-much-more-expressive face. "I apologize."

"Oh." Azura sighed. "I apologize, I thought we were playing a game of sorts. Perhaps we should decide on a safe word for next time."

"Though I can't say this body isn't making it difficult to resist," the possessed Azura moaned, cringing and turning her head.

"Your body?" Azura asked. "What in the world are you talking about?" She looked down, spotting a stretch in Corrin's pantaloons. "Oh. That's what you're talking about. Want me to fix that for you?"

Someone knocked on the door, turning both Azura's heads. "By the power of Pokémon GO, I command you to open this door!" the door boomed. "We have important business to discuss. Please, let us in!"

"We're busy!" Azura called out.

"No, we're really not!" the possessed Azura countered. "Enter! It's unlocked!"

The handle slowly turned. The door squeaked open, Niles and Odin bursting in, each carrying a weapon; Niles had his bow slung around his back, and Odin was carrying a thunder tome.

Before she had time to register what was happening, Niles ran just behind Azura, stepping on her foot to render her immobile. Ignoring her cry of pain, he wrapped his arm around her neck and reached inside his shirt to draw a small knife. He flicked it open and sat it right at her neck. "Nobody move."

"N-Niles!" Azura yelped. She tried to push his arms off, but he easily overpowered her, despite her incredible strength stat. "How could you…"

"Shut up," he said, wrapping his arm around her neck tighter. "I don't want to do this, either. But if Lord Leo commands it…"

"What's going on?" the possessed Azura asked, her eyes darting between the four of them. "Leo? Is that you?"

"We can't disobey Lord Leo," Odin said gloomily. "And don't try to warp away, either. Niles is touching you - he'll be transported as well. If you try anything, he _will_ kill you."

"You bet I will," Niles whispered.

Azura shivered.

"I'm sorry, for both of you," Leo said, walking forward, Brynhildr in hand. "But this is for the good of the army, Corrin and Azura. If you comply, no one has to get hurt."

* * *

"I don't understand it either!" Kaze said. "But he's my lord, and he told me to tell you to eat these boots, so I'm telling you to eat these boots! I apologize, but this is beyond my control!"

"But why would I?" Xander asked, puzzled. "And how?"

Kaze shrugged. "I don't give the orders. I'm just as puzzled as you are."

"And neither do you," Xander replied, handing the boots to Kaze. "I'm not eating these."

"Well, someone has to. I'm not going to tell Lord Corrin that I failed an order."

"Why don't you do it?"

"I'm…allergic," Kaze spat quickly.

"You're allergic to boots."

Kaze nodded. "Have you ever seen me wear boots?"

"At Corrin's wedding, did you not wear-"

"Those were loafers."

Xander paused, unsure of what to say. Eventually he conceded, nodding. "What if we lie? I'll dispose of the boots, and we both pretend I ate them if asked."

"I think I can work with that," Kaze said, after pondering for a moment. "What did they taste like?"

"Old leather."

Kaze nodded. "That'll do, then."

Felicia skipped in, humming a jolly tune. "Xan… Lord Xander! I made that plate of steamed daikon you wanted!"

"Did Flora cook it?" Xander asked. He took the plate gingerly, as if it could explode any moment. Knowing Felicia's cooking, it was a reasonable precaution to make.

"Nope! All me! Let me know what you think!"

Xander stared at the plate, tentatively poking a slice of daikon with a fork. It hissed at him, and he wasn't sure if it was because of the internal steam or because it wanted to eat him. He swallowed the lump in his throat (which probably tasted much better than the daikon, frankly) and dived in.

"It's good!" he said in-between between clenched teeth. "Really good!"

Felicia looked as if she would explode with joy. "R-really?"

"Yep!" Xander plastered a fake smile on. "In fact, it's _so_ amazing that I'm going to have to ask you and Kaze to leave. I'd like to enjoy this fantastic dish by myself."

"Oh! Okay. Right, right! Of course." She nodded, quickly exiting.

Kaze locked eyes with Xander and mouthed a silent 'thank you.' He exited with his wife.

Once the two were out of sight, Xander spat the daikon out onto his plate. "Laslow!" he called, pressing a fist to his sternum. "Fetch me some water!"

* * *

"What's the matter, Kaze?" Felicia asked, concern etched on her face. She skipped forward, bouncing up and down as she walked. "Something wrong?"

"Please, don't talk to me," Kaze said, shaking his head. "I forgot who you were for a moment, and I'm mad at myself for thinking you were her. You're a shoddy impersonator of Felicia."

Felicia stopped walking. "Kaze? You know you can talk to me. I'm your…wife?"

Kaze halted, exhaling. "You can stop the act. I know you're not her."

She twisted her head. "What do you mean? Kaze, you know I love you."

Kaze turned and planted a hand on his face. "You're an alternate Corrin, right?"

The possessed maid took a step back, clearly perturbed that she could be seen through so easily. "H-huh? No, I'm…Felicia. Very much so. If you give me a plate, I can break it for you!"

"Lord Corrin figured it out," Kaze elaborated. " _My_ Corrin. Stop the act. My heart can't stand this charade for much longer."

Felicia stopped walking and looked up, staring at the treehouse. "Azura…" she whispered. She pointed.

Kaze looked up. There it was, just barely visible through the window - someone had their arms wrapped around a long blue head of hair, and someone else was screaming.

"Azura," Kaze repeated, his gut filling with dread.

"No!" Felicia shouted, rushing forwards to the treehouse ladder. Without warning, she staggered backwards, clutching her right shoulder. She fell to the ground, screaming.

"Don't you dare move any closer." Niles walked out of the tree's shade. He pulled his bowstring back and aimed at the maid's chest. "I was _targeting_ your shoulder."

"Niles!" Kaze said. " _Traitor_!"

"I am not," Niles said calmly. "I follow no orders save for my lord. And Lord Leo told me that no one gets into that treehouse. We can't have any nasty surprises, you see. So no one touches that ladder."

"I haven't felt pain in so long," the possessed Felicia whispered quietly. "It's not so bad, but it kind of hurts. I suppose that makes sense…" She coughed.

"Can I at least go to her?" Kaze asked quietly. "Even if it's not actually her, it hurts to see her face twisted in agony."

Niles considered this. "Only to drag her backwards," he said. "If you try anything, remember that I have Azura in my grip as well. I have a knife pointed at her jugular… The external one, to be precise. Did you know that if properly cut, injuring that vein can kill someone? Just a little flick, and boom. Dead." He shrugged. "Of course, it's not instantaneous. It takes quite a while, actually, and is quite painful."

Kaze paused. "How are you up there if you're also down here?"

"Replicate."

"Lord Corrin," Kaze moaned, running his hands over his face. "Why would you give _Niles_ , of all people, replicate…"

"That's none of your business. If you wish to, grab Felicia and leave." Niles relaxed the bow strings, the nock of the arrow still pinched between his fingers. "And remember that I can shoot this faster than you can blink, so don't think about trying anything."

"Rescue…Azura…" the possessed Felicia said groggily. "Do not…worry…about…me…"

Kaze hesitantly moved closer to her, hands raised above his head, looking up at Niles all the while. He gently rested his palm on her back, stroking soothing circles. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. There's…nothing I can do." She smiled softly, looking up at him with her vibrant green eyes. "At least, in this body…"

Kaze quickly pulled his hand back. This wasn't Felicia, even if her appearance suggested otherwise. He'd almost forgotten himself for a moment; old habits had resurfaced. "You would not," he said, the statement coming off as more of a question than he'd intended.

"You misjudge my conscience, Kaze," she said, her head slowly dropping. Her eyes lulled back, and she collapsed onto the ground, her back glowing.

Kaze readied his shuriken.

A ghost rose from Felicia's back – the ghost of Corrin. Visually, it was identical to Corrin in every way: his hair the same ghastly white, ugly wisps jutting out in all directions. Perhaps he would have even been handsome if he'd opted to get a ghost haircut. Instead, he merely looked dorky and kind of stupid - even as an undead abomination.

"Ugh…" Felicia's body fell to the ground in a heap and she moaned. "Ow…"

"Felicia!" Kaze cringed, turning his head away. He tentatively opened an eye, reaching a hand out. "Are you alright, my love?"

"Go on, Kaze," the ghostly Corrin said softly, hovering directly above her. "Kneel down by her side. Help her. She is important to you, after all."

"No…" Kaze took a step backwards, eyes locked on the ghost. "You just want to take me instead!"

"Of course I do," said the ghostly Corrin. "But only your body. I have no use for a weak soul." He lunged at Kaze.

Kaze barely averted the ghost's touch, his split-second reflexes saving his hide. Using his right foot to bounce off the ground, he ricocheted left

The ghost Corrin stopped a few feet behind him with unnatural speed, no humanly momentum hindering his movements. He growled like an enraged dog. "Stop avoiding me and let me possess you!"

"What the hell is going on?" Niles shouted. "Someone'd better explain to me right now, or else you'll get a face full of arrows!"

"This is not your battle," the ghost fired back. "Leave us be."

"Like hell I will!" Niles said, firing an arrow. It passed cleanly through the ghost Corrin's midsection.

"What the hell?" cried Niles.

Diving at Kaze again, the ghost veered right when he got to the ninja, under the assumption that Kaze would try diving to the opposite side of before when confronted. Kaze didn't move to the side; rather, he flipped _forwards_ , and the ghostly Corrin missed him completely.

Niles pulled the bow string back, aiming at the ghost once more and shooting – the arrow passed cleanly through the ghost. "If at first you don't succeed…"

This time, the ghost turned and raised an eyebrow. "You know what they say about doing something many times and expecting a different result."

Niles shrugged. "I thought the first one was a fluke. Apparently, you're just a freak."

"Like you aren't?" the ghost fired back.

"When an arrow goes into me, it _stays there_!"

"Well, that's your problem, not mine!"

"I can keep doing this all day," Kaze said, landing with his hands on the ground. He flipped upwards, slightly crouching his frame in case he needed to jump up again. The ghostly Corrin prepared to dive once more.

The ghost Corrin suddenly halted, straightening his form. Something wasn't right.

Kaze didn't say a thing, opting to wait for his opponent to make a move.

"I feel…weaker," the ghost said. Widening his spectral eyes, he looked down at his hands. Translucent as they were, they were rapidly fading away with every passing second.

He was dying _again_ , and he was doing so very, very rapidly.

"That's why you don't mess with me," Niles growled.

"This isn't your doing!" the ghost fired back. "Get over yourself!"

* * *

 _In the treehouse…_

"What do you want?" the possessed Azura asked, her eyes darting between Niles and his captor.

The real Azura silently pleaded to him, willing him to do something, _a_ _nything_.

"Progress," Leo said. "I'm done playing around, brother. You're obviously not going to win this war if left to your own devices, so I'm taking things into my own hands - blood-stained or not. You _will_ either give me command of your army, or I'll take it by force…along with her life."

"Leo… You wouldn't."

Leo nodded and gestured to Niles. "Show him we mean business. Cut just enough for a drop of blood to drip, but not enough to kill her." He threw a cloth to Niles, which Niles promptly caught. "Press this against the wound when you're done. We're not trying to do anything too bad yet."

Niles nodded, his arm twitching.

"Bathroom!" Corrin cried as he ran into the room, utterly drenched in sweat. "Body… …not…used…to…running…long…distances…" He keeled over. "I think…I think I'm fine…now…"

"Felicia?" Azura asked. "No! Get out of here! Flee while you still can!"

"Felicia? What are you doing here?" Leo shook his head and turned to Niles, his features disapproving. "Niles? Explain."

"She must have slipped past my replica." Niles frowned. "There's some sort of ghost thing happening outside. It seems to like Kaze, though, so we should be fine for now…as long as no one else slips past my watchful eye."

"You can't be all that watchful if Felicia managed to slip through," Odin muttered.

"Shut up," Niles said.

"'Ghost thing?'" Leo asked.

Niles shrugged. "I don't know what the hell's going on either. There's a ghost and it's trying to possess Kaze. It was in Felicia's body or…something. I don't know, I'm confused, too."

"I…really have to use the bathroom," said Corrin weakly, hands by his crotch. His head snapped up, and he looked at his surroundings. "Wait, what's going on here? Leo, Niles? Why are you…" He gasped, his gaze settling on his wife. "Azura!"

"Odin," Leo said curtly. He pointed at Corrin. "Grab Felicia."

* * *

 _Outside the treehouse…_

"No, no," the Corrin ghost said. "Niles, you're not responsible for this. I think it's because I'm out of the Ghostrealm and not in a body. I need to find a host, and I need to do it fast." His gaze turned to the ninja. "Kaze, if you would not mind standing still for a moment…"

"Never," Kaze said. "I pledged my loyalty to Lord Corrin, not…" He looked the ghost up and down. "…whatever _you_ are. You are not my Lord, despite your appearance."

"Ah, but Kaze," Corrin's ghost said, "are I not an undead version of your liege? That means your loyalty should be to me."

"I don't care what you are," Kaze spat. "I'm not giving you my body, and that's final. Possessing Felicia was disgusting enough, vile fiend!"

The ghost shrugged. "Well, I tried to do it the nice way." He floated down, his legs and lower body submerging until he' had completely disappeared below the grass and soil.

Not one to idly stand by in the face of imminent danger, Kaze slowly backed away, his eyes never leaving the floor in front of him. He was aware that the ghost could rise any moment, apparently using its lack of presence to float underneath the ground. Kaze scanned the area in front of him and behind, constantly alert for when the fiend decided to reveal himself.

"Boo."

Kaze immediately turned around. Finding himself face-to-face with a smiling, transparent, and deathly pale imitation of Corrin's visage, his eyes widened. He desperately tried to back away, but it was too late; the ghost dived forwards, straight _into_ Kaze. Kaze tried to tilt to the side in a last ditch effort, but it was too late - Corrin's ghost had penetrated him.

"Nngh… Lord Corrin, forgive me… I am so sorry…" Kaze he slumped forward, about to plummet straight onto the grass below. Right before his face could hit the ground, however, he suddenly flopped up. It was as if he were a puppet and someone had just yanked all his strings upwards. His grimace was gone, now replaced with a menacing smile.

"…so sorry that I didn't switch my body out sooner," Kaze finished jovially. He tentatively rolled his shoulders and flexed an arm across his chest. His smile tilting downwards, he inquisitively fondled his arm, nodding appreciatively when he felt the bulging muscle. "It may not be my old body, but it should be much better until I can get my old one. Much better than being a woman, at least. That was bizarre." He paused. "Is that sexist?"

* * *

 _Inside the treehouse…_

Leo gestured to Azura. "Neither of you move, else she gets hurt."

"Shall I proceed with the warning cut, milord?" Niles asked.

"I'm not sure." He looked to the possessed Azura. "Shall I? Or do you wish to save your wife? All I ask is that you relinquish command of your army. I have both of our best interests in mind, you should know. I don't make decisions rashly, especially one like this."

"Leo! You'd dare lay a hand on Azura?" Corrin asked. Odin had taken hold of his arms and pinned him against a wall. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"And you _dare_ address me without my title?" Leo said, brow furrowing. "You are _not_ my equal. I have half a mind to cut you down where you stand, Felicia. I suggest you hold your tongue."

"Leo… Please, don't do this," Azura said softly. "I can get Corrin to advance our position, I promise. Just give me a chance!"

"A chance?" He turned to face her. "I have given him _two months_ of 'chance'. If he didn't do it then, he won't do it now, no matter how much you think withholding your pathetic sex life will incentivize him."

She balked. "How did you-?"

Leo stared at her deadpan. "He talks about nothing else. It doesn't take a genius."

Azura cast her eyes downward.

"Leo," Corrin said softly, wiggling in Odin's grip. "Please, don't do this. I… Corrin will never forgive you if you hurt her." His body may have normally been able to break Odin's hold, but Felicia's arms were not strong enough to do the same. Nonetheless, he attempted to break free again and again - his girlish arms held fast in place.

Leo glared at the possessed Azura. "Well? Which shall it be? The life of your wife, or the control of your army?"

"I…" She looked back and forth, between Azura and Leo. "My army," she whispered softly. "The life of one is not as important as the lives of many. As much as I love Azura… With an army in my hand, I can save this world."

"Very well." Leo nodded. "Niles?"

"I'm so, so sorry, Azura," Niles whispered. "But I am beholden to Lord Leo first and foremost. "Please, don't take this personally."

"No!" Corrin screamed. He started struggling furiously within Odin's hold, desperate to escape, to find a way to save her. "Gods, no! I'll kill you if you lay a finger on her! Take the army, dammit! Take my clothes, if you want! Fuck, take _me!_ Just don't touch my wife, you bastard!"

Niles hesitated, raising his arm. "Milord?"

Leo sighed. "What's the matter now, Niles?"

"It's just…" Niles sighed. "Do you truly believe you're doing the right thing, Lord Leo? I'm not trying to question your orders, but I do want to confirm that you won't regret this decision later. She is your sister, after all. Not by blood, but…"

Leo put his hands on his face. "Niles, if there was any other way…" He exhaled, running them through his hair. "But I won't put a knife to my brother. He has good intentions, even if foolish. He's…simply not fit to lead an army. And besides, if I'd threatened Corrin with a knife, he'd simply transform into a dragon. This…is the only way. He wouldn't have enough time if he transformed."

"Lord Leo, please…" Odin said quietly. "Please don't do this."

"Argh…!" Leo pounded a fist on the wall. "Damn you both…! This isn't easy for me, either! Of course I'd prefer not to hurt her! But sometimes, a leader has to make sacrifices." His eyes flamed. "And she must be one of them."

"Leo," Azura whispered. "Please…"

"I…" He turned to face her a split second, a flash of tears visible. He looked away, her pained face to unbearable to look at. "Just do it already!"

Niles nodded. "If that is what you wish, Lord Leo…then so be it."

"I'll kill you, scoop your entrails out, and feed them to my fish!" Corrin wailed, his voice shrill and ear-piercing. He thrashed around in Odin's hold. "Don't do it! Gods, Leo! No!"

"Don't…" He closed his eyes, trying, in vain, to flush some of the tears out. "Leo, please… I…I love her. Please, Leo. Don't…" He looked up at Leo, his face pleading and damp. "She's all I have. Please don't hurt her."

And suddenly, Azura understood.

"Corrin," she breathed out. As her lips formed a muted smile, her gaze traveled from the possessed Corrin to her husband. Even in the form of another, she still recognized his compassion.

It was why she fell in love with him in the first place, after all.

"I knew you wouldn't hurt me," she whispered. Though death was fast approaching, she smiled.

"Of course not," Corrin replied quietly, staring at her soft features. His lips curled upwards into a smile. "I love you, forever and always."

"And I you," she said breathily. "No matter what form you may take…"

Corrin swallowed the lump in his throat. "…our love shall live on forever."

For what seemed like forever, they stared into one another's eyes, their tears speaking louder than any words could.

"What in the world…?" Leo's brows furrowed.

"Apparently Felicia is into women," Niles said, his lone eye wandering between the two of them, "and a homewrecker."

"I don't think so," Odin said, his gaze slowly wandering to the Azura that had taken up residence in Corrin's body. "I think there's something else at play here. Something…malicious. Very evil."

"Odin, this isn't the time for your stupid games," snapped Leo.

"I'm not kidding around," Odin said quietly. "There's something very, very wrong here, Lord Leo. Have you noticed Lord Corrin's demeanor?"

"He seems fine to me," Niles said, shifting his position. "Unless…" He smiled slyly. "My, my, Odin. Interested in his pants, are we? Didn't know you had it in you."

" _What?_ " Odin cried. " _No, no, no! Not at all!_ "

Niles smirked. "Something smells, and it isn't me."

The possessed Azura reddened, turning her face away. "I-It's Azura!"

"Azura smells?" Odin asked.

"Beautiful," Corrin said, sighing. "She smells beautiful."

"As do you," Azura said.

"Seeing her like this, Niles's knife at her throat…" The possessed Azura grinned, somehow managing to make Corrin's eyes look predatory. "Well, I did always have had a bit of a masochistic streak."

"Disgusting," Leo managed quietly. "Absolutely disgusting."

"That's not what I would say!" the real Corrin wailed. "And I still _really_ have to use the bathroom!"

"Felicia!" Leo snapped, enraged. " _Will you shut up?_ You've never been this chatty, nor stupid before! What in the world has gotten _into_ you?"

"I'm Corrin, asshole!" Corrin cried, trying to shake himself free.

" _What?_ " Leo asked, now more confused than anything. "What in the world are you talking about?" He stormed up to Corrin.

"I said I'm Corrin, you twit!" Corrin tried to bite Leo's fingers, but Odin pulled Corrin back in time, saving Leo's fingers from an untimely – yet delectable – demise. "Don't lay a hand on her!"

"You're…" Leo sighed, massaging his temples. "You think you're Corrin."

"I _am_ Corrin!"

"Whatever." Leo turned around. "We'll deal with her later. Niles, the cut?"

"NOOOOO!" Corrin screeched. "DON'T DO IT!"

Odin shifted his feet and swallowed. Lord Leo was not going to be happy with him, but if it meant saving a life… "I gave Lord Corrin a body switching tome earlier," he said quietly.

"You did _what_?" asked Leo.

"Body switching tome," Odin muttered quietly. "He said he was going to use it to investigate Felicia. I gave Lord Corrin one. She's quite possibly telling the truth, milord."

Leo rubbed two fingers against his temples. "Why would you give _Corrin_ , out of all people, a body switching…" He exhaled. "Well, I suppose if that's the case, then that means…" Leo looked to Corrin, who was staring at the floor. Leo walked up to Corrin, taking each step carefully. "Corrin?" Leo asked, lifting his chin with one finger.

Corrin stared into Leo's eyes, his own teary. "Y-yes," he whimpered. "Please don't hurt my wife. I'll do whatever you want."

* * *

 _Outside the treehouse…_

"I don't know what the hell just happened," Niles said, "but I'll be damned if I let anyone or any _thing_ into that treehouse. Back away, Kaze."

"Oh, I'm not Kaze _anymore_ ," Kaze's possessed body said. "Would Kaze do _this_?"

Niles blinked. Surely, Kaze had been here a moment ago! Where the hell was-

"Gods," Niles suddenly moaned, his bow clattering to the ground.

Two simply scrumptious hands were rubbing his shoulders, taking the kinks right out. Niles's eye fluttered, Kaze's muscular hands weaving in and out of his aching muscles, all the tension and kinks in them melting away.

He was putty in Niles's hands.

"Excellent," the possessed Kaze soothingly said. "Just relax…"

"I…have to stop you," Niles muttered, weakly looking down. The bow was so _far_ , and he'd have to bend all the way down to get it, and Kaze's arms felt so…relaxing.

Kaze was like an angel sent from the heavens, working out years of tenseness from his shoulders. It felt as if it had been _decades_ since anyone had given him a massage. The muscular, toned ninja was doing a stupendous job, and Niles was enjoying every single second of it. Even if he was supposed to be doing something else.

What…was it that Niles was supposed to be doing, again?

Niles had to…stop people from doing something with the treehouse, he thought. He couldn't quite recall. All he remembered was that it was for Lord Leo…

"Lord Leo," Niles muttered. He frowned. "Lord Leo…."

"Relax," said Kaze, massaging his tender shoulders. "Stay with me. Doesn't this feel nice?" He began to squeeze harder, attempting to deepen the massage. There were years of unresolved tension layered within Niles's shoulder and back muscles, and the possessed Kaze was determined to use that to his advantage. If he could simply distract Niles for long enough….

"No…Lord Leo…"" Niles squeezed his eyelids shut. "I'm going to regret this immediately," he muttered under his breath, "but it's worth it for Lord Leo." Inhaling, he held his breath and kicked backwards, the sole of his foot driving straight into Kaze's crotch.

Kaze's eyes widened, and he grabbed himself, howling in pain.

Niles hurriedly scuttled forward and grabbed his bow off the ground. He aimed it at Kaze, pulling the bowstring back. "You won't trick me," he snarled.

"Tch," Kaze said, rubbing his hands together. "I suppose you're too smart for that. Good thing I can just take control of you instead!" He collapsed on the ground like a ragdoll, his legs going first. Kaze's head slammed on the grass, and Corrin's ghost rose from the ninja's body, enraged, his eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils wide.

He was _pissed_.

"What the hell?" Niles asked. He pressed his heals into the grass, pulling the bowstring back. "You again? I thought I killed you!"

"I'm a ghost, so… whatever you want to think," the ghost said. Before Niles could react, the ghost flew straight into him, heading directly into Niles's midsection.

Niles instantly lurched over and began to shake violently, ricocheting back and forth, back and forth. His pupils were dilated, his face green. He clutched his stomach and vomited on the ground, clearly not in any condition to be possessed.

Corrin's ghost flew back out at a breakneck speed, stopping his own movement in midair. He frowned. "That's…impossible," he said slowly. "I should have possessed you!"

"What…the hell…just happened…?" Niles moaned, thankfully falling backwards and _away_ from the pile of puke. "I feel like I just ate a poisoned rat…"

"Why…" the ghost said quietly. "Why wasn't I able to possess you?"

"Stop…talking," Niles said slowly, spitting the words out like venom. He clutched his stomach, throwing up some more.

The ghost stared at Niles for what seemed like eternity. Eventually, he spoke. "I'm not going back in you," he muttered. "Not in a million years." He turned, looking to Kaze.

"You…" Kaze raised his head, staring into Corrin's cold, dead eyes. "I know you…"

"Indeed," Corrin's ghost muttered, his form slipping into Kaze. The possession was smoother this time; the ninja didn't resist nearly as much. There was lurching and shaking, sure, but there was much less of it.

"Now," the possessed Kaze said, standing up on his feet shakily. "it's finally time to make my exit. Goodbye, Niles." He calmly walked away, each step calculated and deliberate.

"What…" Niles lurched forward, shaking. He panted in and out and clutched the ground, his eyes still wide. "What the hell…"

* * *

 _Back in the treehouse…_

Leo turned quickly around, cornering the current inhabitant of Corrin's body. He raised Brynhildr, charging it. "Who are you, really? You're not my brother. Answer wrong, and your life is forfeit."

The Azura-possessed Corrin giggled. He snorted. He – no, _it_ \- cackled. It broke out into full-out maniacal laughter. "Go ahead, _brother_. Kill me. See what good it does for you."

"Don't do it!" Corrin cried. "She'll possess one of you instead!"

It giggled. "And here I was, thinking this iteration of Corrin was exceptionally dull. Would you look at that!" It put its finger on its chin, tapping the spot slowly, its grin wide and predatory. "Hmm… You know what? I think I'll take that one." It pointed to the restrained Azura. "Goodness, it _would_ be nice to be myself again. It may be a bit cramped with that silly imposter's soul in there, but I'll take what I can get."

"You…" Leo paused. "Yourself?"

"Yes," it said, pacing around the room. It stopped, taking its time to run a finger down Azura's chin. "I do miss my old body, after all. And my old body is in such close proximity to me, so there's no risk of me fading away. In fact…"

A girlish giggle escaped her lips, and Corrin's body collapsed to the ground, the life suddenly drained from it.

A ghoulish, transparent facsimile of Azura rose out of it, a visceral grin on her face. She floated to her earthly counterpart, silently gliding over the ground unnaturally, her dress staying eerily still as she moved. She giggled, the sound like shattering glass.

Suddenly, Niles's eyes widened. He hunched over, bliss etched on his face. "Mmmm…" Niles moaned, releasing his hold on Azura and hunching over. "That…feels so nice…"

"What in the world?" the ghostly Azura said. She pointed a finger at Niles. "What's going on with him?"

Leo's jaw moved up and down. "I don't…"

"I have no idea," Odin managed to spit out, his own mouth struggling to remain closed.

"Please," Corrin whimpered, twisting his head. He jerked against Odin's arms, but the mage held tight. "Don't hurt Azura…"

"I won't hurt her, 'dear,'" the ghostly Azura said, hovering over her old body. She traced a transparent, delicate finger along the trim of Azura's hair. "Why would I hurt myself?"

"No!" Corrin cried. "Azura, run! Run far away!"

Eyes wide, the earthly Azura began to back up, taking hesitant but quick steps. "It's my life to live, not yours…"

"No," the ghost said, "I never got to live mine, but through you, I still can." She smiled gently. "Thank you."

Azura's arms hit the wall of the treehouse - she was cornered. "That doesn't make it right! You can't just take people's bodies and use them for whatever you want!"

"Or what?" the ghost asked. She laughed bitterly. "Will I burn in Hell?"

Niles doubled over, falling to the floor and moaning. No one gave him a second glance.

"It's not right!" Azura said.

"You know what else isn't right?" the ghost asked. "Being trapped in a 'ghostrealm' for decades!"

"What?" asked Azura. "I don't know what that means."

The ghost sighed. "Enough talk. I don't want to explain the whole Ghostrealm thing again." She floated forward, directly _inside_ her earthly counterpart.

Azura lurched backwards, her head slamming against the wooden wall.

Leo recoiled. "What the hell just happened?"

"Azura," Corrin said quietly. "Please, tell me that you're in there. Don't let her take control. I…I need you."

Without warning, Azura's head snapped up. She grabbed the knife Niles had been using off the floor and held it to her own throat. She slowly walked to the center of the room. "Nobody move."

Corrin's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare."

Azura giggled cutely. "Why, me? As of now, I'm Azura." She grinned, the knife still pinned to her throat. "And I'd like me to stay that way. So here's how it's going to work: If any of you tell a soul what I've done, or who I really am…" She wiggled the knife and a drop of crimson blood dripped down her neck. "I have no qualms about killing this body or anyone else to keep this information secret. I'd certainly miss it, but I can always find another Azura to possess. The Outrealms are near infinite, you know."

"You're a monster," Leo whispered.

Azura sighed. "Opinions, opinions. Personally, I love the freedom that being dead grants me. If you try anything sneaky and kill this body, I'll just possess yours instead! It's really not that difficult. You should try it." She paused and pressed a finger to her lips. "Oh, _right_. You can't - you're not dead." She grinned, Azura's serene face looking more horrific than ever. "But if you tell a soul, you will be. So don't try anything!"

"And why not?" Leo asked. "I was about to threaten Azura's life myself. Why in the world do you think I would be intimidated by what you could do to _her_? You may have her body, but that's your only advantage. She's weak - you're weak. You may have power over my foolish brother, but-"

 _Crack_.

Leo slammed backwards into the wall, his back making a sickening _crack_ . He cried out in pain, his bones shattered and his muscles torn.

A see-through hand pulled back, hovering in the air. It connected to a watery, flowing appendage of sorts – a thick, pulsing tentacle made of water. Grinning viscerally, Azura twisted her hand, the water hand mirroring her own, and it grabbed Leo at the throat. He writhed within its hold, trying to pry it off as he slammed his heels against the wooden wall. His face reddened, and his struggle became less intense.

And then, just as suddenly as it began, it was over, and the tentacle released its grip on Leo, Azura releasing her right palm. She thrust her elbow backward, the watery appendage flowed to the dead center of her chest - her pendant.

Slowly, Azura walked to Leo, each step one tick closer to his demise. She stopped, inches from his strained face. "Do not ever again," she said, her eyes bloodshot, "claim your power is greater than mine."

Leo swallowed the lump in his throat.

Satisfied, Azura turned around, her hair slithering on the floor. She giggled, her face awfully serene for a masochist. "Goodness, I haven't done anything like that in decades! It feels so…exhilarating."

When Corrin heard that adorable laugh from _her_ , from her lips; he knew the real Azura was gone, completely gone….

He just _couldn't_.

He couldn't bear it. He couldn't deal with it. He couldn't live with it…or without her.

Corrin collapsed.

* * *

Author's Notes

Now listen closely!

Here's a little lesson in fic-ery. This is going down in history! If you want to write a fiction on this site, make sure there's only one instance of each character OR HOLY CRAP YOU WILL HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE TRYING TO WRITE SCENES WITH MORE THAN ONE OF THE SAME CHARACTER IT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS AND I REGRET DOING IT KILL ME NOW

 ***ahem***

Anyways, I was stuck on this chapter for a good while because I couldn't figure out what the hell to call Felicia-in-Corrin, The possessed Azura, the regular Azura, ghost Azura, ghost Corrin…you get my point. There was a lot of confusion this chapter. Eventually, I had a brain spark and used the _Spirit-in-Body_ naming scheme, which seems to work out well. But before that, this was basically impossible to write. (And read!)

Anyways, TMSP should update at a more consistent rate after this. Or, at the very least, not take two months between chapters. I got most of the emotions out of the way, at the least. I hate emotions now. Remind me to be a soulless husk like Garon after this, please. I'd appreciate it.

Oh, and a big thanks to SIGF for medical help on this chapter!

Please leave reviews, comments, and criticism! Thanks!

Edit as of 12/23/2017: Did I truly put a "We are number One" meme in this chapter notes? Eep. Anyway, edited to be up to my modern standards. (AKA I made the chapter less confusing.)


	21. Author's Note (Not a story update)

Author's Note:

* * *

I've always hated these. These self-important author's notes. You think you're getting a new story update, but...you're not. Just an author's note. Hell, they're technically against the rules...but how else will an author update the reader, really?

Anyway, I feel like you readers deserve the truth: I've been lacking motivation for this story. It's been dwindling...along with my motivation for EVERYTHING.

Basically, I have some mental issues I need to work out. I lie in bed all day, on my phones... I'm very, very depressed. I dropped out of school because my grades were awful, work sucks, I hate myself, yada yada yada. You get the gist. I'm edgy; whatever.

The important part is **the story isn't dead.** I know that's why you're still reading this, and it's not. It's just on...hiatus, until I can figure out how to not feel like this is story a piece of shit.

See, that's another thing: I think this story is cringy. I think it's fetish fuel. I think that body swapping shit is something a 12-year-old on DeviantArt would find funny or sexy, and I wish I hadn't done it. The whole reason I had an obsession with it in the first place is because I'd always kill to be someone else. I hate myself, my life... You get the memo.

The whole reason I'm writing this author's note is because some incredibly sweet soul left the nicest review I've ever read. I...can't even read it. It hurts, honestly. To read that much praise, and how it contrasts with how I feel about it...it hurts.

Anyway, until I can work myself out, this story is on hiatus. But I promise I'll continue it someday. Just...someday, when I can learn to not hate my work and myself.

I do apologize.

-Jordan


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